HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, March 04, 2011

Tea and Sympathy

I MET SOMEONE I KNOW who also happens to be labelled schizoaffective. That is Pinxx. She bought me an alcoholic lemonade, but she drank tea. She said when she starts drinking she can't stop. Not like me. I can. I stopped drinking after 3. We smoked Sterling and Pall Mall cigarettes. She says she sees faces in the floor like I do. I see little furry animals everywhere, kind of like patterns you see in clouds. And no, not every second of every day. Occasionally. Even when it is happening it only happens a few times per day. I had an extra-lovely dose of methadone in the night so I was extra woozy in the morning. In fact I didn't get up until past 11am. I met X and Y my 2 friends who are sometimes helpful. I told them I had schiz-affective. I only tell people the full name who I think might understand it. They didn't. X said only 1 in 1000 people is bipolar. This is nonsense, it's one in 50. Or one in 100 each of type 1 and type 2. Schizoaffective is 1 in 200 so I'm rare!

What was I ranting on about yesterday "showing 2 fingers" to the methadone clinic?..? This is because I hate them having one up on me. At least I'm motivated to get off the green gloop. Most people seem to want to stay on it as long as possible. I don't. I just want to be OK and drop the crap as quick as I can.

So Pinky and I had tea. There isn't much else to tell. We talked about mental hospitals and drugs. The secretaries on the next table seemed to find our conversation fascinating but I didn't play up to that. I don't think P would have approved. She is still using heroin, which pisses me off. She's not a heroin addict and never has been fully addicted. She's done cold turkey 3 times but can't have been fully addicted. She would have gone crazy if she was. Remember the time I clearly met diagnostic criteria for bipolar first was when I detoxed cold turkey. I was manic-depressed (both). I've seen tired mania (no physical energy but the mind seething over) and that was me when I came off the heroin. Full mania means you're shining out energy like an electric fire. Others can warm themselves on your heat.

I used to be very in tune with psychic emanations when I was younger. Heroin gave me the luxury of psychic sleep. Now I'm wide awake again and that's why I got diagnosed nuts. Everything flooded back at full strength. You have to bear in mind I went "mentally ill" ON the stuff that blocks mental illness out, so without that stuff of course I need risperidone to be OK.

I'm back taking the meds once more. It's very boring, but I do it.

Cleopatra is playing on TV. What a luxury to have afternoon films in the evening thanks to shiny digital discs. I nearly had a flaming row (yes I was manic) in the shop when I bought it about my reasons for buying that film. In the end I just dropped it and stalked out, film in hand. Why should I explain the fact that Cleopatra is very good but very long and a challenge to the attention span. You need lots of hot tea and cigarettes to get through it. In years gone by I'd have needed heroin too, least I don't need that any more. I haven't taken heroin since the start of the week. What a waste of time that was. I don't even recall why I wanted it now. Now I've proven, yet again, that it's crap ~ I don't need it any more.

Anyway that's today. I'm off. Take care everyone. Be safe.

11 comments:

Jeannie said...

You've been all over the place lately. I hope you are able to settle into a state/states that are manageable for you, and interesting too.

Gledwood said...

I hope so too, thanks!

Danny said...

would be interested in knowing more about what you talk about 4 paragraphs from the bottom - "Full mania means you're shining out energy like an electric fire. Others can warm themselves on your heat...I used to be very in tune with psychic emanations when I was younger."

i used to have something similar as a child happen probably due to whatever mental disturbance afflicts me now (cos i know its there, just never had it diagnosed) where i would see auras, very briefly, and would get the definite impression, visually and instinctively of someone being in the room with me. these occurences persist in my 30's now but with far less regularity. however, while above i attributed this to mental disturbance, i am more oftan than not of the mindset that i am glimsping dimensions between this world and that and that for whatever reason i have an aptitude for discerning such paranormal feats...

...and now i think i'll go and take that personality test you posted the other day.

Danny said...

oh...and good to see you're getting tired of the smack. good on ye!

charminginsanity said...

I definitely think that most people with any form of manic-depressive illness try to self medicate to try to dull down the emotions in whichever way the can. These days I have to stay away from alcohol as I know within myself that one would lead to two and then twenty. It's great that you have the contol over alcohol!

I hope you manage to find another way to escape other than the heroin or anything damaging, you deserve good things in your life
xx

bugerlugs63 said...

just a quickie (no really!)
hamper girl loves that photo on last but one post of you. she kissed the screen and said "look at his furry fingers" she knows that is who im writing to ;-)
Im pleased to hear (along with a few other people ;-))that you're glad that those awful personality dis orders are out of
your life!! like you say; "as if"!?.
you are just schizzy, eccentric and spirited, which is exactly how u describe mr. pandable further down the page.
no coincidence that your photo is a hamster, that IS u.
do u shave your fingers?
I shave my big toe in the summer!
sure u wanted to know that!
anyway i gotta go sanding walls again and all the skirting board. I actually had loads more to say but i wont. I might have to start my own blog (yuk that word) dont really mind if it gets read or not, just once i start writing i cant stop. Thanks for telling me about comment on drought post i will look, i only went there once to announce the arrival of something good/bad in my area, but i will look,
ps .you dint rope me in any further than first line, as soon as read that, i knew there was no way u would share your MOST embarrasing secret with us, would u? i wouldn't!
I really must go. I will return
with bleeding fingers (from sanding)
hopefully will be too sore to comment.
I really hope u feel mighty fine today ;-)
with love
x

Gledwood said...

Danny: psychic powers of mania, I really had to think about this one...

oh yeah you just reminded me. now auras: I've never seen one. some people are really into it but Ive never seen one. I've seen imagery in a crystal ball (seriously) but never seen an aura.

What I have done is felt an aura. I walked past a bench with 2 people on it and suddenly felt overflowing peace and love and realized those 2 people WERE IN LOVE that I felt their energy

with mania you can pick it up it comes across, the only drug that does is MDMA you odn't necessarily feel "love" when not on the Ecstasy you do feel energy coming out of the person

I'm not sure it's all "psychic" but it's hard to say what it really is, maybe partially psychic, partiallly intuition or body language but I'm sure most people would feel those things

they might chalk them up as "weird" rather than "power" "energy" or "love" but I'm sure they would have felt what I felt even if they described it differently

psychiatrists don't have a good time with paranormal stuff, what I've read about it says psychic and psychotic are the same dimension, psychotic is disordered, psychic isn't disordered so maybe the drugs disordered me but I was psychic anyhow... I can't speak for you but does that make any sense?

Gledwood said...

Charming Insanity: they said the rate of self-medication is VERY high. It's interesting I was medicating before I "qualified" for any diagnosis other than depression but I could feel my moods swinging 10 and more years ago. I remember being asked to search psychological websites for a course I was on I found one that let you do a questionnaire like my personality disorders tests and I came out "cyclothymia" and "bipolar" "see your doctor at once" and that was just mild symptoms compared to now. See they were real just as I had real withdrawals from hardly any heroin (many many years ago) I tend to put stuff down as "oh it was nothing" when really it WAS something I'm glad to have a diagnosis now even if it's one I don't want it kind of explains a lot of stuff I just couldn't understand. I just dont like thinking of myself as "ill"... y'know. Even though I know I'm not exactly doing a grand job of coping with life I don't like the word ill I'd rather call myself lunatic than "ill" or insane or psycho. Not "ill"... know what I mean?

Gledwood said...

Buggerlugz: I love the furry fingers, imagine if I really did need to shave fingers..!

yeah I identified with the image of the hamster in a lot of ways. they like sleeping deeply, they don't like being disturbed, they keep their home their own and socialize on neutral ground, they are all fluffy and cute but they also get into rages and bite. But you will never get bitten if you treat them nice, so that is me and hamsters.

I don't really have a most embarrassing secret. I mean if it was that bad someone else would already know it, know what I mean... that was just to draw people in!

I post nearly everything anyway I just try and stay within what is moral and legal. What's morally OK is usually legally OK I just don't want some kid to read my blog and think I'm saying drugs are cool thats so much not what I'm saying. I'm just glad it's not cool these days for kids to use heroin. There were 3 waves of addiction: late 60s and early 70s; early 80s and mid to late 90s I was in the 3rd wave.

I hope your fingers are OK and that you're OK sorry it took me a while to reply I was bushed today!

Gledwood said...

Buggalugz: shit I forgot the biggest similarity with the hamster. did you know the name means "hoarder". i collect stuff too, all the time too!

Syd said...

I saw Cleopatra such a long time ago, I don't remember much of it. Burton and Taylor right. They were something else. A true case of not being able to live with or live without.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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