HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Being Have...*

*~Rhymes with "brave"...
THE PHRASE WAS A FAMILY JOKE after one of our parents' friends said to their toddling child: "behave!" ~ and the reply came back, "but I am being have!"


OK so it was a brown Christmas. The day went past in a syrupy haze... but since then I did stick to my plan. Not that it's feeling any good.

I count myself lucky to have the NA big blue book, I think they call it their "basic text"... which is full of junkie advice and wisdom. One such pearl is, "we tried to stop because we were in such pain"... [but that was not reason enough]. My question: so what IS reason enough..?

O man this does not feel good. It doesn't feel right. Feels very wobbly. Can it last...?

8 comments:

Akelamalu said...

I hope it does!

Jeannie said...

I wish you strength to do this. I do not have an terribly addictive personality so I find it hard to understand what you are feeling - other than maybe the desire to eat when I'm not hungry. I'm sure it doesn't come close.

I found GABA to be very helpful in calming anxiety (mind racing) - even the anxiety that comes from taking medication. It's an amino acid and probably available in any supplement or health store near you. It is given to alcoholics having the DTs. It slows down the brain firing. It might be worth trying if you are feeling anything like that.

I think reason enough is whatever pushed you to attempt it.

I wonder if you are a passionate person. If so, you will need a new passion to occupy you. Doubtless that will be next to impossible to discover for a little while.

Baino said...

Ah only been four days Gleds, but you don't have to do it alone. Seek help . . .and best of luck. (I do have an addictive personality so go some small way to understanding) It doesn't have to 'feel good' as long as it doesn't 'feel bad'. Stick to your methadone.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Keep going, Gleds...keep posting to us if it helps. Best of luck and keeping you in my thoughts.

The Zombieslayer said...

Yes, good luck with it.

Never knew anyone on methadone but had friends with other addictions. Don't know what advise to give, other than stay strong.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Gleds, only you can decide what is reason enough but I think you do sowant to. Like Puss-in-Boots says, keep us posted if it helps. God bless. I will keep you in my prayers.

Gledwood said...

AKELAMALU: it hasn't lasted very well though... ie I had been entertaining thoughts of robbing the smoked salmon out of Sainsbury's etc... stuff i've not done in years... that is what I call gear craving it was horrible and mental

JEANNIE: I don't have an addictive personality. It takes some wherewithall and self-assertion to say this as so very MANY former crackheads/junkies at NA claim they "always have been addicts"

I can't speak for anyone else but I know I am NOT an addictive person. Though I have strong obsessionality in my personality...

it took HEROIN to turn me into an addict and... surprise surprise it does EXACTLY THE SAME TO EVERY OTHER HUMAN BEING ALIVE... which is why I count junkies as boring people same same SAME no fascinating distinuishing features at ALLL>!!!

BAINO: BUT IT DOES FEEL BAD. AND BAD THOUGHTS GO THROUGH MY HEAD CONSTANTLY... IS THIS BAD..? What can I do about it? I ended up using on Sunday night...

Gledwood said...

ZOMBIESLAYER: this opioid thing is a closed book to non-initiates... then again it's nothing you would WANT to know about. At all. ... Trust me...

LONEGREY: hey thanks for getting back to me man: long time no see hope all's well with you and THANKS...

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood