HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Why I Tread Carefully Around NA...

I BOUGHT A CHEESECAKE FROM ICELAND that I don't want to eat till later in the week ~ so I was thinking of stashing it in our front garden under all that snow. Wah-waaah!!

Hey did you know we got supposedly the deepest one-day snowfall in two decades? According to the Metro London newspaper the average depth was eight inches across the capital (no wonder the nasty bendy buses weren't running. The only good thing about them is, the very first time you get on one, riding stood dead central with one foot placed in the front section, the other in the back ~ and ~ woo! ~ feel those corners swing! (little things; little minds..!) Anyway, perhaps I live somewhere unusually warm or weird, because our snowfall was little over four inches (10cm) but hey ~ that's deep enough to bury a roborovski (all manner of bizarre snowy hamster games pop pingingly into my head now: Don't do it! They'll freeze!!)

The following is from a comment I left at L's blog last night... She was talking about having had a drink after two months clean of a heroin/oxy habit:


You're talking about breaking your sobriety 60 days and I get where you're coming from: but ask yourself this, was alcohol a part of your using when you were on the heroin and oxycondom (whatever the stuff's called)~?

I've been to enough NA meetings over the years to get a fair idea of what the Fellowship is about. I have the big Blue Book (their "Basic Text" in hardback ~ got it on tick and still haven't paid the "literature man" from my old "home" meeting back... By the way, in this country hardback and paperback both cost £8.75 so you might as well get the more durable version, because if you ARE going to do NA, you might find yourself turning to it a lot...) I even got myself a sponsor once ~ though THAT all fell through. He kept hammering at me to come off methadone when I'd barely been able to stop taking heroin and crack let alone start reducing the meth to zero. Talk about putting the cart before the horse.

I've noticed NA can attract people who take on it's deliberately simplified, rituatlized, repetitious sayings and customs basically not grasping at all what's behind them. Just parroting all this stuff out. I'm sure you've met folks like that yourself. I find the more catchphrases a person comes out with "God= Group of Druggies; Give up or Die" etc etc the more careful you gotta be of them.

Also this "all using is the same" is SO DANGEROUS. I've seen one guy relapse back to heroin and crack because he'd taken a sleeping pill. Of course 2 years clean was thrown to the wall, he had to hand in his service commitments at NA etc etc, felt he'd lost all he'd gained and BANG!... seriously I think that's such a potentially dangerous viewpoint

Also I get rather peeved by some of the silly phrases people come out with. I don't know if you get the same ones but "in the rooms" is one I hear a lot instead of just "at a meeting". Then they take the anonymity thing so far they can't even bring themselves to say CA or AA they have to say "at another fellowship" ~ I mean come ON! Then there's another guy who gives shares and chairs and goes on and on "drug of choice"... "my drug of choice this... that" without ever naming it. If he's a raving smackhead why can't he just say? So instead of hearing him I spend the entire time trying to figure out what precise drug of choice this might be. The whole meeting through I'm twisting and turning "this sounds like heroin... no he's talking about cocaine... I wonder if he was just snorting it"... etc and the point becomes lost under a welter of wonderings.

Don't get me wrong: I've been to NA enough times and over enough years to see that for those who do the programme ("it works if you work it") and keep coming back those 12 steps can produce wonders. I just believe a step backwards and a dash of circumspection is required at times. And though terminal druggies find it immensely difficult to do anything in moderation (now THAT is definitely part of the illness...) one would be wise to try and keep some sense of perspective, if one can, as one hurtles down the amazing waterslide (well that's how I see it) that is CLEAN and RECOVERING.

Yeah and it's something I ain't done yet that's for certain. C'mon folks: gimme some feedback, please~

17 comments:

Baino said...

Is hurtling down an amazing waterslide so bad? You're probably right about remaining circumspect but if it works and you're willing for it to work . . keep going. Can't you speak up and ASK what drug they're talking about? I've never been to a meeting so can't really speculate but hey, any help has to be good help even if approached with a healthy amount of cynicism.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

I've never been on a bendy bus, Gleds! I obviously haven't lived. Enjoy the snow and don't let the hammies freeze - as if you would!

Jeannie said...

Although I haven't a clue about the drugs, I also hate catch phrases. They are for stupid people. I think you are highly intelligent and repetitious twaddle insults your intelligence. That aside, The catch phrases are probably symbolic of an idea which it is important to latch on to. If you have read your book, I hope that deeper concept is explained.
Perhaps part of the difficulty of going clean is that you have to believe you can do it. But you have come to believe you are weak or you wouldn't be where you are. So you need to draw strength from somewhere else to make it. The catch phrases are like little prayers to the source of that extra strength. Use them or make up your own.
i.e.You mentioned before about some lovely expensive food that your robos love. So by not using, you then have the money to get them the best. If you can convince yourself of the correctness of this, then you could make up a mantra like: "Robos need seeds" or whatever might be meaningful for you. Reminding yourself of this at difficult times when you want to use may help you through it.
That's all I got.

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

I am probably talking out of my rear here, don't have any frame of reference for addictions but I did live with an addict once. Everytime he went to rehab or NA he would come back in worse shape because he would score at the meetings.....

I agree catch phrases are weak.

Enjoy the snow.

Coke Addiction Kinda Sucks said...

Yea, the NA meetings here in the U.S. are the same. I'm glad I'm not the only one that agrees that the catch phrases are not going to "save" you, and some of their assumptions are causing more damage than good. I've mentioned this before in my blog. Just the fact that they drill into your head the idea of "once and addict, always an addict" is dangerous. I know many people who swear by this. I beg to differ. I absolutely agree that MODERATION is the key. By their definition of an "addict", the weekend social drinker is an alcoholic, just as the weekend social pot-smoker is a drug addict. I think that's a bunch of bullshit. I think that everyone has their own personal limit, and that can be learned. I still use coke, but I've cut down to where my life does not revolve around it. And, as a student of psychology, I recall that "addiction" in psychological terms is when whatever you are addicted to starts interfering with your everyday ability to function. I also think there is a HUGE difference between when someone "uses" to escape from a miserable life and someone who uses just to have some fun.

Akelamalu said...

Having never been to a 'meeting' I haven't a clue what you're talking about Gleds. It may seem simplistic but if phrases work for some people isn't that OK?

Puss-in-Boots said...

That's a very interesting post, Gleds and I know what you mean by people using "social worker speak" as I call it. I was talking with one years and years ago and she kept saying "I hear what you're saying, I hear what you're saying". I got so annoyed with her in the end I told her to actually listen to what I was saying instead of interrupting all the time! For some reason or other, she was not amused and put on my record that I was uncooperative.

I don't know why people have to pussyfoot around a situation. I think it's all part of this stupid political correctness that the world has gone mad on now. And even that's carried to ridiculous extremes.

My Daughter's Addiction said...

I've never been to a NA meeting. Why does it have to be done in 12-steps, anyway? I would probably sit there trying to figure out how to do it in 10-steps...I would also wonder what the guys "drug of choice was" too for a while and then I'd get right back trying to figure out which 2 steps I could skip so I could do in 10-steps...

You just make me laugh...
oxycondoms!!!!!

Queenneenee said...

yea, oxycondoms cracked me up too Gleds. I go to AA and there are a lot of addicts that come. Some of them prefer AA over NA, a bit less "harsh" than an na meeting I guess. I agree with Jeannie, one of the rewards of sobriety is I got a helluva lot more cash in my pocket. Alcohol is MY "drug" of choice(or was!) and it is not expensive really but when you buy it in the quantities I was it gets quite costly. And then there's all the stupid shit I would spend money on as a result of poor choices I would make when I was using. There are MANY gifts of sobriety that I have received. This is only one of them. So anyway, I was gonna suggest you try an AA meeting or two. Its the same concept and you will usually find people with more "clean time" under their belt. Just a suggestion. I listen to and take suggestions, which is one reason why I have been successful this time in my recovery, as opposed to other times when I basically did NOTHING and I got NOTHING in return. I wish you the best my friend, oh and London made the FRONT PAGE of my local newspaper here in Connecticut, USA! A pic of the guards at the palace or some damn place over there! I thought of you when I saw it! Go make some snow angels!!!! And post some pics!

JP said...

Nonono!! Give me the cheesecake ;)

I heard it snowed up through Reading... Or was it more than that? I find my sources unreliable on a regular basis even if they do live in England.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ I hope you are thawing out after the snow around you. It has been an awful couple of weeks
and continues until next Monday
when we expect 26C - wonderful- 78 F
and the coolest day for weeks, so I may survive yet. Few 40s to get through first yet. I hope you are doing OK and I hope you enjoyed the
cheese-cake. Take great care, my friend. Love and best wishes, Merle.

Gledwood said...

Thanks people I have replied in today's post

Whitenoise said...

Gled, in the same manner that people often refuse to speak certain names, perhaps he doesn't want to say aloud the name of his drug. People are weird, and addiction brings out that weirdness.

The pat little catch-phrases- yes, annoying. But much of it encapsulates deeper meanings that the addict might not be ready for in his early stages of recovery. Yet, it gives him a rock to cling to, something to grab a hold of during the storm. Fake it 'til you make it. Somewhere, sometime futher along the process- things click.

gledwood said...

fake it till you make it
never heard that one before but I like it!

tinaraghul said...

Hi Nice Blog.SoberRecovery & SoberRecovery Community Forums lists hundreds of drug and alcohol treatmentcenters, drug addiction treatment and alcoholism treatment resources in the U.S.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood