HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

I only took one pill, not two

HEY I FOUND THAT PILL I THOUGHT I TOOK by accident. When I said I took 2 I must only have taken one. Which means I was just feeling ill yesterday. I feel ill today. I sleep for hours and hours and wake up wishing I was dead, hence the Switzerland Suicide Idea which I'm going to save for. can't let the idea of caving in cross my mind so I'm decided. I have always wanted to take a barbiturate overdose. I think the British government are bastards for not selling them over the counter in Death Packs. Who cares if people die? If they're a non-contributory member of society (ie on state benefits) they should get the pack free then Britain will be a better off country. Before y'all call me a nazi I mean I should get the fucking pack free. I don't care what anyone else does. They can do what the hell they like. They always do.

Well there is no news today and there will be no news. I won't get manic again. Those days are gone. I'm not psychotic that thing was a misdiagnosis, I'm just plain depressive. I was bipolar so technically I am bipolar that doesn't mean I will ever feel happy again.

I have a big bottle of methadone. If only they gave it out as neat powder it might have enough to knock me into next week but it's pathetic linctus I'm still knocking the whole lot back I have enough here for xxxxxx x xxxx but it's going down my neck all at once. I used to buy it on the street you see so I have surplus still.

I don't care what anyone thinks about my drug abuse I only abused drugs in the hope that I might OD and die that was the principal reason. Why do you think heroin appealed so much? Because I knew it was deadly. That's why cocaine was never much of a temptation. Anything that can induce coma and death was for me. I would never smuggle cocaine because cocaine overdose is too horrible. But heroin overdose is xxxxxxxx. I've done it. Like floating in a golden haze. I just can't handle the thought of being woken up again. When I want to die I want eternal death with no chance of redemption.

So there is no drug for me, except this methadone. I hope it manages to OD me. Miracles do happen. I deserve to die and I want to die. I never want to wake up again. ROLL ON SWITZERLAND. Best cure for melancholia: death.

If they do give me mood stabilizers you know what they do? Stop you feeling happy and leave you depressed, so they're a waste of time. I never bothered taking meds last night as I thought I'd taken too many the night before so I was evening out. Then I find this green pill, like an idiot. How come I felt so bad yesterday then on just one pill? Who knows what I did. I barely know the day now.

Well this is a bag of joy there is nothing to post. If I made up a load of shit about hearts and flowers it would just be lies to take it as it is, unvarnished.


How to contact Dignitas in Switzerland: assisted suicide blog

Dignitas website (deutsche Sprache)

7 comments:

Bimbimbie said...

Don't know what to say Gleds other than keep talking to your Doctor and support people*!*

Anonymous said...

this too shall pass,you're in a chemical depression,it isn't you.i hope you get thru to the other side without killing your body cos i'm not sure you'll get much relief..you just won't have a body.but then that means the chemicals won't be floating round your brain depressing you,so maybe it's ok...?fuck i just went round in a circle there,sorry.i don't want you to give up,purely selfishly.i'll miss you.
and anyway you probably will have to do it all over again till you get it right,so why not just get thru it this time...?it will pass,like the weather.hang on in there.
annie x

Cloudia said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog. Glad to find yours, as I can relate.
I am a harm reductionist, a survivor, and glad to meet you!

sometimes a fish is just a decoration...


Aloha from Honolulu


Comfort Spiral

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jams o donnell said...

Hang in there Gledwood, it will get better, I'm sure of it

Gledwood said...

Thank y'all the chemistry is rising already to manic from depression. It does this every day, I wake up sluggish then get more and more hyped up, or at least more and more clear headed, as my antipsychotics wear off. Many thanks for taking time to comment. everybody. i really do appreciate it. I know I can be exasperating and childhish I just try not to but fail miserably every day.

Liz said...

What can I say, gleds? You can get through this. I believe in you. Hang on, lovely boy.

Gledwood said...

Diolch yn fawr iawn Elizabeth!

A "wŵff wŵff" i George!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood