HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, September 05, 2008

In the Crackhouse

I HAD JUST SCORED HEROIN off the B-man the other day and was buying cyder from the corner shop when I ran into Crackhead of the Century, who took up haranguing me for £1 for cigarettes. I said I couldn't afford it; then he said he'd give me a bit of rock for £1, so I caved in.

He introduced me to his latest fast friend, some Polish guy who thinks that because he's been piping "white" for a week, a simple "hello" is beyond him then I said "where are we going to smoke this?" and he lead us to an address I'd already clocked as a crackhouse very near to my own. He also asked where I lived now, I gave totally false directions!

So we approach this house, rather than knocking, crackhead just slams at the front door and it pops open directly (almost like my old house, though at least this had some semblance of a "lock"). People from downstairs start slagging him off over some previous encounter but one joins our fray, so there's now Crackhead, Pole a deranged black woman and me.

He charges upstairs and, breaking another dooor open takes us into a back upstairs flat. Everyone sits down. I really needed the loo as I'd been imbibing cyder all afternoon. The bathroom appeared locked and I pointed out someone might have been in there but no-one could be bothered.

Crackhead took a huge draw on a pipe. Dished out a bit for me. Everyone else was smoking by the time I realized that not only could I not use the loo but the door was barricaded by a chair and Crackhead was talking paranoid nonsense about someone "standing behind" me (no-one was there). This was too much like a scene from a seedy movie throwing the chair out of the way I left, crack in hand. Crackhead went all aggressive on me for daring to do what I wanted: most people seem to be pretty pliant around him, I've no idea why as he's just scum.

Got home and the food I'd put on was overboiling, smoking etc. Knew I should've been out of there! Had a sweet sweet hit of heroin-crack on HIM (not as if he didn't owe me from times past past past...)

... and so on.

Then I decided to be all frugal and sanctimoniously not using anything at all and had such miserable time I could barely get out of bed. As a result my book has gone no further than it was as of that last post... It's well past sundown, Friday night. Have a cheery weekend y'all!

Cuckoos in the Crackhouse: click here
to see how evil dealers take advantage of the vulnerable to turn their flats into crackhouses and see innocents turfed out on the streets (I've seen this happen twice 1st hand!)


Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

That sounds like an bad day to me and dangerous too :( I really wish there was just some sort of magic wand to wave at you that would take this addiction of yours away. Life is too short man.

Akelamalu said...

Oh Gleds I hate reading this. I just wish like the previous commenter that I had a magic wand to make you better. :(

molson said...

Holy cow Gledwood. That's a scene well beyond my experience. So much negativity surrounds that Crackhead character. Bad for the body and soul. Now that you've got that out of your system... back to the book. Motivation willing that is.

Lucinda said...

That sounds like a story from an Irvine Welsh book, which is never a good sign. I'm really glad that nothing bad happened to you.

Baino said...

Gawd Gleds, half your problem is the people you hang around! One drug at a time mate! So I take it the methadone program is just not working? I thought it was meant to replace drugs, not complement them? You be careful now that you don't become one of these vulnerables so abused by crack dealing cuckoos! (Thanks for sharing, it's terrifying what you get up to.)

Nicole said...

These types of situations are exactly why I am in favour of city council and the government arranging plans for heavy drug users as they do in Frankfurt. I've told you before about one of my best friends who has been a heroin user since we were 15. He's been through a lot over the years, but the city of Frankfurt has a program and he can live like a human being again because they provide him with clean heroin daily at a safe place where he also has access to medical care and counseling. He has a lovely apartment and has worked for many years now. At the moment he is finishing studies to become a "Bank-Kaufmann". If only London would get their shit together and realise how beneficial such a thing would be. It only discourages drug dealers, it discourages theft and every other nastiness involved and quite frankly, everyone deserves to live like a decent human being and be helped.

Walker said...

I had a friend who would put away all the dishes from the table and counter after a couple of rocks so no one could hide under them to spy on him.

Gattina said...

Please don't play with the fire ! Drink your cider in another area and try to avoid such people. It's not good for you, and you know it ! Think of your book !

Gledwood said...

Reeny: I know

Akelamalu: ditto

Molson: cheers. Crackhead is someone I avoid like the plague but despite having moved over 2 miles from my old house I STILL bump into him. he ranges from our borough to the west end you cannot avoid the scumball

Lucinda: o no! it was just round the corner from my house (as if THAT was gonna keep me safe:...!)

Gledwood said...

Baino: I'm not going to be a cuckoo: I NEVER let ANYONE in my new place save 1 selected person who has only been ONCE

methadone is meant to be a heroin "replacement" only it does NOT replace it

hence it doesn't work as it supposedly should

there are zillions of other possible treatments just not put in use

governments are CRAP for not using solutions that WORK

Nicole: I'm all with you. Our borough DOES give diamorphine to ONE client. They won't do it for me (I've asked). I think they're crap.

You know heroin is prescribed FREQUENTLY to those in severe pain over here, so it's no big jump to give it to addicts. The govt is just CRAP

Walker: ooo dear. having been on a 2month binge on it i know how where he's coming from

Gattina: i'm trying, i promise


sally in norfolk said...

I agree with what all the others say.. you deserve a much better life :-(

Vincent said...

Gled, I really think you have brains enough to prevent situations like these mate. You really need to take more care of yourself and that cooker of yours...

Gledwood said...

Sally ~ hmmm. I know. He says quietly.

Vincent ~ Yeah I know but I didn't expect to be bumping into Crackhead of the Century in the corner shop, did I?... and 1ce he offered me a pipe...

Fannybatter said...

Hi Gledwood,been following your blog the last few weeks so thought I'd say a quick hello *waves*
I'm also of the opinion that methadone isn't really a solution to the problem, where I live (Glasgow) methadone is increasingly being used as a solution in much the same way it has been in Edinburgh, indeed, addiction teams have done away with all attempts at a "cure" ( I use the term loosely and their ethos is now harm reduction. Out of interest, what do you think would be the best way of helping someone in your situation?
Take care

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood