HEY I FOUND THAT PILL I THOUGHT I TOOK by accident. When I said I took 2 I must only have taken one. Which means I was just feeling ill yesterday. I feel ill today. I sleep for hours and hours and wake up wishing I was dead, hence the Switzerland Suicide Idea which I'm going to save for. can't let the idea of caving in cross my mind so I'm decided. I have always wanted to take a barbiturate overdose. I think the British government are bastards for not selling them over the counter in Death Packs. Who cares if people die? If they're a non-contributory member of society (ie on state benefits) they should get the pack free then Britain will be a better off country. Before y'all call me a nazi I mean I should get the fucking pack free. I don't care what anyone else does. They can do what the hell they like. They always do.
Well there is no news today and there will be no news. I won't get manic again. Those days are gone. I'm not psychotic that thing was a misdiagnosis, I'm just plain depressive. I was bipolar so technically I am bipolar that doesn't mean I will ever feel happy again.
I have a big bottle of methadone. If only they gave it out as neat powder it might have enough to knock me into next week but it's pathetic linctus I'm still knocking the whole lot back I have enough here for xxxxxx x xxxx but it's going down my neck all at once. I used to buy it on the street you see so I have surplus still.
I don't care what anyone thinks about my drug abuse I only abused drugs in the hope that I might OD and die that was the principal reason. Why do you think heroin appealed so much? Because I knew it was deadly. That's why cocaine was never much of a temptation. Anything that can induce coma and death was for me. I would never smuggle cocaine because cocaine overdose is too horrible. But heroin overdose is xxxxxxxx. I've done it. Like floating in a golden haze. I just can't handle the thought of being woken up again. When I want to die I want eternal death with no chance of redemption.
So there is no drug for me, except this methadone. I hope it manages to OD me. Miracles do happen. I deserve to die and I want to die. I never want to wake up again. ROLL ON SWITZERLAND. Best cure for melancholia: death.
If they do give me mood stabilizers you know what they do? Stop you feeling happy and leave you depressed, so they're a waste of time. I never bothered taking meds last night as I thought I'd taken too many the night before so I was evening out. Then I find this green pill, like an idiot. How come I felt so bad yesterday then on just one pill? Who knows what I did. I barely know the day now.
Well this is a bag of joy there is nothing to post. If I made up a load of shit about hearts and flowers it would just be lies to take it as it is, unvarnished.
How to contact Dignitas in Switzerland: assisted suicide blog
Dignitas website (deutsche Sprache)
Time for bed - I had written a post for today in my head and I don't think I have time to write it now. Which is strangely coincidental as my post was going to be about s...
10 hours ago