HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, February 02, 2009

Snowball Mondays Again!

BUT NOT THE DRUGGIE (HEROIN-CRACK INJECTION) TYPE: overnight it snowed transforming London Town into a winter wonderland... three to four inches deep (though it appears deeper, that's what was atop our wheelie-bins, making them look like a row of giant wedding-cakes)... traffic hushed, shusshing through the slush. Tescos (major supermarket chain) was closed till past eleven; my methadone chemist has only just opened with a line of desperate shivering junkies silhouetted in the still-falling, flurrying snow. Some other chemists, apparently, haven't opened at all and so their clients have had to come into an emergency methadone dispensing "surgery" at the drug service in the next borough along from me (I don't know what my borough's doing, though I'd hope it's the same...) London is divided into more than 30 boroughs... It's such a sprawling town in fact that even the locals take pride in being unable to locate or never having heard of areas where hundreds of thousands of people reside... Redbridge, Barnes, Forest Hill and Forest Gate are some that get me. Those last two are nowhere near one another and locals get really offended if you mix them up. (I've been to one to see a fluoro-haired trance-granny from my clubbing days. Even in Goa the travelling locals knew all about her when I asked after her to a much younger, prettier Kensington-posh looky-likey. "Oh her??!? She's a K-head and besides she doesn't have planets in her hair". (And this from a 26-year-old (acid) triphead who was forever ranting at the top of her croaky voice, her every anecdote commencing with "I'd been tripping for 3 days when..."...

Anyway back to MY drugs of the present-day. Yesterday I crossed another bridge. Clearing out my packed-to-bursting with vit c sachets, fresh "works", old "works", empty "works" packets, swabs, supposedly single-use druggie cooking up spoons (I'm the only person I know who uses them. I'm not blackening and bending my new Ikea spoons, no way...)

... Anyway I threw out loads of trash, and, when the drawer was done, had my three old crack bottles lined in a row. They were all miniature Martell brandy bottles with the bottoms knocked through (you can do this in a second with a screwdriver, and though it would seem this might shatter the entire thing, a neat pipe-worthy hole is popped out of the bottom). Then you shove squiggly washing-up wire in the top and ~ bang! ~ you're ready to "rock"!

So I gazed at these rather pinefully for a while. No chance of even the tiniest bit of recycle from any one of them: they've been obsessively scraped, poked and "chugga'd" out a million times while I was high... And taking one in each hand, I smashed them together, reducing both to smithereens and dashed the last one on my tiled kitchen floor.

I did feel faintly sad at having burned this bridge, though I've barely a single happy memory of crack, or any manner of cocaine ~ except I did love banging it up concocted with heroin, the famous speedball or snowball. I loved those; used to think they were yummy...

... But no more. And now we've real snow outside.

Waking up, shivering and a bit sweaty, thinly held by a late night dose of methadone, I've never been so displeased to see snow. I tramped outside cussing myself for oversleeping, cussing the weather and generally acting like a grouchy old man (if/when I actually do get old at this rate I'm going to be insufferable..!)

Yes I did give in to the temptation of heroin, I'm afraid. Money Mondays are so difficult for me. But coke ~ the druggie "snow" ~ is and always shall remain a mixed-up dimming remnant of my past...

Fascinating documentary on Channel 4 last night: THE MADNESS OF BOY GEORGE ~ all about the New York community service episode, and his past life, including the heroin addiction but not the rent boy scandal that's got him serving 15 months for "false imprisonment" (with handcuffs)... excellent stuff.

MADONNA: OH FATHER
Continuing the snowy theme... Whatever you say about her, Madge does do great videos...
Hey can anybody stateside confirm for me whether this actually does play out there? It's the only embeddable version I could find but for copyright reasons only plays supposedly in the USA. It certainly doesn't play here... but for you Americans I thought you might like a "treat" (or something to make you puke, depending how you view the "Queen of Pop")...



BRITNEY SPEARS EVERYTIME
I'm not into Britney at all, but this is the only one that made any impression on me...

18 comments:

Catvibe said...

The only thing that bugs me about your site is how slow everything loads, and I have a high speed connection!

Back on the horse for you then? The photo of the dog with the needle in his mouth says it all. I'm sending you psychic strength for what it's worth. Addiction sucks major hose. You are courageous to write about the ups and downs of this battle.

Gledwood said...

I find it near-impossible to stay away from "horse" on Monday...

... thanks for the psychic Catvibes ;->...

I was going to say something else but it's gone

o yeah I know why my blog's so slow, there's too much on the page and I've got to shorten it and take out some of those many vidoes

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Enjoy the snow while you have it. I would love it too if it only happened to come by once every decade or so. Good job with the drugs yo ;)

Gledwood said...

Once a decade... are you in one of those areas with perma-snow each winter?

Hey do you get permafrost in Canada?

Deadbeaten said...

No permafrost in MY part of Canada - Vancouver is a rain forest, actually. Most of our winter precipitation falls as rain. We are the mildest region in Canada here. However, much further north (i.e. in the Yukon) permafrost abounds!

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

I am in Toronto and the past couple of winter's we have had ALOT of snow. I wouldn't go as far as to call it permanent but it stays around for a long long time. We are heading back into a deep freeze by midweek.

check this site out if you haven't already: www.fuckyoupenguin.com

AND give me more deets on what you want me to do for this meme, I am basic and don't get it...

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Before I forget, we have captive Capybara living in the High Park Zoo here which is 5 min from my homestead. I should go and take pics one of these day for you...

Akelamalu said...

Well getting rid of the crack paraphernalia is a good start! :)

It's been snowing here all day but I don't think we've had as much as you in London. We're sheltered by the Pennines. :)

Baino said...

You know that if you can miss a dose on Monday's you've made a MAJOR breatkthrough. Are you just using on Monday? If so, that's amazing. Although getting rid of the paraphanalia is a big start for you Gleds. Nup, Madge doesn't load in OZ.For that I am truly thankful. 42 on the weekend here and I don't mean farenheit! Send snow Stat stop.

Bimbimbie said...

Yes echoing Baino ... congrats on the clear out of your tools. I was wondering if Monday was the only day too?

As for Madge, I think I've told you I'm not a huge fan but my fav clip of hers would have to be ... Frozen*!*

steveroni said...

Madge plays in Florida. Good show. Thanks

Jeannie said...

Toronto has had more snow than usual but T.O. doesn't get nearly the snow that we get 100 km west and we don't get the amount they get 100km north. I used to live in the snow belt. No permafrost here - that would be way up North. I haven't been even close.

Better luck next Monday.

Lucinda said...

Glad to hear that you're not going to back to crack, it's a good change!
= )
I'm proud of you!

Homo Escapeons said...

Well I must confess that I wasn't quite prepared for this but I get the sense that you are a determined gifted person with an incredibly courageous mandate.

I am from Whateverpeg in the centre of Canada where Winter is always downright medieval on our ass..so we kvetch like hell but we're secretly bragging about how tough we (think)are.

The last time that I was ever around H was back in the 70s when I worked in a Downtown Bar while I was still in High School. A couple of times I hung out with the users at some after-hours party...which freaked me out but I never had the urge to experiment. It was quite an experience for a dazzling suburbanite to mingle with a few Vietnam Vets and Hookers...but I managed to get to know them a little and caught glimpses of their inner ghosts.

It solidified my view that addiction is a medical issue and not some ridiculous legal winnable jihad.

I envsion the strategy meetings at the American War On Drugs HQ where all the old guys are sittin around smokin' cigarettes and drinking Scotch talkin' trash about Afghani Farmers and Mexican Mules and ignoring all the painful lessons about enforcing Prohibition back in the day of Elliot Ness.

If only the Conglomerates invested $55 Pickle-Dillion/yr on brain research instead of f*cking weapons. These damn monkey brains of ours are hardwired to repeat anything that feels good..and keep it comin'.

sorry I ramble...look forward to learning from you.

Gattina said...

Your comment on my blog made me laugh ! Yes, maybe I have a degree in German which I got as a toddler, because I am German, lol ! On the other hand it flatters me that my English apparently is not that bad, because you didn't realize that it is NOT my mothertongue, lol !
Yes, yesterday I got a nervous breakdown when I opened the stores because it was AGAIN all white outside ! I hate snow in the city it looks so dirty ! Even my cats were scandalized !

Vincent said...

Courageous of you to get rid of the crack bongs mate.

Every time your comment pops in to my inbox I quickly look at your Gabbly thing but you're already gone I think....

I hope you're doing well :-) I wish we could have some snow hehe

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood