HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, September 07, 2008

My Clean Dream: A Pipe Dream?

This quotation from opioids.com that "long term opium use can cause physical and psychological dependence, creating in the user a craving for the drug and a feeling that life is not worth living without it." (You can say that again.)

"A writer named H.H. Kane (quoted by Jill Jones) reported that smoking opium would evoke 'a condition of dreamy wakefulness... a state in which the devotee feels himself on a stratum above his fellow men and their pursuits--at peace with himself and all mankind -- a pleasant listless calm and contentment steals over him... This waking dream, this silken garment of the imagination, will take its shape and coloring from the most cherished and brilliant strands... and puts out of sight the real and unpleasant crudities of life.' The mood, however, did not last long. 'Then the good spirit of the pipe disappears, giving place to a demon who binds his victim hand and foot.' (Hepcats, Narcs and Pipe Dreams by Jill Jones (Scribner, 1996)."

And I suppose that is my situation in a nutshell. The picture on the top right shows abscess blotches like mine, though I only have two ripe ones plus another three or four dead or dying or shrivelling out.

I have noticed a few times that opiate addiction seems to be more difficult to kick than addiction to anything else I've seen. Crack and stimulants might be far more intense, but I suspect that, like me, most people can rationalize how staying that "high" all the time just isn't possible. Opiate addiction is more profound, in that, like a Persian rug, it unlerlies all you are and do in life. It's only when you try to detox and stop that you realize the rug has been pulled from under you and you're freefalling like a raindrop in a universe of terror.

What on earth I was on about yesterday I have no idea. All those links to drug porn. Why? I certainly was not "high". Yes I had been trying to be clean and had fallen (yet again); that's all I seem to be good at, falling. (Boo-hoo!)

Last week, I had attempted some renunciation of my former ways, but was not successful, as per usual. I just found myself maudlin, miserable and so bleak that, as I said, I could barely be bothered with getting out of bed, so I did not bother.... blah blah... time has passed and now it's today...

My mind is focused on my book, a complicated, fictional, tale of human nature. My attempted "memoir" writing fell flat as no creativity is involved and I found writing page after page after page about nothing but me me me me me excruciatingly dull. Also I was forced to delve into possible reasons behind my old behaviour, plus certain alternative pathways for my old life showed up. I was none to happy to see these roadways spotlighted so long after I had inexorably passed them by.

Last night I got bored and played hamsters. They have a posh new plastic tube (very nibbleworthy) plus an up-ended miniature cheesecake container that has provided endless fascination for Itchy et al: poking her head into it, peering about in astonishment. They also now have a luxury piece of chalk taped to the side (well they seem to particularly love the taste and this stick is blue). Spherical now answers to the name "Mrs Tubbymouse". She doesn't glare at me when I use it.

I am listening (online) to the BBC Saturday Play: One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich ~ Alexander Solzhenitsin's sketch of life in a Siberian labour camp during Soviet times. For some reason my teenage reading of the book stalled (I used to love things like that. Orwell's 1984 was a particular favourite...) what I do recall is that temperatures of less than 40 below allowed the population to stay indoors and not work. How they must have hated those days that were not quite so cold!

13 comments:

Akelamalu said...

I'm pleased to hear that you are still 'trying' to get clean Gleds, you haven't given up altogether.

tsduff said...

I knew there was a reason I liked you. My late husband was a heroin addict - he kicked it many times throughout his life time (some because he went to prison, some out of sheer determination as well as reliance on the methadone), and he introduced me to the drug. I should say "educated me about the drug", because I knew very little before him. I never used it myself - not even once, but watched him battle it for 13 years. He died of liver failure (brought on by alcoholism) four years ago which also stemmed from his life-long addiction to heroin, and the Hep C brought on by sharing needles. He once told me that quitting smoking was harder than giving up the heroin - so I know you can do it. He kicked both - and died April 15, 2004 clean and sober. Oops - let me add the post mortem: he died of an overdose of vicodin, and complications thereof. I didn't find that out for 3 years after his death, thinking instead that he had died clean and sober after all. Surprise. Since I'm expounding on things this evening, let me also say that I have a theory which is this: Many addicts/alcoholics shine more brightly than "normies" - being more funny, more passionate, more charismatic... I was in alcoholics anonymous for 16 years clean and sober- and after my husband passed I reunited with my FIRST love (since age 14) and we have been inseperable since. We like to drink, and I know I might be slowly headed back on the alcohol downward spiral that I escaped for all those years. *sigh* Why are all the good things not without a dear cost? Best of luck to you Gledwood.

Nicole said...

I totally understand the opiate thing. When I was in the hospital one summer, half dying from necro pancreatitis and liver and lung complications all due to gall bladder blockages, which went undiagnosed until I collapsed from excruciating pain (after suffering most of five years), they injected me with morphine every four hours for days on end and I loved the feeling of pain lessening and me slowly melting through a wonderful cloud of soft, fluffy butter. If it weren't so harmful and addictive I'd be walking around with a Morphine drip quite frankly.

Eileen said...

Keep trying Gledwood.

Gledwood said...

Akelamalu: o no I'm not going to give up on giving up. Never ever! My only future is a clean one...

TSDuff: thank you very much for that...

Nicole: really? Wow! See!

This policeman wrote on the very 1st "blog" I came across on googling heroin addiction years back and he was ranting how perverted heroin addict type people love the warm glowy rush of opiate injection. Frankly it's a universal thing: ALL people love the feeling opiates give, it's just most are too sensible to try them in an illicit setting. It's far more psychologically addictive when you're self administering, specially if you're also going out and scoring. RIGHT from the beginning, after regular scoring (bc I was in a relationship with Libra who had a 10-year habit) I found it EXTREMELY hard to stop...

Eileen: ta!

Walker said...

I spent the beetr part of my life working to deal with a $1000 a day habit.
It's been 20 years since I quit, it's not easy and never will be because its a cnstant battle to not do it but i know you can and you will win in the end.
Mind and body over what doesn't matter any more.

Walker said...

I believe opium is a physical addiction where as crack and cocain is a mental addiction.
Both have withdrawls but not as bad as heroin.
You can stop using heroin but the monkey will away try and jump on your back all the time.

Gledwood said...

And don't I know it.

$1000 a day? On what? Coke?? Didn't your nose just explode..??!?!~??~!

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ I am so glad you are still trying to get clean. Your future would be
so much better if you can do it.
Thanks for your comments and I am glad you liked my garden photos, and it does look good mostly. You take great care, my friend, Love, Merle.

Gledwood said...

Thanks Merle. Your garden is beautiful. Keep spraying them nasty toilet-hopping arse-biting redbacks!

Lucinda said...

I should post a picture of my arm, though, the abscess was removed so it's just a weird looking scar on my inner left arm (it reminds me of a caterpillar). I'm glad that I didn't see the H porn, I probably would have puked. There is something weird about this time of year that makes me overuse, I just want it every day. It was this time of year when I first got addicted. Here are two good books that you should definitely read, if you haven't already: "Tales from the Geronimo" by Scott Frank (if you're trying to kick, then definitely not, but it's my favorite heroin book, not many people have heard of it), also "The Plague" by Albert Camus (it's amazing, I'm reading it right now in English class). = )

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood