HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Have a Good One and a Superior 2009!

TO THOSE OF YOU WHO CELEBRATE, here's wishing you a very merry Yuletide, Joyeux Noël, Fröhliche Weihnachten and Nadolig Llawen. (That last one's Welsh, which I did to GCSE at school...!!) I don't believe the actual festival of Christmas as celebrated now truly does commemorate the birth of our Lord and Saviour in a Christian way, but I respect that it does mean a lot to many people, hence the greetings.

I do believe in the testimony of Jesus Christ and that he is indeed our coming Saviour.

I just wish I had the wherewithal to put those beliefs into action!

Here's a festive quotation from the Bible (Revelation 19:11-16) If this catches you in the right frame of mind it might bring you out in shivers like it did me:

I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True. With justice he judges and makes war. His eyes are like blazing fire, and on his head are many crowns. He has a name written on him that no-one knows but he himself knows. He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and his name is the Word of God. The armies of heaven were following him, riding on white horses and dressed in fine linen, white and clean. Out of his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations. "He will rule them with an iron sceptre." He treads the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God Almighty. On his robe and on his thigh he has the name written: KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS.

He who testifies to theses things says. "Yes, I am coming soon."
Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.
The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God's people. Amen.

(Revelation 22:20, 21 ~ closing words of the Bible.)


THE POGUES FT KIRSTY MCCOLL: FAIRYTALE OF NEW YORK
In countdowns of "favourite Christmas song... Ever!" this one's constantly in the top three
precisely because it is NOT slushy... If you don't happen to know this one then clickonit it's absolute classic. Don't get dismayed by the term "fairytale" ... it's used ironically!



HAVE A BRILLIANT TIME EVERYONE AND DON'T OVERINDULGE!!
(And don't take advice from a roaring hypocrite like me!!)

15 comments:

Terry Wright said...

Merry Christmas G.

Hope you have a doosey of a new year.

molson said...

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Gledwood. Don't worry about me over doing it. I am a light weight. Too bad I won't be able to overindulge in big mountains. No money and no time to go west. The pikas will have to indulge in their stash of greens without me disturbing their peace.

Odat said...

Have yourself a merry lil christmas!!! Be well, my friend....
Peace

Empress Bee (of the high sea) said...

merry christmas gled. wishing you a clean new year my friend...

smiles, bee
xxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Akelamalu said...

I love that song!

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and wishing you well m'dear. Please take care of yourself. xx

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

Gled you beat me to it, I was going to post that song when I got home...love it.

Have a wonderful Xmas!

Liz Hinds said...

Been crazy busy and haven't been able to visit of late but I do wish you, gleds, a wonderful Christmas and a healthy New Year! xx

WAT said...

I dare say, roaring hypocrites like you are prolly the most honest frank people whose advice is worth gold. Does that make sense?

Enjoy Xmas mate!

Baino said...

I don't believe in a vengeful god but it's a pretty horse! (looks a bit like my Laurie) Have a good one Gleds. It's Christmas morning here, the crickets are buzzing, the sun is shining and the parrots are chattering in the trees . . .it's gonna be a good day . . as I hope yours is too!

Vincent said...

That's a great song there mate. Funnily enough it was performed last Sat. on one of my fav. tv shows here called RocKwiz.

Have a merry Christmas everybody!

Crushed said...

Merry Xmas to you too!

And the hamsters :)

Puss-in-Boots said...

Merry Christmas, Gleds. That piece from Revelations could be more true than we realise.

I hope 2009 brings you peace and happiness.

Here's a hug from Australia, where it's overcast and humid, but still rather nice.

Deb said...

All the best to you Gleds.

Apologies for "ignoring" all my friends lately...it's been absolute craziness lately (as my job is ending in two more shifts!....with the way the economy is, I'm getting a little panicky at the lack of prospective employment).

Anyhow, hope all is well...miss you. I'm sending you a huge hug/kiss from Canada and thinking of you tonight.

:)

Bimbimbie said...

Merry Christmas Gleds xxx ... I got my White Christmas of sorts a misty start to the morning and then three snow balls masquerading as Cockatoos dropped in :)

Excellent choice for your Chrissie Video, no wonder it rates well as a favourite for many ... including moi

Gledwood said...

Thanks everyone. I hope the day's gone tolerably so far (3 mins to one as I speak...)

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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