HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

LIVE FROM LONDON

Gledwoods deutscher Blog

Bitte hier klicken ...

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Mashed Potatoes Brains

THE SIZZLING'S GONE DOWN on my pre-heated brains, but they are still the texture of mashed potatoes. And the cold went away only for a "secondary infection" to set up home in its place. I am lucky: I have lots of hot, sweet tea. And vanilla creme Hobnobs.

I don't have a lot to say. All the time I feel behind time and needing to catch up on sleep I somehow lost... When I do sleep I dream. One of my last dreams was of rainbow fishes ~ which scuppers that theory that we only dream in black-&-white.

I have been at the drug service trying to put myself together. Or more to the point trying to learn ways of putting myself back together. All leading up to the inevitable day when I take a deep breath and finally take that plunge leaving heroin far behind...

The drug service say I look very "tired". I feel it as well!

I had a good rant and told them how I really feel. Barely treading water a lot of the time, not too much better than drowning. So I'm to go to some dual-diagnosis appointment or meating. I'm not sure when.

I haven't smoked cannabis-spliff in years and yet whenever I get these colds lately my head goes all a-curly, swirly round-round, a-stoned-like. How can this be when I avoid nasty THC like the plague? Well mashed potatoes to the lot of it. I've got to go I'm exhausted!

Fluffy-bozed airedale blog of the day: www.toaireisdivine.com/blog
Bea Bea the white dwarf hamster's blog...

AARGH!!: I really am LOSING IT! My favourite television programme these days is turning into Hollyoaks!

How times have changed. In my day dance music very very rarely had slick videos like this... unless the artists happened to know underground filmmakers who'd knock out imagery on the cheap...

14 comments:

Queenneenee said...

Hiya Gleds~Good that you had a chat and told them how you've been feeling. They can't help if you don't let em know! I hope the dual-diagnosis meeting goes well. Sometimes we (I know I belong to this club)need treatment in addition to drugs. Dual is where its at-the other illnesses we have are probably the reason we picked up and ran with it in the first place. Oh and thanks for your support on my end lately as well. Its much appreciated.

Gledwood said...

you're welcome
I'm in trepidation on what on earth they're going to say re this dual diagnosis thing...

Syd said...

I hope that the meeting goes well. I've read that about 50% of alcoholics/addicts are bi-polar. Hang in there.

Gledwood said...

I once read in a self-diagnostic test thing that I was on a "bipolar spectrum" thing...

Melody said...

My counselor told me that bi-polar has become a very popular term and that sometimes psychs use it for lack of anything else or because they're too lazy to dig deeper.
I suppose all you can do is try and get the best evaluation possible, incorrect meds are a nightmare.
My psych is useless but I go see a new one today, hopefully this one won't be a condescending ass.
Psych AND counselor yay!
I hope you feel better....damn that's sounds generic.

~Melody Lee

Celticspirit said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. Good luck with your appointment and I hope you feel better.
Peace to you.

Baino said...

Ah every little bit helps I guess Gleds, nothing ventured and all that. Sorry about the chest infection, make sure you finish your course of antibiotics!

B.T.Bear (esq.) said...

CREME HOBNOBS!!!
SKRUMPSHUS!!!!

They even featured on wun of my videos- here! Have a look!

http://bobs-diary.blogspot.com/2008/03/hullo-agen-mummys-blogged-abowt-biskits.html

Oops I didn't embed that very well. Never mind. Have a look, it's worth it!

BOY was I glad when they brought the Dark Chocolate Hobnobs back!!!

:@}

Hullo, by the way.
Your ears look nice an rownd, like mine.

Liz said...

Hollyoaks?!! You need help, gleds! I thought Neighbours was bad enough ...

Jeanette said...

Gday Gleds,,Its a start talking about drugs so hopefully your on the road to recovery.I hope the dual-diagnosis meeting goes well.
Get well soon make sure you continue to take the full course of antibotics.. take care Gleds .... Jen

Gledwood said...

Melody: I think bipolar is used as something of a catch-all diagnosis nowadays, too. On an internet self-diagnose thing I came out as easily "bipolar spectrum". I don't know about clinically bipolar but I do have and, specially before the opiates, did have quite pronounced moodswings like ligh and low tides. Up as well as down. Also I've tended to hyper-respond to antidepressants in a "hypomanic" type way. The people who say "you're bipolar" or "acting manic" have all been either bipolar themselves or had close family members~~ which I found faintly "worrying"
The last antidepressant I took~mirtazapine~really did make me feel ILL...
I hope YOU feel better soon too!

CelticSpirit: cheers. the appt is next week now...

Baino: aye!

Gledwood said...

The Bear: I'm thinking of forming an "anti brown coloured things that don't really taste chocholatey" society and chocolate hobnob creams would be a prime target~~ they are the reason I go for vanilla ones. Vanilla ones actually are a (bit) vanillarey. "Chocolate" ones are barely chocolatey at all! Dark chocolate normal hobnobs rule!

Liz: oh come on Liz. Hollyoaks is great British pornocentric programming at its best. Hey they even cast the extras from model agencies... it's TV at it's beautiful, tawdry best!

Jan: hey long time no hear I'm glad you're OK having escaped the fires... how dreadful.
That meeting is next week now after probably I messed it up turning up at the wrong time, though it felt like a mindgame on their part at the time.
I shall post how it goes...

opop said...

情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, ut聊天室, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片, 愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網, 影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友,

免費A片, 本土自拍, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片, 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網, 日本A片, 免費A片下載, 性愛, 成人交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊,

fgeegf said...

做愛的漫畫圖片, 情色電影分享區, 做愛ㄉ影片, 丁字褲美女寫真, 色美眉, 自拍俱樂部首頁, 日本偷自拍圖片, 色情做愛影片, 情色貼圖區, 八國聯軍情色網, 免費線上a片, 淫蕩女孩自拍, 美國a片, 都都成人站, 色情自拍, 本土自拍照片, 熊貓貼圖區, 色情影片, 5278影片網, 脫星寫真圖片, 粉喵聊天室, 金瓶梅18, sex888影片分享區, 1007視訊, 雙贏論壇, 爆爆爽a片免費看, 天堂私服論壇, 情色電影下載, 成人短片, 麗的線上情色小遊戲, 情色動畫免費下載, 日本女優, 小說論壇, 777成人區, showlive影音聊天網, 聊天室尋夢園, 義大利女星寫真集, 韓國a片, 熟女人妻援交, 0204成人, 性感內衣模特兒, 影片, 情色卡通, 85cc免費影城85cc, 本土自拍照片, 成人漫畫區, 18禁, 情人節阿性,

aaaa片, 免費聊天, 咆哮小老鼠影片分享區, 金瓶梅影片, av女優王國, 78論壇, 女同聊天室, 熟女貼圖, 1069壞朋友論壇gay, 淫蕩少女總部, 日本情色派, 平水相逢, 黑澀會美眉無名, 網路小說免費看, 999東洋成人, 免費視訊聊天, 情色電影分享區, 9k躺伯虎聊天室, 傑克論壇, 日本女星杉本彩寫真, 自拍電影免費下載, a片論壇, 情色短片試看, 素人自拍寫真, 免費成人影音, 彩虹自拍, 小魔女貼影片, 自拍裸體寫真, 禿頭俱樂部, 環球av影音城, 學生色情聊天室, 視訊美女, 辣妹情色圖, 性感卡通美女圖片, 影音, 情色照片 做愛, hilive tv , 忘年之交聊天室, 制服美女, 性感辣妹, ut 女同聊天室, 淫蕩自拍, 處女貼圖貼片區, 聊天ukiss tw, 亞亞成人館, 777成人, 秋瓷炫裸體寫真, 淫蕩天使貼圖, 十八禁成人影音, 禁地論壇, 洪爺淫蕩自拍, 秘書自拍圖片,

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood