HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, July 28, 2008

Robotrotter Sunday and the Smell of Freedom...

IT IS 7:30AM SUNDAY at precise time of writing. The world is dead, thanks to having been hijacked by sunworshipping Roman-Catholicized 4th Commandment-breakers who have purloined the title "Christian" and made a travesty of the Sabbath!

How I hate Sundays!

(Sorry, slight irritation moment there. I was angry because I was WIDE AWAKE and WANTED TO DO SOMETHING... and yet the dopey, closed-down world was stopping me... not even the shops (supermarkets and all) open till 11am on Sundays, thanks to antiquated trading laws...

Well I'm sure I shall have to wait well past 10:30 for any internet caff to open to type this in.

Actually I'm in a glowing good mood this morning {well it didn't show, did it!}... full of the world-conquering thoughts that used to drive me on, before all this switched to heroin-heroin-crack-drink-heroin...

I met a vulgarian crackhead at 6am in the Ornamental Gardens. Bellowing my name 6 times before I deigned to notice and turn round with a great false smile. He looked like he wanted to murder me (so rude!)... I had the misfortune to bump into him last night, when he pulled the same expression. I know him from the mental hospital, where he was confined as punishment for crack-induced paranoid psychosis.

Claiming he was "sick for B" (heroin) and did I know anyone? (No: not at 6am)... then he wanted me to come to the wider Kings Cross area (a heartland of vulgarity) where he'd split a £10-deal with me. No thanks. He smokes his on the end of a crackpipe which is a pitifully diluted way of taking the stuff (but safe though and litle chance of overdose, which I suppose is good and is why I have never tempted to induce him into taking it a more potent way... which is an act of sheer self-restraint, as his pushiness threatens to bring out the evil side in me every time we meet)...

The guy's pupils were tiny whereas when you're "clucking" your eyes dilate widely, like a raver's... I told him if he goes on like this he really will get a habit, but no-one ever listens...

I know I've barely been in touch with anyone and it's eating at me daily...

I bought a new toothpaste yesterday and my Trotterovskies were at first sniff in sheer terrour of the new minty-smelling corridor. Next thing I see is all three furries scampering full blast on the wheel as quick as they can possibly manage! They are running away from their beautiful new Household Feature as rapidly as nature will take them..! Scuttling in such confusion that Bashful (whos' now the smallest, hence the lightest one, hence most likely to be picked up and flashed round and round and round along the wheel, and, after much Roborovski-squealing and honking to establish the fact,unfortunately for her, Bottom Peck under the Ruthless Pingy Baby Itchy. Big Momma Suherikuru-san is Top Dog as ever, though naughty old Itchy had the cheek to try even this one on. Boy! And I can tell you the robohonkings from this one in the Itchy Challenges: The Battle of the Spherical Supremacy were quite some honkings to behold.

I tell you what: Someone else in possession of the same three Furries might have kept these pets as long as I have, laughed and cried the same as I have and yet never realized quite how socialized these little trotters actually are ~ they even greet with a European-style kiss on both cheeks ("pink nose to pink nose") ... their hierarchical social structure is quite something...

DUR! Does that paragraph make any sense at all? OK I'll put it another way, if I hadn't been given a wildlife documentary lesson in animal society from Meerkat Manor I wouldn't realize how critters of the same species inevitably have a hierarchy. Now that I see it with my roborovski hamsters let me tell you it is fascinating, big time, to watch...

Anyway: back to today and Three Balls of Fur are a-rambling the wheel. Really, I ought to go purchase a second McMambler for 'em all, but our local petstore ~ believe this or not ~ sells ONLY those wheels that clip to the sides of a barred cage and no freestanding ones at all. There's a posh ballbearing ultra-smoothie £9.99 model that I really want for them...

... and all I'll say now is:

It comes to me in aromas, but visions of my future have it me Time and Time Again. I see it, I feel it.

I smell freedom!



VIDEO:

CHRISTIAN THE LION

Wow... amazing. I've never seen anything quite like this.

Keep watching, it does launch into some of the most amazing film I have ever seen...


Thanks for this to Laurie of the Los Angeles Pimps and Prostitutes Mission...


17 comments:

Baino said...

My you have the chirrups today good on you. You're robo descriptions are hilarious and I didn't realise they 'honked'. I actually have a freestanding wheel somewhere from when we had a mouse house. As for shops not opening until 11am! Goodness and I thought we were backwards for opening at 9 on Sundays! (internet cafes are usually open 24/7). Have a good one Gleds!

Gledwood said...

oh no innetcaffs do NOT open 24 hours here: if only they did! I'd have life at 5am and I so desperately need that!

oh yes robbies "honk" but only when fractious or actually fighting!

they kind of seem to have about 5 voices going at once, a bit like early Kylie records (you know when she was put in wasp-in-a-jamjar chamber thingie that I don't think flattered her voice at all and made her sound like she couldn't sing even more (or less, 'pending how you look at it...) than she could or couldn't...

yeah, robovoices are far richer than mouse voices. mice have a really thin highpitched squeak, robbies are lower in pitch and far more sonorous (as teenyweeny rodents the length of your thumb can go...)

Gledwood said...

o a mousehouse, how cute!

i used to have a little mousery, but only one mouse lived in there.

he was called Mouseable and was a proper little Tube Mouse: that is one in natural Mouse Brown... I rescued him from out of a container full of dopey white mice... there they were all in a heep, with this Proper Coloured mouse crawling on top of them... that was Mouseable. I took him home and he was my pet for over 2 years...

;->...

Bimbimbie said...

Sunday was always my least favourite day of the week when I lived there, seemed to be more then 60 minutes to each hour. I'm surprised that internet cafes don't open earlier, especially in London. I'm an early riser it would drive me mental having to sit and wait for everyone to wake up and get the day on the go.

The freedom lion video has been getting quite a bit of coverage on the tv ... it's wonderful viewing, teary and uplifting ... keep seeing, smelling and feeling freedom Gleds.

Bimbimbie said...

... the euro kissing greetings of the
Furries had me grinning. Smiles *!*

Lucinda said...

I like sundays, mostly because everything is usually quiet. No one seems to ever be up that early in my house so I get to be left alone. I think that internet cafes here usually opened 24/7.

I used to have hamsters when I was younger. We bought one, named Mocha, and a week later we had 8 more (haha, she was preggers). I think they were teddy-bear hamsters. That free-standing wheel sounds classy! = )

TT said...

I see things haven't changed much from the Kings Cross stations I had used about 5 years ago. lol Though my favourite place there was the train station, not the tubes - ya know American tourist sees where Harry Potter 13 1/2 is. :)

Anonymous said...

I CRIED WATCHING THE VIDEO and now can't see the screen. Your robbos "Greet with a European-style kiss" SWEET! Tsup*!* Tsup*!* Gledwood and keep smiling :)

Puss-in-Boots said...

Ahh, a bright eyed and bushy tailed Gledwood. Good to see, Gleds. I hope it continues for you.

As for your little furry ones, they sound most entertaining and they must keep the blues away to a certain extent??

Keep away from dodgy crack heads.

Deb said...

My kids just showed me that Christian video a few weeks ago...I actually cried! So beautiful - animals "know" - people they can trust.

Sorry I haven't been around much. No real reason...been a bit bipolar lately - from high highs to really low lows (where I'm missing Mom). When I'm like that, I sneak away for awhile.

But I missed you!

Nicole said...

Not remember them, my ass! Anyone who has ever had an animal knows that they will remember them for life! That video made me cry because I could never have let the lion go just like that. I would have moved to Africa just to be there with him.

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: internet caffs aren't that brilliant here... + I think some are put off opening too late due to the roughness of some of the areas...

as for not opening early that's just part of the general laxness of all things British nowadays..!!

Lucinda: teddybear hamster, I like that. I used to have a hammy called Pandable bc the great poppy eyes did remind me of a panda's...

TT: o no Kings Cross never changes. the stuff just moves up and down the road to Euston and then the other way and so on over time...

I only know this info 2nd hand btw as I never ever hang out in places like that I can't stand them

Anon: I'm glad that happiness and entertainment was brought your way!!

Gledwood said...

Pussinboots: o yeah those trotterovskis are probably the only thing that's kept me sane!!!

Debs: I had never seen a "wild" animal like a lion act quite that way towards human beings... I thought they were supposed to be totally untrustworthy after introduction to the wild...

I hope things get better for you soon

Nicole: I understand where you're coming from...

as for forgetting people, the hamster books/websites would have me believe Itchy has totally forgotten me if I fail to handle her for over a week

what rot! she still hates me no matter how long I leave it !!!

Gledwood said...

(joke)

Laurie said...

Hey Gledwood!

Great hearing from you as always! Since you said you aren't good at checking emails - I decided to write to you as a comment.

I LOVE the video of Christian the Lion!!! I cried when I saw that!!!

Excerpt from my book... Memoirs of a Junkie:

Below are two paragraphs in my book - I have about 300 pages now and I probably still have another 100 or so - the editor I spoke with said that it's easier to work with too much than not enough, so... hope this doesn't gross you out too much.

God is so good, He is helping me to get this written faster than I would have expected and I trust that He will lead and direct the rest every step of the way.


We were taken to a large holding tank once we got to the courthouse and I lay down on the floor curled up in a ball. I was sicker than a dog. There were about ten or so women in the tank with me and one of them was an older black woman who went by the name "Mama". She looked at me lying on the cold cement and asked compassionately, "You're kicking, aren't you?" I weakly answered, "Yes" and she said, "I got arrested last night with 14 bags of dope and swallowed them. If I go to the bathroom I'll let you know." I seriously began to pray. As gross as it sounds – it didn't matter to me in the least back then. I was so sick that all I cared about was finding some temporary relief to my pain. There was no way I could stand before the judge as sick as I was.

About an hour or so later, Mama was sitting on the toilet. She motioned to me when she was finished and didn't flush when she got up. I dragged myself over to the toilet – looked around and grabbed a maxi-pad box. I took the box, stuck it in the toilet and smashed Mama's crap onto the side of the toilet bowl until I saw a little green balloon float up to the top. The other ladies in the holding tank were screaming by this time, asking what the heck I was doing and saying "how gross" etc. I turned around and gave them the finger and said that I was going to get well. I grabbed the balloon, went to the sink and washed it off as best as I could. When I finally got the balloon open all I could do was snort it – it was watery and difficult to get up my nose without spilling it all. I was able to snort enough of it to feel it burn my nostrils and almost immediately my dope sickness went away.

I was able to stand upright before the judge because of Mama, her crap and that balloon of dope! I was so grateful but man, I'd swear that I smelled poop for at least a week after that in my nose and under my fingernails! Ugh!!!

Thank You Jesus for delivering me and setting me FREE!

God bless you Gledwood!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood