HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Depressed All The Time

I DON'T WANT TO SOUND TOO NEGATIVE or especially ungrateful. Because I am certainly not the latter. I think it is amazing that finally I get to move into a pukka flat. With ~~S P A C E~~. I have been dutifully brushing and cleaning the floors and trying to be domesticated. Also I'm tossing things in the bin as I go instead of letting them fester on the floor and only clearing up once a fortnight. And washing up with every used plate. And I have loads of plates now. All matching. Woo.

No: it's just I realized that pleased and glad as I am I still feel this depression inside me all the time. And can't sleep properly because I feel so negative.

Also this move feels too good to be true and I'm wondering what the catch is. I've still yet to sign anything at the council housing office (the landlords took it on themselves to transfer me and I signed their papers only... I'm wondering how long this is going to last. I want it to last until something better comes along and not something worse. I keep expecting them to play a trick on me, like saying "so! you packed up and moved out. Sorry that place is too good for you, especially with your massive arrears (long story). We're transferring you back to your old place where you never really liked the area and couldn't even find an internet cafe that worked properly for you... hahaHAAR!!!

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50 comments:

M- Filer said...

I think a lot of people are depressed at the moment. I am not one to become depressed, not easily and certainly not often, but I have had to shake off the blues often as of late.

Hang in there.

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Do you think the winter weather may play a part in your intensified depression? Dark, cold and dreary. I know that I get affected by it, as I am sure I have mentioned more than once in my own posts. This winter I even had to go to the doctors office to get me some happy pills because I just didn't think I could hack it. Hang in there, try and focus on the positive going on in your life. Sometimes when you are down to that degree, there is nowhere left to go but UP. Hope you are feeling better soon!

Gledwood said...

MFILER: I hope you're feeling better ;->...

EILEEN: The weather is biting cold, it is horrible. Maybe I'll go get some happy pills too...

Squirrel said...

Gled, hope you feel better soon.

Everyone has trilas and tribulations (what a word that is tribulation --i think some newspapers should be called that rather than the tribune.) Gled, I have the flu and it's the fevers and chills type... and when I did go outside I stumbled and fell--smashing my face right into some stone steps. This left many cuts scrapes an gashes on my face which are painful and make me look pretty freaking awful I must say! especially the nose area which swelled up and looks like the letter S is carved into it. --but the scrapes and such are all minor enough really--they will hurt like mad but they will heal over time.

that's how it goes. But I have promised myself I will take better care of my skin, my immune system and my life from now on.
oh and I'm very depressed today. but it too will pass.

Squirrel said...

I meant to write Trials... above

Crushed said...

Sometimes you just got to go with the flow.
Sometimes good things really DO happen.

Good luck with the move!

Akelamalu said...

You're looking at your glass as half empty! Trying looking at it as half full - you'll feel better! I'm sure no-one is trying to play a trick on you m'dear, it's just that things have been so bleak for you recently that you find it difficult to accept that things are looking up. :)

Baino said...

Aww and you've been so positive of late! I agree, with Akelamalu, try to look at life with a glass half full.

Megan said...

Hang in there G. Stop and look at your nice clean space some more.

I wish I did every dish right away, I'm so bad about that...

Kahshe Cottager said...

It is easy to understand why you might feel this way ... like being pinched and then finding out this has all been a dream so far. Good that you are expressing it but take another look around and realize that changes have been made, you have moved forward and please try not to allow yourself to slide back.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ I am so sorry you are
feeling so down. Try to enjoy where you are now and trust that it will not be taken away from you. Keep it nice and tidy, and there's no reason they should.
I knew Ramsey St. was from Neighbours, but I haven't watched for years and years. Can't remember what the houses were like either. Here we have nice houses and yards at the front and back. It is hard to believe the houses in England are so small. Mine isn't huge, but it's plenty big enough. Take great care of yourself and the new living quarters and of course the hammies.
Very best wishes and Love, Merle.

Whitenoise said...

Chin up, buddy.

Liz said...

I like both quilts but like the first one best. You have good taste. Your flat sounds great and your mum is a star!

Now depression. It doens't just go because you've moved. Although that would be nice: move to a new house and leave your problems behind. But keep on battling, and now you've better internet access you can depend more on your virtual friends for support. Take care, lovely boy! xx

Puss-in-Boots said...

Sounds a bit like the Christmas blues, Gleds, however, it's good you write here about it rather than bottling it up or withdrawing from everything.

Hopefully, it's a passing thing and won't last too long. I don't think it has anything to do with being ungrateful or anything like that. I guess, being a user, you have your ups and downs and this is one of the downs. Take heart and take care.

sally in norfolk said...

your not alone...I think the whole world is depressed at the moment :-(

gledwood said...

Thanks for all this. I can't reply properly now as I've maxxed out my a/c////////////!!

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If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

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Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood