HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

The Crackhead on the Stairs

O NO! History is repeating itself... there's a crackhead sleeping (not piping as in the pic: that was the best crackhead picture I could find...) on the stairs. SHE (yes another she) hasn't washed in days and appears to have a bad case of "crack lung"... at night you hear her coughing outrageously. Nasty business...

I got totally freaked out the other night having conked out with the radio on doing phone-ins at full blast... I wake at 3:30 am in the dark and alone with a woman describing vividly the demonic voices that have plagued her head since the age of 15... she describes some weird childhood occult cult meetings she was frequently taken to... claims the voices are down to Voodoo, the implantation of a demon in the head by the adversary to gain advantage. And all throughout this shadowy conversation, which was about as heartwarming as a candle flickering inside a human skull on the Altar of Satan, some cracked-out weirdo is creaking this way and that back and forth along our hallway... UGH! A seriously unpleasant night!!

And so on to my hamsters... who are all as furry as ever and were pinging in a Roborovski Donkey Derby (TM) between gazing up at me adoringly before I left to come here...

Have a cheery day y'all..!

VIDEO: BARBRA STREISAND SINGS "EVERGREEN" in French!



VIDEO 2: DJ TIESTO ~ DJ AS GOD...



PS Next week, at long last, the tell-all expose on Madonna the world has been thus-far lacking. Written by her brother (the one who appears as Chief Consoler) in that Truth or Dare movie...

23 comments:

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds, your'e having an early start today ... hope you have had some breakfast. Oh no what is it about people and stairs with you lol.

That would have been like waking to find yourself in another nightmare ... the radio and the stair person.

Is it raining or sunny there today?

Bimbimbie said...

oh forgot ... Evergreen ... loved it, it was the first movie I went to see with my first wage packet *!*

Gledwood said...

I had a Mars Bar five minutes ago so I HAVE had breakfast thankyouverymuch!!

O yeah you're dead right about the radio and the stairs person that was horrible!

I wanted to find that film on DVD could not find it ANYWHERE..!

Bimbimbie said...

Ok I have no maternal instincts but my lips are pursing motherlike and I'm in-drawing my breath as I mutter Mars Bar isn't a breakfast. In between meals I can accept and often do lol ;)

That's surprising that the movie isn't available on DVD ... I'd like to see it again now you've reminded me*!*

Gledwood said...

I managed to see the Julie Garland version on video when I still had a library ticket and not bigger fines than the Angolan national debt...

hey a Mars bar might not be breakfast but it DID taste just like those legendary bars of the 1970s (dunno why!)

Hey can we have some more rainbow lorries and red parrots... or have they flown oop north to avoid tut winter...?

Bimbimbie said...

... will get you some Rainbow Lorries, your favourite King Parrot has gone flyabout somewhere sunnier but I'll trawl through the photos from Summer and get some coloured feathers up for you in my next post*!* Yawn, my day's over ... enjoy the rest of yours Gleds byeeeeeeeee*!*

Whitenoise said...

Yikes, hope you manage to get rid of her.

Monogram Queen said...

Wow you have Amy Winehouse living in your hall?

That demon thing is s-c-a-r-y!

Baino said...

Sorry mumsy moment for me too! Mars bars aren't a food group (although I know plenty who would disagree). She who haunts the stairs sounds a bit disturbing, I hope she isn't a permanent fixture! SNAP . . I'm a 3:30am rouser as well!

sofia said...

hi gled...i haven`t got much time latelly to write you something!
i hope you`re feeling better already, and more happy!
i`m tired and not very well but next week i go on vacation, so i hope i`ll be good as new very soon...
a huge hug my friend and stay strong!

Anonymous said...

WHAAAA my day is TERRIBLE! Hearing about yours makes me feel better Gledwood ;) *stealing your Mars Bar* Pffft to Mums!!

molson said...

Demonic crackheads sound scary. You might have to add her as a character in your forthcoming fiction novel with the slavering hellhound English Mastiff that chews the wheels off of prams scaring babies and grown men alike... or is it the crackhead that chews the wheels off of prams????

Puss-in-Boots said...

Oh dear, another crackhead...just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water!

Hope the NA is going well and glad the furries still love you...they should, you feed them!

Have a good week, Gleds.

Deb said...

geez, just what you need gleds...was hoping you'd get some peace and quiet.

I loved Evergreen too.

I often wake up in the night with the TV on and some of the late night programs really freak me out. I don't like that feeling at all.

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: I thought they'd gone on seed-migrations interstate... probably up Northern Territory... thanxx v much for the messages...

Whitenoise: she's gone. Last seen begging annoyingly outside Tesco's supermarket where SHE asked ME for a £5er!!!!

Monogram: Amy Winehouse..? If only! I'd get her to sing me a song + donate me a million dollars..!!

Baino: I reluctantly do agree re the Marsbars food groups "thang"... as for the craxxtable on the stairs, thankfully that critter's gone back to da room

(Can't STAND people who creak around communal parts of the house. Particularly spookily so at circa 3.30am when Voodoo phone-ins are on..!)

Gledwood said...

Sofia: have a great time. I try to stay strong always but only a "higher power" ie the power of God Almighty allows me to do this

Anon: I hope your day is better now...

Molson: I think it's going to be the Mastiff piping crack and the demon chewing wheels off the prams..(!!)

Puss-in-Boots: I am fed up of crackheads!

Debs: here here! Nighttime media can be pretty unnerving I agree with that too!

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Is there no treatment center for the crackhead on the stairs?

Anonymous said...

Your Mars Bar was very nice thankyou ;)

Baino said...

Hey Gleds, just thought I'd let you know. Sad news Olive Riley died this weekend aged 108! Now that's what I call a good innings bless her! I'm just sorry I only found her a couple of months ago. Just thought you'd like to know.

Crushed said...

Saw Tiesto at God's Kitchen years ago.

He dos good sets, certainly.

But It was when Judge Jules came, me getting tickets was a dead cert.

Gledwood said...

Nick: Craxtable's not been back for ages... I wonder if she's all right or in hospital or something...(?)

Baino: thanks so much for the message... I only got it today Monday 21.7.8, a bit late... but thanks v much for the thought. Well she definitely had a good innings did Olive!!!

Crushed:
Tiesto is after my time as I gave up clubbing in 2000 and have only been to about 3 or 4 parties in the entire time since then (and I used to go out literally EVERY week: it got so repetative that I started going out STRAIGHT just so I could feel fresh and unfrazzled next day and for some variety (weirdly I remember the straight nights as being just as much fun as the ones on E which surely says something about taking XTC as a semi-compulsory thing "because you won't have a good time unless you do it"... know what I mean?

I never went anywhere Judge J was playing... he was too starry for the likes of us. Our biggest DJ was called Phil Reynolds I reckon. Also Mark Sinclair thought he was God... Beamish and Oberon from Samsara

my favourite night was Return to the Source... I found a flyer randomly on the street when I happened to be in London for the day (b4 I lived there by a couple of years)... a picture of Buddha in red and blue and the logo advertising this clubnight and I remember thinking THIS I HAVE TO GO TO and when I did finally get there IT WAS AMAZING!!

(v tribal)

Wasn't Jules resident at that Gatecrasher night oop north in Leeds or somewhere?

All I remember of that (from the music press, not personal experience) was lots of 14-year old looking girlies with stickie stars over the eyebrows

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood