HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Literature-trician

FINALLY THE OPENING OF MY NEW BOOK came to me! So I've written over 700 words! That's nearly 2 printed pages! And promptly had to rewrite it all! And have yet to finish doing it! But it's a start! So wahey!!

Even when I thought I'd lost a £10 note this morning, I glanced down at my writing (which begun on the back of a pizza box: how much more starving-in-a-garret romantic can you get in this late day and age?) and thought to myself truly, "That writing's worth far more than a tenner." Wow. That's a really difficult thing to think about one's own work, as any would-be writer should agree.

There is a real knack to prose narative that you have to get used to if you're going to write a lot of it, and I've been trying to slip back into that mode... Of course I've also spent a lot of time feeling sticky and stuck and cringeingly rereading knowing this has to change... Of course (unlike my blog) it all has to be succinct, yet vivid. And word perfect. Which it is not (yet). But it's a start.

Hey hamster news: I caught Pingpong the Chinese hammy running on his wheel tonight. For the first time ever. Honestly he is so retiring and has never shown any regard whatsoever for hammytoys of any type. Even once when I hooked his old wheel to the back of a chair 3ft in the air with nowhere to run except ever onward into hammywheel-land (must be an enticing prospect, because something keeps those little critters scurrying for hours at a time on their little exercise wheels...) anyway nowhere to go (fallbreaking quilt pillows strategically poised beneath in case in sheer desperation he should jump, which is just what Itchy would have done)... he just sat there looking desperate and very sad. And ran nowhere! So big improvement. Pingpong the Retiring Hamster has somehow got Less Retiring...

Video:
Kinks - Days
I love this tune and it seems to be everywhere at the moment...

15 comments:

Lucinda said...

That's awesome that you started writing. I don't think I could ever get that drive. What's it about? Or is it going to be a secret until it's done? ; )

Lucinda said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Deb said...

I can hardly wait to buy your book gleds.

That's a great song!

:)

Deb said...

Oh gleds!....I thought you'd be interested in this....

Ty & Fiona just went to the Oasis concert here last week...they said it was fantastic! I couldn't go ($$), but really wanted to. It's the second time they've seen them. It would've been so great to have been there for their cover of I Am The Walrus! They said Noel's acoustic performance of "Don't Look Back In Anger" was the highlight of the night. I'll dig up some clips and post them on my blog (since I don't seem to be using it much at the moment...long story...been sick, blah, blah, blah).

Puss-in-Boots said...

Congratulations on the start. Don't edit as you go, just write. There will be heaps of time for editing later and you can cut, chop and change whatever you like. For now, just get it down...I should take my own advice...sigh.

Fire Byrd said...

AS one author to another do what puss says. Just write and write. Cause if you keep making the first bit perfect it's a great way to prevaricate from doing the next bit. And how do you know when it if perfect, as when you write the next bit it may not be perfect anymore
I got stuck at chapter 6 cause had a love affair for a bit, but am determined to get on with it this autumn. I'm even daft enough to open a blog specially for it.... I must be mad!

Janice Seagraves said...

Hi,

Oh it sounds like you got a good start to your story. Keep it up and forget about editing it for now, the only thing you should be worrying about is writing it. Later you can edit to your hearts desire.

Janice~

Vincent said...

That bit about writing on the pizza box sounds pretty good for an opening :-)

Monogram Queen said...

Starving Garret - writing a novel on a pizza box - AWESOME!

Audrey said...

I love it " starving in the attic romantic " most great artists suffer for their passion Gleds....could be a good sign of success. Read an article today about paths, they say the path of the heart is the most important,doesnt mean that it will be any easier, we wont suffer just that its the right path if your following your hearts desire any other path leads to dissatisfaction..very philosophical..lol

Good to read about the hammys again. Lost my cat, so waited a while and got another kitten, nearly lost that one by poisioning it with flea drops, accidentaly put one on that was meant for dogs, highly toxic to cats. Poor little mite had to be taken in and sedated and put on drip..recovered now and quite manic..think its looking for revenge...lol

Love that song !!!

Keep writing you hear :~)

Anonymous said...

You dared me, so go check it out! It's bare bones at the moment so bare with me pawleese :)

Akelamalu said...

You started! Now get on and finish it! :)

Bimbimbie said...

starving-in-a-garret romantic and you can afford pizza? Sure you haven't been given an advance for your best seller*!*

Good for Pingpong ... maybe it had something to do with that recent world sports thingy;)

Ray Davies is brilliant isn't he - all his lyrics are timeless*!*

Gledwood said...

thanks for the messges everyone...

as I "implied" all got waylaid by nondrugs DESPAIRING the last few days!

novel theme/etc:~ sadly it HAS to be a secret... still researching the subject matter really

;-=...

Gledwood said...

dur that was meant to be a crooked, winking smiley facie:

;->...

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood