HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, July 14, 2008

"Washing My Door For Me"

WHEN KINDERGARTEN KID returned after 11pm last night, she stomped upstairs to my door (I was in); she did not knock but I heard something clacking loudly against the woodwork, as if she'd petulantly smaked the door with a dogchain or keys or something. She hared off downstairs, I ventured outside in time to hear her entering her own room downstairs. An empty McDonald's style Coca Cola cup was lying outside my door and wetness at the bottom. She had chucked the remains at it and what I'd heard had been the ice-cubes.

So I stood the cup neatly at the top of the stairs last night. This evening, just before leaving, I brought it downstairs and put it neatly by her door. Unfortunately she was out. When I do get to speak to her next (and I'm not speaking to the boyfriend again. Do you know he was actually pressing up at me agressively in a way I've not been treated since my school days. And I left school over 18 years ago!)... If he ever does that again I shall say what I was tempted to gush before and say, "really, I do wish you'd stop rubbing up to me like that ~ people might get the wrong idea!"

And when I do get to speak to her (not that I'm going out of my way to have anything to do with a silly attitude-ridden little girl: as I say I had my fill of that ilk of behaviour at school and am not up for tolerating any more now that I'm approaching 40, living alone, keeping myself to myself and less interested in "The World" by the day...

... I'm going to tell her, "it was ever so sweet of you washing my door for me like that, but you don't need to do that on my account as we have a cleaner coming in once a week. And I thought you might like your cup back."

Thanks last night's wise remarks, people:

Baino said...
. . .shame you can't pick your neighbours . .

Too true!

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...
Well, it seems the adolescent “house mate” likes to play damsel in distress and whine to the would-be dragon slayers. And you got to be the dragon!

Am I really a "dragon"~? Ooer!!

S**t! I mean, I’m glad you didn’t accept the s**t and I believe you did the absolute best thing in confronting the would-be damsel directly rather than messing with her rescuer!

Great job! I applaud your handling of the situation.

Thank you, Nick!

Anonymous said...
Hhehee Nick has said it all! You handled it well Gledwood, best avoid the trio from now on.

BEWARE: do not bounce along gathering bluebirds. They will bite!

What is gathering bluebirds..??!?

Vincent said...
What a twat man. Someone's going to be ignored for a while I think.

Yes most definitely, Vince. I'm just flattered that I seem so important to these people!

Flipside said...
Good evening Gledwood!

Sometimes Saintly Nick makes some very valid points.

Your house-mate may just be attention-seeking!

Girls can be very sensitive :o) You were consciously avoiding your house-mate, but she left the door open for you. That was an indication that she was aware of you, and made a friendly gesture. You then "banged the door"? She may have seen this as an aggressive response, and been disappointed! Maybe she was expecting
a shout, "Thanks for leaving the door for me!"?

Does she fancy you?! (She effectively got close and spoke to you, and got you to speak to her (!) without incurring the wrath of her big fat "bodyguard"!)

The man may have been attempting to sus you out and establish "Pecking order".

You skilfully defused a potentially explosive situation by employing a biblical technique, (ie "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.")

PS Intrigued to know who I am ? - why? I'm also intrigued to know if it would make any difference to your response if I was a rock star, a waitress, or the heir apparent? ;->
In time you will know me.::::::::::

I don't think she does fancy me, as I've been pootling about in my German exchange student fluoro orange kagool, wearing my worst glasses and doing all I can to appear (drugswise) "straight"... and it works! Junkies in the street beg spare change off me, not realizing for a second I'm one of them! Oh the joy of sheep's clothing!!

Bimbimbie said...
Hi Gleds, I'm in agreement with Nick, you did the right thing speaking directly to the girl. Hopefully she's a quick learner and won't try that one with you again.

... would you believe the great seed trail brought two King Parrots around for breakfast just one day after my telling you I hadn't seen them for weeks. They must have heard your request ;)

I'm glad the parrots came back. I love those redbreasted "giant robin" style ones especially... like that one that used to follow you round the garden...

Akelamalu said...
Some folk can cause trouble in an empty house! I hope this wasn't a taste of things to come for you Gleds.

Hopefully not! If things deteriorate any further I'm keeping a timed/dated (+witnessed, if possible) antisocial behaviour daybook... if any of these little kids DARES touch me physically I'll have police on to them quicker than they can say "but he slammed the door in my face when I wasn't there!"

K.C. said...
Good for you, honestly, writing it out and getting it out. Can't change what others do.. only how you react to what others do. How you react will determine how the situation will evolve...

I didn't know you at all until a few days ago, and now I find myself thinking of you several times during my day and wishing you all the best... you will change lives.


I would like to think I could change lives when I'm clean... I've been thinking of that a lot. Of course I want to redeem myself and the only way of doing that is by reaching out to the "still-suffering addicts" and to the vulnerable kids. Maybe I could do something worthwhile... I certainly hope so!

Nicole said...
What stupidity. It's probably just mental illness of some sort, but still nothing you should be putting up with, you've got enough worries of your own.

Precisely! And I really do not have time for timewasters ANY MORE. As much as anything else, I'M TOO OLD for it!

Puss-in-Boots said...
Would you say that behaviour is drug related, or is she just an attention seeker? Good idea to keep clear of them, Gleds...idiots they are...what's with the black dude, is he their pimp??

Interesting you brought up the idea of "pimp", too. Someone else made that suggestion to me. If he IS, he's well at the amateur end of the spectrum.

I've met some pretty formidable people in my time: these lot are childish, amateur would-be's and all the more pettily irritating for that!!

Kahshe Cottager said...
How very annoying, but it sounds like you handled it very well. I wonder why people do things like that? It seems a waste of energy to me.

I'm not wasting my energy on THEM, that is for sure!

Welshcakes Limoncello said...
Oh, dear, Gleds .. there's just no fathoming some people! You take care.

No fathoming: yeah. I'm not going to waste my time fathoming the sewers of some 17 year old's insecurities. Far as I'm concerned she can go on being insecure, just not in MY face!

Megan said...
Wow. "Overwhelmingly ridiculous" is right.

Here, here!

Monogram Queen said...

Yes just avoid them if at all possible. I hate smart-ass whippersnappers

That's precisely my plan!

AS for the Proverb quote above: well said, Nick! "A soft answer turns away wrath!" That's always my first line of resistance...

OK folks, slightly unusual post here, I know, but I gotta go. Time's timing me out already.

Take care everyone!



Akelamalu said...

Troublesome neighbours are always a worry, you never know what they will do next. Keep your eyes and ears open Gleds and don't stand for any nonsense, in fact keep a diary of any/all of their nonsense.

Baino said...

Bloody hell! What do you call someone who has a fixation with doors! Too much time on their hands I think. I'd be avoiding confrontation then thats just me.

Anonymous said...

YUP, I repeat avoid the trio! They are out looking for trouble. Is there a Headmaster about you can dob to? Heehee, only kidding - I'm glad they aren't MY neighbours!

Hope you didn't torture your head too much over the "gathering bluebirds", I was referring to the Hubba Hubba song! *tweet*

Puss-in-Boots said...

Sounds like you've got yourself a right one there, Gleds. You're right, she is a silly little kid...obviously needs to learn a little more of life and grow up. I know, show her your post and all the answers...that would really get her going...(just kidding!).

Bimbimbie said...

I'd impose a five pound stair levy for all unauthorised traffic, double for littering ;)

Good luck Gleds, sounds like she might be one of those lasses that thrive on drama, especially if she considers herself the centre of the universe *!*

Vincent said...

Record the things that happen. When you have enough go talk to your landlord. I think it's wise to avoid her and don't give her any reason to let her friend rub up against you. Although it may be tempting to face her...

Monogram Queen said...

I love your response to her.
Her friend needs to mind personal space/boundaries. I don't care how big he is, "the bigger they are the harder they fall!"

Anonymous said...

Urgh. Teenagers with attitudes are the worst thing EVER. I was one once, I should know ;) Hope things work out.

Gledwood said...



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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood