Yesterday

I WAS HYPOMANIC YESTERDAY. Slept not a bit on Wednesday night and went to see my friend Paddadadster on Thursday morning. I was as excited as a 5-year old who believed Father Xmas had just scarpered back up the chimney leaving a sackload of presents.

I met a friend of mine called Tommo who went to school near me. Every time I meet him he has busted knuckles. Today he had a broken arm. He was drinking and talking about being caned. Getting caned means getting off your head but his school was like mine, a former secondary modern (which means rough and that was the teachers not just the pupils) and just down the road from my school. There was a lot of corporal punishment back in the day which is stupid. It was over-used in my Dad's day and banned now so the kids no there is no deterrent. Luckily in my school it was normally just a shoe. I got it for forgetting RE homework. This was the 80s when whacking kids was going out of fash in England, but we were in Wales. Tommo said he got six of the best for smoking a ciggie "behind the bike sheds" (everything exciting happened behind the bikesheds eg at fantasy nonexistent schools getting what the newspapers call "a sex act"). We were both smoking ciggies and laughing. We were laughing about that and about his broken arm which he got for being drunk and stumbling in the dark. The poor man said he lost his television (electrical fault) and I said if only I'd known he could have had one of mine. I used to have five, now I have at least four. He is one of the coolest people I know, even though he has busted knuckles. Knowing him he was fighting in somebody else's honour. I know Tommy well he is a nice guy.

Pinky phoned me raving about her new memory foam mattress. I asked her whether her mental household is mixed sex she said yeah. I said why don't you say at breakfast it takes vagina prints and she laughed her head off.

I'm actually quite depressed today, my body is tired and my brain is acheing I feel like I have done something wrong and am suffering for it. Like I've done some great but unexciting bike sheds crime and my head is caned just the come down without any fun. I used to get bad down after speed and pretty bad after ecstasy. I feel like such an idiot for ever messing about with such drugs. [I haven't taken ecstasy or speed in over a decade with one exception about four years ago when I found speed in a tobacco tin at a bus stop...]

To try and cheer myself up I had a look through the DVDs at HMV. They say laughter is the best medicine and it does work. Meet the Fockers worked. Paddster asked wether I'd tried Little Fockers yet, but it came out over the new year period when I was mentally ill and won't be released until something like April 25 on DVD. I love Robert DeNiro and Barbra Streisand so I'll try Little Fockers. I bet it outdoes mirtazapine as an antidepressant.

Sorry I wrote nothing last night as I say I really was tired. Having been hypomanic and up all day I suddenly plummeted down in the evening and just had to go to bed and rest.


Illustrated: six cigarettes could get you six of the best; the cane and the gym shoe (the "dap") only got banned when I was about 16; memory foam ~ could have rude implications if you slept naked on your front...



DEPRESSION VIDEOS. I found these yesterday and put them on my random blog. Perhaps someone will find them useful:~~~~~~~


Dr Kay Redfield Jamison, author of the classic memoir An Unquiet Mind, is a sufferer of bipolar i disorder and head of a mood disorders clinic in Washington DC, USA. She is also author of Touched With Fire: Manic Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament. She's talking here about her latest work, about suicide. In her lowest depression, an 18-month long double dip bipolar depression she attempted suicide with a deliberate lithium overdose. So she knows what she's talking about ...






Open University film: Coping with depression. This is really good. It goes through every aspect of depression including drug therapies and drug abuse (part 3) diagnosis (part 2) and the illness and its stigma (part 1).

1/3


2/3


3/3

Nighttime Excitement

0307 Sanity. I'm lucky, I get a mood swing every day. Partially it's to do with my taking the antipsychotics at night so I'm dampened down by day and less dampened at night until I take the pill then whizz-bang. It doesn't put me to sleep but makes me sleep deeper and longer once I do get off.

I just found my £50 million Euromillions lottery ticket and I didn't win, not even the £1 million bonus prize.

I sleep a good ten hours minimum, sometimes past 12 hours. I don't like sleeping too long but apparently it's common amongst people on antipsychotic medication.

I feel way better than I did earlier. I was really depressed.

Somebody rang my doorbell 3 times earlier today but I thought it was someone persecuting me so I didn't answer. Nobody rings my who rings my doorbell gets answered unless they shout my name, phone or I know they're coming. Otherwise they're just a time-waster.

Deshane is coming tomorrow to check I'm doing OK. He is a mental health worker and my mental health is bad. My mood is cycling. Earlier I had suicidal ideation, now I feel vaguely excited, like I'm going into mild mania. This is just me. That's why they say I hae schizoaffective; my moods cycle quickly and I get "psychotic features". I couldn't handle depressive psychosis that is so horrible I won't even describe it to you, it is the worst most horrible type of mental illness going and really frightening just to think about. I'm lucky that my psychosis is "mood incongruent" so e.g. I heard a cockney flower girl saying "Aw darlin'! I've got some lovely roses down me stall. Come and 'ave a look at me roses babes..." really entertaining. Mood congruent hallucinations would tell me I was the dog's bollocks in mania and that I was shit in depression. I am finding out all I can about my illness as knowledge is power. But my shit attention span means I don't take too much in. I'm not sure I've even been correctly diagnosed. You can'treally tell whether you're psychotic so I can't know much about the schizo-bit in schozo-affective. I'm trying to be really grown up about it, but I feel like a small child and quite frightened by it all.

You have to understand this thing that happens to me gets ultra ultra powerful. If you imagine the noise of a road drill and the way it goes right through you, that's what acute mania does to me, it totally takes me over and goes through me with the intensity of a road drill and I'm floridly psychotic. What you read here is the toned down version because I cant post everything. If my shrinko read it I'd get sectioned.

I want to talk to my doctor about sectioning (that is involuntary commitment) because I do lose it sometimes. I want to make an agreement where I can go in voluntarily and agree to act as if sectioned (that is, I won't go outside without permission, I will stay in hospital etc etc etc but technically I will be a voluntary patient). This is a very real issue. If you think I'm going OTT remeember you haen't SEEN me going mad. I upset one friend so much he cried. It was horrible to see. There was me manic just being manic, feeling normal but a bit over-wrought and here is is CRYING over my behaviour. I was making whirring gargling noises like a car engine because my brain stopped thinking in English and turned into noise. I was going really psychotic that day.

Now I have some mania right now. We all know what anxiety feels like. Well imagine anxiety but really nice and when you move or click your fingers you get more excited and go with it. Music sounds lush in this state. It's like a drug. No specific drug I can think of but very similar to cocaine at the lower reaches and trippy E (ecstasy) at the higher levels. I literally see spirals everywhere when I'm tripping on mania.

Obviously I far prefer being manic to being depressed, but mania can get ultra ultra intense which makes Stephen Fry's flip comment about "bipolar being better than depression because you have the upside of mania" yeah MILD mania like type 2 bipolar he has. I'm type one my highs are higher than my lows ever were low and I go floridly psychotic in a way I don't go in depression and it gets so very intense I could have panicked on several occasions. Only strength of character prevented this.

You see this is what I'm trying to deal with but I don't know how to, except by taking meds as prescribed. Also heroin used to do a great deal to prevent my mood cycling. Seriously bad depression felt massively cushioned on heroin (bt never on methadone) and mania seemed to be blocked out. Looking back I can see manic symptoms I had over the years like racing thoughts, aggression and irritation and euphoria. i remember a few years ago I suddenly went from being all mousey and depressed to fantasizing about being Prime Minister (typical manic symptoms, you get ultra-ambitious) and I wanted to start my own HD 24-hour international news channel. I didn't think I was manic at the time, just normal. My normal self is highly ambitious and goal-oriented so it's impossible to tell the difference between mild mania and normality.

Now I feel this excitement coursing through me that I know is there because I had depression earlier. I feel like I'm doing something really exciting tomorrow and can't sleep for the sheer joy of this amazing stuff that's on my mind. Only I'm just seeing Deshane and the drug worker, which in my low state would stress me out big time. I get really stressed over little thigns. I neer thought of this as illness before but X and Y my friends say they've known I was ill for years. Everybody who knew me knew I was ill. Mother Hubbs said I was bipolar (how on earth did she know?) and everyone knew I was very thin skinned re stress. Not re people but re stress. Eg if I had an appointment it would really do my head in thinking about it. In the end I couldn't even score heroin it was too stressful and the dealer would keep phoning me asking where I was because I was late. I'm meant to phone him but the boot was on the other foot and I genuinely didn't care. O man I feel so excited! I'm going in the shower. My clothes are clean I feel so happy having clean clothes I want to be clean too. I love being squeaky clean.

0354 I'm outta the shower lovely and clean. I found a deodorant body spray on the street this evening named Tusk which is really nice so I'm covered in Tusk and feel really clean for a change. I used to so loathe being dirty thaat when we went to a 3-day rave d day's drive away in 1998 or 1999 the VERY first thing I did on returning, friends in tow was to sprint to my own shower and bathe and bathe and bathe luxuriating in the hot water.

I'm going to have to talk to my doctor as I think my pills are making me depressed. I haven't had one yet and I didn't have one last night as I thought I'd taken two (remember?) now I don't want one as I'm feeling excited again and I adore feelling manic. It's my mind and my life I know I "should" take the pill but I don't WANT to I love feeling that euphoria and it's NATURAL EUPHORIA nothing wrong with it. Why should I medicate it away? I have 2 cigarettes here that I want to smoke.

I disturb myself with my own behaviour. Earlier today I nearly described suicide as "lucisous". I make this point to say yeah I know I am mentally ill. How am I meant to "live with mental illness" it's like sharing a bed with a skeleton. Living with mental illness. I know there are far worse varieties (paranoid schizophrenia for one, depression-only schizoaffective for another, depressive psychosis particularly) see I know very well it could be worse but I have to look after myself like a child.

Sorry to go on this is a big issue I don't know how to deal with it. It's rubbish to believe that psychotic people don't know they're ill. Some have this luxury. I don't. I know that I am ill and I know the way I see things doesn't correspond with what you call reality. How do I deal with this? I know you can't answer that one. But I just don't know what to do.

I'm going to leave it there. Don't worry about me I'm on an upper not a downer but I feel very shiny and lucid so I can see how confused I sometimes get. It's like being trapped in a hall of mirrors; knowing you're in the hall of mirrors doesn't get you out of there, you still can't tell what way is out.

I don't even know how I'll be tomorrow. Deshane is coming round, as far as I know so I'm making a special effrt just for him. I need to borrow £20 of Paddadster or Valium Marilyn or Lynette. I'm lucky being a former heroin addict having 3 people who will lend me money. I lent Paddadadster £20 when he desperately needed it so he respects me for it. Bet I won't get that score though. That's Motherfucker's Law. Just when you need £20, it won't come. And I promise to spend it in Iceland on chicken saag and chicken dhansak with mushroom pilau rice, not on gear. Heroin I really don't need, not when I get a coke rush just from not taking meds. How much do people pay for coke? FAR too much!

I LOATHE DRUGS. Drugs stink. Let's leave it there. Me and drugs = DIVORCED. NEVER AGAIN.

A NICE, HEALTHY ATTITUDE. For once.


I thought my Incredible Journey Homeward Bound DVD seemed susipiciously NOT like the film I watched as a kid where the poor golden retriever got porkupine spikes in his boze, now I find out it's a grotty remake with human dialogue all over it. No wonder it's crap.


Anyway re mental health: comments please. I know you're not going through the same thing, I'd just appreciate any feedback.

You know what I find it weird that even my "depression" is counted as an "illness" I just didn't used to see it like that I saw it as me being miserable, not ill. I cant get my head round this "illness" thing. So I'm sick? I'm ill? I don't know. In a way I'd rather think I'm crazed and insane than "ill" and "diseased" mentally... know what I mean..??


0522 ~ O come on someone say something dont be scared. BUGGALUGZ where are you? BUGGALUGZ say something please LIZZYDRIPPING what's up? Come back!



Secret life of a manic-depressive
Getting into your car and thinking of gassing yourself is not a suicide attempt. That's coming near a suicide attempt. After a suicide attempt you wake up thinking you're dead. That's how you know it's a genuine attempt. Because you wake up thinking you're dead.
Stephen Fry has type 2 bipolar mild enough not to have to take meds. Lucky bastard






Open University: coping with depression
3 parts: includes diagnosis and drugs
http://gledwoodvideo.blogspot.com/2011/03/open-university-coping-with-depression.html<


Dr Kay Redfield Jamison (bipolar sufferer, head of a mood disorders clinic) talks about suicide. Half-hour interview
http://gledwoodvideo.blogspot.com/2011/03/dr-kay-redfield-jamison-suicide.html

Chemical Depression is lifting

I GOT A REALLY COOL COMMENT JUST NOW reminding me that my depression is chemical. See my intuition was right in earlier life not to buy any depression help book that didn't mention bipolar. Not because I thought I was bipolar but because anything that would help bipolar would help me. And because bipolar is serious. So again, anything suitable for serious depression would be suitable for my milder (as I saw it0 depression. I think I was bang-on right to do this. More right, as it turns out, than I ever could have known. My index-checking has paid off because I still remember the gist of these self-help books even though I got chucked out and made homeless (and taken in by a kind lady named Lona) and I sold my books to a book stall ~ for heroin money. Every book I had was the sort of thing that bourgeois people like to buy and read. Everything from depression self help to the Beatles songbook with musical scores to John Grisham paperbacks. Bourgeois reading par excellence!

In depression there is a well known phenomenon called diurnal variation where the mood starts off at Stygian gloom from wakening and gradually rises as the day goes on. This is what has been happening to me. I oversleep ~ a good 12 hours per day ~ wake up very sluggish and "somnolent". My depression symptoms match bipolar depression to a T. I'm very pissed off with it all but because it's evening and my energy has rushed back I even feel a bit manic now. Whether Dr Shrinko would call this a mood switch or a mere "diurnal variation" I have no idea but it feels fantastic!

It seems strange thinking of my depression as chemical. I always thought it was my fault. The counsellors think I'm "too hard on myself" ... well I don' see why I should go easy.

To me "chemical depression" or biological depression means it's out of my control. Which feels like a luxury. Or it used to. I always assumed my depression was both psychological and biological and I'm probably right. Of course there's psychological fuel to this biological fire. Or vice-versa... Even anger, losing your temper, causes a biochemical imbalance...

So I'm trying to be grownup but not succeeding terribly well. That's why I asked for advice. My doctor is a consultant psychiatrist with HUGE demands on his time he really can't be at the end of a phone with my every neurotic question. I just thank God that I got 1 a consultant and 2 one who specializes in Dual diagnosis. I was VERY careful not to exaggerate and to keep all I said in perspective and I didn't even tell the very whackiest worst (eg seeing the Northern Lights in my living room) yet he somehow knew the level of "hallucinosis" was out of sync with the level of mania. Sometimes I got very very manic but a lot of the time I was hypomanic [mildly manic] and yet hallucinating. Of course this is Dr Nutternut's area of expertise and he recognized schizoaffective disorder when he saw it. I just feel very weird to be diagnosed Severely mentally Ill. What do I do: Lie in bed all day feeling sorry for myself? I don't know what to do?

Now I have to go it's late and I have to leave it here. I hope I'm making more sense. If there's some way I do not make sense or some basic error I keep making I wish you would just tell me. I need to know these things, so I can use them to my advantage.

Many thanks for listening. Take care y'all!


Illustrated: haloperidol (to which I'm allergic, but it's good for some people); mirtazapine (Remerol) and Lithium are all treatments for schizoaffective disorder. Many people are on all three. Antispychotic, mood stabilizer and antidepressant.

I only took one pill, not two

HEY I FOUND THAT PILL I THOUGHT I TOOK by accident. When I said I took 2 I must only have taken one. Which means I was just feeling ill yesterday. I feel ill today. I sleep for hours and hours and wake up wishing I was dead, hence the Switzerland Suicide Idea which I'm going to save for. can't let the idea of caving in cross my mind so I'm decided. I have always wanted to take a barbiturate overdose. I think the British government are bastards for not selling them over the counter in Death Packs. Who cares if people die? If they're a non-contributory member of society (ie on state benefits) they should get the pack free then Britain will be a better off country. Before y'all call me a nazi I mean I should get the fucking pack free. I don't care what anyone else does. They can do what the hell they like. They always do.

Well there is no news today and there will be no news. I won't get manic again. Those days are gone. I'm not psychotic that thing was a misdiagnosis, I'm just plain depressive. I was bipolar so technically I am bipolar that doesn't mean I will ever feel happy again.

I have a big bottle of methadone. If only they gave it out as neat powder it might have enough to knock me into next week but it's pathetic linctus I'm still knocking the whole lot back I have enough here for xxxxxx x xxxx but it's going down my neck all at once. I used to buy it on the street you see so I have surplus still.

I don't care what anyone thinks about my drug abuse I only abused drugs in the hope that I might OD and die that was the principal reason. Why do you think heroin appealed so much? Because I knew it was deadly. That's why cocaine was never much of a temptation. Anything that can induce coma and death was for me. I would never smuggle cocaine because cocaine overdose is too horrible. But heroin overdose is xxxxxxxx. I've done it. Like floating in a golden haze. I just can't handle the thought of being woken up again. When I want to die I want eternal death with no chance of redemption.

So there is no drug for me, except this methadone. I hope it manages to OD me. Miracles do happen. I deserve to die and I want to die. I never want to wake up again. ROLL ON SWITZERLAND. Best cure for melancholia: death.

If they do give me mood stabilizers you know what they do? Stop you feeling happy and leave you depressed, so they're a waste of time. I never bothered taking meds last night as I thought I'd taken too many the night before so I was evening out. Then I find this green pill, like an idiot. How come I felt so bad yesterday then on just one pill? Who knows what I did. I barely know the day now.

Well this is a bag of joy there is nothing to post. If I made up a load of shit about hearts and flowers it would just be lies to take it as it is, unvarnished.


How to contact Dignitas in Switzerland: assisted suicide blog

Dignitas website (deutsche Sprache)

Assisted Suicide in Switzerland

Ha! Read this about Dignitas Assisted Suicide in Switzerland. "Weariness of life" and "severe mental illness" are BOTH valid categories for DEATH. So I'm saving up my money for a trip to Switzerland. You get 15,000 mg nembutal (barbiturate) or helium (no thanks). So that's my plan from now on. I'm getting posh suicide in Switzerland. And I don't care what anyone thinks it's my life and my decision and I decide to die. Least I don't have to go in front of an express train now. If I need to do it I will lie to get my death. I'd rather tell the truth but I will lie if necessary. I need no-one to come with me, no-one to hold my hand. Oh and by the way Switzerland is the ONLY country in the world to give diamorphine to heroin addicts as FIRST (rather than second)-line treatment. I don't want diamorphine. I want death. Sorry to be realistic, but this is the truth.

Far better than earlier

MY ACCIDENTAL "OVER" DOSE IS WEARING OFF. I am 90% sure I took 8mg risperidone instead of the prescribed 4mg. 8mg is the maximum ordinary dose for bipolar; 10mg the maximum ordinary dose for schizophrenia. Some patients (exceptionally) take up to 16mg but not being used to 8mg it knocked the crap outta me. And it WAS accidental. Not every day I didn't take it was accidental but no way would I deliberately take too much. I put the pill on the side ready for me to take and thought I'd lost it. In actual fact I'd almost certainly taken it. I feel such an idiot. So that drivel you got earlier is just how I feel on too many pills I'm afraid. Sorry I can't come up with something more positive when I'm in a negative state of mind. I took heroin again today and again it was rubbish. This on borrowed money as the DSS have messed up my claim. They're paying 2 weekly and thoughtfully inormed me of this when I was in a manic psychosis so of course none sank in. I vaguely knew the spacing was changing from weekly to fortnightly; what I didn't grasp was that I'd have to do a week on NOTHING. Thanks so much DSS. You wanna know my change in my medical condition GET FUCKED. I'm not telling them nothing.

If I inform them I'm diagnosed schiz-affective they'll only use it to play mindgames against me. No I do not trust them.

Thank y'all for finding so many links. Michael David Crawford's Living With Schizoaffective Disorder geometricvisions link was particularly good. Like me he tells people he's bipolar. It is easier to understand than schizoaffective wheich means bipolar with sparkly knobs on. Like MDC I hallucinate too much to be bipolar eg when I'm ill (not all the time) one time I bought a cyder and my change jingled "fuck off!" at me. My psychiatrist said that is schizoaffective not bipolar. I didn't bang on about the weirder stuff, more the more ordinary stuff to do with mood swings. Yet still he recognized schizoaffective when he saw it. My coping mechanisms are low for bipolar, which is again schizoaffective. So I accept what is wrong with me.

Seaneen at the secret life of a manic depressive says to me congratulations you're the top rung of the psychiatric ladder. Which means I'm less likely to be deliberately mucked around like a person with anxiety disorder would be, so I'm glad to be taken seriously even if it is in a way I wouldn't like. Seaneen is only joking. She's a brave girl who has had severe bipolar disorder since her teens. If you didn't laugh, as they say, you'd cry. And in most circumstances laughter outdoes tears. She got a big knock back when the Kings College, London nursing course she'd set her heart on turned her down, but like I told her, she's only so upset because she WILL make a difference, WILL put her heart into whatever she does. Just by reading her I can tell she would be a credit to whatever institution, company, team she joined.

Somehow she manages to handle her illness without being childish. I know I am being childish when I mention suicidal ideation and everything being pointless and worthless. That's how I feel, but how can I express it in a grown up way? I have absolutely no idea. Most people don't blog their actual breakdowns the way I did, so maybe it's par for the course. I don't know.

Well I'm here on my own with Michael Jackson singing. I looked EVERYWHERE for some music I could tolerate on repeat play and Michael Jackson was all I could find. Bear in mind I'm talking DVDs not CDs so it must have good videos. A lot of music I like has no videos at all. So Michael Jackson it was, along with Abba (Mama Mia) and Varied Contemporary (Moulin Rouge). HMV seem to have a thing against Madonna. Not one single disc of any description. Madonna's collected videos I would have gone for but they weren't there.

Thanks again for all the links; I'm going to look through them more carefully. No link any of you came up with was one I'd already read and I have googled away. I still don't get what illness I'm meant to have. Is it bipolar plus schizophrenia (the implication is NO). Is it a cross between the two (the implication is yes). In ordinary people's terms I'd say schizoaffectives I've met were the most messed up of all psychiatric patients. They get ultra-floridly psychotic: manic with even more psychosis. In psychiatric terms disorganized or hebephrenic schizophrenia (that strikes in the mid to late teens and strikes HARD) is probably the worst psychosis you can get. Most people's idea of psychotic apperas to be paranoid schizophrenia. You have to bear in mind there's also depressive psychosis, manic psychosis and schizophrenic psychosis as well as paranoid psychosis. Each of these has a very distinctive flavour, which is why I say being in a madhouse is FAR more interesting than being in a drug detox. Heroin/crack addiction bends unique people the same way. While nutters go mad after their own fashion. I mean I went into a space where I was the centre of a tornado universe my head so frazzled I had no English thoughts just Noise. Now I didn't even know it was possible to go mad like that. But I did. That is severe mania. See I learned something from my experience. I hope one day I would be able to help another person. As it is I need help to help myself and I do need it. I'm tired and I don't know what to do. It's confusing being ill and dull being less ill (a psychiatrist would say I was still unwell, I know the way they think now) so I'm stuck between a frying pan and a fire all the time. How the hell I find my way to sanity I've absolutely no idea.

And thanks again DSS for making me have to go begging on the street, something I only did for tube fares, food and drugs when I needed heroin money. Now I need to do it just to survive. So thanks DSS for accepting how fucked up I am on paper then treating me like I'm able to negotiate beaurocracy only someone in a paid job should be expected to deal with. I'm putting this to Deshane on Thursday. This week there is a special nutter club because it's ENDING and I don't want to go. I went last week as a gesture of support more than anything and nearly had a panic attack over it so I just don't know what to do. I'm fed up of forcing myself into things in the name of "being grown up" and just suffering, gaining nothing from it.

I learned from the schizoaffective write up that of the 3 personality types: weird (eccentric); avoidant (anxious) and antisocial (don't-care) I'm the first yeah a weirdo so no wonder I have schizophrenia!

Right I have to go I'm dying for a cigarette. I hope y'all are well and thanks again for the links they were very handy.


PS Didn't someone recommend the film Bucket List to me? I looked and looked but cannot find the comment, but thanks whoever gave it. I've got that already on DVD, I bought it during my manic DVD shopping-spree!

Illustrated: see how tiny my robo-hammies actually were. These are fully grown specimens! They're very flighty and like nothing more than pinging onto the floor and vanishing for days at a time. Itchy (the only one of my 3 who was remotely hand-tame)spent more than a week of her life AWOL on 3 separate occasions, the swine!

I THINK I TOOK 2 ANTIPSYCHO PILLS LAST NIGHT INSTEAD OF ONE. I feel like I have severe concussion and ought really to go back to bed.

Thank y'all for all the links I looked at them all. When I had some energ earlier. Now the energy has dwindled.

Heroin: there seems no point. A waste of time (like most things in life).

I am only on one medication as I think the dr wanted to see what that one did before confusing the issue with mood stabilizers. If I'm cycling I'm mostly going up. Except this past week when I've mostly been down. But even then I get a mood swing going UP every day. The UP is to do with the antipsychotics being taken at night so I feel them wearing off every day.

How the hell I was idiot enough to take 2 I've no idea. It most certainly was not deliberate. I only ever deliberately take NONE not 2. Maybe I should give them up they're a waste of time, like a lot of things.

I was supposed to be going to the nutnut club but I think that one's on ice I can't be doing anything I feel too done in to do anything at all. I can barely remember what day it is. My sense of time has gone haywire since I got "ill".

And that's that. I'm wading thorugh treacle today I have to go. If it wasn't immoral I'd suggest we all do a suicide pact but I cannot suggest that it is immoral (who gives a fuck about illegal, it's immoral I'm worried about. I think petty criminals should get death, then I'd take up petty crime bigtime. Well Im burbling don't take me seriously this is the shit that is in my mind I just have sleep deprivation I slept about 11 hours and still need more.

Well I'm off sorry I cannot say anything more socially acceptable.

Ideas and/or Advice, Please!

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO SORT OUT MY BENEFITS STUFF TODAY. They paid me the grand total of £21 this week; I've no idea why. So now I know the correct number I have to ring back tomorrow when they're open. I also am meant to tell them I have schizoaffective disorder. I got a letter a while back that seemed irrelevant but it said underneath that any change in your medical condition must be notified. I don't think the name makes any difference but it might mean I get treated a bit different (if anything, better). They don't seem to quibble so much with severe mental illness whereas depression they subject you to a test to see how depressed you actually are. With this I don't see what test they can do, I just feel too confused a lot of the time to do a lot of basic things. Sad but true. I don't know how I'm going to rise above this one. Depression I fought against but mania you can't fight against it's too intense and also feels nice most of the time, so I don't know what to do. And the schizo-bit in schizo-affective just feels too weird for words so I don't know how to dea with it. Not very good I know but true. They might push me down a pit with people sword fighting like people on television now but I don't know how I'll survive. See I feel confused these thoughts come in my head and I push them out but I push out everything else too so I dont know what to keep in there. This is why I get ill, because I don't understand. I try. I do try. But I feel confused.

Does anybody out there know about schizoaffective disorder and what things I can do self-help wise? PLEASE. Anybody? If you can direct me to a good website or just a forum I'd be ever so grateful. I'm floundering about knowing I have "symptoms" of this "tripolar disorder" (because there are 3 things I get: mania, depression and schizophrenia) and knowing broadly which symptom and experience is flavoured with what, but I don't know what to DO. I want to know what to DO. And why I should do it? And what I might achieve... Please anybody who knows please answer. You don't need to be a fellow sufferer or an expert I'm just after ideas. Remember I have had depression for years and am glad I followed my inkling not to indulge in books that didn't mention Seasonal Affective (SAD) or bipolar. Because I've always thought my depression was partly psychological and partly biological. Even though I hadn't a clue I was schizoaffective until the dr told me so, I've followed the right path, where you accept your illness has a biological component. Purely herbal tea and counselling based stuff just ain't gonna cut it with my illness. I accept I need to take meds. I can feel when I haven't taken them, usually. Apart from Saturday night when I honestly forgot my pill (I'm on one pill now; 1x4mg risperidone rather than 2x2mg, which are too easy to get confused over) I wasn't messing about I really did forget to take it. And for once didn't get "a free coke binge" I just felt nothing bar a sluggish depression I've been in for days. Depression which now has a slight excited tinge in the background. I'm hoping this means a mood switch is occurring.

Yes I used HEROIN today but it did nothing. It was so weak. I wish I wouldn't do it. It doesn't take away "psychotic" things (which I don't really have today) and it doesn't dampen down my bad moods any more so I wish I'd get it THROUGH MY THICK HEAD THAT I'M WASTING MY TIME.

Im pissed off with NA because I shared even though it fucking hurt to do so I still shared something that is personal that I don't have to share and not one fucking person gave any response except the kind of response you get when they know you're using drugs still. I mean I told them I had bipolar mood swings and not one person could think of one faintly constructive thing to say about that.

I don't know what I was expecting. Certainly not "there there" type crap but something. I expected something and I don't think my expectations were unreasonable. Considering nearly ALL bipolar people use drugs which means there must be a lot of manic depression "in the rooms" as they say I expected more. So I was right when I realized NA was NOT for me. They cannot help me, they do not help me. Only seductive thing about NA is the attitude that taking medication is wrong, so I can "not use" my antipsychotics and have "a free coke binge" on them. That is a free manic episode, even a short one for a couple of days. But I'm trying to be grown up and responsible, I don't know why, but I am. Am trying.

I felt misunderstood by them when I took up going again and I still feel misunderstood and unappreciated.

Bear in mind I have been coming to NA for over 10 years, since I very first saw a problem developing, so I know NA, know their philosophy and their ways and feel let down, now that I genuinely want to be clean and serene I feel nobody has made any effort towards me, not genuine effort. All I get is "do a detox" (ie have a psychotic episode) and likeminded stuff in other words they're telling me to go crazy. I'm willing to go crazy as long as I can do it IN THEIR HOUSE. That will teach them to throw out platitude-ridden advice, when they see what happens when I "detox" and "go clean" as they believe clean is.

TIESTO/RALPH FRIDGE: PARADISE
when i went mad that time my shower kept saying "paradise paradise" after this song!



I'm not getting too wound up by Narcotics Anonymous and I refuse to throw the baby out with the bathwater. But I'm only doing one meeting per week at the moment. You have to bear in mind I have bad memories of coming to NA having heard voices all the way there on the bus, then locking myself up in a dark room with them in a psychotic state only for them all to believe I was high on crack when I was "high" yes, but on nothing! Just like you I have only a certain tolerance for such bullshit and then I start feeling genuinely upset. You see I know the name of my disorder now and it's not a good one. Now I have to tell the Social Security this crap, which I don't want to, but they need to know. They do say any change in your condition should be notified to us so fuckit I'll notify them. What on earth they'll do with that information I hesitate to think. You see I had symptoms and knew I wasn't right. Then this doctor tells me in these same words "I think you have a mental illness". I have never thought of myself as "mentally ill" before. Depression is supposedly a mental illness but it didn't make me feel mentally ill. Only the crash from mania into depression has truly made me feel injured and ill. Very very sick and ill. The crash I had in December counts as one of five all time worsts. The fact that there are FIVE not one probably says a lot but I'm not dwelling on that one. Do you understand why I disengage rather than wallow? If I wallowed I would never get out of self pity and it would destroy me. I'd rather pretend nothing is wrong than wallow in the wrongness. I don't care if I'm doing the wrong thing; life is so very difficult I don't know what else to do.

TRANCE VISIONS: PARADISE (KOMAKINO REMIX)



Well I hope I've been grown-up enough today I don't feel grown up. I feel like the parent of a 3 year old child ~ as per usual ~ saying "DO THIS! DON'T DO THAT!" and the recalcitrant child barely listens..!

And how was YOUR DAY? rsvp!


RALPH FRIDGE: PARADISE (PUSH MIX)

I love a Pakistani

I HAVE SWITCHED OVER MY FAVOURITE FOOD from Chinese to Pakistani. I'm on chicken saag masala and pilau rice tonight and chicken tikka pilau now. Like I say I sept a long time in th night. I don't know why except that it's supposed to be wrong to do such a thing. So I'm hiding indoors. Michael Jackson is singing to me off a siver disc.

I know I shouldn't talk about suicidal ideation when I have it. I don't mean to upset anyone. I don't care whether I irritate anyone. If yoou want me to xxxx you I'll do that for you. I have a wound up feeling so I really should xxxxxx xxxxxxx. I know it's offensive to say that but I should. I can't believe I have to sensor mysef but I do I have to have to xxxx mysef. That's how I feel. Have to xxxx xxxxxx.

Yes I am not happy. I am deeply unhappy so I have ot be proactive not reactive. That means taking action preemptigvely not beinga pussy and caving in or doing what someone else wants.

I know a blog is supposed to be full of bullshit to make people read it but I don't know what bullshit to put in it. There are no bullshit and my hamsters are dead. I still have their bodeis there in Mother Hubbs's garden but I can dig them up for you/

O rea;;u ;ole Omdoam fppd tjat#s wjat O a eatomg tpdau/

[I'm sorry: no glasses and poor concentration let that through; it wasn't deliberate whackiness. My fingers were on the wrong home keys it means I reaally like Indian food that's what I am eating today]

Whatever else that's just bullshit.

*******

SORRY i'VE LOST MY GLASSES BC I WAS MENTALLY ILL HENCE THE GOBBLEDYGOOK IN THE LAST SENTENCE ITS NOT DEIBERATE YOU CAN WORK IT OUT BY TAPPING OUT THE SAME WITH FINGERS ONE KEY ALONG ...

Sleep Deprivation

I MUST HAVE HAD IT because I slept all day then all night. Waking at midday. If I told you I had 3 Valiums (1 by day; 2 at night) you'd think "ah! It was the Valium!" but that doesn't normally happen on Valium. I only bought them for nutter club later in the week to stop me having panic in there. I nearly had panic attacks that is I did have bad anxiety 2 days last week and I AM NOT going into anxiety territory. I really will kill myself if I get anxiety it is worse than depression. It is like a mild mania without the fun. I have to watch what I say here else fate will get me then I'll have to die. If I have anxiety I can never go in a nuthouse as they never treat anxiety in there. Violence, suicidal ideation, yes. Paranoid ideation they make a game out of.

When I go in the post office I don't get why the woman behind the counter wants to live. I don't get why people on the streets laugh. I don't get why anybody wants to be alive.

Sunday

I hibernated all day.

Snobbery

OK YA GOT YA SHOT OF FURRINESS look one post lower. Hibernation. I haven't done very much today except hibernate. I wanted to sleep last night and was maniac instead, as soon as I hit a lull I chucked risperidone down my throat, still didn't sleep. Realized I'd forgotten methadone. Took that and Nytol. Slept. Slept all day till four pm.

Heroin is slipping down down down in my affections. I got a really cool message last night callling me a drug snob over H4, H3. That is, preferring the injectable hydrochloride salts of heroin over heroin base which is strictly for smoking but can be injected with the addition of vein-rotting fruit acids. If I'd used more H4 (instead of just TWO batches in ten years) my veins might be in better shape. But then again I'd still be using and would have gone even more insane when I stopped, as more time would have passed and everything would be worse worse worse so maybe I should be thankful for H3 the drug that made me stop it. My veins are so bad now I just skin pop, rather than go in the neck or the femoral. Skin pop WHEN I do it. Which is now never. If you follow me you'll have to excuse the constant lapses in time. Past, present and future all converge here.

Anyway, yes I am a drug snob and doncha just love it! I love being a snob. There are drugs snobs, fashion snobs, intellectual snobs and cultural snobs (not strictly the same thing as painting and opera are cultural but not intellectual); money snobs (big time) and here in Lovely Britain you still get Class Snobbery or more commonly Inverted Class Snobbery. Just about any aspect of human life is enshrined in snobbery of some sort. Even junkies are snobs. To do with how long you use. How much you use (the littlest the best; the most the best)... and so on.

Moulin Rouge is on as I felt musical. I like the music in Moulin Rouge. If I were in that film I'd want to play the conductor. I'm way thinner than the conductor they cast but I'd do a good job at King of the Crazies.

Outside it may be rainining
But in here it's entertaining!

Couldn't have written a better couplet meself.

Here's the conductor:



The Moulin Rouge must have been quite good on absynthe.

According to Wikipedia, "a critic" said (probably last year) that:

Absinthe makes you crazy and criminal, provokes epilepsy and tuberculosis, and has killed thousands of French people. It makes a ferocious beast of man, a martyr of woman, and a degenerate of the infant, it disorganizes and ruins the family and menaces the future of the country.

Vincent Van Gogh was said to have been a heavy drinker of absynthe. I spell it with a Y.

I'm so not into drugs I have a pack of unopened needles. Just lying there on the floor. I am throwing all dirty ones out. This one stays vigin and unpenetrated until the day comes when I chuck it out or use it. Possibly to squirt ink over canvas or for some artistic purpose. Didn't say I'd use 'em for heroin did i?!

Well this has gone on too long. I tried to watch Cleopatra last night but was semi-conscious by the end. See I told you it was a drain on the attention.

Do you know City Roads drug detox actually have a "no cutting" rule. So they expect you to take away the only thing that "makes life worth living" and not act at least pseudo-suicidal. That's what happens in drug detox. Most people are suicidal. If you don't know that you don't know about addiction! Why do you think I get offended when NA tell me to "detox". They haven't seen me do it! It makes me lose my marbles. I lost then every single time I tried to do it or even switched medication. I got hyper on Subutex. Never realized what was happening but music suddenly sounded incredibly lush. I was glued to the music channel for days on end. In the mornings I was so happy it was unreal. Made the 3 days of going from heroin/methadone to Subutex a doddle but looking back I know I wasn't right. The other times it was just horrible.

I was into doing that Waismann method anaesthetic detox and getting the druggieclinic to fund it. They might if I impressed them with my logic. But considering every other detox I have done has perturbed the balance of my mind very obviously (and not worth going into here) and that even switching heroin to methadone had the walls speaking to me, and that my mind is fractured enough to be labelled schizo... I cannot see that I would wake up exactly in one piece... Know what I mean?

PS Heather's Mom writes addiction book reviews
http://heathersmom1.blogspot.com/2011/02/book-reviews.html?showComment=1299375596672#c563837765930657841

Well I wanted to end this on a positive. See below for the entertaining furrybunnyhammywithatail sleeping. That is a dormous:~~

Hibernation

FURRY FRIDAY ON SATURDAY

In Germany it's known as Overwintering...



... dormice do it ...



... beautiful humans do it ...

HIBERNATION!

WISHING Y'ALL A CHARMING WEEKEND!

Tea and Sympathy

I MET SOMEONE I KNOW who also happens to be labelled schizoaffective. That is Pinxx. She bought me an alcoholic lemonade, but she drank tea. She said when she starts drinking she can't stop. Not like me. I can. I stopped drinking after 3. We smoked Sterling and Pall Mall cigarettes. She says she sees faces in the floor like I do. I see little furry animals everywhere, kind of like patterns you see in clouds. And no, not every second of every day. Occasionally. Even when it is happening it only happens a few times per day. I had an extra-lovely dose of methadone in the night so I was extra woozy in the morning. In fact I didn't get up until past 11am. I met X and Y my 2 friends who are sometimes helpful. I told them I had schiz-affective. I only tell people the full name who I think might understand it. They didn't. X said only 1 in 1000 people is bipolar. This is nonsense, it's one in 50. Or one in 100 each of type 1 and type 2. Schizoaffective is 1 in 200 so I'm rare!

What was I ranting on about yesterday "showing 2 fingers" to the methadone clinic?..? This is because I hate them having one up on me. At least I'm motivated to get off the green gloop. Most people seem to want to stay on it as long as possible. I don't. I just want to be OK and drop the crap as quick as I can.

So Pinky and I had tea. There isn't much else to tell. We talked about mental hospitals and drugs. The secretaries on the next table seemed to find our conversation fascinating but I didn't play up to that. I don't think P would have approved. She is still using heroin, which pisses me off. She's not a heroin addict and never has been fully addicted. She's done cold turkey 3 times but can't have been fully addicted. She would have gone crazy if she was. Remember the time I clearly met diagnostic criteria for bipolar first was when I detoxed cold turkey. I was manic-depressed (both). I've seen tired mania (no physical energy but the mind seething over) and that was me when I came off the heroin. Full mania means you're shining out energy like an electric fire. Others can warm themselves on your heat.

I used to be very in tune with psychic emanations when I was younger. Heroin gave me the luxury of psychic sleep. Now I'm wide awake again and that's why I got diagnosed nuts. Everything flooded back at full strength. You have to bear in mind I went "mentally ill" ON the stuff that blocks mental illness out, so without that stuff of course I need risperidone to be OK.

I'm back taking the meds once more. It's very boring, but I do it.

Cleopatra is playing on TV. What a luxury to have afternoon films in the evening thanks to shiny digital discs. I nearly had a flaming row (yes I was manic) in the shop when I bought it about my reasons for buying that film. In the end I just dropped it and stalked out, film in hand. Why should I explain the fact that Cleopatra is very good but very long and a challenge to the attention span. You need lots of hot tea and cigarettes to get through it. In years gone by I'd have needed heroin too, least I don't need that any more. I haven't taken heroin since the start of the week. What a waste of time that was. I don't even recall why I wanted it now. Now I've proven, yet again, that it's crap ~ I don't need it any more.

Anyway that's today. I'm off. Take care everyone. Be safe.

I'll tell you a secret...

LET ME REVEAL to you my most embarrassing of secrets. It happened when I was 16 and staying on a campsite in Belgium. This Lithuanian gypsy girl who looked "like Madonna" (Madonna was a huge star at the time)... anyway THAT should be enough to sucker anyone who follows me into logging in for a good read.

Now on to the real business. Heroin! Please somebody help me start this heroin production line of mine. I need (off the top of my head) lots of charcoal biscuits, ether, acetone, ethyl alcohol, hydrochloric acid, calcium carbonate and of course acetic anhydride. And I want lessons in how to turn opium paste into high grade white heroin hydrohloride (no brown junk, please) and how to do it in my own back yard using portable camping stoves for heat. I know you simmer the morphine base in acetic anhydride at approx 85C for 5 hours... what then? The H3 to H4 bit I know in principle... advice please. And can anybody arrange for me 50 tonnes of H4 white on tick? I'm good to repay and don't care about getting gunned down.

Well my mediation vacation is going swimmingly. Only people who meet me think something is wrong so I'm writing as rationally as possible to fool y'all. I'm not hearing voices today. My mood is barely hypomanic. OK: slightly hypomanic, as we speak. Hypomania is MILD mania. Full-on mania is like being in an explosion of colours, sound and impressions. Exhilarating! Hypomania is like a few lines of coke.

I had a beautiful Natural Cocaine binge all last night. I was bingeing on my own free neurotransmitters by not taking medication and it felt wonderful. I slept 5 hours this afternoon (fitfully, it has to be said). I love sleeping, even for a few hours. The night before I slept over 11 and didn't want to be moved.

My mood is "cycling" that is I get mood swings lasting very approximately 24 hours to 7 days. High and low. The highs are like free cocaine as I say so no complaints there. They only get acid-trippy on the very extreme high. Naomi from the Dual Club says "you might be right" when I bitterly told her my symptoms get "severe" (by psyh standards: normal standards mean nothing, by normal standards I'm a huge fuck up anyhow so I don't bother with normality).

I went to Nutter Club but had to leave early due to a near panic attack. I really was not up for handling other people's negativity. So I got up abruptly said I needed fresh air and pinged out. Now Naomi is really worried about me. I was in dire straits yesterday and that was ON meds. Severe manic symptoms dampened weirdly down with weird repetitive voices in my head. I nearly had a panic attack in Sainsbury's. (No wonder you might say if you know Sainsbury's. A supermarket.) Yeah Naomi rang me for half an hour. She is very good. Never puts a foot wrong. Knows how to handle people in really precarious mental states. She was wonderful when I came in on full-on mania laughing my head off hysterically. Unable to string words together. Somehow through the clipped-up slideshow of the day, she shines out as a beacon of sense. I was too out of it on mania to follow what anyone said once they veered off the obvious. I was interrupting everyone all the time with my own thoughts and opinions.

Apart from Nutter Club what have I done?... Not a lot. Planning my Heroin Empire, mainly. I'm in a really good mood so I have energy for important stuff like international drug importation and production. I want to PRODUCE my product. The brand name is going to be WHITE TIGER with 100% written underneath and loads of shit in Burmese, Chinese and Thai hong-donging down the side. And before anyone DARES imply I'm raist let's have a Chinese and Thai language competition, you and me, and see who wins. Least I studied them. Bet you didn't.

PLEASE EVERYBODY HAVE A GO ON THE PERSONALITY PERCENTAGES DISORDER TEST. The link is here
http://www.similarminds.com/personality_disorder.html I gave my results in the post below. I score highest on schizotypal (eccentric), schizoid (don't need friends), borderline (over-emotional) and paranoid. The paranoia is definitely down to illness, I just do not have the unforgiving nature required for a "paranoid personality disorder" y'know?!

I'm v grateful that personality disorders shit is out of my life. I mean as if! I might have a bit of a schizzy personality but that only means I keep myself to myself and my primary motivation is not other's approval and that I do my own thing. That's all.

They thought I might have one because I basically had mental illness I had successfully semi-medicated away, creating a confusing clinical picture. My heroin worked about as well as risperidone as an antipsychotic mood stabilizer. It definitely worked. And no I do not suggest anyone try the same thing, I mean look what happened to me. I'm lucky to be nuts, means I get kid-glove treatment at that clinic now. If they mess me around I will show them 2 fingers and just score on the street. It's more a "when" than an "if". I was all for giving them the elbow when "severely manic" last month but everyone told me not to. I told a few people I had "anxiety and depression" and they believed me! "Not depressed now, are you!" said one as I burbled deliriously away. It was SUCH GOOD FUN whizzing around in the back of a car scoring heroin not using the dullardly heroin [they scored it; I didn't even know that dealer] (it reduces mania so why take something to get LESS high? Dur!) I was out of my box. Thinking we were off to some magnificent party, then remembering we weren't. Thinking all manner of things very rapidly it was fantastic.

This is what I love about being "mentally ill" the candy-colored hilarity of it all. It's much much better than any physical illness I can think of. I can't think of many physical illnesses that make you feel Better Than Well like manic bipolar does. Fair dos it can get ultra-ultra super concnetrated like whooshing into the centre of a spiral. Which is why Stephen Fry annoys me for making flip comments about a condition (bipola i) he doesn't have. He has bipolar ii which is quite different. The heritability of bipolar i is quite clear; bipolar ii is a mystery. Bipolar i comes in families with a clear history of depression, bipolar or schizophrenia. Bipolar ii doesn't. Bipolar i has funky bits (psychosis) bipolar ii doesn't. Bipolar i typically has 3 parts depression to 1 mania (time-wise); bipolar ii is 37:1. Different illnesses.

Sorry Baino to go on and on about my issues YET AGAIN but I'm confused about everything. I don't even know what schizoaffective really means apart from it being the luuuurve baby of manic depression and schizophrenia and being "more serious than bipolar disorder" and "less serious than schizophrenia". I heard the manic type has a better outlook for recovery than the depressive type. Stress makes me manic. So even if I'm depressed, when I have a psych appointment I'm ALWAYS hypomanic in there and that is not acting. I act exactly as I am in those interviews Im too sick and tired of mind games to do any different. Sometimes I wish I'd said YES to going into hospital, because Id probably be in there now if I did.

That is what I hate most about the mental health system I actually got desperate enough at one point to try "showing what they needed to see" which I thought was depression. So I never dared crack a smile, initiate any conversation or basically do anything except answer what wa put before me and get the hell out and quick. I also noticed I was getting asked a set of questions that didn't even apply to me. When I didn't hear voices I got asked all the time whether I did. Then once I did nobody ever asked about them! I felt like such a fraudster thanks to those DSM diagnostic criteria which are frankly nonsensical to anyone with depression lower than the higher end of "moderate". Moderate depression means the absolute fucking pits of suicidal hell. The top end of severe is staring into space for hours yet being able to break out of it and do things; the lower end means staring into space and only able to stop with egreat difficulty. You'll end up in the middle of the room, frozen, wondering how you got there and where you're going. Not through memory loss; through lack of motivation. Very severe depression is a complete stupor where you literally cannotmove or speak at all. It has nothing to do with playing a game or acting or resisting attention, you literally have nothing to say and so cannot move your lips to say this nothingness. Everything is utterly invalid, incomplete, inconsequential. As in mania where all is equally good, equally valid and you can go with anything, in depression I frequently end up in shops stuck. Not wanting to go home. Not wanting to buy anything. Not knowing what to buy. So I just do the bare essentials and get the hell out and go straight home and curl up in a ball again, like a little hammy in a nest. Hamter are schizzy and very spirited, jut don't cross one they get into raging fury and do bite. Pandable was my best hammy and he threatened to bite me every time I woke him up during the day. Only when he knew for sure it was my hand and me did he calm down and sniff around it (after food, the tubby swine!)

Now I can't recall where this was going. Tubby swines. Hammies. Good a place as any to stop.
I'm taking my meds tonight; I feel qutie confused wtihout them and my mood cycles fast, on a 24 hour cycle a in one day up one down; one up one down etc etc

EVERYBODY PLEASE DO MY PERSONALITY DIOSRDERS QUIZ AND LEAVE RESULTS IN COMMENTS!
http://www.similarminds.com/personality_disorder.html

Tut mir leid: I don't recall what I put in this post, I can't spend all night fretting over wordings, so it's going IN. Sorry if it's boring....

Schizotypal personality disorder link:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002493

Schizotypal wikipedia entry:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizotypal_personality_disorder

(I'm supposedly schizotypal; though on the friendship side I'm not SCARED of people, I just don't NEED them there. I do like people I just don't NEED them the way some other people seem to need companionship. So in that aspect I'm schizoid rather than schizotypal. Now come on somebody else take the test please y'all are pretty normal, I'd like to see how you come out of it!

Medication Vacation/Drugs Empire

I'M GIVING MYSELF an unofficial medication vacation to see what happens when I stop taking these meds. I nearly had a panic attack yesterday. VERY nearly. So they're not working. And I was hearing "voices" in my head saying eg "annoying" as annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyingingingingininginging" like that it's a type of clanging where you get stuck in the syllables of a long word (or a short one). It feels really strange I don't know entirely whether it's schiz or manic being as I have the luuuuurrve child of manic depression and schizophrenia I can't believe I got TWO THINGS WRONG wonkybonkytiddles wong with me how ridiculous is that. If I have a panic attack tomorrow I can take the shit in the day I just really don't want to. I had Valium; took 1; lost 2. Money goes walkies all the time. My dr said not handling money well even off drugs is a schiz symptom and I REALLY mean I cannot handle it. I go on manic spending sprees or just lose it. Absolutely no idea where it goes. You wonder why I want [wanted: I'm fed up of this suicide talk; this will be the last of it] to commit suicide you're all taken in by my ability to keep a blog going you don't see what a mess I'm in. A really really bad mess. The council want to sling me out on the street but they can't (apparently) because I'm too nut nut. I don't care at all what happens I honestly don't it was easier on the street, ironically enough. Though it also brought on a severe episode of illness. Severe for the time. I remember riding the bus and everybody had crosses in their eyes. I saw visions in the walls and heard things, every day. Today somebody yelled my name repeatedly from a car but I ignored him. I hear voices like that all the time so I ignore them. How am I to know when they're true? So I'm living without meds now, had enough of them, I want to get manic. Least I KNOW I'm not frying my brains even though it feels really brainfrying at the peak. The peak I got to was, as I say, like a road drill going through my head on acid. Ultra intense. But this is a feeling of energy and euphoria. Very very hard and strong. That's why I like music with an aggressive edge in this state because I feel aggressive and powerful. And I don't have time for shit from nobody. In the severe state I would just lamp someone as soon as look at them. I'm not a violent person but if someone pushed my button they'd getta smacka da face-a before they could say "geronimo"..!

I'm not manic now. Just a bit hypomanic. That feels like anxiety but in a good way. It's like positive mental energy coursing through me like amphetamines. I read a quote from that idiot Stephen Fry, who is type 2 bipolar (ie the mild but miserable subtype with 37 times more depression than hypomania; I'm type 1 the full-blown type)... he opined on his QI show that only hardcore manic-depressives go on lithium. Hang on a sec he is lucky to have bipolar so slightly he doesn't even need meds. If you've seen that "secret life of a manic-depressive" he made he's by far the mildest case on there. His "hypomania" looks faked-up to me. Far too little speediness and far too much jolliness. He actually looks drunk more than manic. Mania is FAST, it amps out energy like an electric fire or a huge burning light bulb. You can feel the energy of a manic person, just as you can feel heat from a fire. His depression looks real enough, but the mania, in my view is strictly "for camera". And he hasn't a clue how intense mania can get. He says manic depressives are lucky because at least they have the ups of mania. How intense can mania get? EXTREMELY INTENSE. That's why I cried when I saw the deer in The Deer Hunter. The poor thing is FOAMING AT THE MOUTH. I thought what does that poor animal have to go through to get so wound up it is FOAMING? Whatever it felt was INTENSE. I just hope the bastard film-makers put it down quick. They had no qualms about animal cruelty when that film was made. Mania is INTENSE. And that's why I cried for that animal. Because we both know INTENSE.

I'm just glad what I had was intense mania not intense suffering. When I do go down I tend to think I'm in a spiritual wilderness rather than a true Depressive State. I spend hours staring into space. Last time the TV semi-conked-out and I didn't notice for 2 days. Somehow I collected methadone in this state but don't remember. They are used to me behaving strangely and are very sarcastic. I think they can fuck off. If they take the piss then I will ******* ** **** I am fed up of people taking the piss.

I'm coming off my methadone as quick as I can I am fed up of the clinic taking control of me they want to run my life. I feel sorry for the poor worker who probably thought he was taking on a normal case when he's taking on a grade A nut job. Did you know 25% of all people who are psychotic are schizoaffective. It's probably 50% schizophrenia and the rest bipolar. I found out my suicide risk is only 1 in 10. Bipolar is meant to be 1 in 5. Maybe it's because I get more free entertainment off my "illness" than a bipolar person would.

It means I get more funky bits, which they only get when ultra-manic, I get voices when just hypomanic or depressed. Depressed is harder to deal with because I disengage. Manic I thoroughly indulge in when alone. Pottering about. Outside I have to REALLY watch myself and button down. Even then I'm radiating manic energy like a psychiatric beacon. I remember the look on the police's face when I walked right up to them. I don't know whether I was meant to miss the OBVIOUS NUDGE-nudge but it was BLARING I only wanted directions to the main road.

I have to blog this for when I die I want my family to cash in £££ if I die they get more dollars because the crap I have written has a publicity value. It's my wish that any revenue from my intellectual property be split entre ma mere, mon pere et mes deux freres sorry there's a French film on it makes me think in French. I'm watching Un Prophet encore il s'agit dans un prison francais ou les prisoniers sont gangsters de la Corse et cetera ok i'm dropping the French now. I can't believe I recall that phrase "il s'agit" (it takes place) and that a director is called a metteur en scene. See I do know some French. It's just vraiement terrible; pardon: vraiment terrible ~ pas de l'"E" I love the double-clanger french quotation marks like this «O» or even funkier »O« ~ German styleee.

Now what was I babbling on about. That Frantic screen is playing but I hate the footage. Love the music but they all look like kids. Lollypops, dummies, no thanks. A dummy is a pacifier.

Hey they're taking heroin on telly. Got a real good gauwch on. Just as I'm getting a good rush on. I'm rushing nicely off my meds.... yummmmyummmmyummmm. why the FUCK should I take something to bring me down. I am just glad I don't have money. My Mum rang me today to find out what was wrong with me... I just blurted it out. She knows someone who is bipolar who lost everything thanks to a bad business investment when manic. Im so glad I don't have money to lose, then I really would kill myself.

Does anyone want to take part in a poppy farming scheme? I need 50,000 acres, Ideally in America or somewhere sunny. Does anyone live in the highlands of Iran, Turkey or Afghanistan who wants to come in with me to make H4? I want to be trained up as a full-on heroin chemist. I would love to work in an H4 lab with the Wa, the Burmese tribe who now control "China White"... ask Valerie. She says her Double UO Globe is doing terrific business. She is too off her tits on crack to write much these days...

Also would anyone be willing to smuggle me over 50,000 kilos of China White? Please do it in one shipment I want no fucking about. I'll be the crime boss, you can all get the scrapings off the lab floor.

Actually I might seriously go into heroin production that would be such FUN. A product I believe in..!!!!!! China white, babes.

By the way anyone who DARES ship out brown from my refinery will get Death by 1000 Cuts, no messing. I'm only gonna be known for high grade shit. My brand name will be White Tiger 999. I'll ship in 1.4 kg (double unit) blocks. Yummy big blocks of A grade white heroin! Anna Grace do you wanna come in with me as my American connexion. I want to supply Chicago, New York, Boston, Washington, Philadelphia, Los Angeles... fuckit I will flood America with my evil brands! UK watch out you don't know what is going to hit you. The shitty stuff will be called Trotterdonkey Brand, it will have a donkey with sombrero on the bales, in tacky turquoise ink. The shit stuff is coming to Britain as Brits will take any crap heroin wise. That's why they were on BROWN sugar for so long. Ukhhh.

Hey I have got a real adrenaline rush going here. I'm so full of schemes and plans for my New Drug Mafia. I will Rule the World in Narcotics. Once I take over Afghanistan and Colombia-Peru-Bolivia I'll have a monopoly on heroin and coke. I'll expand into ecstasy and designer shit as well as yucky cannabis. And I'll crank out crystal meth like nobody's business. The HUGE market for cryssie is in Europe. Those middle class parents won't know what's hit them as their kids become bug-eyed monsters picking at skin, painting walls, ripping up books, getting rid of ants and dirt that doesn't exist.

YES AND ALL THIS IS A FANTASY for anyone who takes me TOO FUCKING SERIOUSLY HONESTLY!

Right I'm off.

PS Drugs Empire ideas in comments. Quickly! Please.

Do mafia bosses say please? OK then fuck you!

And NO I AM NOT ON DRUGS I AM A MANIC DEPRESSIVE SCHIZOAFFECTIVE NUTCASE OK!?!

GET WELL SOON ANNA GRACE IF YOU'RE READING... Anna is probably in hospital with manic depression.

Illustrated: my mountainous China White Empire; gear to Aus; gear to Europe NOT ENOUGH COMES FROM BURMA in my humble view. I don't need it for myself but others do so I shall make multiple millions from their misery. (Someone has to.) I'm going to stick these maps on my walls full of map pins and post-it notes to make them look really important when the council come round and say "plan your drug smuggling operations elsewhere" and I'll say "I'm a heroin producer and importer not just a master smuggler"..!

0515 I should really go to sleep; but I'm too excited!

0641 Schizzoaffective quiz! See how you do. I got 20/24... oops

0739 I love these tests (personality disorders test)! I just found out I'm ~
paranoid: high
schizoid: high
schizotypal: very high
antisocial: low
borderline: moderate
histrionic: low
narcissistic: moderate
avoidant: high (I'm very avoidant, it's my new favourite word, it means you don't do anything that makes you feel SHIT)
dependent: moderate
obsessive-compulsive: moderate

eh I've found another one, a personaltiy disorders test. Im determined to get myself one. They're this season's hot psychiatric accessory. Especially in blue...
My results: paranoid 78%; schizoid 86%; schizotypal 90%; antisocial 46%; borderline 78%; histrionic 30%; narcissistic 42%; avoidant 42%; dependent 38%; obsessive-compulsive 66%... so I'm really schizotypal ie eccentric and don't give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of me! Big wow. Big revelation that one. How perceptive.


1749 come on take the 2nd test, with percentages and gimme your results in comments. all psychopathology will be treated in strictest confidence. many thanks.

A really cool email

I GOT A FIRST CLASS EMAIL earlier on. From the daughter of a murdered prime minister after a coup d'état in West Africa; she has $8.5 million US inheritance and demands MY ASSISTANCE to get it. I haven't done the reply yet for African email #2, when I get hit for dosh but I'm playing along. I think I will ask HER to help me with a small investment of 2kg best China White heroin plus a token payment of $4 million from the funds she already has. Thank you very much. And I don't promise to pay anything back. This is a donation I'm asking for, not a loan. Actually make it 10kg pure white heroin (brown will be returned by first post (ha! as if!!)) 10kg should last 10 years if you went at it in moderation. I mean I could easily use 2.5g+ in a day without a 10kg stash eating at my attention. At old purities that's 1000mg diamorphine. No wonder methadone wouldn't hold me! I really need 20kgs to be all right. Or 30. Or 40. See why I never went into drug smuggling?

I would never mule for anyone else, no matter how cherry-dripping the offer. Only for my own personal lifetime use. And it must be white H4. No brown crap.

No amount I ever brought over would be enough and I'd need an industrial trolley just to get it across the airport foyer. No way would I supply another with heroin. And I'd only go through countries with guaranteed death penalty for heroin exporters. I wouldn't expect anyone to believe my true story of why I was into heroin trafficking (to feed myself with the pure white heroin I brought back from Burma) which is why I won't get involved. I don't care about dying. I couldn't live with someone taking a lifetimes supply of heroin off me. That would kill me before any firing squad got round to it. (Firing squad with every gun loaded: my favoured method of execution.) If I ever got life in a foreign prison I'd demand a legal review for death. Or just pay someone else to strangle me. (And you think I'm joking? I've read a Thailand prison memoir! I know. Singapore is much better: you get death. As in China. They hanged/shot someone with bipolar disorder so China and drug smuggling sound very attractive to me.

Now back to my email, PLEASE any suggestions for choice phrases to go in. I must be just about believable and totally credulous. PLEASE HELP ME WIND UP SOME INTERNATIONAL FRAUDSTERS.

Please help. I have a west African princess at my disposal. How much should I ask HER for? Really it must be more than one million. Shame her "inheritance" is only 8.5 million US. I could do with 50 million UK myself. Need it to buy a house. Houses in London are VERY expensive. It must be double-fronted. Ideally Knightsbridge within 5 mins walk of Harrods. Or Mayfair, walking distance of Bond Street. Knightsbridge would be far better as Harrods is the best shop in the world. No racks and racks of boring women's clothing like the worst ones. Just stuff stuff stuff, really good stuff. Their hifi dept is second to none.

Now I must off: WIND-UP EMAIL IDEAS, PLEASE!

PS I'm getting a couple of free clonazepam later in the week ~ whooooh!

PPS I'm thinking of giving my medication a miss tonight. I could do with a little mania. I need to clean my house.

Anyway I don't see why I should take a fucking pill just to be half-sane.

MAMA MIA: DON'T GO WASTING YOUR EMOTIONS
doncha love that that blue bedroom wall?



EARTH SONG
I like the musical phrase when he sings "did you ever stop to notice?..."
that's "inspiration" in the notes



MJ: BLOOD ON THE DANCEFLOOR
I love the clonk-clonk in this




Illustrated: beyond-the-pale brown; proper white heroin. And that's a miserable portion of B they're putting in the little bowl: 7g IF THAT. Ukk.

Deer Hunter Music

MOOD SWINGS. I nearly had a panic attack in Sainsbury's. But I have decided panic attacks and me are NOT going to share a bed. Absolutely no way. I went out and scored 3 Valium blues (10mgs) now I feel all zonged. But way more with it than I was on meds last night.

I have been sleeping really well. Didn't want to get up at 12:30 today but I had to.

Problem with anything antimanic; it's liable to make you a bit depressed. Today I felt manic inside my skull but not outside it. Which meant my head was clanging. Saying the same syllables over and over in my brain. I'm glad I didn't have access to a computer: knowing me I would have posted them.

There is nothing else to put up. No positivity as I have done no positive things. All I want is to run away and hide from life. It's all too too much. Today I had to go home early I know when I have gone to my limit. When I push myself past it I just end up as a nervous wreck so better NOT push too far. See I am mentally disabled now. Not in principle; in practice. If I can talk and move hands I can type. I don't drive so I don't know whether I'd be able to in this state. If it's too much to do the basics it's too much to move pedals, steering wheel and gear stick. It just is.

I was googling stuff to do with death and came across someone who has said "there is no quick and painless way to die so I am going to pick up the pieces of my life and carry on; maybe you will too". You have to get out of your head that death is negative. Death is positive. I just hate being left behind. I would be very nervous facing eternity but I would still go through with it. If I could dive into a pool of infinity and execute a perfect dive, I'd do it. Then again I was too inept to do it when I really wanted to. Poisoned myself and felt really bad. Now I'm too pussy to try again. So I'm still here. Don't worry about me. Still here. Always will be. I will probably outlive you all knowing me. So worry about yourself before you worry about me.



This is what legal medication does to me:~

DOES ANYBODY KNOW THE FILM THE DEER HUNTER? This is the tune Cavatina, that makes such haunting music. I love that track. Although the film is supposed to e about PostTraumatic Stress Disorder and how it affects one character, eeen Robert DeNiro who pays hard" first and only Iie Ill see that and they were masquerading... see this is what medication does to you. Makes you forget.

Earlier on Tuesday I felt so low and depressed (physically exhausted as well as mentally "ill" I nearly went to bed. My phone kept ringing but I wouldnt answer it. heroin doesnt work. Now my mood has risen anyhow. Far more rapidly than heroin ever works. I spose Im a rapid cycler, in psychiatric termonology.
DEER HUNTER: CAVATINA

Antidepressants

I NEED ANTIDEPRESSANTS. But they don't work. They make me cuckoo (high). I have a great big crispy purple £20 note that could buy antidepressants in brown form. That one doesn't get me cuckoo. Crack and mirtazapine belong in the same category. Difference: mirtazapine (ironically) = more manic-depressive (I went DOWN on mirtazapine after going UP how crappy is that from something that's supposed to level you out?!) crack makes more paranoid. Extreme paranoia. I once thought people were climbing up the walls of the house and hid inside a home-made tent... the one you use once you're fed up of flashing at hidden cameras. That's nutnut for you. I never thougt I was a nutter despite all this. If I'd been a bit more naive I'd have blurted loads of this to psych staff years ago but I knew what paranoid/suicidal ideation meant. Knew what implied what and what they might eventually diagnose from what pattern. Because it's like joining dots. Akh I hate doctors. All I'm trying to do today is join dots of happiness. I have what they call a rapid cycle. That means I confuse myself because I don't know when Im up or down except when it's so extreme... I mean yesterday despite the nerves I was dunking biscuits while I shared at NA. All casual-like. (Manic-casual.) Not one person said anything except someone laughed knowingly. I'm not offended by THAT if I was I'd not have shared to start with. I didn't expect Absolution. Hey it would be funny if that person thought I was lying, would give me something to play up to. Sometimes I annoy myself by doing this; if somebody gets an idea of me that I don't agree with I'll show them the idea is true in the most ridiculous, eventually pantomimic way. When another person is there I never break eye contact with the first to shoot a look over. That gives you away. I do it like a professional actor, never once breaking stride, despite the ridiculousness. Usually I am pretending to be naive or stupid, my 2 favourite things I love to show people. I wear soft on the outside! Just like a tiger. All furry and cute. Nobody sees my teeth unless they rile me to it.

Did you know the lifetime "risk" of developing a substance disorder in type 1 bipolar (severe type) is 61% according to one study. I thought 50% sounded ridiculously small. I would estimate the true figure to be around 85 or 90%. 50% was supposed to be the number of bipolars who ever used drugs. Type 2 bipolar means mostly depressed with manic blips that never amount to full mania. I never got full mania until this year it's the only "up" I would recognize as illness because my head starts saying "power hour shower power shower" that's literally what I think and I say a mixture of things (incoherently, so I'm told that is with the topic jumping all over the place). I have every single diagnostic category among the 7 or so including reckless buying sprees (DVDs) I have so many they fill an armchair and they were bought mostly in 4 days. Great thing is EVERY SINGLE ONE is one I'd ring in the TV guide, so they're shit I WANT. Ben Hur I might not be in the mood for every day. Or Cleopatra. Or Dr Zhivago (a triple £5 pack) but they're there for when I do feel like watching lots of beautiful music and snow (Dr Zhivago) or Burton-Taylor (Cleopatra) or ancient stuff (Ben Hur). Shit no Gone with the Wind was the third in the treble pack, I hate that one but it came essentially free.

Does anyone care about any of this I can't think Up anything to say now so I'm going now.


Illustrated: famous people supposedly with bipolar. Vincent Van Gough is a maybe. Virginia Wolf definitely. Britney Spears absolutely no idea. Kurt Cobain: writing a song called lithium and then shooting yourself does not equal bipolar!

Plum Tree by Van Gogh, Japanese lettering even worse than mine

23:22 Schizoaffective Link. I still don't know what bloody disorder I'm meant to have or what the hell it actually is. [I got diagnosed schizoaffective.] I'm just NOT COMPLAINING that my main symptom is ELEVATED MOOD despite the fact that I had pretty full-blown melancholia this afternoon: exhaustion, Siberian low mood, suicidal thoughts, a feeling of intense guilt and wrongness and the idea that I would never ever feel any better about anything, by mid-evening I was fine by ten o'clock I felt a bit manic even..... PLUS I have "schizophrenia"..! Only fucking disease that made me cry just thinking I could have it and I fucking have it! No-one can ever say I was blowing things out of proportion again because I wasn't I was keeping something so fucking intense it was like a road drill through the head (psychotic mania) and keeping that like it was a little furry hammy in a nest, keeping that inside me head... ukk. How did all this happen?

SINEAD O'CONNOR: REBEL SONG
this is a traditional Irish ballad; despite the title it's more a lullabye than anything else