HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, March 01, 2011


I NEED ANTIDEPRESSANTS. But they don't work. They make me cuckoo (high). I have a great big crispy purple £20 note that could buy antidepressants in brown form. That one doesn't get me cuckoo. Crack and mirtazapine belong in the same category. Difference: mirtazapine (ironically) = more manic-depressive (I went DOWN on mirtazapine after going UP how crappy is that from something that's supposed to level you out?!) crack makes more paranoid. Extreme paranoia. I once thought people were climbing up the walls of the house and hid inside a home-made tent... the one you use once you're fed up of flashing at hidden cameras. That's nutnut for you. I never thougt I was a nutter despite all this. If I'd been a bit more naive I'd have blurted loads of this to psych staff years ago but I knew what paranoid/suicidal ideation meant. Knew what implied what and what they might eventually diagnose from what pattern. Because it's like joining dots. Akh I hate doctors. All I'm trying to do today is join dots of happiness. I have what they call a rapid cycle. That means I confuse myself because I don't know when Im up or down except when it's so extreme... I mean yesterday despite the nerves I was dunking biscuits while I shared at NA. All casual-like. (Manic-casual.) Not one person said anything except someone laughed knowingly. I'm not offended by THAT if I was I'd not have shared to start with. I didn't expect Absolution. Hey it would be funny if that person thought I was lying, would give me something to play up to. Sometimes I annoy myself by doing this; if somebody gets an idea of me that I don't agree with I'll show them the idea is true in the most ridiculous, eventually pantomimic way. When another person is there I never break eye contact with the first to shoot a look over. That gives you away. I do it like a professional actor, never once breaking stride, despite the ridiculousness. Usually I am pretending to be naive or stupid, my 2 favourite things I love to show people. I wear soft on the outside! Just like a tiger. All furry and cute. Nobody sees my teeth unless they rile me to it.

Did you know the lifetime "risk" of developing a substance disorder in type 1 bipolar (severe type) is 61% according to one study. I thought 50% sounded ridiculously small. I would estimate the true figure to be around 85 or 90%. 50% was supposed to be the number of bipolars who ever used drugs. Type 2 bipolar means mostly depressed with manic blips that never amount to full mania. I never got full mania until this year it's the only "up" I would recognize as illness because my head starts saying "power hour shower power shower" that's literally what I think and I say a mixture of things (incoherently, so I'm told that is with the topic jumping all over the place). I have every single diagnostic category among the 7 or so including reckless buying sprees (DVDs) I have so many they fill an armchair and they were bought mostly in 4 days. Great thing is EVERY SINGLE ONE is one I'd ring in the TV guide, so they're shit I WANT. Ben Hur I might not be in the mood for every day. Or Cleopatra. Or Dr Zhivago (a triple £5 pack) but they're there for when I do feel like watching lots of beautiful music and snow (Dr Zhivago) or Burton-Taylor (Cleopatra) or ancient stuff (Ben Hur). Shit no Gone with the Wind was the third in the treble pack, I hate that one but it came essentially free.

Does anyone care about any of this I can't think Up anything to say now so I'm going now.

Illustrated: famous people supposedly with bipolar. Vincent Van Gough is a maybe. Virginia Wolf definitely. Britney Spears absolutely no idea. Kurt Cobain: writing a song called lithium and then shooting yourself does not equal bipolar!

Plum Tree by Van Gogh, Japanese lettering even worse than mine

23:22 Schizoaffective Link. I still don't know what bloody disorder I'm meant to have or what the hell it actually is. [I got diagnosed schizoaffective.] I'm just NOT COMPLAINING that my main symptom is ELEVATED MOOD despite the fact that I had pretty full-blown melancholia this afternoon: exhaustion, Siberian low mood, suicidal thoughts, a feeling of intense guilt and wrongness and the idea that I would never ever feel any better about anything, by mid-evening I was fine by ten o'clock I felt a bit manic even..... PLUS I have "schizophrenia"..! Only fucking disease that made me cry just thinking I could have it and I fucking have it! No-one can ever say I was blowing things out of proportion again because I wasn't I was keeping something so fucking intense it was like a road drill through the head (psychotic mania) and keeping that like it was a little furry hammy in a nest, keeping that inside me head... ukk. How did all this happen?

this is a traditional Irish ballad; despite the title it's more a lullabye than anything else


Baino said...

Ok so you've fallen off the wagon. That's what users do but I'm getting a bit cross about all this psycho talk. You live in a country where health care is free for Christ's sake. Take a look at this and see if there's someone near you who can help but don't be surprised if they think a Junkie is too hard to deal with, never mind the psychosis. It's good that you're talking at NA, probably not so good that you're turning up smacked up. I think you need to treat each condition separately. Herion addiction via NA and clinical support. Psychological disorders via another avenue. Anyway, have a click: http://www.cnwl.nhs.uk/nationalsupportgroups.html

bugerlugs63 said...

maybe u felt a bit sad etc yesterday from using on monday.
I know u think the H doesn't affect u but it will be doing something in your head. I do understand what it is to have good intentions one day (painting etc) then it feel like the last thing u wanna do the next day.
I did 9 hrs preparing walls for papering on saturday.
rested sunday cus ached like a bastard then planned to sand all wood work on monday.
had i remained in that "mood" i would have done it. but I felt yuk monday morning and cud not motivate myself to do anything other than day to day shit that has to be done. It pisses me off and i wonder y it is? and why i can't be consistent, but i can't and thats that. End of.(my mum and bro r so used to this, he will say i can help u do ceiling on fri pm, if u in the "mood". or mum will offer to drive me to asda when i in "mood" they just know its no use naming a day.Also when im like that i kid myself that a bag wud motivate me (O yeah, to what? sleep?)
Then i think well I not doing ote anyway so note to lose! yes mad i know. sorryas usual , to go on.
Also my kids know not to call me if i running a bath, cleaning my teeth or in kitchen (washing machine usually on)cus I got so fed up of hearing them
either asking me something, arguing, calling me, etc and i kept shouting WHAT? or SHUT UP! and they got pissed off shouting back" WE aint saying ote!" (voices in water) Not sure where any of this is going. I think it would help if u could accept thats who u r and have good days & bad days (i know thats easy said) not so easy done with your intellect and persistent searching for names, causes, "cures" etc.
I don't know, anyway you probably fine today and off to get paints.
(when i said will you put some (painting) on your blog)

I meant would u take a photo of your painting and donwnload/upload (whichever it is) it onto your blog?
Right, having said all that, what i actually came here to say is, I so excited I've found 2 people who want a couple of robos (each) so YEAY yippee!!Ican put Reginald and Anchovy back together and wait for some yummy furry babies.
And if there r five then i can keep one.
So I've made a "romantic" cage for them, yes i know the red lights r lost on them but the new "love nest" and pumpkin seeds had them cuddling up all yesterday afternoon! will keep you up dated.
Sure I had somut else to say but i will shut up for now. dreading copying this and seeing how long it is. (Shut it then!)
word verify is immill (me or you?)
take care, really hope u r good today

Gledwood said...

BAINO: i talk what i am; it's not like a panic attack where you wouldn't blog it while you had it this goes just as strong but it's fast so i'm blogging what happens if i didn't there would be no record of where i came from. now i'm here; then i'll be somewhere else so i need to remember now

my memory is shot to pieces

i get all the help i can. if it wasn't free i dont think id pay for meds i'd just use heroin instead so perhaps it's good i'm here. i mean in america you have to pay $15 a day to use a methadone clinic when you could do a $15 heroin bag in 2 goes!

sorry i can't think any further than this this is why i post where i am because i'm stuck in it i can't remember what i said that was so psycho? you mean the other day? i was spinning around man spinning! it feels really exhilarating i don't care whether it is called madness it feels fucking great far better than normality. problem is (other people say) you can spend literally millions in that state if you have it and it all turns to dust like an illusion and you wouldn't know what you've done. not good, is it!

ok I just looked. you mean the nutter talk here. that's just me googling shit i'm supposed to find out what i can. can't do self help otherwise. it's not negative even death is positive i posted that one up today. i think people get too hung up on the downside of stuff when everything's good

BUGGERLUGZ: hammy lovenest, i like that

"in the mood" you sound like you bipolar you know that. or cyclothymic which is bipolar lite as they like to say. but if you're depressed enough to be really down you're automatically bipolar ii which i realized 10 years ago about me and just HID IT from everyone, then i detoxed cold turkey and found out completely by accident i had met the criteria for "mixed bipolar episode" by being manic/depressed at the same time

if you're on antidepressants that are making your mood cycle you need to talk to a shrink about them. the shrink will want to know whether you cycle OFF the of just go down. if you just go down he/she would probably keep you don the antiDs and just give a mood stabilizer in addition. if you're ok off them they'd probably change it to a mood stabilizer

i wouldn't advise you mess around with meds on your own. seriously unadvisable i mean i went really up then badly badly down, i mean really bad, on mirtazapine and that's a licensed antidepressant so be CAREFUL PLEASE.

yeah if i can i will put the art up. it might give my paintings more value, y'never know!



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood