HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, March 07, 2011

I love a Pakistani

I HAVE SWITCHED OVER MY FAVOURITE FOOD from Chinese to Pakistani. I'm on chicken saag masala and pilau rice tonight and chicken tikka pilau now. Like I say I sept a long time in th night. I don't know why except that it's supposed to be wrong to do such a thing. So I'm hiding indoors. Michael Jackson is singing to me off a siver disc.

I know I shouldn't talk about suicidal ideation when I have it. I don't mean to upset anyone. I don't care whether I irritate anyone. If yoou want me to xxxx you I'll do that for you. I have a wound up feeling so I really should xxxxxx xxxxxxx. I know it's offensive to say that but I should. I can't believe I have to sensor mysef but I do I have to have to xxxx mysef. That's how I feel. Have to xxxx xxxxxx.

Yes I am not happy. I am deeply unhappy so I have ot be proactive not reactive. That means taking action preemptigvely not beinga pussy and caving in or doing what someone else wants.

I know a blog is supposed to be full of bullshit to make people read it but I don't know what bullshit to put in it. There are no bullshit and my hamsters are dead. I still have their bodeis there in Mother Hubbs's garden but I can dig them up for you/

O rea;;u ;ole Omdoam fppd tjat#s wjat O a eatomg tpdau/

[I'm sorry: no glasses and poor concentration let that through; it wasn't deliberate whackiness. My fingers were on the wrong home keys it means I reaally like Indian food that's what I am eating today]

Whatever else that's just bullshit.




Jeannie said...

You should bullshit if you want your blog to be entertainment and gain a lot of followers who wish to be entertained. If you blog to connect to people or to let them know what its like to be you then be honest and do whatever you choose. If people get upset or offended then they should read some other blog. I think you are being brave and transparent when you admit to wanting to kill yourself. I personally feel the same way sometimes. I don't think you really do want to kill yourself but definitely want your life to change as it isn't much fun. At least, that's how I really feel when I want to end it and since I don't see you performing other imminent suicidal behaviours, I don't sense you mean to do it right now anyway. You are venting. You are objecting to what your life is at this time. It's hard. And unfair. And you want help but the help out there doesn't satisfy your needs. It's insufficient cookie cutter help that doesn't look at the big picture or real problems. Yet you are fortunate to be in a country that offers any help at all, lacking though it is. Bear with them because they are only human and, believe it or not, all of them have problems too and are trying to find the answers.

Anonymous said...

i know how u feel,thoughts of suicide play out in my head too but i wud never ever hurt my family by actually doing it.it feels really bad at the moment,do you suppose the planets or the moon or cosmic forces play a part?i guess you are past caring.
you are very good at saying the right thing to other people,empathy and kindness,tea and sympathy.i personally would love some decent gear right now but ain't none about. i used to look at people and wonder how they could be happy or bothered when i was detoxing..things were really bad and anxiety ruled.its come back today,only i can't afford to indulge it so i took valium to stave off the insanity.
it helped a bit,love annie x

Gledwood said...


JEANNIE: YOU are right about not really wanting to die it's "ideation" rather than actions, definitely. But I find it really hard to deal with online as I know it upsets people. I don't mind so much "offending" people but I don't want to genuinely upset anybody I try really hard not to do that.

Thanks so much for your message it makes perfect sense you put it reallly well.

ANNIE: I took Valium too. It's better than taking heroin. It only becomes a huge problem if you take it daily esp. in high doses for years. I want to learn to cope without EVER taking drugs of any kind but I think it's going to be a long haul.

Someone once tod me that suicidal feelings can be symtoic. E.g. I cant cope without drugs so I'll kill myself. Sadly some people do do it literally so you have to take it seriously. I hate the whole issue of suicide I know it is heavy shit. I know 2 people who died last year through suicide and the mess it left behind. I wasn't ultra close but close enough to see the mess. Nasty. Hey we're both still alive and where there's life, as they say there IS STILL HOPE. Take it easy ;-)

Syd said...

You are not stupid. I was telling a friend the other day that you are very bright. Have a good day Gleds.

Anonymous said...

Been reading for ages, and just felt the time was right to say something. I used to feel so useless that I didn't care if I died, but would not take my own life cos it would hurt my kids. So I just kept putting one foot in front of the other every day, and I took control of one small thing every day like I took up walking, now I walk for miles every day. That's one small example, over two years I have finally taken control of my life, but it was only in small steps and my biggest change was being brutally honest with people instead of trying to tell them what they wanted to hear. So keep being honest, take small steps every day and you will eventually end up with the life you want, but it takes TIME! Thanks for your openness, your blog is like a window into your soul and that takes me away from my own thoughts for a short time every day. From NZFriend



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood