HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, March 06, 2009

Horrific Childhood Monsters

RIGHT, SO I FINALLY had this nutnut test. I was in there an hour and a half and STILL no conclusion. The operative who took it (not a dr. I hasten to add) congregated questions round moods, thought process and childhood trauma. I googled the key words and the horror of dissociative identity saddo syndrome came up. Yes, I admit I do (sometimes, under stress especially) hear thoughts from other sides of my head filtering through, like a radio in the brain. No I was not sexually abused (which seemed to be the crux suspicion). Another dissociative thing that happens to me is, I can convince myself that anything, no matter how patently real it is, is not happening to ME. So all in all I went home feeling paranoid that the Operative was playing mind-games and laughing behind my back at my sad failure to even be a coherent person, let alone live one even mediocrely happy life. AND THAT'S THAT.
To add insult to confusion, in the midst of all this my New Drugs Worker (remember I said I thought she was working for her own ego and not for me) burst into the room three times in a row, demanding (the 1st time) "What are you doing talking to my client like this!?!" See ~ living in a madhouse is it any wonder I flip?
Then she busied in in the end with a doctor's appointment. I was far too exhaustedly compliant by this time to question what exactly FOR. Then she had a go at me for not attending groups and demanded what on earth is this interview here about. I said well I DID have depressive "experiences" since childhood... Oh but you're on heroin. Yes but childhood occurred EIGHTEEN YEARS EARLIER. I'm talking about depressed enough to obsess about death enough to nearly convince myself I WAS dying. That's fairly extreme. Hey! And another string to my psycho bow.
Well I'll update you next week for full entertainment!!
Cheerio~~

O AND BY THE WAY, TALKING OF CHILDHOOD MONSTERS: MICHAEL JACKSON YESTERDAY ANNOUNCED "RETIREMENT" (though he "loves you all" (his fans) CONCERTS AT LONDON O2 (mobile phone) arena...

Official "teaser"...



II: DOES MICHAEL JACKSON THINK HE'S GOD?
See this and see for yourself...
Also he hasn't done 750m albums. More like 100million solo. (Liar!) + Have you ever seen a line of 30-year-old grown men (probably) pee their pants like that??!?... Even if they ARE "Michael Jackson fans" (hey at least I'm not THAT mental...)




PS SOMEONE please reply to my horrid post and assure me this psyo-psyching isn't really real. Surely not!!

12 comments:

Gledwood said...

O COME ON ~~ SOMEONE SAY SOMETHING, PLEASE!!

Syd said...

Well, I don't think the post was horrid. You've gone to get tested so maybe there will be some results forthcoming. If you have felt depressed for years, then perhaps you have depression (not a brilliant deduction I admit). Anyway, talking heroin isn't going to help anything much in the psycho department. Hang in there until more results are forthcoming.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hi, Gleds. No, I don't think you're a nutter but the people assessing you may be! They like to suggest in-vogue disturbances. Now, if you believe you are going mad you will, so don't! You seem a perfectly normal, nice young man to me. Ok, you gotta weakness but who hasn't? At least you are open about it and are trying to overcome it. Don't beat yourself up, Gleds - there are plenty of self-righteous hypocrites out there willing to do that for you.

Jeannie said...

Most people who become therapists have issues themselves - that's why they are interested in the field - and they likely identify their own problems in other people. Don't worry or second guess or self-diagnose. While understanding why you might be using could help you in some ways, you will have to get over it anyway and do the hard bit of going without. I just hope they can give you support in ways that actually help.

WAT said...

I won't even try to dispense psychological advice on this one.

But I am going to comment on Michael Jackson. What happened?! WHAT HAPPENED TO SUCH AN AMAZING TERRIFIC GENIUS? HE WAS THA MAN BACK IN MY CHILDHOOD! THERE WAS NO ONE COOLER THAN HIM!

And then came the facial transformation, the odd skin, the child abuse allegations, the interview with Martin Bashir, and OH MY GOD.

It's so sad.

Baino said...

Persevere with it Gleds, you never know . . .very unprofessional of your drug worker to intervene like that, talk about professional jealousy. You stick to your own agenda and don't be swayed . . .they're trying to find answers to some impossible questions I'll bet.

As for Mr Jackson, there was some speculation as to whether that was actually him at the press conference . . dunno he looked a little more odd than usual to me and his teeth weren't 'straight'.

Vincent said...

Your case worker sounds like a TWAT! I feel sorry for you having to go through all this mate.

Tea N. Crumpet said...

My grandmother heard voices until they were able to get her on the right drugs. She came to live with us. I was a young aspiring psychiatrist and told her that I heard them, too-- but that i was hearing them tell her to bake cookies with Tea. I thought that I could help her by convincing her that they were saying other things that remarkably went. . . my way!

My parents only heard part of her and my conversation and they took me to her doctor who could barely succeed in keeping a straight face as I explained how I was helping him. I was asked to please wait until I was out of college to help anyone and that while my intentions were good to let him work on his own. He did tell my parents to let me have ans many journals as they could get to me because I WAS understanding them.

I wish you the best of everything in this, Gled. It was heartbreaking to see my grandmother with her condition, but you have a sense of irony that I think makes you better able to ride this monster.

Gledwood said...

Syd: aye but well put nonetheless. Did you know headshrinkers, though, (ever the cautiositarians...) call it "low mood" and I was never told I had anything but for over 2 years of psychiatric knitting-needling prodding... aye!

Welshcakes: merci beaucoup! thank you for that I've decided to fake sanity from now on, so perhaps I SHALL become inherently, 1 0 0 % SANE by "OSMOSIS"...(!!!?!?!?!?!?**!!)

Jeannie: hmmm, how interesting my psycho new drugs worker said "which of the group session workers do you like the most!!"

probably "strongly implying" the lady who did my latest assessment was not to be trusted. I know when something's wrong around me. t'was all over the place

Wat: aye you're not wrong but why the High Security??!?

(@wHAT ON EARTH WAS THAT MEANT TO SAY??!?)

Martin Bashir says a lot about how NAIVE Michael Jackson can be.
So taken in by the legacy of Princess Diana. It did so much for Diana, look how much it'll do for me! I'd have thought Jacko would know better than to think any journalist was in the palm of his hand unless the guy was explicitly taking BRIBES~!!!

Gledwood said...

Baino: aye I'll perservere, you have to make the best of a thoroughly to back up doncha... stick to my own agenda, I would do, if only I properly had one..!!

Vincent: aye you're idle! ! what's you doing turning up suddenly like that outta tha blue??!!!! come on do tell me!!!!!

Tea N Crumpet: what does the N mean in your name...??

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood