HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, December 12, 2008

What a Rotten Night

A REALLY HORRIBLE NIGHT last night. Woke up in heavy sweats several times. And cold. And over-hot. Opened the window to attemptedly soothe things. Relied on hot chocolate with added lemon to try and equalize temperatures a little more and found myself getting up to pee about 20,000 times in consequence.

It was -5C outside. I have double-glazing and heating that rarely seems to go off so perhaps that's what caused the odd hot-cold feelings...

This morning I felt little better. Soon found myself on the loo "executing" the stickiest, most disgusting diarrrhoea. (You really wanted to know that, I know. For further textural and perfumier-type details on the matter click here..!)

I "obtained" a current issue of Tatler magazine, a publication dedicating itself to "high society" people and happenings from the local Chinese takeaway of all places... (what on earth it was doing there I'll never know. I just cannot see Chinese immigrants having any interest in London "Society". But hey, it takes all types...)

I leafed through this with fascination mingled with repulsion. Even their idea of who's "it" wrankles me. They're so old school, obsessing about "hons" (ie children of the aristocracy), minor royalty and the horsier, sloanier end of the upper middle classes. I met a lot of this type at university and ended up with a complex. Not that I didn't feel "good" enough; just that the British social scale has only accentuated in me a feeling of never really belonging. People from lower down constantly assume that I'm somehow "posh" ~ but I'm so not. As for the higher echelons, my French classes were full of them and I never quite clicked with their horsey, sloaney outlook. Ho-hum.

What really did grab me in Tatler (apart from the house adverts) was the fine jewellery on display. The magazine is full of it. I love jewellery and would love to work with it. I loathe wearing it. Rings never fit, especially signet types with tops, which can look dodgy anyhow. I've never been tolerant of anything round my neck. I think men's jewellery can be dodgy at the best of times. The best stuff is for women. And this bling-bling's what I love to eye. Years ago, after I'd taken up making fluoro-beads/etc for wear in nightclubs, I was told I ought to do a proper course in jewellery design and I'm thinking that I should do it again.

Mother Hubbs came back from Australia with a one-off yellow and white gold opal and emerald ring. It's really funky. And designed specially around the specific shape of that fiery green opal. (Not like the bit of opal I used to keep at the back of a drawer in my school days. Hers is quite wondrous...

The nicest bits of bling from the magazine were from a photo-shoot where ultra-fine jewels were draped over glassware, cakes and other kitchen items. Being: a platinum, diamond, pearl, blue topaz and aquamarine necklace draped over a teapot (p74; December 2008) and a platinum, white diamond, yellow diamond, blue saphire and pink saphire with 30 or 40ct blue sapphire pendant on p72. All the stuff I like is priced the same: "POA"!

(Couldn't find anything quite as chunky as these in "images" but the illustration: platinum, white diamond and pink sapphire necklace with pendant drops shows the order of "bling" we're talking about...)

If you want to see more of what I'm talking about, Harrods do a good selection by all top names...


PS: HEY ~ do you like my new "main page" background colour? #66B5FF pale blue to #ffffff white... About time too! You might well state (that's what I say...) I've wanted pure white infinity for ages ~ it goes really well with many a picture's white background ~ but have been too emotionally constipated to go for it...

MUSIC: KYLIE MINOGUE + NICK CAVE of the Bad Seeds
I'm not too into Kylie, but I like this one:~


12 comments:

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

I too have an interest in jewelery and also semiprecious stones. I really like tourmaline. I hope you consider taking up jewelery making. It is a good hobby and even a good income source.

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

I took a jewlerey making class and it was very fun. I made a silver band and antler pendant.

Gledwood said...

LONEGREY I would love to do that. Of course I'm more interested in designing in the Jade Jagger mode than Ratners...

EILEEN/AUNT R antler? you mean made out of dropped antlers? coo

Akelamalu said...

I have lots of 'good' jewellry but tend to wear costume stuff these days.

Baino said...

From poo to jewels (nice seguay) You should have a go. We have some fab jewellers here, particularly at the local markets, nice quality and really unusual. I'm not sure what the obsession with opals is, only tourists seem to like them.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Yuk, I hope you're over the diarrhoea now...not nice.

I looooove jewellery. However, I prefer silver or white gold to the yellow stuff. I can't afford white gold, so it has to be silver...sigh.

You're not too keen on Kylie...oh, what will the gays and teeny boppers think of you, Gleds...grin.

Gledwood said...

AKELAMALU: Princess Di was famous for astutely mixing costume with "real"...

also Princess "Pushy" Michael of Kent is notorious for having sold the real stones out of her tiaras etc so that when she dropped one on the floor on Kensington Palace once it shattered!

BAINO: opals are prettier than most stones. That amazing fire from within...

... aren't they meant to be unlucky though?

PUSSINBOOTS: silver is prettier than white gold so don't worry!

Gledwood said...

anyway what is it with "White Gold"... surely a contradiction in terms... why not go for silver or platinum? why demoralize poor old gold in this way..??

Liz said...

Lots of stuff I like is POA too. Must be a special code for Posh or Average. they judge by your voice and if they think you're posh they tell you £10,000 because you won't stutter, and if they think you're average they tell you £10,000 because they know you will stutter.

Gledwood said...

Bastards.

I think this stuff was more like £1 million as lots of £10,000 prices were on display. E.g. the most expensive non-poa ring was £19,500

the most expensive non poa bag was £15,000 and "croc" which I took to mean REAL crocodile...

the only time I've knowingly seen a real crocodile bag up close was gazing into designer windows along the Champs Elysees in Paris... to this day I'll be watching nature documentaries, a crocodile pops up and i think "you'd make a nice handbag, mate"...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood