HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, December 19, 2008

Accidental Spliff

IT COULD ONLY HAPPEN TO ME... but I got quite swirlingly stoned the other night without even realizing it until it had, well... happened...

It's all my fault for running out of tobacco and indulging in my bad habit, acquired in my days as a homeless or semi-homeless street addict, of picking up dog-ends from the bus-stop and re-rolling them into fresh cigs of my own.

So I was smoking away, distantly musing, "this is a bit 'herbal'" ~ but thinking no more of it until the stream of my thoughts seemed to break off and swirl round my brains in a constant circle...

Then I heard a voice saying random words... yet nobody else was in the room...

I spent a couple of hours feeling very merry, then thought, "I'm not doing that again".

I gave up cannabis many years ago (so long ago it was just before the current craze for superstrength grass kicked in: I always smoked hash back then...) I gave up because it played havoc with my memory and has, in the past, induced very severe paranoia complete with "voices" ("real" voices you actually hear, only nobody's physically speaking to you...)

... and got clean of all drugs for a while. Then somehow heroin crept in and the rest, as they say, is history...


Baino said...

Apparently it induces psychosis in those prone to depression. Frankly I don't do it for vanity reasons, makes my eyes puffy and gives me an overwhelming urge to eat toasted cheese and gherkin sandwiches!

molson said...

Now forgive my ignorance here, but wouldn't a half burned J you picked up off the ground look like a half burned J and not a cigarette? Well I guess you could have a hand rolled tobacco cigarette which is not something you really see in the States. Too bad burning one down makes you feel a little paranoid, otherwise I would think it a better alternative to H. Again I'm no expert here and plan on staying that way. Maybe when I get really old if I make it that long, I could consider burning a daily J... for medicinal purposes of course.

Akelamalu said...

You need to be a bit more discerning about what you pick up off the floor methinks m'deario.

Arjan said...

I touch it ones or twice a year..thankfully I've not been hearing any voices.
I think alcohol is probably a bigger demon to me, not addicted but if you pull out the 'healthy consumption list' I probably overstep it on a regular basis.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Yes, I have a brother who smoked the stuff the way others smoked cigarettes and ended up with a drug induced psychosis. The poor bugger was in a bad way for some years but thanks to mum's dogged determination to get him help, he's ok now, but is a changed personality...not in a bad way, just a different person from whom he used to be.

Gledwood said...

Baino: it's for that reason that I cannot go along with the crowd who say "so what? it's harmless!" because I know it is NOT harmless. It gets me just as out of it as ketamine, only the effect's not as nice!

Molson: that was the thing: it was NOT half-burned it looked just like a dropped unsmoked roll-up cig. Lots of people roll their own here bc cigs are so v expensive ($10 for a pack of 20!)

Akelamalu: I know I've accidentally smoked little bits before but never enough to put myself in a real daze like that...

Arjan: cannabis is probably theeee most pernicious drug to my system... strange because everyone else thinks it's the "softest". I can hear voices on as little as half a spliff. It never used to happen in the beginning but I just think my brain got tired of it and intolerant...

Pussinboots: see I rest my case I think cannabis is NASTY

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Sorry you had a bad experience, not good for you to feel that way.
Many thankd for the Christmas wishes and I hope you also have a great Christmas and that 2009 will be your best year yet.
Very best wishes, Merle.

molson said...

10 bucks a pack???? Ouch. You can get cigarettes in the States for 5 bucks a pack and I thought that was ridiculous. I'm glad I never got started on that activity either. I know of no one rolling their own cigarettes here. Probably best not to do in public given the law enforcement's paranoia over anything cannabis looking.

molson said...

A strange thought popped into my head. Hopefully those voices you hear after burning a J don't say kill all Yanks ;-)

Gledwood said...

Merle: Thanks for your message:... it wasn't so horrible THAT time but has been in the past... not sure what I'm sposed to be doing for Xmas but always end up doing SOMETING...

Molson: the exchange rate has changed so they are probably a bit cheaper now... to put it another way, when you buy cigs in england you ask for 20 marlboro meaning one pack of 20 (you can also get packs of 10)... 20 marlboro might easily cost you £4.80... dunhill could easily be more than a £5er... that is STEEP!... isn't it true in America you can buy unbranded and get them really cheap? I mean about half the price of marlboros? you can't do that here. marlboros are only about 20% more than the cheapest, if that

also they've taken up picturing the worst examples of lung cancer right on the back of packs... ridiculous

no i've never heard a voice saying kill the yanks... usually they just talk rubbish

or I mistake it for a real person who's going to break my door down... (long story)...

Lucinda said...

I haven't smoked weed in a few weeks, and I got so stoned yesterday it was ridiculous. I was also being pressured into drinking a bit of beer. I became so out of it that I could barely sit there and close my eyes without hysterically laughing... man, and I was the most sane of the bunch... scary, right?

I wanted to go on the nod tonight, but I'm so tired I'm just going to pass out instead. I figure tomorrow might be a nice day, to write some essays between some sweet dreams.

I haven't been on in a while, I hope you're doing well!
= )

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood