HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, July 03, 2008

The Tiniest Trotter

WHO IS THE TINIEST OF THE TROTTERS? Answer: Baby Itchy Roborovski. She is intensely small. All my hamsters have been in hiding in a dark cupboard by day (from the sun and from the landlord) only to come out (in 2 senses, as they come out of nests and also get physically presented under a red light that makes them apparently believe they are in pitch darkness) after evening time...

They do recognize my voice as whenever I start talking to them they up sticks and perform something like a mini furry horse race darting and pinging about and gazing up at me as if in Great Expectations... only to flee or chase it the moment The Giant Hand enters their domain.

A drug dealer turned up with a Free Gift of ukky white heroin today. It is "supposed" to be better than the brown but some eejut selling it (several stages up the so-called pyramid as this stuff's everywhere) ALSO decided "this stuff's good so I'm going to jump all over it" ... I don't know what this twazzock added but it crystalizes in the "works" and took three cookings up plus four filtrations before I got anything out of it that was doable. Then I had to go pyoing in my foot, which was not very pleasant. Yes and scarlet blood all over my white socks!

I think I'm going back to NA!

PS I've always wanted pet bees (as in the furry buzzing variety, not bags of "brown" I'm afraid if you're British and into drugs that does sound a bit like a pathetic pun... but no! I mean real bees, the honeymaking insects. Do you know if you DO keep bees you actually can get PAID for placing hives along farmer's crops in spring and summertime?

12,000,000 bees recently escaped in Canada on the way home from a fruit-nectar jamboree on local raspberry/whatever fields... unfortunately the lorry carrying them overturned and gerzillions of the bees decided "right that's it! we're fed up of that boring white old hive they cramped us into ~ we're off!" and duly swarmed!

Highway chaos ensued until firemen with hoses persuaded the poor furry buzzing swines that it was raining soapy water and the insects angrily crowded back home. Apart from the million or so who DIED of detergent poisoning, littering the road with furry winged carcases...



TRUE STORY of a lion cub purchased from Harrods in 1969...

This purloined from Raymi the Minx blog...


Eileen said...

You need the Carter family keeping vigil outside your apartment to keep those undesirable visitors that you have at bay....if it worked for Johnny Cash it could work for you ;)

Monogram Queen said...

You don't need to even TALK to the dealers. Seriously.

Hmmmm I like bees as shapes in jewelry or on handbags, clothing etc. but in real life - NOPE!

Audrey said...

I got sent that video the other day, it makes me wanna cry its so beautiful, the moment the lion runs toward them and leaps all over them, just LOVE IT!!!!! Am I a sad person or what Gleds...discuss...

Dont give up giving up..does that make sense !!!!! upward and onwards little by little, grab that life of yours back with both hands..

Robos, Lions all things furry....just love them

X Auds

dennis said...

Dennis thinks it's true what you said, that you need to go back to NA. Take care of yourself.

Baino said...

I've seen the lion vid before too but didn't know it was bought at Harrods. I want one on the foot of my bed (oops he labrador might complan! Apparently you can buy anything at Harrods. Would you believe my daughter is bored in London because it's full of tourists! Miss her like a limb but she's heading to a horse stud in Surrey to train Welsh Mountain Ponies! Keep up the NA meetings if only to save your sox! Peleaaaeeese.

And what sort of dealer approaches you! The ones that want to get rid of shit stuff. C'mon Gleds, we're al rooting for you . .think about life on the clean side!

I have no idea why I exponentially feel an affection for you but I do . .keep up the NA meetings.

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds, Great to see you are back thinking and writing again ... perhaps I'm not happy about one of your topics - you must know how hard it is to keep socks white, remind yourself that twazzocks turning up with so called free gifts can only mean the ruination of socks. x

Nicole said...

Bees are great animals. I would like to keep a hive as well one day.

Vincent said...

Isn't it really scary to inject a freebee like that? How well can you judge wether it's not gonna be bad for you?

And what happened to the lorrie driver that was transporting those bees? Imagine being stuck.. brrrr.

Gledwood said...

Eileen: I keep hearing about Johnny Cash; they even made a movie about him but who the hell is he? And what's that Carter/Carver family..??

Monogram: oh no I've always wanted pet bees. Only got put off by sayings in books e.g. (OK, slight paraphrase here but:~) "you MUST let them sting you otherwise you're a pussyman" etc

As for the dealer: the bastard just turned up with said "free gift" what else was I to do? I had complained bitterly last time I saw him as his wares then were TINY.

Besides I've not rung that c**t back since. Har-har!

Audrey: no you're not sad but you reminded me of my "video of the day" to post...

"don't give up on giving up" no of COURSE that makes sense!!

The Tiny Trotters have looked especially gorgeous of late...

Dennis: here here I'm going back 2nite...

Gledwood said...

Baino: I didn't realize that lion vid had been round the block (always last to hear ANYTHING; that's me!!)...

London: only the West End is full of tourists. She should move out to West London (tall white houses) or North London (smaller brick houses peopled by intellectuals) or South London (smaller terraces populated by gangsters) or East London (tiny houses lived in by vulgarians...)

No he phoned me up said "where are you because I have something for you" and just came round. I have not rung him back as was unimpressed even by his "free" goods. I hate people who take advantage like that

Nicole: good. We can beekeep together. At opposite ends of the earth!!

Vincent: you never know what you're getting! That's true... what he gave though wasn't a "tester" but a compensation bag as I complained so vociferously at how EXTRAORDINARILY TINY the one he'd flogged me b4 was!!!

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: I'm hoping the "bleaching action" of my present supermarket's own Washing Pills SHALL work. "No pretreating" they proclaim (and yet left an old lot of bloodstains IN...)

also bleach even watered down and soaked in ... I didn't realize how BADLY it would put FLAMIN' HOLES IN ALL MY UNDERWEAR

now I really do look like a 100% slob (albeit with bright white holey undies...)

Lucinda said...

I've tried shooting in my foot before. That's one painful way to do it. I have to say that I put a needle through the abscess in my arm, after saying "well fuck the foot, that hurts more than this will..."

I have a weird fear of NA, like I think to myself "That's probably not a bad idea, I should probably go to a meeting." But, I have some kind of irrational fear of going.

= )

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood