HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Crying in the Street

I WEPT OPENLY IN THE STREET TODAY... what's the world coming to?

I saw Lucky's "brother" (not by blood)/former lover/best friend (well as "best" a friend as many of us will ever have) she treated him just like a brother, moaning on and on about various shortcomings at various times but I'm sure she loved him.

I saw him coming from behind a pillar near the library. Ignoring the urge to dodge behind I faced up to him and told the truth I could not face going to a funeral with a vicar who never knew her and people I didn't know.

There was no vicar (one relief). What can you say? This is a woman who was sorely addicted to drugs since childhood (as she tells it). Made some dreadful mistakes in life, but never willfully hurt anybody...??

Still I could not bear the whole emotional vary-go-round of it all. And all this time up until today I had managed NOT TO CRY and then it happened. In full view in a public square. How typical.

The best friend/brother figure showed me a card of Lucky aged about 2 or 3 drest in ballet tutu looking very young and innocent. The sort of picture that makes you look at the child and think, "boy what does life do to people?"

And that is that.

KATIE MELUA ~ NINE MILLION BICYCLES IN BEIJING



MADONNA ~ YOU'LL SEE


15 comments:

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

There is absolutely nothing wrong with crying in the street over a dear friend lost. Last weekend I went over to a friend's place and we were all going through old photos of people that she had kept all these years. In the photos there were people who are now struggling with addiction and it shows in their older age. I was looking at the photos of all of us, so young and full of life. I just wanted to talk to the person they were then and let them know that the path they were about to go down leads to nowhere. Looking at the pictures and the smiles made a huge lump well up in my throat. I miss the people that they once were :(

Again sorry for your loss. Let the grieving process happen naturally.

Gledwood said...

I remember coming home once. I was extremely depressed. I think it was just after I'd tried to kill myself one Christmas... ended up going through baby photos of myself in family albums. Hmmm

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

Aw, Gledwood you are making me all sad....

This is why pictures are important, they can capture so much more than just an image.

Gledwood said...

I was so innocent then and thought it would be really good to live forever

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

That's not unfair. I think it would be cool if you lived too!

Akelamalu said...

There's nothing wrong with crying for a friend Gleds. It just means you're human honey. x

RUTH said...

Akelamalu's right...you're human and a caring human.
{{hugs}}
Rx

Baino said...

You know it takes a strong person to show their emotions. All sadly part of the grieving process Gleds. I don't cry enough and it makes me feel hard sometimes.

Lucinda said...

I think photos are the hardest thing to look at sometimes. I agree with that whole idea of "how do these children change and become who they are." I wonder it about my friends, and what they'll become.

It's good to cry, it's better than holding in all that emotion. I'm sorry Gleds, I wish there was something better I could say, but sorry for your loss. Crying shows you really cared, and it's far better to care.
= )

Keshi said...

Im not ashamed to cry...it takes more guts to be emotional than to stay like a rock.


*HUGZ*

Keshi.

Walker said...

Life on the street and hard core drugs makes you age before your time.
Add a spoonful of dispare too.

Crying in public for the loss of a friend is nothing to be ashamed of but to be respected for

Vincent said...

"what does life do to people?" it removes every single bit of innocence people have. Only non-human animals manage to keep their innocence.

It's OK that you cried mate. You're only human :-)

Nicole said...

I often look at kids and feel sorry for them knowing what's ahead.

Gledwood said...

Those are v good points. Thanks, Friends ...

(As far as I remember:...) do you know she is the first and only person I've ever cried over bc she's gone. I always think when somone's taking drugs like that what can be expected? And surely at the back of their mind the possibility of "that" happening's there... so

o I don't know!¬

Tea N. Crumpet said...

I cannot comfort you, but I am sending you hugs anyway!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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