I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.
I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.
My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.
This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.
If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.
PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...
PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!
Attack of the Furry Entertainers!
Monday, March 07, 2011
Ideas and/or Advice, Please!
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO SORT OUT MY BENEFITS STUFF TODAY. They paid me the grand total of £21 this week; I've no idea why. So now I know the correct number I have to ring back tomorrow when they're open. I also am meant to tell them I have schizoaffective disorder. I got a letter a while back that seemed irrelevant but it said underneath that any change in your medical condition must be notified. I don't think the name makes any difference but it might mean I get treated a bit different (if anything, better). They don't seem to quibble so much with severe mental illness whereas depression they subject you to a test to see how depressed you actually are. With this I don't see what test they can do, I just feel too confused a lot of the time to do a lot of basic things. Sad but true. I don't know how I'm going to rise above this one. Depression I fought against but mania you can't fight against it's too intense and also feels nice most of the time, so I don't know what to do. And the schizo-bit in schizo-affective just feels too weird for words so I don't know how to dea with it. Not very good I know but true. They might push me down a pit with people sword fighting like people on television now but I don't know how I'll survive. See I feel confused these thoughts come in my head and I push them out but I push out everything else too so I dont know what to keep in there. This is why I get ill, because I don't understand. I try. I do try. But I feel confused.
Does anybody out there know about schizoaffective disorder and what things I can do self-help wise? PLEASE. Anybody? If you can direct me to a good website or just a forum I'd be ever so grateful. I'm floundering about knowing I have "symptoms" of this "tripolar disorder" (because there are 3 things I get: mania, depression and schizophrenia) and knowing broadly which symptom and experience is flavoured with what, but I don't know what to DO. I want to know what to DO. And why I should do it? And what I might achieve... Please anybody who knows please answer. You don't need to be a fellow sufferer or an expert I'm just after ideas. Remember I have had depression for years and am glad I followed my inkling not to indulge in books that didn't mention Seasonal Affective (SAD) or bipolar. Because I've always thought my depression was partly psychological and partly biological. Even though I hadn't a clue I was schizoaffective until the dr told me so, I've followed the right path, where you accept your illness has a biological component. Purely herbal tea and counselling based stuff just ain't gonna cut it with my illness. I accept I need to take meds. I can feel when I haven't taken them, usually. Apart from Saturday night when I honestly forgot my pill (I'm on one pill now; 1x4mg risperidone rather than 2x2mg, which are too easy to get confused over) I wasn't messing about I really did forget to take it. And for once didn't get "a free coke binge" I just felt nothing bar a sluggish depression I've been in for days. Depression which now has a slight excited tinge in the background. I'm hoping this means a mood switch is occurring.
Yes I used HEROIN today but it did nothing. It was so weak. I wish I wouldn't do it. It doesn't take away "psychotic" things (which I don't really have today) and it doesn't dampen down my bad moods any more so I wish I'd get it THROUGH MY THICK HEAD THAT I'M WASTING MY TIME.
Im pissed off with NA because I shared even though it fucking hurt to do so I still shared something that is personal that I don't have to share and not one fucking person gave any response except the kind of response you get when they know you're using drugs still. I mean I told them I had bipolar mood swings and not one person could think of one faintly constructive thing to say about that.
I don't know what I was expecting. Certainly not "there there" type crap but something. I expected something and I don't think my expectations were unreasonable. Considering nearly ALL bipolar people use drugs which means there must be a lot of manic depression "in the rooms" as they say I expected more. So I was right when I realized NA was NOT for me. They cannot help me, they do not help me. Only seductive thing about NA is the attitude that taking medication is wrong, so I can "not use" my antipsychotics and have "a free coke binge" on them. That is a free manic episode, even a short one for a couple of days. But I'm trying to be grown up and responsible, I don't know why, but I am. Am trying.
I felt misunderstood by them when I took up going again and I still feel misunderstood and unappreciated.
Bear in mind I have been coming to NA for over 10 years, since I very first saw a problem developing, so I know NA, know their philosophy and their ways and feel let down, now that I genuinely want to be clean and serene I feel nobody has made any effort towards me, not genuine effort. All I get is "do a detox" (ie have a psychotic episode) and likeminded stuff in other words they're telling me to go crazy. I'm willing to go crazy as long as I can do it IN THEIR HOUSE. That will teach them to throw out platitude-ridden advice, when they see what happens when I "detox" and "go clean" as they believe clean is.
TIESTO/RALPH FRIDGE: PARADISE when i went mad that time my shower kept saying "paradise paradise" after this song!
I'm not getting too wound up by Narcotics Anonymous and I refuse to throw the baby out with the bathwater. But I'm only doing one meeting per week at the moment. You have to bear in mind I have bad memories of coming to NA having heard voices all the way there on the bus, then locking myself up in a dark room with them in a psychotic state only for them all to believe I was high on crack when I was "high" yes, but on nothing! Just like you I have only a certain tolerance for such bullshit and then I start feeling genuinely upset. You see I know the name of my disorder now and it's not a good one. Now I have to tell the Social Security this crap, which I don't want to, but they need to know. They do say any change in your condition should be notified to us so fuckit I'll notify them. What on earth they'll do with that information I hesitate to think. You see I had symptoms and knew I wasn't right. Then this doctor tells me in these same words "I think you have a mental illness". I have never thought of myself as "mentally ill" before. Depression is supposedly a mental illness but it didn't make me feel mentally ill. Only the crash from mania into depression has truly made me feel injured and ill. Very very sick and ill. The crash I had in December counts as one of five all time worsts. The fact that there are FIVE not one probably says a lot but I'm not dwelling on that one. Do you understand why I disengage rather than wallow? If I wallowed I would never get out of self pity and it would destroy me. I'd rather pretend nothing is wrong than wallow in the wrongness. I don't care if I'm doing the wrong thing; life is so very difficult I don't know what else to do.
TRANCE VISIONS: PARADISE (KOMAKINO REMIX)
Well I hope I've been grown-up enough today I don't feel grown up. I feel like the parent of a 3 year old child ~ as per usual ~ saying "DO THIS! DON'T DO THAT!" and the recalcitrant child barely listens..!
It would be good and helpful for you to join online Forums on the topics that interest you. Just google Forum + the specific words and you'll get plenty of them. Good Luck!
Thanks! I have looked at bipolar forums that were very helpful only problem was my symptoms seemed more severe than most of theirs... schizophrenia was really bizarre ~ forums about people having microchips put in their brains! ~ what I need is a schizoaffective one I got lost last time I looked I'll look again. Thanks again :-)
I'm currently in the loony bin (outpatient) and have had a lot of success with learning about DBT skills. DBT stands for "Dialectical Behavior Therapy" and you can read about it http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy.
I have no idea if the following is a good site: http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/ but just found it looking around the net for you.
I would check out DBT and see what you think. Google it and visit several sites. Talk with your doctor about it. I know you can also purchase a DBT skills workbook and get books about it from the library.
After getting out of the loony bin I plan to find a therapist that uses DBT in order to keep using the skills I've been learning so far.
I wish you well in your journey and think it's so wonderful you are seeking help versus "wallowing". Wallowing is so easy to do and you have a lot of courage.
Thanks for posting on my blog in the past. Your thoughts are always provoking and helpful.
Gleds, I don't see how taking heroin today is going to help with anything related to your mental disorder. I don't know enough about schizophrenia, but I did volunteer at a half-way house for those with mental illness back in the 1980's. The bipolar types were either very high or very low and the schizophrenics were pretty much sedated with heavy duty stuff. It was not a happy scene.
If you can quit the drugs that aren't prescribed for a month and then go to NA, perhaps you might feel differently.
Hello! You say you're only on one psychiatric drug? Wow! Doesn't sound like you're being treated effectively, especially where you're still having such strong symptoms. I think you need a good "cocktail", most bipolars take several medications to deal with the multitude of symptoms they have, so I can only imagine that you would need the same. I take 4, but have been on as many as 7 at one time (too many, by the way, my doctor would add one to the mix and not take one off).
You asked if I did any yoga, etc., for anxiety. No, I don't. It comes so fast and it is so extreme and desperate, I can't imagine that anything other than medication could alleviate it. When it is at its most extreme, it is unbearable. I don't think breathing exercises or going into a yoga pose would even phase it. That's why I've been prescribed anti anxiety medication - for my anxiety disorder. Just one more "label", ugh.
http://www.schizoaffective.org/ dunno what its like -maybe you could review it for me? chin up- cant chat i'm late for work you're doing great love and respect
Right, I have a few issues of my own at the moment but have spent a goodly couple of hours browsing on this. The one thing that emerges is that reducing medication during manic or depressive episodes or at times when the patient begins to feel 'normal' is counter productive and you often talk about reducing your medication. Gledwood, why are you asking amateurs for advice when you have professionals at your disposal. I've waxed lyrical about this via email but this was the best fact sheet I could find: http://www.mentalhealth.com/rx/p23-ps05.html#Head_1c
Trust those trying to help. You have a double edged sword in that you're an addict and you have a psychological disorder so it's going to be hard for your medics to decide whether it's drugs, withdrawal or psychosis. Do learn to trust a little.
I have no advice for you Gleds, all this is totally 'over my head'. I'm sad to hear you've taken heroin again but pleased that you are taking your medication, hopefully it will do it's job. I'm thinking of you. x
I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!
METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH
Heroin Shortage: News
If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.
Christiane F
"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools.
Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross...
Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way.CHRISTIANE F:
TRAILER
You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.
To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...
DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today? If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!
Drugs Videos
Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.
If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.
Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"
In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"
Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).
Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"
Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.
Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).
Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...
And lastly:
German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!
Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?
Here's the 4-methylmethcathinone molecule. This is the "cocaine plus ecstasy"-style "legal high" I took that time and didn't even know what it was... After a brief but intense craze for meow, it was eventually banned in the UK in April 2010
If you wanna see what manic looks like, watch this. If this is the mood she stayed in all day she'd be moderately manic (severely manic is literally all over the place verging into complete incoherence)... I have been known to yell the same stuff over and over, which is why I like this:
Ferry Corsten remix. William Orbit performance. Samuel Barber's Adagio
DJ Seduction: Starlight August 1992
I love this style of music and WHY do kidz today call it OLD SCHOOL? MAKE ME FEEL ANCIENT WHY DONCHA! I really like that ting-ting-tong tune that comes into it about 3 mins in "release the spirit" yeah....! Respect goin' out LizzyD Yeah ;-)
Angelina Joelie: Crazy Chic
Girl Interrupted: best scenes
Mozart's Requiem Tranced Up
I like danced-up tunes now that I'm "OLD". Like this one... The actual name of the tune is "lacrimosa" which means sad. Which is weird it actually sounds uplifting. but there ya go:~~~~~~~~
Click herefor the Drought Post, news is in the comments.
Because there's more than 200 comments, look closely at the bottom of the form for for "Newer/Newest" - THAT is where you click to find most recent comments.
PETITION THE GOVT FOR PROPER PRESCRIBING TO ADDICTS: CLICK HERE
HODGEPODGE NOVEMBER 14
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1. What's something you think is under appreciated. Explain.
*I would say some artists, some are real good but don't know the right
people.*
2. As win...
Magnets and marinas
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As Husband can't go to the gym at the moment we're trying to take daily
short flat walks. Today's took us along the Swansea foreshore and marina
developm...
A FAVOURITE FOOD FOR A FAVOURITE SAINT
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Our *estate di San Martino* (Saint Martin's summer) has been well and truly
over since Sunday and I sit here writing this on a cold, rainy afternoon. A
pro...
Blogging Break
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I'm taking a break from blogging, for two major reasons :a. I find it
hard to concentrate on chosen topics, while there's war and tragedy going
on in m...
Part 2 of "When you are So Mad!!!"
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No, Ive not been set free yet! LOL
I've thought so much about this topic of anger. I'm determined to not let
my life be consumed by my feelings of betr...
It Is Thanksgiving Week
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9 years ago on Thanksgiving morning I wrote a post about what does the
parent of addict have to be thankful about? It is the week of Thanksgiving
2023 a...
Nothing has changed …
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Well well well …..
No editing I’m 60. And nothing has changed. … nothing. Well yeah, the
boys have grown and flown. The girl has grown and is turni...
The Trauma of Beautiful Things Audio Recording
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*(Dedicated to long time reader & friend Soc Priapist... XxX)*
The Trauma of Beautiful Things
I feel it so profoundly that it comes through me as a sa...
Yeah
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No, I am not returning, just updating out of boredom. Plus writing on my
phone sucks, so it won't be a long post.
Yep my book sucks, makes close to no mon...
Dona Nobis Pacem
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Due to moving home I haven't had time to create a new Peace Globe this
year, but I didn't want to let the Peace movement down so I've used last
year's ef...
The end.
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Saturday, October 28th 2017.
Well, here I am editing my last blog post. It's been exactly 10 years since
I started. The main reason being that I emigrated ...
Too Bad Its Monday Humor + KATZ
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Sometimes Saintly Nick hasn't been feeling well recently. He spent most of
today at hospital having test run. As you know, he has cancer and the tests
ar...
Great article about addiction
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Drug use is common, drug addiction is rare. About one adult in three will
use an illegal drug in their lifetime and just under 3m people will do so
this ye...
Obat Herbal Stroke Berat dan Ringan
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*Obat Herbal Stroke* - Penyakit ini terjadi karena peredaran darah didalam
organ otak mengalami penyumbatan atau gangguan. Penyakit Stroke ini adalah
adany...
The People You Meet
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Not saying this is a come back of any type, but after farewelling my
darling friend Jeffrey today, I felt the overwhelming need to blog. Met a
weird Japan...
Despair and Dissolution
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I haven't written partly because I was confused by the new setup. Took me
ages just to get to my blog. Frustration.
Everyone can say "I told you so". Hate...
A long time coming....
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I cannot believe I have neglected this blog for so long.
Just to let you know I will be uploading a post in the next couple of days.
Things are good.
My hea...
Gone but never forgotten
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Hello everyone....
Saturday the 24th May would of been Merle's 80th birthday...
Unfortunately she is gone, but never forgotten...
I just thought I would ...
Everything in it's place
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Yum.That people are reading this in Israel and Indonesia, as well as so
many other places around the world that I never would've expected is pretty
fuckin...
How to Negotiate With Used Cars Dealers
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Car traders have excellent discussing abilities. They know how to deal with
their clients with their methods and methods to make sure that they shop.
Amazi...
starry starry night…
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Ho Ho Ho! Hope everyone had a merry fucking Christmas and will enjoy a
drunken orgy of pleasure on New Years Eve. I had a nice Christmas Day with
Melinda(a...
byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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.....I think the time has come to acknowledge that I'm not actually
blogging any more.....
PLUS
I'm off on Sunday for a Big Adventure Down Under, with L...
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Before we dive into another cracker from Paul Gallagher, I first must
congratulate Scott Rush for having his death penalty annulled and the
sentence been ...
Daze of Summer
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Her mentor is one of the most gentle people on the planet. He catches flies
in his hands and sets them free outside his studio, and he flicks
mosquitoes a...
Musings
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A week has passed since my last post and it's been a week of contrasts.
Right smack bang in the middle of week, Wednesday, was Australia Day, a
public holi...
Who buys CRACK without Brown ?
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See these F.cking dealers up here they cant get the brown sold cause its
shite so lots of people are just buying Whisky and im thinking to myself No
For Me...
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Would you trust someone who was never sure if they loved you?
I want to be held (or posses a large amount of drugs)
I want to be skinny and pretty
I want...
The Neighbour's Gun
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I remember those lazy summer nights. In my light, light dress, I would open
the window and gaze at the moon in the night. I would look and almost feel
th...
THIS is classic slice-of-life video; filmed from a sushibar conveyor belt in Japan. You don't need sound for this one (unless you speak Japanese...)
Never Mind The Balearics...
LOST WEEKENDS... Lost weeks... Lost lives...
THE SPANISH ISLE of Ibiza is the "spiritual home" of much British dance music...
Eva Cassidy: Autumn Leaves
I wonder if Autumn is as miserable your end as it is here..? This song wonderfully reinterpreted by Eva Cassidy (I think) brought tears to my eyes when I first heard it. See what you think ...
Christiane F
Christiane F
("Wir Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo")
Berlin has long been a centre of "alternative" living, attracting the artistic and dejected. And of course heroin rushes into such a void:
You can see the film in its entirety by clicking HERE.
These are my 3 roborovski hamsters!
(And now there is one...) Itchy, Bashful and Spherical... Itchy, the scruffy, dopey (and tamest one) died a few weeks ago. I was very ****** off (no swearing on this blog (or I'd be effing and blinding all the time...)). Spherical and Bashful were the remaining "Trotters" aka Hamsta MCs, Carrot Nose and Trotter Donkey ... until Trotterdonkey died and now poor Spherical Carrot Nose remains alone ...
What name should I give to my fictional slavering English mastiff hellhound..??
Name the Uncooth Doggie...
NOW I'M PUTTING UP A NEW POLL...My forthcoming fiction shall feature a giant, ill-tempered slavering hellhound of an English Mastiff who spends her time savaging pram wheels, dolls, etc; pulling soft toys apart... growling at houseguests, baying at the light fittings etc etc. She has a total personality change, however, when she gets "raped" down the park by a local rottweiler... leading to a howling, baying, snaggle-toothed litter of puppies!Anyway, which of these three names do you think fits best?(In alphabetical order)GwendolinaPansyTinkerbelle???Vote now ...!!
London Time
GMT (aka "Universal Standard Time"):
ahead of the Americas; behind everywhere else...
Trisch & Jen on the phone
Real life spooky phone call. Trisch Li is speaking to her friend Jen, who has a stalker sneaking round the side of her house. I Love the film exposure. I love the funky background. And I love Trisch. She had bipolar. She died. She left some amazing stuff behind ...You can see Trisch manic here.
Moby: Go
Anyone who was a Twin Peaks fan will know this tune: the in-sequence floaty tune played in-episode (not the theme tune) that made that tellyprog so dreamy.
This tune is something else:~~~~~~~
Future Sound of London: Papua New Guinea
THIS tune is transcendently beautiful.
Thank you to Lizzy who reminded me:~~~~~~~
The Orb: Little Fluffy Clouds (Danny Tengalia)
Archetypal triphead/herb-tokers' tune ...
Urban Shakedown: Some Justice
One of my all time favourite "hardcore" rave tunes. The "woman" singing "we live as one family" is actually a man speeded up. The primal line "Now eeeee-yeah-oh-eeeee-yeah we live as one family," sounded to me like the sun rising at psychedelic dawn. For a long time there was forever a part of me left from this 1991-1992 era, still out there, tripping in a certain corn-on-the-cob field at dawn...
Praga Khan: Injected with a Poison
Sums up what my attitude used to be and is once again to gear. That because, "There's a rainbow inside your mind ... Injected with a poison.... we don't need that any more."
Scott McKenzie: San Francisco
I really used to believe all this crap with all my heart. Peace and love and chemical dreams. If you've ever tripped out high upon higher and sublime upon sublime there is no way of bringing the beauty of the experience back with you... I once had a friend down who brought some cocaine. I did some lines and was soon stuck to the ceiling. I had tickets for a rave in south London. He was too wasted to go. So I had to negotiate an hour and a half nightbus ride all the way down. By Trafalgar Square I was eeing out on 2 pills as well and my eyes such massive discs I couldn't read the bus time tables and had to tell passers-by I'd "forgotten my reading glasses" (how embarrassing)... then I arrived around 3pm. DUR! Not pm (wasn't THAT late 3AM): though these pills didn't wear off till well after 11am which made them superstrong... anyhow... Security let me straight in I'd obviously taken all my drugs (indeed I had: felt like I was flying by this point)... first person I encountered was a middle-aged woman in a ball gown swaying back and forth in the foyer (Brixton Academy: a venue for 5000) I told her: "you are so cool". We subsequently made friends. Watching this video and seeing how stuck in the neverending moment of bliss some "flower kids" are I remember this lady having to tell me: "there's the party. Then the party's over. You have to accept that." But I never could. I wanted happiness to last for ever...
SCOTT MACKENZIE HAS GONE (copyright reasons)
HERE'S JOE BELTRAM 1990 ENERGY FLASH
Who is the superior writer? (From... in no particular order...)
Itchy's "Windy" Face
Not because she has the "farts" but because she "runs like the wind on a windy day" this is Itchy's look when she is nervous...
Bashful and Spherical look like this
(Itchy is a bit smaller)
Bashful's Lookie-Lykie
Hello you Tiny Tubby! Roborovskis are the tiniest of all hamsters, being a mere 5cm/2" fully grown... "Bashful" is pulling a bit of a grumpy face here; but hey!
Should my daily videos stay giant on the top or go mini on my sidebar? (You can only vote once.)
Doggie or Kittie?
You Are: 50% Dog, 50% Cat
You are a nice blend of cat and dog.
You're playful but not too needy. And you're friendly but careful.
And while you have your moody moments, you're too happy to stay upset for long.
38 year-old guy, 6 blogs (the main one is gledwood vol 2 so go there for new postings: blogs are linked via my sidebars), I also have 3 video blogs. One mainly music vids, the other random "novelty" clips from Youtube/etc. The third is my Fabulous Celebrity Blog for fans of trash culture. Unfortunately addicted to drugs - yes it was my own fault but what can I do about it now? Addicted means trapped & can't stop. That's how addicted I am. But that's not ALL I blog about. Apart from drugs I love drink. Apart from drink I'm into little furry animals like Pingpong, my Chinese hamster, and my 3 roborovski hamsters: Itchy, Bashful and Spherical... and ... er, food. Lately there has been a drought of the substance that enslaved me for so long. Will I clean up? Only time will tell...
Fun, comforting, and friendly.
You are a true classic, and while you're not super cutting edge, you're high quality.
People love your company - and have even been known to get addicted to you.
14 comments:
It would be good and helpful for you to join online Forums on the topics that interest you. Just google Forum + the specific words and you'll get plenty of them. Good Luck!
Thanks! I have looked at bipolar forums that were very helpful only problem was my symptoms seemed more severe than most of theirs... schizophrenia was really bizarre ~ forums about people having microchips put in their brains! ~ what I need is a schizoaffective one I got lost last time I looked I'll look again. Thanks again :-)
I'm currently in the loony bin (outpatient) and have had a lot of success with learning about DBT skills. DBT stands for "Dialectical Behavior Therapy" and you can read about it http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy.
I have no idea if the following is a good site: http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/ but just found it looking around the net for you.
I would check out DBT and see what you think. Google it and visit several sites. Talk with your doctor about it. I know you can also purchase a DBT skills workbook and get books about it from the library.
After getting out of the loony bin I plan to find a therapist that uses DBT in order to keep using the skills I've been learning so far.
I wish you well in your journey and think it's so wonderful you are seeking help versus "wallowing". Wallowing is so easy to do and you have a lot of courage.
Thanks for posting on my blog in the past. Your thoughts are always provoking and helpful.
Take care!
Gleds, I don't see how taking heroin today is going to help with anything related to your mental disorder. I don't know enough about schizophrenia, but I did volunteer at a half-way house for those with mental illness back in the 1980's. The bipolar types were either very high or very low and the schizophrenics were pretty much sedated with heavy duty stuff. It was not a happy scene.
If you can quit the drugs that aren't prescribed for a month and then go to NA, perhaps you might feel differently.
Hello! You say you're only on one psychiatric drug? Wow! Doesn't sound like you're being treated effectively, especially where you're still having such strong symptoms. I think you need a good "cocktail", most bipolars take several medications to deal with the multitude of symptoms they have, so I can only imagine that you would need the same. I take 4, but have been on as many as 7 at one time (too many, by the way, my doctor would add one to the mix and not take one off).
You asked if I did any yoga, etc., for anxiety. No, I don't. It comes so fast and it is so extreme and desperate, I can't imagine that anything other than medication could alleviate it. When it is at its most extreme, it is unbearable. I don't think breathing exercises or going into a yoga pose would even phase it. That's why I've been prescribed anti anxiety medication - for my anxiety disorder. Just one more "label", ugh.
http://www.schizoaffective.org/
dunno what its like -maybe you could review it for me?
chin up- cant chat i'm late for work
you're doing great
love and respect
Right, I have a few issues of my own at the moment but have spent a goodly couple of hours browsing on this. The one thing that emerges is that reducing medication during manic or depressive episodes or at times when the patient begins to feel 'normal' is counter productive and you often talk about reducing your medication. Gledwood, why are you asking amateurs for advice when you have professionals at your disposal. I've waxed lyrical about this via email but this was the best fact sheet I could find: http://www.mentalhealth.com/rx/p23-ps05.html#Head_1c
Trust those trying to help. You have a double edged sword in that you're an addict and you have a psychological disorder so it's going to be hard for your medics to decide whether it's drugs, withdrawal or psychosis. Do learn to trust a little.
Gleds, here is a good link about how not to relapse:
http://anon-recovery-archive.blogspot.com/2011/03/avioding-relapse-heres-some-stuff-that.html
She lives in London, I believe.
http://www.geometricvisions.com/schizoaffective-disorder/
I have no advice for you Gleds, all this is totally 'over my head'. I'm sad to hear you've taken heroin again but pleased that you are taking your medication, hopefully it will do it's job. I'm thinking of you. x
Gleds,
I don't know anything about this, but I hope you find some good helpful info somewhere.
Hang in there. You are loved.
SB
Many thanks for all the answers and especially the links they were really helpful and none was one I'd found myself so thanks very much xxxxxxx
There must be a support group out there somwhere for you?
Don't know if any of these wil be of any help to you..?
No worries about the NA thing, really, im totally with you on how judgmental and elitist they are!
Or this one looks quite good, specifically for schizoaffective 'disorder', and it looks like it's an online email list type group which sounds better eh...
What star sign are you ny the way? You don't need to answer that if you don't want to.. just interested!
I turned 31 yesterday! .. every year I swear I wont be using on my next birthday! :S
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