HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Neither Hide nor Hair

MY HOUSE HAS BEEN QUIET SINCE MONDAY when a man from the council came to "measure everybody's rooms"... he had ever such trouble getting into Immaturity's room; standing outside waggling keys in the lock etc etc...

... the house has been quiet and I am glad.

I keep finding Roman Catholic magazines on the street from some organization called The Two Patricks (or something like that)... all stuff to do with apparitions of the "Blessed Virgin" ("Mother of God")... I looked for apparitional videos on Youtube but found only disappointing shots of Virgin Mary dolls (supposedly a statue) opening its eyes... a cross-shaped light over an Armenian church... oh and a "film of a real demon"... but as soon as I saw the first shot, a guy in darkened woodland with a torch on his face I thought "no no no!" and disconnected. So I posted something far more REAL instead: a nuclear bombing. THAT is the real future!!

VIDEO: HIROSHIMA



MUSIC: Cygnus X: Orange
Here's one of my favourite tunes from olden times. Here in the original version with video



ORANGE: BEST MIX

There are gerzillions of versions of this out, but I think this is the best. You need to give it nearly a minute to get going, then it doesn't stop (made me feel like I'd been at the disco biscuits again...)

12 comments:

none said...

I've never seen the two pricks magazine. why would someone need to measure your rooms? Taxing per square foot?

Great Hiroshima Video!

Akelamalu said...

Are you sure that chap was from the council?

Anonymous said...

I hate it when people come into my home and size it up. Last winter we went through a sale and having people come in to the house, take pictures of your stuff is stressful. Did you not ask why they were measuring your room?

Baino said...

Mmm something very surreal about watching an atomic bomb go off with trance playing in the background . . .glad you're neighbours have 'disappeared'.

Anonymous said...

WHAHHAAAAA, you're spooking me out Gledwood! That Hiroshima video is HORRIFIC and no amount of healing orange can fix it.

Pleased it's quiet there!

Puss-in-Boots said...

I didn't watch the Hiroshima video, Gleds. Too horrific for me.

Now why on earth are your rooms being measured? To make sure they're the correct fit???

Glad it's quiet. Must make for a nice change...maybe Miss Immaturity has done a moonlight...here's hoping!

Look after you.

Monogram Queen said...

Maybe Miss Immaturity and the fat bloke will get booted out!

Zen Wizard said...

That was pretty good--but I like songs like THIS ONE, where you can appreciate the lung capacity of the singer and the way she remembers the lyrics and hits the note exactly on key.

Deb said...

Hi gleds...

I've just been catching up here...sounds like a bit of drama is happening. Geesh, will you ever just get some peace and quiet? What juvenile behavior...try and just not get too involved and laugh it off...some people just need attention, that's all.

Anyhow, my visits are few and far between (have had a lot of personal stuff going on).

Good to "see" you though. ;)

Deb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gledwood said...

Hammer: I saw the most nightmarish Hiroshima anniversary prog on TV a few years ago... spent a week obsessing about hypocentres, blast radius, fireballs etc etc the girl of whom nothing remained bar her carbonized rice and peas packed lunch and a squashed melted bicycle, the guy on the bank steps whose shadow was "photographed" onto the concrete etc etc. Nasty stuff...

Akelamalu: I think he was actually the landlord...

Eileen: didn't bother. I'm used to such intrusions... just offended that YET AGAIN somebody coming in when I wanted a fucking hit had it there heroin-coke. Just did it in my foot in the end nonetheless + had a pipe on the crack b4 they troubled me with their invasion. Bastards

Baino: I've found an absolutely beautiful hydrogen bomb vid on youtube... and it IS beautiful. Nuclear fusion is the sheer Power of God in action and it's amazing to behold the clouds melting out into rings around this giant lightbulb-shaped apparition in the sky...

Gledwood said...

Anon: you're right as I said above I was obsessing for days and days after this tellyprog I saw that featured a little girl burning to death screaming for her mother and her mother, also trapped in the rubble, could do nothing to save her

Puss-in-Boots: thanks for the comment: re rooms measured, Ive no idea!

Monogram: I haven't seem Miss Kindergarten of the year for over a week :thank GOD!!

ZenWizz: I like a good singer too

Debs: I hope things get better for you. I will come back in a sec I have 1 min left...

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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