HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, February 01, 2009

It's Snowing!

THE AIR IS CRISP, the hum of traffic hushed. And all around, spiralling, flurrying ~ the tiniest snowflakes you ever did see!

None of it's settling on the grey pavements of London ~ that would be far too romantic for this clapped-out town. But hey it is nice to have some noteworthy weather for a change.

Other good news: I only slept about eight hours last night! Perhaps the fact I was curled foetal-wise in a whirlpool of a nest didn't help prolong unconsciousness; but then again I felt quite comfortable.

Tomorrow, Monday, is a test day and I make no bones about succeeding because I never have before. Despite all the best intentions and resolutions a week ago tomorrow I found myself in a room full of junkies waiting for the best dealer to switch on. And though I protest I don't want this life, unless I actually do something by myself, I'm like a prisoner rattling his chains as if that makes him more free...

O well. Tomorrow as they say is another day...

19 comments:

Jeannie said...

I agree that Monday is a bad day. Get all the comforts you can ready and hope for miserable weather so perhaps you can talk yourself out of going out in it. You will be able to get through it some day after all, and tomorrow could be the Monday that breaks the back of your addiction.

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I echo what Jeannie wrote. And I offer you all of the snow I have around me that covers laen, deck, house, sidewalk, street, cars, etc. OK?

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Wishing you success facing up to Monday. One Monday at a time.

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

You can have the snow that has been on our city streets for over a month if you like....

Akelamalu said...

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, I hope it is the start of you kicking your habit. x

Crushed said...

It snowed here today as well, actually.

Good luck with the rattling!

Bimbimbie said...

Let's hope the snow keeps falling and carpets overnight so deeply that you can't get out your door Monday morning *!*

Baino said...

Have you not used for two weeks? If so, that is nothing less than magnificent. Use those chains to keep you indoors! Good luck. (I slept about 4 hours last night thanks to the head! GAH!)

AnnaGrace said...

I hope Tomorrow...Monday, February Second is a good day for you, for it is my 26th birthday. This is the first birthday that I'm actually wish would not happen. I do not want to grow old.
For you, I hope you stop rattling those chains, and find the key to unlock the chains and be free. That would be a wonderful birthday present for me. We both know you can't do it for someone else, you have to do it for yourself. So do it for yourself.

Easier said than done. Fuck I can't do it myself. I'm nodding out writing this comment.

I really admire your words Glendwood...if they were to stop I would be sad. I love Brits, and I surly love my e-friend Glendwood.

Break a leg, because I believe wish someone luck in quiting H, is bad luck, so I use break a leg out there not using H, or any kind opiate.

Stay strong, as strong as you can. Read a fucking book that inspires you to write more, to give me something to read on my birthday.
happy getting clean day.

Okay, okay...I'm ending this comment. I sound like a NA meeting. Pointless. I really want the best for you. Tormented as you are.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

I hope you get some pretty snow, GLeds. Will be thinking about you tomorrow - I mean today! x

Puss-in-Boots said...

I suppose the flakes melt before they touch the pavement. Fresh snow just brightens and cleans everything up, doesn't it, Gleds.

Well, yes, tomorrow is another day and I hope you survive this one. Good luck with it all.

Bimbimbie said...

Hi there Gleds ... I was just about to log off for the night ... did you get any snowfall overnight?

Mizpeh said...

Where are your wellies, Gleds!? :-)

Gledwood said...

JEANNIE: I had to go out in the flamin' snow... o and my incredibly bright worker's put me on daily methadone pick up ~ yeah to make staying away from dealers even harder thanks a lot Maple Syrup

NICK: Thank you: I got the snow. Loads and loads of it!!

LONEGREY: cheers but it went as expected ~ I used. In fact the chemist was shut for hours so I "had no other option" as I excused it to myself

EILEEN/REENY: the snow's here! Landed overnight and settled in a hushed blanketing carpet over everything.... hmmm

Gledwood said...

AKELAMALU: no sadly not but ta for the thoughts

CRUSHED: i did rattle a bit but fucked up right back to heroin OF COURSE... I'm me, aren't I~???

BAINO: no: 2 days I'm afraid

BIMBIMBIE: I appreciate the thought but that would also keep me from the magic methadone...
{:-<...

Gledwood said...

ANNA GRACE: NA isn't pointless (though it can be trying when people get too happyclappy touchyfeely: know what I mean. And I can't stand the hugs at the end I've fled many a meeting early just to get out of that bit I hate being touched at the best of times. Also I find "hugs not drugs" ridiculous ~ 1st time I ever had fun on drugs it WAS the Hug Drug Ecstasy!!!

Have a very happy 26th and thanks for all the thoughts I'm glad my blog speaks to someone

WELSHCAKES: we did get lovely snow

and of course I've used already ~ what can I say

PUSSINBOOTS: oddly they didn't melt this time. We got about 3 inches or maybe 4 in the night and it's been snowing (the tiniest roborovski-flakes) a lot of the day...

BIMBIMBIE: yes¬! It's probably nighttime your end now too: quarter to five pm gmt would be the dead of night in Queensland, right?

MIZPEH: no idea ~ I've not worn wellies in donkeys'!

Bimbimbie said...

Yep dead of night ... would have been quarter to three am, just a couple of hours before I gets up.

Sounds like you are running the risk of turning into Victor Meldrew ... just don't go exclaiming "I don't believe it" when you are feeling grumpy*!*

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood