HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Sick!

I AM ILL, RUN-DOWN, DEPRESSED... my head spinning, I can hardly face getting out of bed. And there I was yesterday ranting about the greatness of Maggie Thatcher. Perhaps I have finally cracked. May I say in mitigation: I only fessed up to having thought HER marvellous. Not her policies. I am that entity political parties value the most: the floating voter (or non-voter ~ I don't bother any more). My beliefs occupy a centre-ground covered by all three major parties: Liberal, Labour, Conservative ~ so I could vote for any one of them. When I did vote I tended to cast protest votes for the Greens because I think it would be nice if we still had trees etc in the future. Most of their policies, in actual fact, I disagree with... If we'd only had Monster Raving Loony or Whiplash candidates in my bourgeois boroughs I'd have cast my Xs there.

Well as I said I am temporarily indisposed. It is not even a common cold, just a cobwebby smoker's throat. And I feel ill all the time. Depressed all the time. Despair has crashed all over me in a breaking tsunami.

For months now I have had the itch to put pen to paper and scribble out a pageturning record-breaking international bestselling novel. I had the theme (nothing at all to do with drugs) and a sketchy outline of a story but hadn't resolved how to tell it (nor indeed how exactly it ended). As I did say before (convincing myself more than preaching to you) I know what works for me as a writer: that is I like to know where I'm going. I plan out the entire plot as a sketchy list in my head. If I do write it down, it would occupy one or two sides of A4. I always know where I'm going at least three chapters in advance in some detail. The one I'm working on I plan out shopping-list style almost paragraph by paragraph. This is my "mould". I pour in the words ~ these come usually fairly easy. It's not knowing what to say that gets me stuck. And page by page a book is born...

The opening I sketched out last year (and it was a rushed sketch ~ it never engaged me, my heart was never in it) I have dumped and started again. I've only done maybe three printed pages (at most) but it's a start. This time I feel the magic. I know how the story should be told. This at least gives some hope for the future.

Now they do they "feed a cold; starve a fever" and being as my malady is more like a common cold I've indulged in this advice enthusiastically nibbling my way through the chavtastic new ranges at Iceland. "Chav" is a relatively new word in this country and means something like "white trash". Yesterday I had roast beef dinner for £1.75. The kind of platter you might expect from a pretty bargainacious pub with industrially crisped roast potatoes and thin-sliced meat. Not bad: though a rugby-player could easily have eaten two.

Now I'd better go. I'm too exhausted from my literary efforts. Last night I did 2 entire paragraphs! Yes! More than enough to fill the back of a fag packet. Talking of fags I've only had one today so my body's still in semi nicotine depletion. Plus hot sweet tea is calling me, along with the vulgar delights of morning TV. Righty-ho I must dash. Take care everyone.

While I'm on a fond nostalgia tip, here's two "songs" from my formative years I still find entertaining.

THE SHAMEN: EBENEEZER GOODE
This shameful drug song topped the charts in 1991 and believe it or not this is the best quality video I could get...



THE KLF FT TAMMY WYNETTE: JUSTIFIED AND ANCIENT
... "all bound for mu-mu-land..." ~ think that's where I'm going


29 comments:

Catvibe said...

Keep it up Gledwood. Don't get too bogged down in what you are trying to do, the hugeness of it, just write, as Annie said, Bird by Bird.

And I wish I could send you an uplifting note that would actually uplift, but I know that's hard to do. When you're down, up just looks like an eternity away. But I'm sending you good vibes anyway.

Merle said...

Dear Gleds ~~ I am so sorry you have been sick and hope you soon feel better. Then maybe you won't be so depressed. Thank you so much for your messages and concern for the dreadful fires in Victoria. There has been almost 200 dead and over 1000 homes destroyed, although they expect these numbers to increase quite a lot. Your idea of building fireproof cellars is a good one and I plan to contact the rebuilding people with the idea.
Take care of yourself, my friend
with very best wishes, Merle.

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Liz said...

I hope you get over your cough soon, gleds, and can lift yourself out of the trough.

And get writing! I'm telling myself the same thing. I actually have had an opportunity to work on my novel today - and I've been too scared.

Gledwood said...

Catvibe: thanks for the vibes I am taking strength as we speak...

Merle: I was shocked to see how little was left of the houses bar the chimney-stacks... that is the disadvantage of building in wood. I know they would say a fireproof cellar would starve of oxygen or the door threaten to mould shut but I'm sure there's ways of getting round that, specially if they could come up with a standard format for every new house it would be cheaper as well

Anon: anata-no Nihongo wakarimasen!

Liz: I know that fear... best of luck to you too

Syd said...

Hope that you feel better. Rest and more rest.

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Hi there! I too would have liked to send you an uplifting note, but it probably wouldn't make much of a difference.

I think we could all do with winter being over and a little sunshine in our lives at the moment. Keep on keepin on and don't let yourself drown....

Akelamalu said...

Well two paragraphs IS a start! Great oaks from little acorns grow! :)

Bimbimbie said...

Pop some Vitamin C tablets.

Tea and biscuits are always a good mix and add pen and paper and keep that magic flowing.

I always thought Maggie had more balls than any male politician. Kept them in her handbag to show Queenie*!*

Baino said...

Personally, I'd like to send you one of our old computers so you don't have to write on the back of fag packets. Then, didn't one of John Lennon's serviettes go for a fortune somewhere because he wrote a lyric on it? Feel better Gleds!

Jeannie said...

Feel better soon.

Interesting word Chav - sounds a bit like the gypsy "chavvy" hmmm

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Poor Gleds. What you need is some Sicilian red onion soup!

AnnaGrace said...

Margret Thatcher was a saucy minx.

About your novel. Your much more talented than I, at writing, which in turn makes me feel as tho I will never suceed if you don't.

I must admit, I was in the middle of writing my memoir(about my drug use of course) and suddenly the muse left me. Right in the middle of the fucking book.

So I stopped working on the book for four or five months, and then without the muse, I wrote the rest of the book. First draft mind you, but at least its in the bag. Now I just have to go back and shape it up so that when mommy's read my book to thier children before bed, encourageing them to become a junky like myself, it will keep their intrest.

Question, how do you go about getting a literary agent? When my book is polished and I send it off to publishers, I herd its hard to get a publisher to even look at it, if you don't have a literary agent.
Should I google literary agent, and see what pops up. Perhaps when I go back to school, I'll find out more about this publishing, and distributing part of being a writer.
Fuck Gledwood, we are the talent, but its the asshole agents, and publishers that get all the money after we pour our heart and soul onto page after page.
I know for a fact that you Mr. Gledwood will be an amazing author. I wll be sure to read your book. BTW, what is it about, if its not about drugs?

I've been thinking of writing another book, that has nothing to do with drugs, but drugs is what I think about, so somewhere in the book there is going to have to be a drug addict, or some sort of drug theme.
I find fiction is hard for me to write. My thoughts are so scattered, its hard for me to make up a story, and keep it on track, and have it make sense to the me, much less the reader.
I write non fiction because I know what happened and in what sequence, its just a matter of writing it out so the reader doesn't know what happened, and they keep turning the page to find out what does happen in the end. Does she live, or does she die of suicide or OD.

Write your book, slowly, or fast, however you feel you must go about it, but write the damn book.

May the muse be with you.

gledwood said...

Syd: cheers; I slept most of this evening :->...

Eileen/Reeny: I'm treadin' water nicely thank you!

Akelamalu: aye you're right there, that's exactly how I did it last time

Bimbimbie: I've had vitamin c, ta. I think it does help prevent colds but isn't necessarily much use once they've begun. This isn't even a cold it's just my throat and I feel the 2nd day of an adventure holiday feeling... acheing all over!

I don't think HM could handle Mrs T. They say the Queen has "barely put a step wrong" the entire course of her reign but she's also been so very conservative (definitley with a little c) I get the impression that unless she really feels passionately on an issue she only ever goes with the flow...

gledwood said...

Baino: I saw the man in the internet caff selling "something" computer-like in a black bag for £20. Not sure it was strictly a kosher deal and I don't want something that's disappeared from someone's living room when they were out working for a living

my Mum might possibly have a spare computer, but I need something in fully working order. I'm absolutely lost when it comes to cobbling things together or performing technical "surgery"...

when I buy one as I probably will, I'll get a new laptop by a good name like HP or Dell ~ with wifi so I can post online free from the library etc

Jeannie: it IS suposed to be a Romany gypsy word you are right! I think it said it in the "chav" link I gave there...

hey did you know "white trash" was supposed to have 1st appeared in print in Margaret Mitchell's Gone With The Wind...

Welshcakes: I would luurve some; you can email me if you like ;->...

gledwood said...

AnnaGrace: but it's not just how you say it, it's WHAT you say you might have 10x the story I have to tell

I wasn't comfortable with memoirs, it was hard to tell anything but my very own truth from the central perspective: all else had to be deliberately blurred or pasted together to tell what people were LIKE without telling too much of THEIR stories...

in the end I decided I wasn't too happy about being a "junkie writer" and decided I'd much rather cast out on a "clean" mainstream popular novel...

the addiction "research" is still there, all done, should it ever come up...

You know I never would have known you were insecure about your English unless you'd mentioned it a few times ~ I think these days as long as you can capture something close to how you might talk you will be ok ~ highfallutin' (see I don't even know how to spell that) language is not necessary

Naomi Joy said...

Don't get discouraged! Keep your head up! Hope you feel better soon.

gledwood said...

AnnaGrace: LITERARY AGENTS ~ sorry I missed the question.
Right this is what I would do.
Make a list of agents according to their track record promoting bestselling writers of the type of stuff you've written
There is a book here called the Writers' and Artists' Yearbook or something like that, it has all the contact details.
What I did before (gave up bc in the end I didn't think what I'd written was good enough and would rather start again... it took 12 years but here I am!!)
I wrote a brief letter outlining what my book was about (only a few paragraphs) and asking whether anybody at the agency would be interested in looking at it
E.g. a top agency in America is Janklow & Nesbitt associates but you're unlikely to get Morton Janklow or Lynn Nesbitt as your agent (in fact, nearly impossible as an unknown) but they employ lots of other less famous agents who may well be into taking something on. I got in touch with an agent there by phoning up saying "is there anyone taking on new writers" and got put through to a young new agent. This was their New York branch.
In London I have written letters to top agencies offering the book. About 1 in 2 asked to see an outline and 3 sample chapters
The feedback I got was that my 200,000 word tome was "just slightly short of professional quality"
which spurs me on because I was in my early 20s when I wrote it

The best book I had on creative writing said writers expect to sit down with no training, no experience and knock out a successful book first time without serving an apprenticeship. Getting rejected IS an apprenticeship, then eventually as you get more experience things will "click"...

By the way youth is no barrier to success in publishing ~ I just think in my case it was. Honestly back then I was CLUELESS

gledwood said...

Naomi: thanks

btw how are YOU you said something bad had happened ... I didn't want to question you, I felt all in good time you might say ...

Puss-in-Boots said...

There's nothing like the common cold to make one feel absolutely rotten, Gleds. I have an OJ every morning, winter and summer and haven't had a cold for years. I also eat plenty of fruit and veg, but whether this contributes to the lack of a cold or not, I don't know.

Glad you're feeling the spark igniting in your writing. Keep it up.

I quite like that Tammy Wynette song "Justified and Ancient", it's so unlike her usual country stuff.

Take care.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

I think I am like you with the writing process. My advice to both of us is to just get going. Try getting the first chapter done. As we try to put it down, problems in our stroy line will present itself for correction. Hope you will feel better soon.

Linda S. Socha said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Linda S. Socha said...

I love your writing style. I have been coming over to your blog in my mind for a couple of weeka and today I finally make it in the company of my mouse.

KEEP WRITING..I say that with some confidence that this will pass. Have just spent 3 week with bronchitus and now feel as if I will survive and perhaps even prosper, I know it will likely pass.

I have worked...and still am at time ...thinking...ok... 5 minutes at a time. I have decided that if things smell good it can't be all bad...so I light a lot of candles.
I believe one answer for me is connection...so I try to connect where I find myself.

Take care friend
Linda

Noah said...

So I went and looked at the dinners that Iceland has on their webpage and I must say that the price is right. Here you get roughly the same thing for $5.00. Everything is so damned expensive! But the food looked quite good actually but as we all know looks can be deceiving. After I cook something like that in the microwave(mikey) it seldom looks like the illustration on the box. Usually much smaller portions and the veggies have overlapped into the main entree. Uck. Anyway I don't eat too often and when I do it's always something sweet like cereal, toast, or M&Ms.

junkylife.com/naomi said...

i love E.Goode I have been listening to this for the past two months on my Ipod. my sister reminded me of it and good old youtube let me find it in an instant by typing in the beginning bit (a great philosipher once said...) and it came up. and in the recommended bit down the side it had all the classics from the era; i got the key, mr vain, rainbow to the stars etc. etc. what a corker!
Iceland... we used to have one in the town centre but it closed down (i used to love my sara lee chocolate gateus from there; 2 for some rediculous price) and now the only one left is in the red light area and thats too far to walk. anyway, im trying to get to grips with blogger doing a layout for my domain. ill get there. hope all is well x

Gledwood said...

PussinBoots: I think she was getting old then... tho I have to say I'd have taken up the same offer, why not? She died quite suddenly, starring in a popular US daytime soap (the likes of which would never get played in a 1000000 years over here we hate that stuff!)

LoneGrey: yeah you are right hey i spelled that write then. durr/freudian
right: I'm TRYING to get a fairly good ch1 done. keep in in the can. write the rest. after a certain time the real bug kicks in and your book's rocking.
from then FORWARD surgery may be required, from then on only minor cuts/tidying
that's my philosophy...

Linda: thank you ;->...

Noah: I've a confesion: the dinner illustrated is nearest I could FIND to Iceland's but nearly x2 as big... I did google iceland roast beef dinner and got the bizarrest nordic volcanic island connexions...

Naomi: Iceland is best for reasonably priced not entirely rubbish food I think... e.g. their 1/4 pounder burgers not bad also their half pre-done dinners not bad either and I'm not that easy to hoodwink. though i do luuurve MSG flavours too
best of luck with blogger it's quite easy to get the hang of in time
I wanted to do junkylife but didn't like the thought of an administrator judgingg what I say/deleting if i just happen not to post for a year... why should he?

Gledwood said...

NOAH: NO let me be fair to Iceland! They do at least feed me!! I'd say half as big again as the £1.75 RBD...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood