HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Smelling the Way Ahead

HAH! THAT MIGHT well have been a title for me some months back in that old house with no hot water, yes a bath (full of a gnome's beard shavings) and no way of plugging it except with flannels and old socks (so I barely ever took a bath...)

Actually I was thinking of my Tiny Trotters yesterday with that Minty Corridor plunked in their midst and how within 30 seconds Itchy and Bashful were investigating in the most highly-strung way (one behind the other), cautiously creeping up to the garage-door style cardboard flap opening at one end only to spring back in amazement as the entire structure took to feverish vibrating ~ because Big Momma Spherical had thundered in blithely at the other side and was duly stomping through it...

But really it has to do with those strange "memory" flashes I mentioned yesterday. They come in aromatic form, but are actually windows into a lost world of stately halls with long oaken libraries full of musting books ~ the world of my old imagination, before it got gutted by a life where I ceased to daydream for years at a time (except for craving more you-know-what...)

Now I even have aromatic flashes from this book I'm intending to write. The only downside is that much research needs to be done before I can even start it, as it's not set in the present day. I have given up on the idea of writing about drugs: I don't think it's a popular subject and I've always said I want to write for the entire world ~ not the tiniest section of it that doesn't even buy books anyway (it only shoplifts them!!)

That is what I meant by the scent of freedom... see I'm sniffing out the future...

(but have yet to find it...)

PS: Do you like the golden hammy picture, top left? I was thinking of using that as my new "avatar"...

18 comments:

Baino said...

Yes to the avatar . .she is sooooo cuuute. And yes to the book. Were you high when you wrote this post? If not, you seriously are a cunning linguist . .start it! I dare you.

Puss-in-Boots said...

That's a cute hammy to have for your avatar...go for it!

Ooh, research for your book. Sounds like hard work but I bet it'd be worth it...can't wait to read this new book...sounds as if it could be very interesting.

Gledwood said...

Baino: I can't use the avatar "invalid image url"...

high when I wrote that post..? distinctly not! so that is a good sign then..? good!

Pussinboots: it's way more interesting than anything about drugs could ever be, I can tell you that!!

Eileen said...

Hamsters are cute and look like popcorn with eyes. Hope you are keeping well!

Gledwood said...

popcorn with eyes... never heard THAT one b4...

a LOT BETTER than in some times previously, a LOT better ~ thanxx!!

WAT said...

I love the hamster pic. It makes for a great avatar indeed.

Some gentleman I met at the bar last night said that heroin can keep someone looking young! I thought for sure he was insane!

A book? I should write one someday. But then again I also wanna do a screenplay. And go back to writing/recording songs. So many things I'd like to do but never get around to like the procrastinating fool that I am.

Eileen said...

"Than in sometimes previously" - Did I previously insult your hamsters. I think I have made reference to angry love in the past but...

????

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds, golden hammie would be a perfect new avatar for your journey to freedom. It's good to see your creative urges are back, you always paint vivid images that transport the reader ...

"They come in aromatic form, but are actually windows into a lost world of stately halls with long oaken libraries full of musting books ~ the world of my old imagination, before it got gutted by a life where I ceased to daydream for years at a time"

Is that true about the gang of ringnecked parrakeets ... little hooligans *!*

Monogram Queen said...

Your golden hammy is veryyyy posh!

Anonymous said...

OOHHHH love the idea of aromatic flashes! I have sinus and can hardly remember smell at all right now. You are very lucky to have that gift - so use it!!!! I'm sure another usable Golden Hammie will appear for you :)

Anonymous said...

OOOHHHH forgot to mention I have posted an 'English Garden' found in Australia on my photo site ;) There's a little poetry in the comment too!

Amazing Gracie said...

Love the hamster avatar!
I'm so very sorry I haven't visited you recently - I've been a horrible blogger as of late.
It does sound as though your lot in life has improved and for that, I'm very happy!!!
If you have a book in you, you should pursue it, by all means!
~~~Blesings~~~

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ The hammie is cute, so I hope you can get one similar and be able to use it. Do start on the book ~ it sounds like a new start for you and maybe easier than the book on drug use to research and write. At a later time the drug one may help others decide not to get on to Heroin. But for now, go for the other one. Glad you liked my bird feeder and one would look nice at a window now you have a better placed one. The birds are artificial on mine. I hope you can get a feeder - there are plastic ones which the birds would come to.
Take care of yourself, Gleds, and look to the future. Love, Merle.

Gledwood said...

Wat: heroin can only keep anyone young from a botoxing kind of effect where junkies keep more of a deadpan face than ordinary people. this is supposedly true and might be a side-effect of heroin flattening out emotions of all kinds (it doesn't paralyse any muscles) whatever; it only lasts a short time, maybe 5 years then all the abuse really catches up and you definitely look older!

Eileen: no! I meant I was doing better than at some times previously (like last week in fact!!)

Bimbimbie: thank you yes they pecked a church spire to bits and now a £5000 repair bill!!!

Monogram: that is a v posh photo. i just wish blogger would let me hijack it (unfortunately not as of yesterday eve...)

Gledwood said...

Anonymous: I am coming to that garden...

I used to get mild but persistent sinus all the time I expect you've tried all the sprays etc

o yeah here's a tip that did work for me: juice of a lime drunk (or eaten) in whatever form does go some way to decongesting, it works about x10 stronger than lemon & might be worth trying

Gracie: hi and how are YOU it's been ages... now that random blog button doesn't seem to work any more I have barely been by either

Merle: I thought those birds looked suspiciously static... then again we used to have a feathery fake bird on a light shade and it really did look real

books: memoirs I never wanted NOT to write them it was more the thought of the entire world potentially reading them that scared me off... maybe they ought to get published privately or something, I don't know!

this other book was more mainstream I thought it would be easier to focus on and also I want to get AWAY from drugs not be thinking of them even more!!!

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Yes, I like that hammy pic. Yes to the book also. But what happened to your Guide to London venture?

Gledwood said...

Guide to London venture... that one never yet got off the ground. The new book does need some research, but once I get the hang of the historical/social stuff it should go pretty easy...

It's a shame I couldn't use that hammy pic as Blogger claimed "invalid picture url" when I tried to purloin it...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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