HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, March 09, 2009

I Am Who I Am And I Feel How I Feel

THIS is what my very good friend Welshcakes Limoncello (in Sicily) said to me, and I happen to have agreed with her over the course of the weekend, before, I got to peruse her pearldrops...

Hi, Gleds. No, I don't think you're a nutter but the people assessing you may be! They like to suggest in-vogue disturbances. Now, if you believe you are going mad you will, so don't! You seem a perfectly normal, nice young man to me. Ok, you gotta weakness but who hasn't? At least you are open about it and are trying to overcome it. Don't beat yourself up, Gleds - there are plenty of self-righteous hypocrites out there willing to do that for you.

From what little I know about "dissociation", those liable to it (and that appeared to be the accusation implicitly levelled at me) are the most highly suggestible of all people. So if I am a sexually abused false-memory-therapy type, then any madness suggested to me shall be picked up.

Which is why I'm turning my attention rather irritatedly to my forthcoming book. I know this sounds hopelessly naive, but I'm SO hoping it will bring in the funds to supply a full year's (or hopefully several years') full living. NOT just so I can be a "millionaire" but more to the point so I can at long last finally escape from the relentlessly pressuring thumb of the State Benefits Welfare system, get well and truly away from it, pay myself through the luxury rehab where they put you to sleep then blockade you against heroin ever working again for months on end, leave the country and, then if "mental-ness" is a continuing "issue" pay for a private psychiatrist myself, wallowing in the luxuriant assurance that me and state benefits are long since parted, that I'm no longer paid for being ill (that's essentially what sickness and disability benefits do). How I would love to cut a permanent divide between the reality of my own unhappiness and it qualifying me for state welfare handouts. Surely that connexion is the very unhealthiest, unhappiest of all...

No, as Freddie Mercury sang, I want to break free...

I yearn to do it after my own manner and fashion, NOT IN THIS DESPISED COUNTRY OF MINE which I'm growing truly to loathe, thanks to the petty-minded petty-bureaucratic attitude of our tiredly-outdated "New Labour" government... Oh please let me go free!

Do you know where I'd really like to go? Apart from Berlin and various of the Canary Islands (I'm not put off for a moment by dark-grey volcanic sandy beaches: how funky is that~!) I'd really like an extended stay on Sardinia and/or Corsica...

PS: 17:22hrs GMT I just ran away fromt telly half hour ago cos I were watching't' Deal or No Deal wit Noel Edmunds ~ aye! ~ and jer know what twonk playing't' game said? Now bear in mind 'e'd come tut end ot game near enough wi' £250,000 still intact int' box, another £5000 in another box, plus two blues: 50p and summut like £25. Now if yer've never seen't pror-gramme b4 then bear in mind at beginning o't show, yer aves 16 boxes wi' 16 randomly assigned amounts of money int boxes. O'course nor-body knowes what moonnies in where. 'Cept Banker an' e's bloodi born idle, aye 'e is an' that I'll tell yer fer nowt!
Highest one's £250,000, second highest is £100,000, then £75,000, £50,000 and so on down. These are colour-corded red. Blue amounts under £1000 go down tut 1p. Sore randomly opening't boxes and taking whatever's int box left ont table wi' you is summut o't risk ~ aye, I'll tell yer that for nowt!
Any road, this feller's got summut like 50p, £25, £5000 and £250,000 and Banker phornes wit deal sayin' Aye! Yer not wrong! I'll give yer £15,141.30 (that is 15-14-13) so no more running't risk of 4-1 odds against you pickin' oop quarter million. And look on't guy's face o' such pain: I were thinkin' TAKE DEAL, LAD! TAKE £15,000 and forgerrabout quarter mil cos I've seen't show enough ter see 'ardly anyone wins it.
And what did 'e do? But look like 'e were about to be sick in't shoes and carri on. And first box 'e chose to eliminairte were't £250,000 ~ aye, so e's lost mooney now. Instead o shoutin' at screen I just turned off, aye. I were well wound oop, aye, that's why I'm sittin' in 'ere...What would yous lot 'ave done, yer mytherin' load o' mardies? And jer like me Northern Accent..?!?

RIGHT: YER BONE IDLE! I've got ter gor, it's 7 passt 6 at naaat, Simpsons is on, 'ollyoarks'll be on in 20 minutes. Sor righty-hor then, gubbye!


Akelamalu said...

Get cracking on that book m'dear and hopefully it will bring the rewards to fulfil your dreams. I didn't travel abroad until I was 38 and I desperately wanted to go to Corsica, unfortunately it was too expensive at the time. I did, however, spend a day there when I was on a Med cruise and it docked there. :)

Gledwood said...

Aye! Jer know I never realized Corsica and Sardinia were meant to be well posh, I just thought they were places everyone went to (apart from us!!) int late 70s, because that's where't social climbing petty bourgeoisie kids in me social climbers' petty boureoisie primary school went. Except for't poor kids int class who went ter Margate.
Only places we went abroad on 'olidays were Malta (which were lovely) and Holland (which were like magical version o' Britain wi' stoof like cartoned grape juice int supermarket what yer couldn't get fer loove nor mooni in them days... aye. Yer not wrong about book I'm dashin' home wi't new pen as wi speak!

Liz said...

I will come back later and read what you've written but I just wanted to say that if you like my wellies you would love the wallpaper I saw yesterday in B&Q. Totally japanese schoolgirl.

Off to execise now. I hope I live.

Crushed said...

Myself, I'm not sure these psychologist types really know what they're on about always. Sometimes, yes, but in a lot of this repression/memory stuff, they have been proved wrong so many times. It's still such a new subject and so much of it is educated guesswork still.

You can bring almost anything up through regression hypnosis. Alien abductions, past lives, anything the psychotherapist THINKS is the issue.

Personally, I think psychology has it's uses, but more in a generic sense. On an individual level, only genuine empathy can aid to understanding someone, I think.

Gledwood said...

Liz: Best Japanese schoolgirl thing I ever had was a light blue tiny before-its-time cordless phone by Binatone. Gorrit from Argos and was so oopset when that one broke OUTSIDE the one year "gerranoother one free" oonofficial warranti period...

aye and yer never said nowt about Northern accent. Dooz it coom out alright in print? Coom on tell us what!

Crushed: Aye, I looked oop false memory therapy ont internet and coom back wi' all manner o stoof about dodgy counsellors bringing on "iatrogenic" psychological inconvenience... The wikipedia article on "dissociative identity disorder" (ie multiple personality disorder to me and you) points out vehemently (and somehow these distinctions seem all the more telling in the shrunken-world age of the internet) that multiple personality is an American phenomenon... as for alien abduction and the more bizarre constellations of psychoberkism they only EVER occur in "Western Hemisphere" (as one might politely deign to call that particular madhouse...)

Jeannie said...

Not to dishearten you but did you know that psychiatrists have yet to "cure" anybody? They just really have a bunch of theories and patients are guinea pigs. So don't take anything they say too seriously unless it's something that happens to help you.

Deal or no Deal...I'd be so nervous that I'd crap myself but being the conservative I am - a bird in the hand etc. - I would take the money and run.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

I am well flattered, Gleds! What's with t'accent?

Puss-in-Boots said...

Go Gleds. You have the write (sorry) attitude and so your book will get written. I agree with your summing up of the welfare system. You are paid for being sick but, and here's the difference, you want out of that neverending circle. So believe that you'll get there and you will.

I agree with what Welshcakes said, too. I don't think you're a nutter but a very articulate and intelligent person. No psychobabblist can make you otherwise.

You have a lot of blog friends behind you, encouraging and supporting as much as we can through cyberspace. I hope it helps...I'm sure it will.

All the best. Hugs.

Lucinda said...

The second part about Deal or No Deal was really great to read. It felt like I was reading an Irvine Welsh novel. I can't watch shows like that, it effects me in the same manner. I get too easily upset by people doing dumb shit and losing all of their money.
= )

Gattina said...

The best thing I can wish you that you write a "Harry Potter" and become as rich as this woman I forgot her name ! Your country is not as bad as you think although you write the same things as my friend Doug in Eastbourne tells me when I am there. Many people always want to live in another country and when they live there they realize after a while that it is even worse ! Once I had to write in a post in which country I would like to live. you know what I wrote ? In England at the coast ! Cornwall would be nice for me !

Gledwood said...

jeannie: you're right on 2 counts. psychiatrists are frauds?/freuds?/whatever~ aye
I'd definitely have taken t' money last night it were ridiculous I were so angry I couldn't watch telly nummore!

welshcakes: I dornt nor!

puss-in-boots: thank you, I hope to get out never ever ever to return!!

lucinda: isn't it v modern to have shows where at one point they've "won" then they gamble and lose what they never came with... but hey I'd have taken that £15000 and run outta there. Irvine Welsh was Scottish but aye I get yer point ;->...

gattina: do you know what you put in a nutshell my attitude towards travelling (or migrating) abroad. My thing is I just want, for once, to live with someone else's system, someone else's mistakes and to be able to think "however good or bad this is, I never grew up with it, loving or infuriated. So it's nothing to do with me and I don't care ~ whoopee!!!!!

Gledwood said...

" close quote %-/...

Gledwood said...

LUCINDA: aye yer not wrong ~ I'm ont way cher blog in a morment, aye!

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood