HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, December 05, 2008

The Negative Post

I HELD BACK FROM POSTING THIS. BUT IT'S WRITTEN (2 DAYS AGO on the back of an envelope)... so here goes.

But just to make it a bit more cheerful
, here's the first 11th of the BBC's 1992 documentary on the Queen: Elizabeth R.




click here to see the rest...

"Too Much Too Soon"

I'VE ALWAYS SAID (perhaps more to myself than to the world) that what I want when I do ever get a "normal" life together (which could only ever be post-drugs) is to be rich ~ preferably super-rich and live in grand style. Then I realized what I actually want is a place of my own with proper locking doors (unlike my last house but one), separate rooms (unlike my last place which only had separate loo), cooker and fridge-freezer, own (definitely preferably unshared so you don't have to worry about washed garms disappearing) washing machine and preferably bare, uncarpeted floors. Oh: and not ground floor (security).

And all this just fell into my lap!

I will never get a mortgage. The only way I will ever acquire property is by buying it outright ~ and to do that I really will have to write an international bestseller.

But I've always known deep down that possession, being as they say 9/10 of the law, is everything: to put it another way ~ having the use of something is little different from actually owning it.

So now I have possession of my dream home (credit-crunch dream). (Bigger than the 1-bed flats in Ontario Tower I used to rave about...) (have a clickonthat and see what a wonderful building (full concierge service) that is...) and I wonder: is this really for real? Will it last? With all this beautiful fresh bedlinen and matching pots, pans, coffee table and all manner of accoutrements, this feels at last like a proper home. And it's in the place that I love.

I'm terrified it will all get taken away from me, that I'll end up back in one stinking room with no Hoover for the foul carpets. I can't help fearing this is a game and my paranoia's coming back: a big mindgame where every move's bound to goil me into check. And threat is everywhere. Change will only make worse.

I thank God for all the good that has happened. I just want it to be real. When I lost my mind I couldn't tell what was real or a lie. I don't want to lose my mind again; or my home...

15 comments:

Akelamalu said...

Gleds I think you just have to accept that your luck has turned m'dear. You have been given the chance to get your life back - do that and you will keep the dream you are living. Be happy. :)

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Hey Gledwood. I think that the issue at hand is that YOU don't think that you are deserving of this wonderful turn. I have been reading your blog for awhile now, and as I keep reiterating, there is a reason why I come back. As far as I can tell, you seem to be an empathetic, smart and kind person that just fell down on his luck. You have made some bad choices, but hell haven't we all - stop beating yourself up about it. Guilt is the greatest weight. You are totally deserving of a nice, comfortable place to live where you can get your thoughts together without the worry of insolent neighbours etc. Believe me, although you don't have much you seem to be leaps and bounds ahead of ALOT of other self important people that can't see beyond what benefits them. Just try and enjoy this and BELIEVE that you deserve it. No one will take it away from you. Cheer up and have a wonderful weekend in your new digs! Oh....and....it's never a bad thing to dream big :)

Baino said...

Hey Gleds, that Aunty Reeny is a very wise girl. There's no reason why you should lose your digs at all. Keep it clean and tidy, don't give anyone reason to complain and be happy there. And property ownership isn't all it's cracked up to be unless you're filthy rich and don't have a mortgage. It's just another 'thing' that we accumulate. Relish the moment. Write the book!

Squirrel said...

yes, we've all made bad choices and have gone through rough patches, try to stay upbeat and glad about your new place. allow yourself to enjoy it .

Puss-in-Boots said...

You're doing the right thing by giving thanks for your good fortune. Now carry on doing the right thing by accepting it gratefully and believing that you do deserve it. We all deserve good luck, Gleds, and that includes you.

Cheers.

Deb said...

I'm confused...must go back and re-read. Have you moved? It sounds like it.

And I believe what that person (above) said is true - you, like me, don't believe you're truly worthy of anything grand or wonderful. But you are...moreso than most. You are a kind, compassionate, brilliant person. So sit back and enjoy some of rewards of that when you can.

Vincent said...

You know how your mom and your bro helped you moving? Obviously they care about you. Could they not be with you when you try to boot the drugs?

If you manage that, you don't need to have these worries anymore and you can truly start that life you want so much.

I would be thrilled and and I hope to see that day.

Gledwood said...

Thank y'all people. One reason I'm paranoid about getting retransferred is that the council (who technically house me) have failed to produce anything for me to sign. I've only signed forms with the letting agent who works for the council. My licence (not a tenancy) lasts only 24 hours ie technically you can be moved at any time.

As for the rest: points taken and thanxx

;->...

Janice said...

Relax and enjoy your new home.

Janice~

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

stopped back to check up on you gled. still using my friend? i'll come back another time and hope you aren't... i care!

smiles, bee

Gledwood said...

JANICE: the new home is FABULOUS, thanxx!!

BEE: yes still using. Things are a BIT better though... (sorry to disappoint you but I cannot lie...)

take care¬!

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal, Gleds. You won't let yourself lose either again.

M- Filer said...

CONGRATULATIONS! You deserve it.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood