HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, March 03, 2011

Medication Vacation/Drugs Empire

I'M GIVING MYSELF an unofficial medication vacation to see what happens when I stop taking these meds. I nearly had a panic attack yesterday. VERY nearly. So they're not working. And I was hearing "voices" in my head saying eg "annoying" as annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyingingingingininginging" like that it's a type of clanging where you get stuck in the syllables of a long word (or a short one). It feels really strange I don't know entirely whether it's schiz or manic being as I have the luuuuurrve child of manic depression and schizophrenia I can't believe I got TWO THINGS WRONG wonkybonkytiddles wong with me how ridiculous is that. If I have a panic attack tomorrow I can take the shit in the day I just really don't want to. I had Valium; took 1; lost 2. Money goes walkies all the time. My dr said not handling money well even off drugs is a schiz symptom and I REALLY mean I cannot handle it. I go on manic spending sprees or just lose it. Absolutely no idea where it goes. You wonder why I want [wanted: I'm fed up of this suicide talk; this will be the last of it] to commit suicide you're all taken in by my ability to keep a blog going you don't see what a mess I'm in. A really really bad mess. The council want to sling me out on the street but they can't (apparently) because I'm too nut nut. I don't care at all what happens I honestly don't it was easier on the street, ironically enough. Though it also brought on a severe episode of illness. Severe for the time. I remember riding the bus and everybody had crosses in their eyes. I saw visions in the walls and heard things, every day. Today somebody yelled my name repeatedly from a car but I ignored him. I hear voices like that all the time so I ignore them. How am I to know when they're true? So I'm living without meds now, had enough of them, I want to get manic. Least I KNOW I'm not frying my brains even though it feels really brainfrying at the peak. The peak I got to was, as I say, like a road drill going through my head on acid. Ultra intense. But this is a feeling of energy and euphoria. Very very hard and strong. That's why I like music with an aggressive edge in this state because I feel aggressive and powerful. And I don't have time for shit from nobody. In the severe state I would just lamp someone as soon as look at them. I'm not a violent person but if someone pushed my button they'd getta smacka da face-a before they could say "geronimo"..!

I'm not manic now. Just a bit hypomanic. That feels like anxiety but in a good way. It's like positive mental energy coursing through me like amphetamines. I read a quote from that idiot Stephen Fry, who is type 2 bipolar (ie the mild but miserable subtype with 37 times more depression than hypomania; I'm type 1 the full-blown type)... he opined on his QI show that only hardcore manic-depressives go on lithium. Hang on a sec he is lucky to have bipolar so slightly he doesn't even need meds. If you've seen that "secret life of a manic-depressive" he made he's by far the mildest case on there. His "hypomania" looks faked-up to me. Far too little speediness and far too much jolliness. He actually looks drunk more than manic. Mania is FAST, it amps out energy like an electric fire or a huge burning light bulb. You can feel the energy of a manic person, just as you can feel heat from a fire. His depression looks real enough, but the mania, in my view is strictly "for camera". And he hasn't a clue how intense mania can get. He says manic depressives are lucky because at least they have the ups of mania. How intense can mania get? EXTREMELY INTENSE. That's why I cried when I saw the deer in The Deer Hunter. The poor thing is FOAMING AT THE MOUTH. I thought what does that poor animal have to go through to get so wound up it is FOAMING? Whatever it felt was INTENSE. I just hope the bastard film-makers put it down quick. They had no qualms about animal cruelty when that film was made. Mania is INTENSE. And that's why I cried for that animal. Because we both know INTENSE.

I'm just glad what I had was intense mania not intense suffering. When I do go down I tend to think I'm in a spiritual wilderness rather than a true Depressive State. I spend hours staring into space. Last time the TV semi-conked-out and I didn't notice for 2 days. Somehow I collected methadone in this state but don't remember. They are used to me behaving strangely and are very sarcastic. I think they can fuck off. If they take the piss then I will ******* ** **** I am fed up of people taking the piss.

I'm coming off my methadone as quick as I can I am fed up of the clinic taking control of me they want to run my life. I feel sorry for the poor worker who probably thought he was taking on a normal case when he's taking on a grade A nut job. Did you know 25% of all people who are psychotic are schizoaffective. It's probably 50% schizophrenia and the rest bipolar. I found out my suicide risk is only 1 in 10. Bipolar is meant to be 1 in 5. Maybe it's because I get more free entertainment off my "illness" than a bipolar person would.

It means I get more funky bits, which they only get when ultra-manic, I get voices when just hypomanic or depressed. Depressed is harder to deal with because I disengage. Manic I thoroughly indulge in when alone. Pottering about. Outside I have to REALLY watch myself and button down. Even then I'm radiating manic energy like a psychiatric beacon. I remember the look on the police's face when I walked right up to them. I don't know whether I was meant to miss the OBVIOUS NUDGE-nudge but it was BLARING I only wanted directions to the main road.

I have to blog this for when I die I want my family to cash in £££ if I die they get more dollars because the crap I have written has a publicity value. It's my wish that any revenue from my intellectual property be split entre ma mere, mon pere et mes deux freres sorry there's a French film on it makes me think in French. I'm watching Un Prophet encore il s'agit dans un prison francais ou les prisoniers sont gangsters de la Corse et cetera ok i'm dropping the French now. I can't believe I recall that phrase "il s'agit" (it takes place) and that a director is called a metteur en scene. See I do know some French. It's just vraiement terrible; pardon: vraiment terrible ~ pas de l'"E" I love the double-clanger french quotation marks like this «O» or even funkier »O« ~ German styleee.

Now what was I babbling on about. That Frantic screen is playing but I hate the footage. Love the music but they all look like kids. Lollypops, dummies, no thanks. A dummy is a pacifier.

Hey they're taking heroin on telly. Got a real good gauwch on. Just as I'm getting a good rush on. I'm rushing nicely off my meds.... yummmmyummmmyummmm. why the FUCK should I take something to bring me down. I am just glad I don't have money. My Mum rang me today to find out what was wrong with me... I just blurted it out. She knows someone who is bipolar who lost everything thanks to a bad business investment when manic. Im so glad I don't have money to lose, then I really would kill myself.

Does anyone want to take part in a poppy farming scheme? I need 50,000 acres, Ideally in America or somewhere sunny. Does anyone live in the highlands of Iran, Turkey or Afghanistan who wants to come in with me to make H4? I want to be trained up as a full-on heroin chemist. I would love to work in an H4 lab with the Wa, the Burmese tribe who now control "China White"... ask Valerie. She says her Double UO Globe is doing terrific business. She is too off her tits on crack to write much these days...

Also would anyone be willing to smuggle me over 50,000 kilos of China White? Please do it in one shipment I want no fucking about. I'll be the crime boss, you can all get the scrapings off the lab floor.

Actually I might seriously go into heroin production that would be such FUN. A product I believe in..!!!!!! China white, babes.

By the way anyone who DARES ship out brown from my refinery will get Death by 1000 Cuts, no messing. I'm only gonna be known for high grade shit. My brand name will be White Tiger 999. I'll ship in 1.4 kg (double unit) blocks. Yummy big blocks of A grade white heroin! Anna Grace do you wanna come in with me as my American connexion. I want to supply Chicago, New York, Boston, Washington, Philadelphia, Los Angeles... fuckit I will flood America with my evil brands! UK watch out you don't know what is going to hit you. The shitty stuff will be called Trotterdonkey Brand, it will have a donkey with sombrero on the bales, in tacky turquoise ink. The shit stuff is coming to Britain as Brits will take any crap heroin wise. That's why they were on BROWN sugar for so long. Ukhhh.

Hey I have got a real adrenaline rush going here. I'm so full of schemes and plans for my New Drug Mafia. I will Rule the World in Narcotics. Once I take over Afghanistan and Colombia-Peru-Bolivia I'll have a monopoly on heroin and coke. I'll expand into ecstasy and designer shit as well as yucky cannabis. And I'll crank out crystal meth like nobody's business. The HUGE market for cryssie is in Europe. Those middle class parents won't know what's hit them as their kids become bug-eyed monsters picking at skin, painting walls, ripping up books, getting rid of ants and dirt that doesn't exist.

YES AND ALL THIS IS A FANTASY for anyone who takes me TOO FUCKING SERIOUSLY HONESTLY!

Right I'm off.

PS Drugs Empire ideas in comments. Quickly! Please.

Do mafia bosses say please? OK then fuck you!

And NO I AM NOT ON DRUGS I AM A MANIC DEPRESSIVE SCHIZOAFFECTIVE NUTCASE OK!?!

GET WELL SOON ANNA GRACE IF YOU'RE READING... Anna is probably in hospital with manic depression.

Illustrated: my mountainous China White Empire; gear to Aus; gear to Europe NOT ENOUGH COMES FROM BURMA in my humble view. I don't need it for myself but others do so I shall make multiple millions from their misery. (Someone has to.) I'm going to stick these maps on my walls full of map pins and post-it notes to make them look really important when the council come round and say "plan your drug smuggling operations elsewhere" and I'll say "I'm a heroin producer and importer not just a master smuggler"..!

0515 I should really go to sleep; but I'm too excited!

0641 Schizzoaffective quiz! See how you do. I got 20/24... oops

0739 I love these tests (personality disorders test)! I just found out I'm ~
paranoid: high
schizoid: high
schizotypal: very high
antisocial: low
borderline: moderate
histrionic: low
narcissistic: moderate
avoidant: high (I'm very avoidant, it's my new favourite word, it means you don't do anything that makes you feel SHIT)
dependent: moderate
obsessive-compulsive: moderate

eh I've found another one, a personaltiy disorders test. Im determined to get myself one. They're this season's hot psychiatric accessory. Especially in blue...
My results: paranoid 78%; schizoid 86%; schizotypal 90%; antisocial 46%; borderline 78%; histrionic 30%; narcissistic 42%; avoidant 42%; dependent 38%; obsessive-compulsive 66%... so I'm really schizotypal ie eccentric and don't give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of me! Big wow. Big revelation that one. How perceptive.


1749 come on take the 2nd test, with percentages and gimme your results in comments. all psychopathology will be treated in strictest confidence. many thanks.

7 comments:

Valerie said...

Hiya baby. How's it going cooee.

Now listen, motherfucker. You DARE mess in MY TRADE and I'll have more than your GUTS for garters ~ geddit?

Just a friendly warning :-)

Your loving angel

Val
xx

bugerlugs63 said...

hi
spect u probably asleep after all last night's excitement. You do make me laugh:-)
Yes Cavatina is a beautiful tune. when my bro was in prison (before the days of internet) he had an old classical guitar with him and i went everywhere to find him the guitar tab for Cavatina so he could learn to play it, and he did, good way of passing ten months.
I totally get the driving thing as well. my family really dont see why i cant do it, its not about co-ordination or lack of as I play the piano. but sometimes i look at people driving and think how do they do it? and pay attention to what everyone else on the road is doing!
dint imagne you had brothers, dont know why.
Anyway not wanting to sound pedantic, or know it all, or both
but "it takes place" or "happens" in . . . is "il se passe" or "ca se passe "
il s'agit de . . . is more likely to be found in instructions or recipe, as in; il s'agit de melanger . . . (roughly translates as; it is required that you mix . . or it is necessary to mix . .
not sure on literal translation
as i wasn't taught french, i learnt as i went along. Anyway I so dont want to sound all "ner ner ner ner" just thought u would want to know, and even if u dint, u do now ;-)
Reggy & Anchovy still cuddling, she was cleaning him while he was sleeping safto. thats love
ok cubs & pup to be fed gotta go
o yeah scored all low in quiz apart from the first 3 categories; schizoid, paranoid & schizotypal
they were high so thats good, brill ok
byeee ;-)

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Gleds,
I've always thought it must be awful to hear voices and have to try to distinguish what's real from what's not.

I, too, am terrible with money. I'm currently with a debt management program for the second time (credit card debt). I'd like to buy a house, but can't get a loan, even though I pay my rent on time or early. I've never missed or been late on a payment.

Hang in there. Life is hard.

Love,

SB

Gledwood said...

Val: and I love you too, Valerie!


Buggerlugz: you know the Spanish guitar I always think it sounds even more beautiful than the harp, and that's saying something. I'd love to learn to play...

Did you find that comment at the Drought Post asking you to get in touch with someone? They watned to be facebook friends or to email BECAUSE YOU'RE SO COOL :-) :-) ;-) :-)

O yeah I know exactly what you mean about the driving I just WOULD NOT WANT TO DO IT now, especially on the meds. Just too much coming at me at once. Ive just fucking had enough next time i go "intense" i'm going in hospital I regret not going in last time i'd probably still be in there today if i'd gone. I really just don't feel well, Ive had enough, know what I mean?

Thanks for the French tip could you please give me more if I put down my pigeon French? Nobody else would tell me stuff like that, basic stuff that wa all I wa asking. My German is terrible and yet I keep a blog in Geman.
Keep me updated on the hammies, please !!!!


SB: thanks. I don't notice I hear voices a lot of the time they blend into the background; its only when things like that happen ~ someone yelling out of a car and I'm ignoring it, that I think "wow"..! I had a shit day yesterday anyhow, it was just crap all round

Anonymous said...

nothing AT ALL wrong with good brown heroin, all this talk of white gear is nonsense, pin snobbery, go to new york where they get 0.05-0.1 of danced to fuck on white gear for $10, youll sing a song about good old afghani brown....

lizzydripping said...

hi gleds how are you?
its been a while.
heres my personality test results:

Paranoid: Moderate
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Low
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low

haha i knew i was avoidant and quite pleased i am schizotypal - the thing is we all have these traits in our personality thats what makes us us and different - stop this disorder shit!
love lizzy :)

Gledwood said...

ANON: Of course it's snobbery. Just sour grapes bc I wanna be pissed off at someone don't take it too seriously I'm 50% pissed off as I DO love China white 50% tongue in cheek

Are NYC deals really so shit? Nobody has been able to give me a point of comparison. I noticed the huge £20 lumps I used to get seemed enormous by American standards I mean you hear about people banging up 4 bags at once there... here nobody I know did more than a £10 except very rarely. Thanks for the comment.

LIZZY: you're schizotypal too. I took one of those when I was fairly well and still came out high on schizotypal.


The disorder shit is just parroting. Not my opinion. Probabm is if I say "nothing's wrong" I sound ill, if I don't I sound brainwashed... know what I mean. I don't believe personality traits make a disorder unless they really are high. My results will be skewed by "illness" anyhow y'know

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

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