HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

My Name is Gledwood I Am An Addict

I WENT TO NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS again... (hardly my first meeting, I knew someone there from three years ago when bingeing made me want to be clean)...

Usually at such meetings there is a "chair", that is, someone gives their account of what brought them to NA and how they have done since, then whoever wants to speaks (one at a time) either in reaction to the chair or just to say anything they want. This meeting had no chair just a five minute silence for "meditation" (no crossed legs though). Everyone their seemed normal apart from me. Then at the last minute a mad Swedish woman with a Liverpool accent turned up on a bike insisting "look after this! Don't let anyone steal my bike!" and almost wailed in utter despair about being on crack, having CCTV'd up her entire house and still a voice is screaming in her ear (ie she's paranoid) and basically she cannot go on like this any more. I know how she feels (crack made me exactly the same way except I thought other people were spying on ME and nearly electrocuted myself dismantling electrical sockets etc to remove the hidden cameras...)

Do you know I actually (how naive is this?) embarked upon my drugtaking "career" hoping to "find God"..? The ONLY spiritual "personnage" I have encountered along the whole way of chemical "enlightenment" has been the DEVIL!!

What a charming picture of drug abuse I have found. Hmmm someone is smoking hash right behind me. Anyway look at the state of this man's veins he has been digging trenches in his crooks. Mine are way too hammered to inject there (though my arms look "smooth" apart from the giant blister scar on the left one, track marks all down the back of my hands and from my thumbs to my elbows and a gigantic barbiturate burn on the back of my left leg. (The "infection" I had in February.) It WAS almost definitely caused by barbiturated heroin by the way. The fact that a urine test done three days later was barbiturate-clear means it was probably Seconal or something like that (which leaves the body in a day or so). The hospital were flummoxed as to why anyone should have such massive blisters full of brown fluid when not burnt. When I said "could it be barbiturates?" the doctor said "yes that's it!"

You should have seen the look on the nurse's face who'd come in to "aspirate" them (ie pop them and drain out the goo!) when the doctor pretty much introduced me as "the local barbiturate injector". I did protest several times that I've never "seen" a barbiturate in my life (never knowingly bought them) but no-one was listening oh blah blah OK gotta go

Here is the NA Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

17 comments:

Baino said...

Gleds your honesty is compelling, and the effects of drugs very disturbing, truly, and i'm not God despite some delusions of grandeur but I do wish you the courage to change the things you can. You're heading in the right direction.

Anonymous said...

Good onya for getting to that meeting! There is no charming picture of drug abuse... keep going in that direction you're heading! It was a good read :)

K.C. said...

See it from the end... I have been sitting here for 30 minutes reading your blog. What courage this takes to write this.. and you probably don't even see it that way.

If you could see yourself down the road helping other people who are in your position right now...

Who, if in your position, would want to listen to someone who hasn't been? You could help people sooo very much. It happens one step at a time. You should print every single one of your posts and know, with each one, and with each meeting, you are on the way to helping people.

This is one of the most inspirational reads... books, blogs, posts...whatever you want to call it.. it is real life.. and you will change lives with it..

Keep going forward.. you changed my life today, I know that much.

Kayce

Wayward Son said...

Ironically, your addiction may ultimately lead you to God. For many, recovery has been the path to a full and meaningful spiritual life. I know it has been for me though in most unconventional ways. I am at a point where I am actually grateful for the experience of addiction because I doubt I would ever have found the understanding of joy I have now without it. That doesn't mean I would choose it again if I had the opportunity. It just means I don't have the burden of regretting my past to weigh me down.

Cheers my friend.

Vincent said...

Can you explain how the NA meetings help you? Call me stupid, it's OK :-) And why does that guy in the picture not inject in veins over his biceps? Seems like a good spot no? Call me stu.. oh, I already said that.

The devil or god. Hmm. I think the only person you're going to find is your self (and maybe three little hamsters ;-).

Have you been using daily now again? Coz a few weeks ago you had days where you didn't feel like it?

All the best!

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds, pleased you made it to the NA meeting. After reading the words of their prayer it makes me think you already have the wisdom from what you wrote about knowing how the Swedish lady felt and you are more than courages in the honesty of your writing about your daily struggles.

Smiles & hugs to you x

Gledwood said...

Baino: ever since heroin came along courage of any type (except to willingly venture where angels fear to tread) has deserted me

Anon: thank you ;->...

KC: I really changed your life..? wow

Gledwood said...

Wayward: I have been trying to find God forcefully... I think even the Bible says something along the lines of "if you turn to God, God will turn to you"...

Vincent: the best thing about NA is being in a room full of people who have mostly not only STOPPED but "recovered" (that is done a programme most "normal" people would have trouble surmounting...)

Using: you're right that the big dipper's high not low but not every day

Bimbimbie: I do try to be frank ... thanks!

Whitenoise said...

Good on ya, Gled. Keep going, keep trying. There's a life out there waiting for you.

Monogram Queen said...

One day at a time, my friend. One day at a time.

Flipside said...

Good afternoon Gledwood

>Do you know I actually (how naive is this?) embarked upon my drugtaking "career" hoping to "find God"..?<

яички !

Inventing glamorous excuses like this one will not help you break the hold it has on you.

Forgive yourself for acting stupid when you're probably the brightest person here. You needed comfort - drugs gave you that for a while,but God is forever.

Everyone makes mistakes; yours got you addicted. Forgive yourself for that too.

And remember that you are NOT "an addict"! (Sorry NA!) YOU ARE A COURAGEOUS MAN WITH A UNIQUE WRITING STYLE, MAGNETIC PERSONALITY, WIT, COMPASSION AND GREAT POTENTIAL! You also happen to be addicted and it is thwarting all that you can become! That puts it in perspective, I think. The addiction is a removable wart, blighting your life. It is NOT you!

If you were indeed just "an addict", there would be no incentive to kick the habit, because there would be nothing left!

But, when you have beaten your addiction, guess what? YOU WILL STILL BE ALL THOSE OTHER THINGS PLUS ALL THE THINGS WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU YET! God knows you though.

Jeanette said...

Gday Mate, Just popped in to see how your coping.. pleased to hear your going to NA,,You can beat it.
keep going in the right direction...

Gledwood said...

Whitenoise: I hope so(!)

Monogram: hey how do you know that?... "just for today" is their biggest slogan!!

Flipside: that is a v interesting point and you have highlighted my biggest sticking point with NA this "I'm an Addict" (even though I may not have used for 10 years, as many people who still go meetings have not...) type of thing...

I think this "I'm an addict" expression is a way of junkies not getting overly confident that they've licked one of the cunningest diseases out there... only to fall slap-bang straight back on the face with a relapse asap...

It's one of the great contradictions of NA that "I'm an addict, we're all addicts" and yet clean time is counted and reckoned and one's suitability to carry out certain group tasks e.g. being treasurer of a meeting is reckoned against a minimum clean time of 6 months to 1 year!...

v good points there! thank you ;->...

ps I'm intrigued as to who you are (!)

Jeanette: thanks Jan I hope I continue going in the right direction. All I've shown myself good at in recent years is RIGHT ROYALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING UP~!!!

chanworks said...

hi, glen !!

do you steel remeber me?

chandra from indonesia.

I'm a christian, too!!

May God alwys bless you and give you courage for through this situation.

thnaks!!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood