0307 Sanity. I'm lucky, I get a mood swing every day. Partially it's to do with my taking the antipsychotics at night so I'm dampened down by day and less dampened at night until I take the pill then whizz-bang. It doesn't put me to sleep but makes me sleep deeper and longer once I do get off.
I just found my £50 million Euromillions lottery ticket and I didn't win, not even the £1 million bonus prize.
I sleep a good ten hours minimum, sometimes past 12 hours. I don't like sleeping too long but apparently it's common amongst people on antipsychotic medication.
I feel way better than I did earlier. I was really depressed.
Somebody rang my doorbell 3 times earlier today but I thought it was someone persecuting me so I didn't answer. Nobody rings my who rings my doorbell gets answered unless they shout my name, phone or I know they're coming. Otherwise they're just a time-waster.
Deshane is coming tomorrow to check I'm doing OK. He is a mental health worker and my mental health is bad. My mood is cycling. Earlier I had suicidal ideation, now I feel vaguely excited, like I'm going into mild mania. This is just me. That's why they say I hae schizoaffective; my moods cycle quickly and I get "psychotic features". I couldn't handle depressive psychosis that is so horrible I won't even describe it to you, it is the worst most horrible type of mental illness going and really frightening just to think about. I'm lucky that my psychosis is "mood incongruent" so e.g. I heard a cockney flower girl saying "Aw darlin'! I've got some lovely roses down me stall. Come and 'ave a look at me roses babes..." really entertaining. Mood congruent hallucinations would tell me I was the dog's bollocks in mania and that I was shit in depression. I am finding out all I can about my illness as knowledge is power. But my shit attention span means I don't take too much in. I'm not sure I've even been correctly diagnosed. You can'treally tell whether you're psychotic so I can't know much about the schizo-bit in schozo-affective. I'm trying to be really grown up about it, but I feel like a small child and quite frightened by it all.
You have to understand this thing that happens to me gets ultra ultra powerful. If you imagine the noise of a road drill and the way it goes right through you, that's what acute mania does to me, it totally takes me over and goes through me with the intensity of a road drill and I'm floridly psychotic. What you read here is the toned down version because I cant post everything. If my shrinko read it I'd get sectioned.
I want to talk to my doctor about sectioning (that is involuntary commitment) because I do lose it sometimes. I want to make an agreement where I can go in voluntarily and agree to act as if sectioned (that is, I won't go outside without permission, I will stay in hospital etc etc etc but technically I will be a voluntary patient). This is a very real issue. If you think I'm going OTT remeember you haen't SEEN me going mad. I upset one friend so much he cried. It was horrible to see. There was me manic just being manic, feeling normal but a bit over-wrought and here is is CRYING over my behaviour. I was making whirring gargling noises like a car engine because my brain stopped thinking in English and turned into noise. I was going really psychotic that day.
Now I have some mania right now. We all know what anxiety feels like. Well imagine anxiety but really nice and when you move or click your fingers you get more excited and go with it. Music sounds lush in this state. It's like a drug. No specific drug I can think of but very similar to cocaine at the lower reaches and trippy E (ecstasy) at the higher levels. I literally see spirals everywhere when I'm tripping on mania.
Obviously I far prefer being manic to being depressed, but mania can get ultra ultra intense which makes Stephen Fry's flip comment about "bipolar being better than depression because you have the upside of mania" yeah MILD mania like type 2 bipolar he has. I'm type one my highs are higher than my lows ever were low and I go floridly psychotic in a way I don't go in depression and it gets so very intense I could have panicked on several occasions. Only strength of character prevented this.
You see this is what I'm trying to deal with but I don't know how to, except by taking meds as prescribed. Also heroin used to do a great deal to prevent my mood cycling. Seriously bad depression felt massively cushioned on heroin (bt never on methadone) and mania seemed to be blocked out. Looking back I can see manic symptoms I had over the years like racing thoughts, aggression and irritation and euphoria. i remember a few years ago I suddenly went from being all mousey and depressed to fantasizing about being Prime Minister (typical manic symptoms, you get ultra-ambitious) and I wanted to start my own HD 24-hour international news channel. I didn't think I was manic at the time, just normal. My normal self is highly ambitious and goal-oriented so it's impossible to tell the difference between mild mania and normality.
Now I feel this excitement coursing through me that I know is there because I had depression earlier. I feel like I'm doing something really exciting tomorrow and can't sleep for the sheer joy of this amazing stuff that's on my mind. Only I'm just seeing Deshane and the drug worker, which in my low state would stress me out big time. I get really stressed over little thigns. I neer thought of this as illness before but X and Y my friends say they've known I was ill for years. Everybody who knew me knew I was ill. Mother Hubbs said I was bipolar (how on earth did she know?) and everyone knew I was very thin skinned re stress. Not re people but re stress. Eg if I had an appointment it would really do my head in thinking about it. In the end I couldn't even score heroin it was too stressful and the dealer would keep phoning me asking where I was because I was late. I'm meant to phone him but the boot was on the other foot and I genuinely didn't care. O man I feel so excited! I'm going in the shower. My clothes are clean I feel so happy having clean clothes I want to be clean too. I love being squeaky clean.
0354 I'm outta the shower lovely and clean. I found a deodorant body spray on the street this evening named Tusk which is really nice so I'm covered in Tusk and feel really clean for a change. I used to so loathe being dirty thaat when we went to a 3-day rave d day's drive away in 1998 or 1999 the VERY first thing I did on returning, friends in tow was to sprint to my own shower and bathe and bathe and bathe luxuriating in the hot water.
I'm going to have to talk to my doctor as I think my pills are making me depressed. I haven't had one yet and I didn't have one last night as I thought I'd taken two (remember?) now I don't want one as I'm feeling excited again and I adore feelling manic. It's my mind and my life I know I "should" take the pill but I don't WANT to I love feeling that euphoria and it's NATURAL EUPHORIA nothing wrong with it. Why should I medicate it away? I have 2 cigarettes here that I want to smoke.
I disturb myself with my own behaviour. Earlier today I nearly described suicide as "lucisous". I make this point to say yeah I know I am mentally ill. How am I meant to "live with mental illness" it's like sharing a bed with a skeleton. Living with mental illness. I know there are far worse varieties (paranoid schizophrenia for one, depression-only schizoaffective for another, depressive psychosis particularly) see I know very well it could be worse but I have to look after myself like a child.
Sorry to go on this is a big issue I don't know how to deal with it. It's rubbish to believe that psychotic people don't know they're ill. Some have this luxury. I don't. I know that I am ill and I know the way I see things doesn't correspond with what you call reality. How do I deal with this? I know you can't answer that one. But I just don't know what to do.
I'm going to leave it there. Don't worry about me I'm on an upper not a downer but I feel very shiny and lucid so I can see how confused I sometimes get. It's like being trapped in a hall of mirrors; knowing you're in the hall of mirrors doesn't get you out of there, you still can't tell what way is out.
I don't even know how I'll be tomorrow. Deshane is coming round, as far as I know so I'm making a special effrt just for him. I need to borrow £20 of Paddadster or Valium Marilyn or Lynette. I'm lucky being a former heroin addict having 3 people who will lend me money. I lent Paddadadster £20 when he desperately needed it so he respects me for it. Bet I won't get that score though. That's Motherfucker's Law. Just when you need £20, it won't come. And I promise to spend it in Iceland on chicken saag and chicken dhansak with mushroom pilau rice, not on gear. Heroin I really don't need, not when I get a coke rush just from not taking meds. How much do people pay for coke? FAR too much!
I LOATHE DRUGS. Drugs stink. Let's leave it there. Me and drugs = DIVORCED. NEVER AGAIN.
A NICE, HEALTHY ATTITUDE. For once.
I thought my Incredible Journey Homeward Bound DVD seemed susipiciously NOT like the film I watched as a kid where the poor golden retriever got porkupine spikes in his boze, now I find out it's a grotty remake with human dialogue all over it. No wonder it's crap.
Anyway re mental health: comments please. I know you're not going through the same thing, I'd just appreciate any feedback.
You know what I find it weird that even my "depression" is counted as an "illness" I just didn't used to see it like that I saw it as me being miserable, not ill. I cant get my head round this "illness" thing. So I'm sick? I'm ill? I don't know. In a way I'd rather think I'm crazed and insane than "ill" and "diseased" mentally... know what I mean..??
0522 ~ O come on someone say something dont be scared. BUGGALUGZ where are you? BUGGALUGZ say something please LIZZYDRIPPING what's up? Come back!
Secret life of a manic-depressive
Getting into your car and thinking of gassing yourself is not a suicide attempt. That's coming near a suicide attempt. After a suicide attempt you wake up thinking you're dead. That's how you know it's a genuine attempt. Because you wake up thinking you're dead.
Stephen Fry has type 2 bipolar mild enough not to have to take meds. Lucky bastard
Open University: coping with depression
3 parts: includes diagnosis and drugs
Dr Kay Redfield Jamison (bipolar sufferer, head of a mood disorders clinic) talks about suicide. Half-hour interview
AWAY IN AMSTERDAM - Tomorrow I am going to Amsterdam to be the body guard of nearly 7 year old grandson Toby. It is about time that I leave home for a few days because I think...
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