HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Writer's Block

THE NOVELIST IN ME IS THWARTED. I have a first-rate idea. (Honestly Jeffrey Archer and maybe even Dan Brown would kill for this idea.) But I didn't originally know where to go with it. I know the vague outline of the story and precisely where it goes and how it finishes. (It is based upon a real historical person.) I don't actually need to do that much research as the facts surrounding this person's life are so very sketchy (and even then in dispute) that I have pretty much a blank canvas upon which to build a book of my own.... Only the first chapter (which to my credit (as it never felt like it would get done) I did actually finish after a fashion really is like something written by a 13 year old with literacy problems (it almost degrades into shopping-list language in parts: talk about "1st draft taken to extremes"...) then I got stumped over how I was going to tell the story. Originally I wanted to narrate in the 3rd person but solely from the viewpoint of my main character. Now I'm thinking I'll need to rotate viewpoints among everyone surrounding this person to get the tale told right. This stuff is crucially important because you have to start as you mean to go on. A novel that broke the rule (ie was single viewpoint to half way through, then went into constant rotation would (unless you were really arty about it and had some specific reason why) probably get rejected on that fact alone. Because it's artistically unsatisfactory.... Then I kept telling myself I had to have the entire thing plotted out before I could really make a start. I have written novels before (unpublished, obviously otherwise I would hopefully not be a glorified gutter junkie living in emergency accommodation...) anyhow I'd forgotten what I did, which was actually to plan out between four and ten chapters in advance and write the book in small sections like that. I have to know what I'm trying to say so I can say it. I hate flying by the seat of my pants. Not that inpiration doesn't strike and I won't run with it. But I need to know what I'm supposed to be saying otherwise I just can't work. So what I do next is plan out each chapter blow-by-blow, shopping-list style. There is a certain way of slotting a page of novel-writing together in that you weave narrative with dialogue, description and introspection. Once you get used to doing this it comes as easily as writing a note to the milkman. I know I can do this... it just is not happening for me. One thing I used to tell myself, realizing I was afraid most of all of trying but failing was to "fail in style" ~ meaning take the risk, be extra-funky, don't hold back and if you fail you fail. But that unfortunate wording became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm trying to rephrase my maxim but again words won't fit (call myself a writer and cannot pick out the apt words ~ duhhhhr!). Something more like something ventured; everything gained would be a better one but it's still not spot on....

So that's me. That's where I'm "at". I got places to go and I'm itching to go there. So wish me bon voyage!...

MUSIC
hey do you remember this one? the music from FAME as sung by Irene Cara...


5 comments:

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds, there's a little fun badge thingy waiting for you over at my place - might be a mascot for your voyage, get tha nib sharpened lad;)

How is Mother Hubbard doing?

Baino said...

Just don't give up on it. Keep that shopping list and go back to it. That's the beauty of computers I guess, you can blither on then edit later. Trust me, I know a few writers, published and otherwise and it's a lengthy process - the editing being the most laborious of it but boy . . if you finally get published what a joy and we could all do with a little joy huh?

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: MH is OK ... has to go in for op after New Year

Baino:... but I was writing with pen on paper!

Puss-in-Boots said...

Oooh, handwriting it! That's masochistic...but not having your own computer would make it rather difficult. Surely one of your blogging would kindly type it out for you??? I'm on the other side of the world, but if you like...?

Anyway, I know what it's like to have writer's block. There are ways of overcoming it but Christmas is not really a good time of year to even think of writing, at least not for me...

However, good luck and remember if you want a hand in putting the lot onto computer, contact me by email.

Crushed said...

Is it about Jesus?

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood