SOMETHING REALLY WEIRD HAS BEEN HAPPENING to me recently. First I get ill with, face it, not even a common cold. It was just a cough that's all. But man! It knocked me sideways like you would not believe. Tired. Dizzy. Wuzzy. Quite seriously depressed (with suicidal inclinations) and at the very depths my brain flipped like a pancake and I really went ga-ga for a while. Paranoid. I don't know whether I was hallucinating but I had daleks in my head. Thoughts blizzarded randomly about my brains like scatterings from a torn-up dictionary. It was like being unpleasantly stoned on uncalled-for cannabis-spliff. And I hate that stuff so much I've not voluntarily smoked it for the best part of five years (last time I did I was hearing voices on half a spliff: nasty). I haven't bought myself any for nearly 16 years.
Now I'm OK. I did make a serious attempt (yet again) at "no heroin" but was so very miserable it was ridiculous. Life felt so utterly valueless and meaningless once I'd gone a couple of days and let the heroin level (but I was taking methadone in compensation) slid out of me. I don't need to take much heroin at all (as I say I'm on a methadone script and have been for ages) but the little bits I do have (not even every day) compensate for what methadone does not do. Lots of people complain of a flat mood on methadone, but with me I feel depressed out of my mind. I'm starting to think I really need to get some proper "help" ie of the "psychiatric" sort (not just counsellors' interferences either. I need someone who knows what they're doing. Because if something is actually "wrong" with me, and I've had periods of crushing low mood since I was about 10, it's never properly been diagnosed.
Now suddenly I'm coasting up high. I feel lovely. No it's not just because I had heroin yesterday. I've had heroin on thousands of days and it never did this to me. This is the old high I used to get when drugs weren't in my system. Though it feels like a sparkle of ecstasy/cocaine/speed in my system I'm not sweating or heartbeating or anything like that. I think it's what doctors label that rare state: being happy..!If you want to look at it another way, one of the popular science type books I used to have on depression and mood probs used to say lots of people have a pre-disposing temperament to depression. There were three such temperaments: 1. dysthymic ~ miserable all the time 2. hyperthymic ~ energetic, "hyper" and bubbly (can also be irritable) and 3. cyclothymic ~ constantly yoyoing between the two extremes, just like the tides of the sea. Of course everyone has good days and bad days and fluctuating energies but this is more extreme than "normal" but milder than "bipolar". This last one would be me.
Big big big irony of ironies. When I found heroin I was so "happy" I had no heavy depression for about two years. I noticed straight away opiates had a flattening effect on mood. But isn't it typical that what they did most effectively of all was to block the natural waking up on cloud 9 highs. And eventually depression did creep back.
Well whatever. I don't require a label to validate my existence and I've become increasingly cynical over the years that some psychiatry is merely medicalizing normality. But today I'm happy¬! And it's great!!
PS: ASHFORD CASTLE, Co Mayo, Ireland ~ they say an Englishman's home is his castle, well that's my ideal home ...
NOBODY TOLD ME...
I like this old Lennon tune...
WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST MOBILE PHONES COMMERCIAL
THIS IS CLASSIC! My friend Valium Marilyn laughs like her when she's impersonating the screechy gypsy lady who haunts the benches outside our local library. Valium Mal does this right to Gypsy's face and Gypsy's never yet clocked...
12 comments:
Ain't nothin' wrong with being happy now is there? I see the constant ups and downs with my son. The suicidal thoughts scare mw the most. I feel your pain mister. I hereby "will" you more of these happy days. Now you gotta cause I said so.
Where's Naomi?
Have the fascists gagged her?
xk
I think that I was born 'hardwired' for depression. I have tend to swing between being ok and having pretty crappy days when all I want to do is curl up with the covers over my head and hide. I have tried a roster of anti depressants and have finally and permanently decided never to go down that road. Glad to hear you are feeling better ;)
Enjoy being happy! Don't spend so much time analyzing that you forget to just enjoy.
in the words of Mozza:
Is it wrong not to always be glad?
No it's not wrong but I must add, how can someone so young sing words so sad?
Anyway, I know what you mean... W.Burroughs described it as 'everything seems flat' when you're clean (and in his day they had to take the cure, no methadone, subs etc).
Well I'm back on my subbies. I told a dealer to f*** off after he kept me waiting 2 days and had the cheek to say i didn't 'respecKK' him cos I wanted to know when he was planning to deliver. I deleted his number and took my medicine (was feeling quite sick by then). And suddenly felt full of life. had a bath, felt great again for not giving in and waiting another fruitless night.
- though didn't delete the others numbers - you never know, my designated chemists might get burned down/blown up. don't want to leave your fate in any one persons hands when you're this way. used to being let down at some point.
I am lucky though, I can take my mind off it with other things I love. not easy. have to pretend it doesn't exist. if it's been a big part of your life and the thing you did to celebrate, grieve... it's been there for every moment and feeling it's like loosing a limb.
My best pal keeps asking me if i got money and can i get him some. got to at least make it till friday for my test and pay my council tax. so many debts. he says I find it easier than him but that's not true, i just know this is as bad as i can bear.
anyway, too much to say.
still, worried about Naomi, thought you might know if she's ok. her blogg been taken down. i really liked her blog and like you at least she's in the uk even if not in London (im in hackney).
chin up sweetie.
xkellyx
I have to agree with everyone on this. Being happy and content with yourself is something, we rarely do as human beings. With all the bad things going on in the world, being happy is something we just don't allow ourselves to feel, because in a weird way it makes us feel guilty. You know what I mean? But to hell with it Gled...you deserve a little happiness in your life. Enjoy it to the fullest and make sure you show off that smile!
erm, i have to be a bit controversial here. its also ok/normal 2 nb miserable.
i would get major guilt trips if i bought a bag and my pal would say you're going to ruin it for yourself, enjoy the moment'.
the same applies to when you dont have it. be glad that some arsehole isn't profiting outrageously from your bind. try to find/discover other things that make you happy even if it's a ham shank.
But, saying that, don't beat yourself up for being low. it's a phase, it can't last forever. we all have to feel down. the gear stopped me from crying. i found it physically impossible and that wasn't a good thing. as well as normal constipation, I was emotionally constipated too. when i stopped all these floods came out. it's natural to feel sad, wallow in it a little, revel in it, listen to all your fave miserable songs then hopefully, at some point you can laugh at yourself for being so dramatic.
if it does go on and on though and your thoughts turn to your mortality, please do get some help. i don't care how much of a big man you think you are. i've been on anti-depressants a wee while now and i'll keep on them as long as i need it. no pressure. don't care what others think, through with that.
take care of yourself. find something positive whether you're on or you're off - if you can't there's a good reason for it and you just have to ride/sleep thru to the next bit.
xxKelly
Glad you're happy, though that was a kind of bittersweet post, I don't know.
Like you were shocked that it could happen.
Never lose site of the small beauties.
excellent that you're having a happy day. Excellent that you're using less and not so often. I guess all avenues are worth exploring. If you think a psyciatrist might help . .go for it.
Ah ha! it was you who took my happy huh? You can have it for a bit but I want it back soon.
Well, I hope the happy experience keeps happening for you, Gleds. Good luck.
this post made me smile. I'm glad that you're happy. Enjoy the day. I hope that the happy days come more frequently. hang in there.
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