I HELD BACK FROM POSTING THIS. BUT IT'S WRITTEN (2 DAYS AGO on the back of an envelope)... so here goes.
But just to make it a bit more cheerful, here's the first 11th of the BBC's 1992 documentary on the Queen: Elizabeth R.
click here to see the rest...
"Too Much Too Soon"
I'VE ALWAYS SAID (perhaps more to myself than to the world) that what I want when I do ever get a "normal" life together (which could only ever be post-drugs) is to be rich ~ preferably super-rich and live in grand style. Then I realized what I actually want is a place of my own with proper locking doors (unlike my last house but one), separate rooms (unlike my last place which only had separate loo), cooker and fridge-freezer, own (definitely preferably unshared so you don't have to worry about washed garms disappearing) washing machine and preferably bare, uncarpeted floors. Oh: and not ground floor (security).
And all this just fell into my lap!
I will never get a mortgage. The only way I will ever acquire property is by buying it outright ~ and to do that I really will have to write an international bestseller.
But I've always known deep down that possession, being as they say 9/10 of the law, is everything: to put it another way ~ having the use of something is little different from actually owning it.
So now I have possession of my dream home (credit-crunch dream). (Bigger than the 1-bed flats in Ontario Tower I used to rave about...) (have a clickonthat and see what a wonderful building (full concierge service) that is...) and I wonder: is this really for real? Will it last? With all this beautiful fresh bedlinen and matching pots, pans, coffee table and all manner of accoutrements, this feels at last like a proper home. And it's in the place that I love.
I'm terrified it will all get taken away from me, that I'll end up back in one stinking room with no Hoover for the foul carpets. I can't help fearing this is a game and my paranoia's coming back: a big mindgame where every move's bound to goil me into check. And threat is everywhere. Change will only make worse.
I thank God for all the good that has happened. I just want it to be real. When I lost my mind I couldn't tell what was real or a lie. I don't want to lose my mind again; or my home...
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