HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Wish I Could Find a Good Book To Read

LIFE'S NOW FLOWING thanks to the exciting new pen I bought this morning. It's called a UniBall Vision Needle in black, fine point, "waterproof/fadeproof" by the Mitsubishi Pencil Company, I love UniBall rollerball pens, I wrote an entire first draft of a novel in one... hang on what am I saying "one"? It was "only" about 70,000 words (ie would have filled out 200-250 pages as printed) and yet I got through at least twelve of these Mitsubishi rollerballs! The waterproof ink is a must, because in the great tradition of Hemingway and Steven King I'm constantly "tippling" as I write (even if it is just tea these days ~ though it always used to be white cyder...)

Hang on who am I trying to kid? I still drink white cyder, just considerably less of it. When it got to the point when I was imbibing an entire week's alcoholic "units" every day of that week and having alcoholic blackouts and I came to realize that, for months on end, I had drunk nothing but alcohol ~ not a single soft drink apart from the very occasional chocolate milk. I used to gaze longingly at the chocolate milk and Coca Cola as I queued at the till with my cyder ~ but no way was I about to waste my money on them... I used to quite like coffee. Tea, once a constant companion and punctuator of every day became a distant memory. I didn't have the tea, nor did I have any sugar (and I've tried and tried to resort to sugarless tea, as I used to drink it years back but simply cannot abide it). I never bought milk (never had any cause to ~ unless it was a rare week when I'd indulged in a tub of chocolate Nesquick so I'd have chocolate milk galore... In the end I didn't even own a kettle.

Sometimes, in the very thick of all this drink drink drink Id find myself drinking straight from the tap (often semi-conscious in the early hours) in sheer desperation for some rehydration...

I wasn't the "worst alcoholic" by any means and the period of relatively heavy drinking was quite short. What lasted longer was my rather ditzy attitude to soft drinks, which seemed a waste of money compared to alcoholic ones... All this tea drinking I do now, complete with chocolate cream hobnobs dunking seems awfully civilized in comparison!

Yeah so this new pen of mine has made life complete. OK seriously though it did impress me in that I spat out an entire paragraph of my novel without feeling it. I gazed back at it, all spidery scrawl and tiny letters and thought: wow! Perhaps the magic's in the pen and not me...

On a further inspirational note I went out just now and randomly bought four books of liberating fascination from a local charity shop. Liberating fascination? I mean they open (well hopefully open my) mind... These are: Agatha Christie Curtain: Poirot's Last Case; James Lasdun
The Horned Man, a thriller set in the alienating mysteriousness of Manhattan. It's the sort of book that might be brought out by Albert Knopf in the United States edition. Next I got a tome entitled How To Draw Anything by Mark Linley. The slightly over-eager lady behind the till informed me she had bought this one new. "It's quite good, really it is. But I still can't draw anything. Anything at all. No, I can't draw for toffee!" And she flung back her head and cackled unnervingly... The last volume is called Give Me Ten Seconds and it's the autobiography of John Sergeant, the BBC's top political correspondent until he retired in the early 1990s. His most famous episodes were an on spec interview live with Margaret Thatcher live during the Nine O'Clock News. He caught her as she exited a meeting in Paris during the leadership challenge that marked the end of her days in power... and being labelled "Winnie the Poo set to music" for his efforts at the passa doblay and other cha-cha type inconveniences during his stint on celebrity Strictly Come Dancing.

I'm hoping one of these tomes might inspire me if the pen doesn't. Well the pen's meant to capture my inspirational flow of words for this great novel I'm penning slowly... very slowly... as we speak. Hey that's a lie. Not as we speak. About one paragraph a week at the moment. So I did a week's writing in my kitchen on unpackaging that UniBall pen this afternoon...

All Righty I'd better go. Carrot-Nose Roborovski says hello to yous all. (Oh the indignity of being a rodent and having to bear such names!) She's working (or being worked on) a trick where she'll grasp savagely hold of the chopstick and get lifted about 300 robo-feet pawdangling into the great blue yonder...

(Why does that make me think of Tiscali Broadband?)

Oh I know, because before Virgin Media took them over, cable tv's broadband was, I do believe, named "Blueyonder"...

Righty ho, in the words of my childhood letter-writing days, I "must run and catch the post"~!!

My blog hop's taking me to waters hitherto unchartered, ie blogs about finance either to do with clearing debt or (more interestingly to me) making pin money.
Here's some
Debt Chronicles http://chroniclesofdebt.blogspot.com
Fabulously Broke http://fabulouslybrokeinthecity.blogspot.com
Debt Free Kid http://debtfreekid.com
2 Nickels Making a Dollar http://2-nickels-making-a-dollar.blogspot.com
True Adventures In Money-Hacking http://trueadventuresinmoneyhacking.blogspot.com
Budgets Are Sexy http://budgetsaresexy.com
Wide Open Wallet http://wideopenwallet.com


Crushed said...

Try Conan the Barbarian.

Or John Le Carre. He's quite cool. Reckon you'd like him.

tweetey30 said...

Here is one I am almost done with. Its good so far. Land of Echoes by Daniel Hecht... Enjoy if you read it.. Tweets

Zhu said...

Im a Uniball girl too :)

Try to read the James Clavell Asian saga: Noble House and Taipan (set during the Chinese opium war and English taking over) are great.

Wren Caulfield said...

Thanks for the blog shoutout. I've never been much into rodents, but that little one is pretty f*ing adorable.

And what's the "blog hop" thing you've got going here?


Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I've read too many books in my life to recommend one, especially a good one.

Alex says Meooooooow to Carrot-Nose.

Baino said...

God your moods vasillate! I don't think I spelled that properly because a total shit arse day has drawn me to drink. I like a good pen . .I have my father's Water somthingorother . .I only use it for Christmas cards and poignant notes . .let me know if you run out of reading material. I have five books that have been on my bedside table unread for almost 2 years. Do you think I could train the mouse that insists on 'cruising' past me while Im on the puter? *goes to grab chopstick*

Gledwood said...

CRUSHED: o yeah LeCarre's good. I had one I never indulged into, but I reckon it would've been a superb read...

TWEETY30: Daniel Hecht seems vaguely familiar but I cannot place the name...

ZHU: how odd you say that I saw a film adaptation of one of those only last week. My one complaint was in the over-antiquated brown filters they put on every shot and the 1950s technicolour look they gave the movie; it kind of killed any action.
I've never read a James Clavell but I know they were extremely popular in the 1980s. Plus I luuurve Chinese-Japanese stuff. Plus he did a novel called Gaijin, which means "foreigner" in Nippon-go...

Gledwood said...

WREN: Oh Carrot-Nose is very pretty and friendly... you're welcome for the shout; I'm glad I found your realm of credit-crunchy blogs. Never expected to come across anything like that until I did...

NICK: Carrot-Nose says Honk!! back!!

BAINO: aye I vascillate like a... well a professional vacillator. I'm not sure if this is the write spelling har-har!
I think you're talking about Waterman fountain pens. They're meant to be really good, up there with Parker and Mont Blancs...

Akelamalu said...

I hope your new pen inspires you! :)

Syd said...

How about Tweak by Nic Sheff? Or a Beautiful Boy by David Sheff? they are books that will make you think.

I use a fountain pen of the old variety that has a bulb to pull the ink up. It inspires me to write.

Deadbeaten said...

Hi Gleds;

I don't have anything profound to add; just wanted to say hi and let you know I'm still an avid reader...

Gledwood said...

AKELAMALU: AYE it has! And it's far easier to scribble with than my old "fineliner" waxxy-tip £3 monstrosity from the next shelf down in WH SMith...

SYD: I used to have a fantastic fountain pen by Lamy. They are the all-time best. As if 10 years good wear makes them already write to your hand from the moment you bust open the 21st century packaging...


Vincent said...

Personally I love reading Ludlums. It may sound cheap but I just love the stories. Takes a few pages to get hooked on the story (about 10) but then you can't stop. It requires absolutely no intelligence which is why I like them so much I think ;-) Trying can't hurt.

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood