I NEED ANTIDEPRESSANTS. But they don't work. They make me cuckoo (high). I have a great big crispy purple £20 note that could buy antidepressants in brown form. That one doesn't get me cuckoo. Crack and mirtazapine belong in the same category. Difference: mirtazapine (ironically) = more manic-depressive (I went DOWN on mirtazapine after going UP how crappy is that from something that's supposed to level you out?!) crack makes more paranoid. Extreme paranoia. I once thought people were climbing up the walls of the house and hid inside a home-made tent... the one you use once you're fed up of flashing at hidden cameras. That's nutnut for you. I never thougt I was a nutter despite all this. If I'd been a bit more naive I'd have blurted loads of this to psych staff years ago but I knew what paranoid/suicidal ideation meant. Knew what implied what and what they might eventually diagnose from what pattern. Because it's like joining dots. Akh I hate doctors. All I'm trying to do today is join dots of happiness. I have what they call a rapid cycle. That means I confuse myself because I don't know when Im up or down except when it's so extreme... I mean yesterday despite the nerves I was dunking biscuits while I shared at NA. All casual-like. (Manic-casual.) Not one person said anything except someone laughed knowingly. I'm not offended by THAT if I was I'd not have shared to start with. I didn't expect Absolution. Hey it would be funny if that person thought I was lying, would give me something to play up to. Sometimes I annoy myself by doing this; if somebody gets an idea of me that I don't agree with I'll show them the idea is true in the most ridiculous, eventually pantomimic way. When another person is there I never break eye contact with the first to shoot a look over. That gives you away. I do it like a professional actor, never once breaking stride, despite the ridiculousness. Usually I am pretending to be naive or stupid, my 2 favourite things I love to show people. I wear soft on the outside! Just like a tiger. All furry and cute. Nobody sees my teeth unless they rile me to it.
Did you know the lifetime "risk" of developing a substance disorder in type 1 bipolar (severe type) is 61% according to one study. I thought 50% sounded ridiculously small. I would estimate the true figure to be around 85 or 90%. 50% was supposed to be the number of bipolars who ever used drugs. Type 2 bipolar means mostly depressed with manic blips that never amount to full mania. I never got full mania until this year it's the only "up" I would recognize as illness because my head starts saying "power hour shower power shower" that's literally what I think and I say a mixture of things (incoherently, so I'm told that is with the topic jumping all over the place). I have every single diagnostic category among the 7 or so including reckless buying sprees (DVDs) I have so many they fill an armchair and they were bought mostly in 4 days. Great thing is EVERY SINGLE ONE is one I'd ring in the TV guide, so they're shit I WANT. Ben Hur I might not be in the mood for every day. Or Cleopatra. Or Dr Zhivago (a triple £5 pack) but they're there for when I do feel like watching lots of beautiful music and snow (Dr Zhivago) or Burton-Taylor (Cleopatra) or ancient stuff (Ben Hur). Shit no Gone with the Wind was the third in the treble pack, I hate that one but it came essentially free.
Does anyone care about any of this I can't think Up anything to say now so I'm going now.
Illustrated: famous people supposedly with bipolar. Vincent Van Gough is a maybe. Virginia Wolf definitely. Britney Spears absolutely no idea. Kurt Cobain: writing a song called lithium and then shooting yourself does not equal bipolar!
Plum Tree by Van Gogh, Japanese lettering even worse than mine
23:22 Schizoaffective Link. I still don't know what bloody disorder I'm meant to have or what the hell it actually is. [I got diagnosed schizoaffective.] I'm just NOT COMPLAINING that my main symptom is ELEVATED MOOD despite the fact that I had pretty full-blown melancholia this afternoon: exhaustion, Siberian low mood, suicidal thoughts, a feeling of intense guilt and wrongness and the idea that I would never ever feel any better about anything, by mid-evening I was fine by ten o'clock I felt a bit manic even..... PLUS I have "schizophrenia"..! Only fucking disease that made me cry just thinking I could have it and I fucking have it! No-one can ever say I was blowing things out of proportion again because I wasn't I was keeping something so fucking intense it was like a road drill through the head (psychotic mania) and keeping that like it was a little furry hammy in a nest, keeping that inside me head... ukk. How did all this happen?
SINEAD O'CONNOR: REBEL SONG
this is a traditional Irish ballad; despite the title it's more a lullabye than anything else
HODGEPODGE NOVEMBER 14
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1. What's something you think is under appreciated. Explain.
*I would say some artists, some are real good but don't know the right
people.*
2. As win...
11 hours ago
3 comments:
Ok so you've fallen off the wagon. That's what users do but I'm getting a bit cross about all this psycho talk. You live in a country where health care is free for Christ's sake. Take a look at this and see if there's someone near you who can help but don't be surprised if they think a Junkie is too hard to deal with, never mind the psychosis. It's good that you're talking at NA, probably not so good that you're turning up smacked up. I think you need to treat each condition separately. Herion addiction via NA and clinical support. Psychological disorders via another avenue. Anyway, have a click: http://www.cnwl.nhs.uk/nationalsupportgroups.html
hi
maybe u felt a bit sad etc yesterday from using on monday.
I know u think the H doesn't affect u but it will be doing something in your head. I do understand what it is to have good intentions one day (painting etc) then it feel like the last thing u wanna do the next day.
I did 9 hrs preparing walls for papering on saturday.
rested sunday cus ached like a bastard then planned to sand all wood work on monday.
had i remained in that "mood" i would have done it. but I felt yuk monday morning and cud not motivate myself to do anything other than day to day shit that has to be done. It pisses me off and i wonder y it is? and why i can't be consistent, but i can't and thats that. End of.(my mum and bro r so used to this, he will say i can help u do ceiling on fri pm, if u in the "mood". or mum will offer to drive me to asda when i in "mood" they just know its no use naming a day.Also when im like that i kid myself that a bag wud motivate me (O yeah, to what? sleep?)
Then i think well I not doing ote anyway so note to lose! yes mad i know. sorryas usual , to go on.
Also my kids know not to call me if i running a bath, cleaning my teeth or in kitchen (washing machine usually on)cus I got so fed up of hearing them
either asking me something, arguing, calling me, etc and i kept shouting WHAT? or SHUT UP! and they got pissed off shouting back" WE aint saying ote!" (voices in water) Not sure where any of this is going. I think it would help if u could accept thats who u r and have good days & bad days (i know thats easy said) not so easy done with your intellect and persistent searching for names, causes, "cures" etc.
I don't know, anyway you probably fine today and off to get paints.
(when i said will you put some (painting) on your blog)
I meant would u take a photo of your painting and donwnload/upload (whichever it is) it onto your blog?
Right, having said all that, what i actually came here to say is, I so excited I've found 2 people who want a couple of robos (each) so YEAY yippee!!Ican put Reginald and Anchovy back together and wait for some yummy furry babies.
And if there r five then i can keep one.
So I've made a "romantic" cage for them, yes i know the red lights r lost on them but the new "love nest" and pumpkin seeds had them cuddling up all yesterday afternoon! will keep you up dated.
Sure I had somut else to say but i will shut up for now. dreading copying this and seeing how long it is. (Shut it then!)
word verify is immill (me or you?)
take care, really hope u r good today
love
x
BAINO: i talk what i am; it's not like a panic attack where you wouldn't blog it while you had it this goes just as strong but it's fast so i'm blogging what happens if i didn't there would be no record of where i came from. now i'm here; then i'll be somewhere else so i need to remember now
my memory is shot to pieces
i get all the help i can. if it wasn't free i dont think id pay for meds i'd just use heroin instead so perhaps it's good i'm here. i mean in america you have to pay $15 a day to use a methadone clinic when you could do a $15 heroin bag in 2 goes!
sorry i can't think any further than this this is why i post where i am because i'm stuck in it i can't remember what i said that was so psycho? you mean the other day? i was spinning around man spinning! it feels really exhilarating i don't care whether it is called madness it feels fucking great far better than normality. problem is (other people say) you can spend literally millions in that state if you have it and it all turns to dust like an illusion and you wouldn't know what you've done. not good, is it!
ok I just looked. you mean the nutter talk here. that's just me googling shit i'm supposed to find out what i can. can't do self help otherwise. it's not negative even death is positive i posted that one up today. i think people get too hung up on the downside of stuff when everything's good
BUGGERLUGZ: hammy lovenest, i like that
"in the mood" you sound like you bipolar you know that. or cyclothymic which is bipolar lite as they like to say. but if you're depressed enough to be really down you're automatically bipolar ii which i realized 10 years ago about me and just HID IT from everyone, then i detoxed cold turkey and found out completely by accident i had met the criteria for "mixed bipolar episode" by being manic/depressed at the same time
if you're on antidepressants that are making your mood cycle you need to talk to a shrink about them. the shrink will want to know whether you cycle OFF the of just go down. if you just go down he/she would probably keep you don the antiDs and just give a mood stabilizer in addition. if you're ok off them they'd probably change it to a mood stabilizer
i wouldn't advise you mess around with meds on your own. seriously unadvisable i mean i went really up then badly badly down, i mean really bad, on mirtazapine and that's a licensed antidepressant so be CAREFUL PLEASE.
yeah if i can i will put the art up. it might give my paintings more value, y'never know!
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