HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Rip Van Gledwood

I FEEL LIKE RIP VAN WINKLE. (Why does Magnus Pyke keep coming to my mind?) Yes I certainly could sleep for 20 years. I slept most of today, after getting up at 8:30 sharp I went to the chemist, etc.... Went back to bed... Missed everything. Didn't bother phoning in. (Appointments.) I am sick~ boo-hoo. I'll say I was ill. I have a disease called tiredness.

Run-down-ness./Terminal slothful junkiedom./Whatever....

I've been doing a bit of writing. But more to the point, inspiration's been pouring in re future projects. Gledwood cart-before-the-horse is determined not to get into Dan Brown or Bridget Jones syndrome where a highly successful book terrifies you so much of not being able to repeat such success that a massive writer's block ensues and nothing at all is published for years and years.

I broke my usual taboo and did some reading about book publishing. What I read was faintly depressing (don't expect too much, blah blah) ~ hence the taboo. They say you'll hardly make enough from your first novel to wallpaper the back bedroom, let alone retire to a 10-storey palace in the vicinity of Harrods (well you have to dream). These facts just shoved deeper into my head the maxim that books are like sausages. As soon as one's popped out the next one's coming. I've an entire lifetime of writings-not-written with which to torture the world...

WOW! This is a blast from the past. I wasn't expecting to get comments back on beloved stationery items, but here's two of mine. To the left we have the only fountain pen ink I know of that doesn't run when champagne is poured across the manuscript; to the right a Lamy fountain pen. These are the best I've ever come across. Far better than anything in silver and gold costing several times more. You can get one plus ink converter (who uses cartridges? ugh!!) for less than £20 and it writes as if it's been worn to your hand for over 20 years. No word of a lie! These are by far the best fountain pens I've ever come across ~ and I went through a phase (right up till I got on the heroin actually, and then I didn't care about anything any more) where I used fountain all the time. There's something about a nice pen that just makes you wanna write... (even shopping lists)...

The icing machine's gone berzerk at the Hobnobs Creams factory, filling them right to the edge. Which is well yummy for dunking into deep caramel-colour British Rail-style tea...

Last night on Channel 4's Shameless, as well as seeing a DSS Fraud Investigator get dragged down the pub and plied with ecstasy-laced drink so, in love with the world, he ended up (eventually) in the local brothel puking over the madam's shoes: as well as this I saw an evil Irish heroin dealer called Paddy (do they have white heroin dealers in Manchester?) get tied to a bed and forcibly injected with his own wares! I was cheering at the TV!! At the episode's end he'd still not been released. I just hope they keep him there long enough to get addicted. Oh that would be such poetic justice..!

11 comments:

Jeannie said...

You seem to be somewhat chirpier after having a good sleep.

Syd said...

I will look up Lamy at my favorite pen spot: ISellPens.com
They have the best prices. I have several Jinhao that are better than the old Waterman's that I have. Anyway, give them a look. They do have Lamy there as well.

Crushed said...

Left to my own devices, I can sleep most of the day...

In fact I sleep better by day.

Why do we get up in the day? Stupid really.

M- Filer said...

"I long to be straight yet I cannot imagine a life without drugs. Or to put it another way, yes I can imagine that life, but I cannot imagine being happy. Heroin is the only thing that has made life bearable. It gives life value. And it's been like this for years."

In reference to the above quote, I am wondering a couple of things. Are you hetero or gay? Do you have partners? I am sorry to pry , but it suddenly crossed my mind to ask.
Secondly...are you usually high when writing your blog posts? Or under the influence if not "high"?

signed,
curious

Gledwood said...

JEANNIE: you're not wrong ~ aye aye!

SYD: o yeah Lamy are by FAR the best full-on fountain pens, by FAR

CRUSHED: probably it's sleeping when you know you're not meant to ~ makes it come easier

MFILER: 'ANG ON! Where did I say all that??

Liz said...

Pens are very difficult. Mostly it's a particular biro that suits me best. I usually find fountain pens too ... slippy and my writing gets terribly untidy instead of eccentrically quirky.

I have a blueberry crumb cake in the oven. Take a deep breath: can you smell it cooking? If you were closer I would give you half.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds or should I say Rip Van Gledwood ?~~ I can sleep any time anywhere also. Just half an hour picks me up no end when I am tired.
(Most of the time!!) Fancy you scaring Itchy about making a sandwidh of her, or a Nugget.
Thanks for your comments and get well wishes. Slowly getting there.
Glad you like Australian trees as of course I love them. But they do burn pretty darn well. The King Parrots are really pretty Take great care, my friend,Regards, Merle.

WAT said...

I can understand wanting to sleep so much. It's called DEPRESSION! In 2008, that's all I wanted to do when I wasn't at work or with friends out somewhere. For the most part, I had no energy! Like it had been completely zapped out of me! I felt lifeless and in walking zombie mode.

Luckily now in 2009, I feel so much better and more active. I guess all that hibernating finally paid off! LOL!

Gledwood said...

WAT: really? I "know" that factually, but tell self it's just tiredness...
... also I get obscene carbs cravings, and can drowse for 14, 15 hours out of 24; is this unusual..?..?!?

MERLE: I'm all with your trees remark. There's a TV programme about emigrating to Australia in which the family are given 3 options, generally City, Beach and Country. I don't mean to be overwhelmingly negative but the first thing I think when I see all those lovely trees is BUSHFIRE!

LIZ: blueberry crumb cake? what on earth is that if no cheese is involved? pie filling tipped all over crushed up digestives..??!????!!!!!

Oh Liz BIROS~~?!?!?!! And I thought you had that inbuilt inherent class nobody could argue with. Honestly my dearestmost pet hate is oily biro squelched across expensively letterheaded rejection letters. NO! Real nice paper demands real nice water-&-light-fast carbonic black pigmentation!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood