HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Harrassed and Happy

I'M GETTING TROUBLE AGAIN from nasty neighbours but, as the song says (see below) "I don't wanna talk about it"... all I will say is that when I threatened to call police the poison person in question quickly fled!

One of very few vaguely interesting things I've read about drugs recently came from an Ecstasy Fact Sheet I picked up in the drugs agency. It was actually a good 4 or more sides of closely typed foolscap/A4...

"Are people still taking that?" I thought, and read on. Now some of the old hippie types at ecstasy.org-type websites would say that MDMA (ecstasy) is a "heart-opening substance)... it's basically an upper that, as well as making you feel excited (like you're at the best party that ever was, hearing the greatest music, etc.. etc...) it actually does, to recoin some 1960s-speak, make you feel full of "peace and love"... quite amazingly so, in fact.

One of my more curmudgeonly friends, who preferred nasty old speed, told me "but I don't want to sit in the corner of the rave feeling like Buddha" (exactly the effect I took it for!)

Anyway this new (to me) info told me that ecstasy does not elicit any feelings that are not inside you anyway...

... which is one of the most positive things I have ever read... meaning that I am full of the most amazingly transcendental joy it breaks the limits of description.

To put it another way, I suddenly realized something I suppose I've always secretly known all along: that you don't need drugs to feel "high"!

After reading this, I decided to contact this Inner Joy: and suddenly I did. It was a couple of weeks ago and I was trotting mundanely back from the chicken shop with my £1 special deal (+ piece + fries), and I thought about what I'd read and ~ wow! Amazing! I did get right directly in touch with this amazing joy inside me!

That is the happiest thing that's happened to me for a long time..!


Everything But The Girl: I Don't Wanna Talk About It

Everything But The Girl: Missing

This one got to number one time back in the late 80s (if I remember rightly...)

a v nice tune.

The group's name, btw, comes from their original ad in Melody Maker or the NME magazine "everything but the girl" (ie we have a group put together but we need a sweet singin' vocalist) and she does sing sweet...

This, however, is probably their greatest and most memorable hit:~

Everything But The Girl: Missing (club mix)

ps Bashful's name should really be バシフルさん Bashifuru-san (far as I know, that's the nearest Japanese equivalent...)

and here is the dictionary definition for "itchy":

かゆがってさん (that is Kayugatte-san)

Bashful would be 内気さん (Uchiki-san)

Spherical is 丸さん Maru-san

(the katakana readings given yesterday are phonetic transliterations (yes: Iichi-san, Bashifuru-san and Suherikuru-san are the nearest the Japanese can get in their own language to Itchy-Bashful-Spherical!

PS yesterday's title Frank was a pun I forgot to elucidate on the former British National Drugs Helpline "Talk to Frank" ~ clickonit to see...


Eileen said...

Your neighbours sound like ding dongs. Nobody ever Fs with me that way coz I would drop them and they can tell by the look on my face. I come from crazy Scottish lineage and it's the Glasgow kiss all the way for tools. (Not really, that wouldn't be too lady like). Ya want me to come over there a TCB WWF styles? ;)

WAT said...

you don't need drugs to feel "high"!

Why yes, certainly true. I like the marijuana though however from time to time. Gosh, sex, music, and food on that stuff is incredible! And I have never done anything beyond that, nor do I want to run the risk of starting an addiction.

sally in norfolk said...

try exercise Gledwood... thats what gives me my buzz why do you think iam always down the gym :-) its the only thing that stops me from going mad !!

Baino said...

Are we talking small breakthrough here! A natural high! Go you good Gleds. As for Ecstacy, very prevalent party drug here but is quickly being eclipsed by cocaine. (So my nephew tells me and he would know!)

Monogram Queen said...

How funny that they ran when you threatened them with the PoPo!
Good for you Gleds!

Anonymous said...

"I get high from life" was always my line at parties :) Those video clips are FUNNY! I once worked in a shop named 'Everything but the Girl" but had no idea it was named after the band. Quite a few mysteries have now been answered now ;)


Deb said...

I get some of my best "highs" from natural things...my surroundings when I'm at the river, exercise (as someone mentioned). You just need to learn to tap into those feelings again gleds.

Glad to hear you're recognizing that you don't necessarily need drugs to experience good feelings.


Nicole said...

Just checking in to say hello. I've had my hands full with work and am so tired in the evening that I just manage to post my blog and read what friends are up to and I often want to comment and then I just forget what I was going to write anyway. But I do read and keep up :)

Puss-in-Boots said...

Jeez, Gleds, your neighbours sound like real fruit loops...however, sounds like the threat of the coppers did the trick.

Seems to me like you're coming along nicely, Gleds, being able to get in touch with your inner self as you did, and without drugs...congratulations! You're on the way up, my friend.

Puss-in-Boots said...

BTW Gleds, I have a message from Liz. Apparently, somehow, you keep crashing her puta and that's why she hasn't commented. How did you do that???

Lucinda said...

Really? There's lots of joy beaming inside of me? Haha, I wonder where it's hiding... oh wait, I laughed, there it is.

BTW, thanks for commenting my blog, I didn't like realize that you had until just now, but I replied and stuff...! = )

Bimbimbie said...

Keep tapping into your newly found inner joy Gleds and add to it the knowledge that you have the power of the Police threat to keep the neighbour from causing you problems.
Smiles and hugs to you *!*

Cinn said...

Hi there old friend! It looks like you've had quite a bit going on. Glad you're doing well..

Janice said...

I'm sorry your still having problems, but at least the threat of the law made s/he take off.

I'm proud of you still doing rehab. Hang in there.


Gledwood said...

Eileen: crazy neighbours!

Wat: don't need drugs... but what a revelation that was to me (how sad!!)

Sally: xrcise sposedly boosts those opioid-endorphines...

Baino: don't they take a thing called "fantasy" as well ... I think it's what here was called GBH/GHB... seawater flavoured something to put partygoers on yet another planet...

Gledwood said...

Monogram: twas like waving a magic wand!!

Anon: I know how cool was that!

I still remember going out clubbing straight. Hardly any difference from going out on E...

xcept fresh as a daisy next morning...

Debs: I'm going to tap into all that stuff a little bit more (if I can)... why not permanently..??

Nicole: that's OK. I'm glad things r going well with you and massive congratulations on the job! Bet that felt it was never going to happen..!!

Gledwood said...

Pussinboots: on the way up... I certainly hope so! I'm inspired by the story of my next book. it is an historical novel with an EPIC THEME!

POOR LIZ I was wondering why I don't hear from her... and she SAID something went wrong with her computer viz my blog... I don't know what on earth why..(??!?...??)

Lucinda: well that's what the mdma leaflet said... I always assumed XTC made you feel high as it flushes loads of serotonin through the brain... just as speed and coke do an equivalent thing with dopamine and E just feels better as serotonin's a more luxurious neurotransmitter... (call me cynical, but!)

hey I'm just about to pop back round again... sorry about last time so typical 4 bloody mins left! that's my life 4u...

Bimbimbie: I know it seems like I've got in touch with my Higher Power in more ways than one..(!!)

Cinn: hey there long time no see! I'm trotting round yours like a tubby roborovski in two shakes of a stubby hammy's tag-tail...

Gledwood said...

Janice: sorry you got left off the end there I didn't realize you were the last comment... rehab: I don't know where precisely to GO yet though...

M- Filer said...

This is my recollection of X too, absolute love and kindness. I miss it. I hope I never touch it again, but i miss it just the same.

Gledwood said...

it used to be fantastic, I know

I don't know I ever want to touch it either

I prefer feeling "fresh as a daisy" 1st thing in the morning...

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood