HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Chemical Depression is lifting

I GOT A REALLY COOL COMMENT JUST NOW reminding me that my depression is chemical. See my intuition was right in earlier life not to buy any depression help book that didn't mention bipolar. Not because I thought I was bipolar but because anything that would help bipolar would help me. And because bipolar is serious. So again, anything suitable for serious depression would be suitable for my milder (as I saw it0 depression. I think I was bang-on right to do this. More right, as it turns out, than I ever could have known. My index-checking has paid off because I still remember the gist of these self-help books even though I got chucked out and made homeless (and taken in by a kind lady named Lona) and I sold my books to a book stall ~ for heroin money. Every book I had was the sort of thing that bourgeois people like to buy and read. Everything from depression self help to the Beatles songbook with musical scores to John Grisham paperbacks. Bourgeois reading par excellence!

In depression there is a well known phenomenon called diurnal variation where the mood starts off at Stygian gloom from wakening and gradually rises as the day goes on. This is what has been happening to me. I oversleep ~ a good 12 hours per day ~ wake up very sluggish and "somnolent". My depression symptoms match bipolar depression to a T. I'm very pissed off with it all but because it's evening and my energy has rushed back I even feel a bit manic now. Whether Dr Shrinko would call this a mood switch or a mere "diurnal variation" I have no idea but it feels fantastic!

It seems strange thinking of my depression as chemical. I always thought it was my fault. The counsellors think I'm "too hard on myself" ... well I don' see why I should go easy.

To me "chemical depression" or biological depression means it's out of my control. Which feels like a luxury. Or it used to. I always assumed my depression was both psychological and biological and I'm probably right. Of course there's psychological fuel to this biological fire. Or vice-versa... Even anger, losing your temper, causes a biochemical imbalance...

So I'm trying to be grownup but not succeeding terribly well. That's why I asked for advice. My doctor is a consultant psychiatrist with HUGE demands on his time he really can't be at the end of a phone with my every neurotic question. I just thank God that I got 1 a consultant and 2 one who specializes in Dual diagnosis. I was VERY careful not to exaggerate and to keep all I said in perspective and I didn't even tell the very whackiest worst (eg seeing the Northern Lights in my living room) yet he somehow knew the level of "hallucinosis" was out of sync with the level of mania. Sometimes I got very very manic but a lot of the time I was hypomanic [mildly manic] and yet hallucinating. Of course this is Dr Nutternut's area of expertise and he recognized schizoaffective disorder when he saw it. I just feel very weird to be diagnosed Severely mentally Ill. What do I do: Lie in bed all day feeling sorry for myself? I don't know what to do?

Now I have to go it's late and I have to leave it here. I hope I'm making more sense. If there's some way I do not make sense or some basic error I keep making I wish you would just tell me. I need to know these things, so I can use them to my advantage.

Many thanks for listening. Take care y'all!


Illustrated: haloperidol (to which I'm allergic, but it's good for some people); mirtazapine (Remerol) and Lithium are all treatments for schizoaffective disorder. Many people are on all three. Antispychotic, mood stabilizer and antidepressant.

2 comments:

John said...

Hi Gledwood

Bounced into your blog for the first time today: we seem to be similar with depression and other mental illness concerns.

Hope I'll be able to keep coming back regularly.

John
Geek
Greenwich

Gledwood said...

Why do you call yourself a Geek?
Im coming to see your blog to see what it's like. Thanks very much for dropping by. I've been trawling mental health blogs in search of inspiration, is that how you found me? Via a comment at Seaneen's or someone else's?

Stay in touch please. My normal friends, bless 'em are sometimes stumped for something to say to my more bizarre whackiness. I do appreciate them very much but know my problems are very difficult for them to keep up with. Does that make any sense to you?

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood