HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, July 07, 2008

The Long Weekend

... AND BACK TO N.A.!...

HELLO MY FRIENDS... back again at long LAST. I never WANTED to be away
, but was separated from the e-world by a lack of internet connexion and a lack of funds so bad I couldn't EAT yesterday, let alone shell out money for fancy-shmansie international textsational bloggeries..!

So what have I been doing? Not sulking, not surlying even... just kind of "hibernating" in my room... even though it's not "hiver"/"hiber" or any hibernational time of year...

My trotters have been on good form though... Poor Baby Itchy is fed up of my cooing: "are you the Tiniest Trotter? Yes! You're the Tiniest One...!"

She just looks up at me all furry and weary and goes: "shut up, man!"

Now as for that free drugs gift from that evil dealer: I do know the man; he rang me, saying "where are you?" "Why?" I wanted to know. "Because I have something for you." Then he came round with said Free Gift ... it was NOT a "sample" as they sometimes give out, but rather a Compensation Bag as I complained so vociferously and bitterly at how microscopically TINY his previous sale to me had been. Plus, as I said on the day, it STILL blocked the blinkin' works up. I.e. it was useless and I have refused to call him since.

... So, cutting a possibly circuitously blabberous story short, I'm returning BACK TO N.A. TONIGHT! And shall tell how it goes!!

And now on to music. Please answer this query of mine as it's a point of fascination:~

MUSIC OF THE DAY 1 (play this first...):
REM ~ LOSING MY RELIGION...

Intrusive Query of the Day: Have you ever wept bitterly as this song played out around you...?



MUSIC 2:
REM ~ EVERYBODY HURTS.

No queries here, but don't you think this is the better tune? (Not to mention video..?)




Have a cheery day, everyone!

17 comments:

Nicole said...

What's going on with the cash flow? Are you okay now? Have you got money for food again? This is all a bit of a worry to me.

tom said...

REM a much better song, Good luck with N.A....keep your head up..The hammies look great

Merle said...

Dear Gleds ~~ I am so sorry you haven't been able to get the Internet
and more to the point, you need food
so try to keep esting, buy the food first!!I agree a lot of psychiatrists
do act as though they are God.
Take great care, my friend, Love, Merle.

Eileen said...

You don't know who Johnny Cash is? This is disturbing. Ring of Fire, Folsom Prison. I don't think I have ever come across someone who doesn't know who JC is EVER. He is an Americana country singer AKA The Man in Black. The made a movie about his life, Reese Witherspoon plays his wife June Carter. Long story short, Johnny Cash was a heavy drinker and drug abuser who overcame his addictions with the help of the Carter family (who were also a very influential travelling country band). Anyhoo, look it up, interesting story and good Americana music. Take care. Eat. Be well.

Monogram Queen said...

The correct answer to his query "Where are you?" next time is "Nowhere you need to know about" click. Hang up phone.

Z said...

Aestivating. Honestly, it's the summer equivalent of hibernating.

I hope you've eaten enough today.

Akelamalu said...

I'm happy to hear you have your priorities right - food first!

I'm so glad you're going back to NA, maybe this will be the first day of the rest of a good life for you? x

Baino said...

Hooray for NA! Good lad . . no excuse for not eating though . . .you'll need to be in good health to get through all this. And Everybody Hurts makes me cry more than the other one ...I stopped listening to REM because their songs are so negative . . .well many of them.

Anonymous said...

Hello Gledwood! Looking forward to hearing about tonight's N.A. meeting! I'm afraid to play the videos in case I cry into my morning coffee! Thinking of you...

Audrey said...

Yes Gleds Ive done a fair bit of snivelling to 'everybody hurts in my time'.

REM always bring me back to a time when I was decorating a big room for the first time, up the ladder with paper in hand, swaying away to automatic for the people, everytime I hear REM It brings me back to that summer.The room looked great too for a first attempt.

N.A..............good to hear, youve got something to give too remember.

Hopefully you will have some money for something to eat tommorrow,if not shall have to send you food parcels like I did for my son when he was in Iraq, were all fighting our own personal battles in some way....and one needs food for the journey and the soul

Take care Gleds and good luck for tonight, hope its encouraging xx Auds

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds, hope you managed to get some food into you yesterday and made it to your NA meeting ... how did it go?

As for REM they are ok but no I've not been moved to tears by either song *!*

Vincent said...

Glad to hear it was not just a sample mate.

Regarding the weeping question. The answer is no but hearing that song makes me want to cry because it's one of my most hated songs of all times and all genres. Sorry, I just wish R.E.M. didn't exist ;-)

Good on you to go the the N.A. meeting again too dude.

Kahshe Cottager said...

Thinking of you today so popped in to say hello. A little alarming to read you aren't eating! That can't be good!! Glad to hear the furballs are doing well. I hope you have a good NA meeting!

tut-tut said...

Hello! I've been away; eat, then blog. I'm eager to here about your meeting . . .

Gledwood said...

EVERYONE: Nicole: the money's going again thank God the govt keep threatening to cut me off through THEIR ineptitude...

REM: I know some people really hate them! (Vincent: ahem!) I only know those 2. I'm not interested in substandard work...

I did eat!

And as y'all will see, NA appears one post after this...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood