HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, December 26, 2008

Bitter Cold

IT IS THE MOST ABOMINABLY COLD WEATHER you can get without at least frost everywhere, if not snow... In fact by the ice-stick feel of my fingers Jack Frost may well be out and about tonight...

All I have done today is sleep till past 4pm (maybe a midmorning dose of methadone helped... not that it has any proper "sleeping pill" effect on me. But if I'm already a-drowse, or on the verge of sleep it does knock me off. All the effect it really has is to make me feel stone-cold normal. (Stone cold being an operative phrase as I feel chills far more on that than stoked up on gear...)

Anyway on waking I found myself glued (for want of anything better to watch) to Mary Poppins (the chimney & rooftop scenes) and The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe Or Narnia or whatever it's called (latest Hollywoodized version...) It's all a highly symbolic struggle between good and evil; that's what I got out of it. Anyway look I gotta go it is so very cold.... Laters...

PS RE Illustrations: top one is best I could get under Jack Frost (though it looks like the sort of storybook illustration I might have treasured had I had a childhood in rural Spain)... bottom is the beautiful, gorgeous, wondrous, etc Tara PT as mentioned in yesterday's dream

10 comments:

Gledwood said...

Yes I know nothing happened; it was a nothing doing kinda day... boring. What else do you expect of Boxing Day..?

But come on someone.. leave a message ;->...

Baino said...

Haha kk, I'll play your silly game! Hot and sticky here but definitely a chill out Saturday after 2 days of blistering partydom. I'm getting too old for this lark. Hope you had a decent Chrissy. One word in relation to the cold - "Layers". Cheers Gleds.

Gledwood said...

I know I should ... but we've got a central heating freak somewhere downstairs who's put it on max setting... so I wake up with the chills yet knowing it's on max so "layers" might not be quite the anwer they are for "normal" people if you know what I mean...
{%-/...

Jeannie said...

Hey!
Have yourself a wonderful 2009 as well.

I don't know how cold cold is for you...here it gets quite cold but not quite as cold as further north. I am rarely warm enough either - low body temp. And anything sets off the chills. I try to keep my feet and back warm and drink tea - and keep the blood sugar up. If you can get ahold of the fuzzy artic fleece blankets out now, they help a lot too. Also - I tan and that makes a big difference. All the best.

Sweeti said...

No kidding it REALLY is like this here. I can honestly say that about 99% of the pictures on my blog are actually mine and taken by me. Thanks for dropping by.
I see you've met my good blog buddy Jeannie above. I love her.
Happy New Year.

dexy said...

hey there...i have been blogging for a year or so but always kept it quite private, until i came across your blog and decided to follow it!!!! i' unfortunately not so much in london anymore as i have moved up to university in leeds for a couple of years..its def nice finding a blog similar to my own....i'm looking forward t some inspiration and with a little imagination i can, through ur blog be transported to the familiarity of my london...through your eyes and words..!! happy christmas anyhow

Megan said...

Tis cold here too. At least colder than we are used to. I hate having to smoke my cigarettes with shaking hands...but so ridiculous to buy gloves when you live in Los Angeles, for cryin' out loud.

My favorite bit of Mary Poppins is "I Love to Laugh." No contest.

Amazing Gracie said...

Hello! I was so glad to see the happy hamster pop-up in my blog!
I've been a very bad blogger of late. Christmas time gives me the worst case of the blues - family situation - and hubman got laid off. He's a year short from retiring but looks like he'll be doing it, like it or not! At least we have each other...
I'm sorry to think of you being so cold. We live in mid-central CA and it can get cold in the winter - our high today was 48; during the summer it can ready 110 easily. I'll take the cold. You can only get so naked, you know?
It's 11:25 p.m. here and I'm about ready for a cuppa, too.
I pray for a better year ahead for you and a whole lot of good stuff.
~~~Blessings~~~

Gattina said...

There is a proverb, "while you are asleep you can't do any sin" or something like that. So it's good for you to sleep ! I hoped for you to celebrate Christmas with your mother since she helped you moving, but maybe your family lives too far away ?

Gledwood said...

Hi everyone thanks for the messages I am about to be terminated by this computer as time's pretty much ran out... I might get back to you I don't promise (because if I did I wouldn't do it, so I won't, which means I will... what a topsyturvy world...)
;->...

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood