HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, December 01, 2008

Sleep Wrapped In Rainbows

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. Mum and Brian came yesterday and not only moved everything (all I've to do is return tonight to pick up scraps of this and that and clean the old place up then ~ ta-daa! all done and gone!! I can't believe it!¬

~They took me to Ikea and bought me literally a cartload and more of housewares. Slate grey plates, mugs, bowls (the funky style: without brims)... an amazing clothes airer/dryer that can do at least three washloads at a time (see it here).

I'm not smoking in bed any more because they bought me a new double quilt with pillows and two sets of the most amazing covers... as I say, the most beautiful one is in blue, green, red orange and purple strips... it's like sleeping wrapped in rainbows.

And my own washing machine works. So well in fact that I've already put through five washloads. (Turning into a right little housewife. I'll declare myself lesbian next..(!)

And I'm tapping this at the old internet cafe. The same one I used to sit at for hours in the good old days when I actually had facilities to keep up internet friendships instead of getting constantly logged out just as I'm about to say something as seems to have happened ever since I went to the last place. And couldn't find anywhere with half decent broadband. Or a proper accounts system. Or fair charging.

I'm back! I'm back home. It's all good. Pray God all goes well and I get to stay at this new place as long as I please...

SEE WHETHER YOU agree with Mother Hubbard, who says I have terrible bad taste and have a look at the two styles of quilt covers I got.

This was my favourite (though my stripes went longways not sideways)
This one looks more "bedlike" and homely (in the Brit sense of cosy and nice) when it's on.

... You might need to "enlarge" in order to see the colours from the stripes...
... OK, OK it's more "multicolour" than "rainbow"... yeah...
... & I agree with Brian now, the main one is indeed even labelled "purple/multicolour". When he said it was purple earlier I affected not to know what he meant. The original purple one I went for yesterday was such an intense swathe of purpleness, Brian said it looked royal. I said it looked like Cadbury's chocolate wrappers. My Mum just tried not to laugh...


Because Mumzy bought me a new one, I now have two double quilts, my beddy-byes is currently sporting both designs... like an enormous rainbow-stripey nest...

...Baby Itchy has Christened it aready by doing droppings on my pillow...

Hey I've just realized I'm 36 years old and relying on my parents still to sort me out. Take heed kids! This is what heroin does to you!!

ANYWAY, BACK TO THE PUBLIC VOTE:

AS THE SAYING GOES, THERE'S NO ACCOUNTING FOR TASTE. BUT TELL ME: DO YOU LIKE MY "GOOD TASTE" OR NOT?

MUSIC:
ON A GREGORIAN CHANTS "TIP" here's one I really liked from 1991
ENIGMA ~ SADENESS


MY RAINBOW NEST IS THE TEMPLE OF MY DREAMS.
WHICH REMINDS ME OF THIS ONE...
MESSIAH ~ TEMPLE OF DREAMS...
... featuring footage of Arnold Schwarzennegger in the movie The Running Man...


MADONNA ~ VOGUE LIVE ~ RE-INVENTION TOUR 2004
I love the psychedelic interiors. Remind me of my new pad... (if only!)


CYGNUS X: ORANGE THEME, FERRY CORSTEN "MOONMAN" ORANGE JUICE REMIX

15 comments:

tut-tut said...

Good for you, gleds! I wish you could take a photo; I'd love to see it all!!

Gattina said...

I am so happy for you ! I am sure now everything will end good !

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Awesome! There is nothing like new sheets in a new home. Sounds like a great place. How crazy is Ikea?!?

sally in norfolk said...

sssooo pleased for you.... things are certainly on the up for you lets hope it stays that way X

Gledwood said...

TutTut: I wish I could take a photo, too. It looks amazing. (For me, especially.)

Gattina: I hope so, too

Reeny: I'd never been to Ikea. Somehow I'd assumed it was just perhaps a larger, more extensive Habitat. "More extensive?" this was like a new planet dropped down from outer space and wrapped in Cardboard...

Sally: STAYS THAT WAY FOR EVER. HOPEFULLY....

Akelamalu said...

How lucky are you?

I like both sets of bedcovers and I hope you can stay in your new place, I think you're going to be happy there. :)

Gledwood said...

I really hope so. Glad you like them both. But would you have CHOSEN them? a-ha. mehears diplomatic silence/!!!!!!

Lucinda said...

I'm happy for you Gledwood! = )
Sounds like it's going to be cozy place.

It was nice to hear from you... it seems like forever, which is probably like 3 weeks, haha. I responded if you want to read it. ; )

Vincent said...

Congrats, Gled! Good to hear you got there safe and sound. I hope you can stay there for a while now. Also I hope it will give you a somewhat more positive look on life. It all sounds so good that it bloody well should I think :-)

Baino said...

I love beautiful bed linen. Don't ask me why but there's nothing nicer than sinking into a bed with beautiful covers. You're a big girl's blowse rainbow boy but they're both pretty. For God's sake don't smoke in bed you putz. Beds are for sex and sleeping! You sound so bright, it's good to read!

Kahshe Cottager said...

Oh Gleds, it sounds as if the ending of 2008 is bringing a new beginning to your life! Your new home sounds wonderful and how lovely that your family helped out so well with your move. They must be so proud of the way you are working to get your life back in your own hands. Sweet dreams in your rainbow bed!

Gledwood said...

LUCINDA: where have you been..??!??

VINCENT: it's far easier to be "normal" in normal surroundings...

KAHSHE: the rainbow bed conjures up memories of a certain dream I meant to post about... yes! let's hope 2009 continues this vein. And if I have to move again let it be somewhere even better!!

BAINO: it was difficult not smoking in bed in the last places because they were so crowded it was the only real piece of furniture I had....

Deadbeaten said...

So, are you still using heroin? How does that fit into this whole move?

Gledwood said...

some things never change

fgeegf said...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood