HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Parrot in Past Life

I'M SERIOUSLY STARTING TO SUSPECT I was a Brazilnut-cracketteering plumage-be-ruffling parrot of some sort in a past life. Not only have I the capacity to eat entire tubs full of Just Brazils, hazelnuts, walnuts, assorted nuts, mixed nuts with- or without raisins, not to mention should-not-mention parrot mixes of all descriptions but I'm plagued by constant urges to shout randomized phrases in accents far north of my person parsonagges homelinesses. E.g. those from Ooop North. I.e. I'm rolling down't street and overwhelming urge seizes me to shout AYE YER NOT WRONG! I was in a shop just now and instead of prating "thank you" for 39p change I so very nearly exclamatorioed "YER IDLE! AND YER BLOODY BONE IDLE AT THAT!!" tut buzz-eyed shopworker!

This is a peculiar eccentricity that's plagued me my entire life through and I'm desperately wondering: does any of yers think it means I might have been a parrakeet in a past life?

I often get flying dreams and the urge to seize wooden furniture peck it wi' me sharp end and woodcracklingly wrench it apart with my humungous nutcracking beak.

And then the urge to talk vaguely comprehensible rubbish seizes me over and over. And please don't tell me I could have been a Minor Bird. Mynah birds are glorified linguistically fluent soft-fruit bingeing diarrhoea-full logorrhoeaic übervociferous GARDEN CROWS! Take my word for it; I've seen 'em wimme own eyes and there's nowt special about 'em. Parrots rule! Parrots rule roost! As yer've all seen in't Feathery Fridays, I do love Rainbow Lorikeets and Aussie King Parrots, but the intellibird I love most of all, as illustrated above is the HYACINTH MACAW!



THIS is such a shame: one of their best songs, yet already we see poor emaciated Freddie on the way out...



THIS WERE ONE O'T BIGGEST HITS O'T 21ST CENTURI. I saw't documentary onnit yesterdi naarght and bloodi Northern Accent went raaght insaad mi hed agairn. This is track wot put bloodi parrot parroting inside me head again!

Here is documentary review link.

Here's special AYE YER NOT WRONG! link fer Akalemalu and t' other Northerners readin't blog, aye!


Gledwood said...

come on yer miserable lot o' blighters!

come on yer miserable lot o' blighters!

come on yer miserable lot o' blighters!

come on yer miserable lot o' blighters!

come on yer miserable lot o' blighters!

come on yer miserable lot o' blighters!

come on yer miserable lot o' blighters!

come on yer miserable lot o' blighters!

come on yer miserable lot o' blighters!

come on yer miserable lot o' blighters!

come on yer miserable lot o' blighters! ;->...

someone say summut!!

Lou said...

Did you ever watch the "Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill". It's a documentary of a guy that spends his adult life feeding wild parrots in San Francisco. I think he was on drugs.

Crushed said...

You could have ben...

I was a Spider Monkey.

Baino said...

Dunno about a parrot but you're certanly a nut!

Queenneenee said...

Yes, they also say you are what you eat Gleds! LOL. Hey in response to your question, a lot of us have comment moderation on because of a particular "gentleman" who spews hate on all of the recovery blogs. He often comments MULTIPLE times, with these HUGE comments regarging how AA and NA are cults etc. He got me just as soon as I began this blog, so I turned on moderation to get rid of him-as have others in the recovery circle. I welcome all comments but he was too much. Wonder what I was in another life? Hmmmmm

Jeannie said...

Most people only think they were people before. I don't really believe in reincarnation but when you explain why...well, it might explain my daughter's inclination to sudden outbursts - singing 3 words of a song over and over and over.

My husband likes to suddenly say some phrase in a different accent - it's not caught by most people here because he's Irish and folks don't often know the difference.

Maybe you should get a job as an extra in films and tv shows.

AnnaGrace said...

About my bipolar meds, I'm on Lithum 300mg twice daily, and I'm on Lamotrigine 100mg once before bed.

As for myspace, go to www.myspace.com/ppfaceannagrace and you will see my profile, and the it shows the past three blogs I wrote, and you click on one of them and you can read my other blog.
Blogger is better if you just want to blog, but Myspace is better if you want to reconnect with freinds from your past. You can befreind someone you knew 10 years ago, and you can see wha they look like now, and what they are doing now, and if they blog what their life is like now. Not all myspaceres blog, but alot of the myspacer's that don't blog still read other people blogs.

I have no idea about the med you metnioned in you comment. I've never herd of that med in my bi polar research, but we are in diffrent countries, and continets.

Hope your doing well. I'm gonna read your blog now.

Gledwood said...

Lou: No but I'd love to see it. As for whether he was/wasn't on drugs I'd have to see it to comment!

Crushed: spider monkeys... aren't they the tiny cute ones that go berzerk up people's curtain rails once let loose in house..?

Baino: yer not wrong ~ aye, yer aren't that!

Gledwood said...

Queenee: I THOUGHT there must be some specific reason for all that. It did seem strange EVERYONE opting for such caution...

Hey maybe in another life a lot of us were barflies and died literally drowning in the old liquor!

Jeannie: yeah a bit part actor (extras don't talk, do they?...? I don't think so) yeah I could do that. Some Buddhistic types DO believe in animal to human reincarnation; others don't. Irish accents: yeah I believe the American accent IS Irish, just as Australian is cockney London... gone through a couple of centuries separation and development... I've heard Irish people talking a few times and mistook them for Americans...

AnnaGrace: AnnaGrace is a beautiful name...

... hey don't you need frequent blood tests on lithium?... the bipolar memoir I read (by a Dr Kay Redfield Jamison: An Unquiet Mind ~ a v memorable book) said the therapeutic dose and a potentially toxic one are pretty close and can be affected by unforseen factors e.g. altitude. She said she had terrible troubles one time climbing a mountain, and also nearly got arrested for drunkenness when it was just lithium-induced shakes and incoordination. That was in the early days though when they were still giving huge doses. I hope your meds work their magic for you: what price happiness?

Gattina said...

I must have been a magpie in my former life, not that I steal, I am not yet cleptomania but I am a chatter box.
I love Freddy Mercury's songs and the Queens in general. They are my favourites. Last year I went to a concert of a group (I just can't remember the name) who imitated them perfectly it was absolutely super !

Puss-in-Boots said...

Gleds, I have come to the conclusion you're a nutter...lol. It's taken me a while, hasn't it? To come to that conclusion, I mean.

I adore Queen's music, it's so timeless. Pity Freddie shuffled off his mortal coil so early.

Gledwood said...

Gattina: do you know what the name of that tribute band's on the tip of my tongue but I cannot for the life of me recall it...

Pussinboots: nutter as in cracking 'em open wimme beak?~~ aye!

Akelamalu said...

That Queen song is my favourite and so poignant as Freddie was not long for this world when they recorded it. We're going to see "We Will Rock You" in Manchester on the 8th April, we saw it at the Dominion a couple of years ago but it's so good I just have to see it again.

I'll have you know MWM and I appear on Peter Kay's DVD 'Live at the Bolton Albert Hall'! We are in the audience laughing our heads off. Also our son and daughter in law are captured on it entering Bolton Town Hall. So there! :)

WAT said...

Beautiful birds u have in that pic. Look at that awesome vivid blue plumage!

"yet already we see poor emaciated Freddie on the way out..."

I LAFFED OUT LOUD AT THAT. Sometimes tragedy is absurdly funny. Boy, Freddie had a voice tho! INCOMPARABLE!

Gledwood said...

Akelamalu: what? you're on't DVD laughing yer 'eads off~??!? Aye, I'll 'ave ter 'ave a look a' that!

Wat: that pix's from a "save the endangered blue macaws" site, but I were thinking, "I'd love one as a pet.."!

Bimbimbie said...

av allus fought how much bedder off yon suthners would be with a tuch of northern culur like ...aye I have an'all*!*

Gledwood said...

I've allus thaaat Northern accent's 'oondred taaaamz naaaaaser than't soothen one!

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood