HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

LIVE FROM LONDON

Gledwoods deutscher Blog

Bitte hier klicken ...

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Funky Indoor Flap-about Feathery Swines

I MET MY MUM in Town yesterday and we ended up in a patisserie having what my stepdad Brian declared "the worst latte I've been assaulted by in my life" (actually the second half of that quote's my own but I couldn't resist) plus some nibbles that I delighted in labelling "Thatcherite food". Brian really hates Mrs Thatcher. I love her. I just think nearly all her policies were wrong. But her sturdy influence did bring to this country ciabatta, fresh pastas sprinkled in fresh herbs ~ oh! and her biggest triumph: bottled springwater. I always go for "mineral" because at least then you're getting some free minerals. Springwater is almost the same thing as tap water left to chill 24 hours in an open bowl-type container, then filtered. No chlorine will be left...

Anyway the highlight of the night came (apart from when I got carried away with myself and confessed to trashing Laundretta's room (after she and Matran (the RatMan) had moved out) and Brian looked like he was about to fall off his chair in shock)... came when pigeons came blithely wandering into our upstairs, indoor cafe. The sort of ultra-hard pigeons who don't flinch when you put the crumbs out which I did in abundance. I suppose you could say Paddington Station is a giant semi-open "concourse" in that you could drive a truck in the front and 15 or more platforms of trains are constantly rolling in and out the back... but it did feel bizarre, having strolled into a glassed off area with sushibars, pub grub, all sorts of grub actually, and WH Smiths etc suddenly to have pigeons at our feet. They even had the cheek to strut behind the counter where the foreign girl (it's always a foreigner in central London) was diddling with the latte/espresso/cappuccino machine.

She kicked her foot and they sauntered huffily off...


LADY GAGA: POKERFACE

I had to get in on this Gaga thing... they luuurve her over here. I think it has to do with the techno-centric music (which we think of as British or European) and the out-there fash-sense, which again could get her mistaken for a native Brit.





MADONNA: JUSTIFY MY LOVE
"Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another"...
OK: so legalize gear and crack ...



14 comments:

tut-tut said...

I hope you are doing well, Gled!

Gledwood said...

I'm repeatedly trying to steer away from heroin and not quite succeeding: but otherwise I'm fine...

Puss-in-Boots said...

Nice for you to catch up with you mum and step dad. Makes a bit of a change for you, doesn't it? How did the robos take being left on their own? Probably enjoyed not being poked with a chopstick...

Gledwood said...

O they were ecstatic... I only do the chopstick poking thing on Sundays ;->...

btw they love nibbling the end

my Russian hamsters were "assertive" enough to nibble hard enough that I could pick one up, right up. But he would alwyas let go within half a minute, which kind of ruined the trick

wish we'd had youtube back then...

Queenneenee said...

Hey Mr. Gleds~So nice to hear that you're visiting with the Mummy. Cherish that time with her, I lost mine way to early (age 57) and I regret not spending more time with her when she was well. Just my 2 cents! Be well my friend.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ I hope you enjoyed seeing your Mother and step-dad for
a brief while for coffee and nibbles. Thanks for your comments and it is hard to believe that India had a 40 C in Winter. They are close to the Equator, so perhaps that is why. 40C is 104 F. Thanks for your memories of India. Take care of yourself, my friend. Love and Best wishes, Merle.

Anonymous said...

Hello Gledwood. So nice to meet you. Forgive me for taking entirely too long to stop by and say hi :)

Akelamalu said...

It's nice that you and your Mum get together. :)

Gledwood said...

QUEENEE: I try and bear that in mind at all times, I take your point

MERLE: It must have been over 100F ~ we'd been in the country 3 weeks and were acclimatized by then... also Madras/Chennai is on a darker red swirl on the climate map and that's right - it was noticably hotter than Goa all the time, not just that extreme one day... Glad you didn't melt in 114F!

KRISTIN: that's OK you're welcome here any time...

AKELAMALU: ;->...

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds I had to take a look at the Gaga video, music's catchy reminds me of a hybrid mix of Boney M and Eurovision song contest ;)

Anonymous said...

So the forgien girl behind the counter? What country do you think she was/is from?

What do Brits really think of American's? Girls and stupid men!

I love reading your blog so much, because I can just hear your accent while reading you posts.

I sometimes read them aloud, using my horrid British accent.

I'm a loser. LOL!

Baino said...

At least you only have pigeons. We have these massive Egyptian ibis, particularly around the harbour . .always threatening to pinch your chips.

Gledwood said...

BIMBIMBIE: Eurovision is being revamped... since they let in most of Eastern Europe it's gone crazy with neighbouring countries voting for one another in cartel-like ways... now they're trying to change the voting procedure and have Britain take it more seriously with Andrew Lloyd Webber writing the songs... seriously!

ANNAGRACE: If you're a loser you're the most engaging loser I've ever met...

Do I really sound that British (??!?) ;->...

BAINO: Ibises threatening to pinch your chips?... I only know them as heirogliphics... the oddest mental imagery results...

Anonymous said...

ANNA GRACE: I forgot to answer your "where do you think she was from?" point ~ dur!

Well 10 yrs ago it would have been somewhere like Italy... now more likely Poland or Czech Republic...

If native-English speaking then most likely Australian followed by Kiwi, then South African, then Asian-British, then Canadian, then white "native" British...

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood