HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


Gledwoods deutscher Blog

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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

460 New Words

Ich habe nun viel mehr Flüssigkeit auf Deutsch aufgebaut. (If you can "build up" something as swooshy and pouring as fluency, that statement has to be true.)~ And did I make a mistake in that sentence? I wouldn't dare post up anything longer because I surely would. I did German A-level nearly 20 years ago, so I think I can be forgiven for having to look up such elementary terms as "suddenly" and even "actually" in the dictionary. Having said that, I worked out that I have a 93% comprehension rate of the German I am reading. That is: (after flying through the entire book without dictionary) I have ploughed through 25 pages at approx. 360 words per page, ie about 5400 words and looked up and listed 20 pages full at 23 lines to the notebook page of definitions. Ie there were 460 out of 5400 no! 9000 words! I did not understand. Giving me a comprehension rate of about 95%.

The book in question, in case you have not been reading is called Christiane F: story of a child prostitute and heroin addict. I found it very depressing first time round. The book is made up of tape recordings by two Stern journalists who found out about the then-15-year-old heroin addict after she was prosecuted for three cases of drug-possession. "We the children of Berlin Zoo" (the main railway station and hence a meeting place for junkies) was such a successful series of articles in 1977 that a full version, published in book form became a popular bestseller. The centre pages are full of pictures of very young kids, most of whom say they started fixing between 13 and 15 (younger for girls). Page 186, next to a picture of a girl who resembles a tall china doll, says: Livia S began using at 15 and died aged 18 in the public toilets in Hansaplatz. In her pocket was a letter to the Social Welfare Office pleading for a place in rehab. "Could you please find me a place as soon as possible. One extra day out here could cost me my life. With your help I could turn into a healthy, employable person again." And page 187 shows her dead body, laid out in the toilet cubicle with what appears to be a drugs works and a packet of something beside the corpse.

The bit I'm still on is about an idealized childhood of a country girl who couldn't understand why in Berlin you weren't allowed to play on the grass. Now I know all the words for metal grille, barbed wire, giant sign, concrete bunker and so on ... It takes such a long time looking all these up and writing them down (I have to write them down: otherwise I can't read the book back with a list of every word I don't know in order of appearance). I started starring every word I've consulted in the dictionary. My memory is so bad there are some I end up looking up five or six times ...

Well I have to go. Time is vanishing quickly. Hope y'all had a nice weekend ...

Illustrations: Langenscheid and Oxford-Duden, 2 of best German dictionaries; "works" ~ when I first moved to London I used to think people had dropped very narrow number-decorated pencils on the road; Gropiusstadt ~ Berlin suburb by Neuköln, where Christiane F grew up (and you're surprised she ended up on heroin~??..)


Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hi, Gleds. As a linguist, I would say that you are doing very well indeed. x

Janice said...

Hi Gled,

Sounds like you are progressing learning or is that re-learning German. It sad about the little girls, I always wonder where are the parents?


Puss-in-Boots said...

You like your languages, don't you, Gleds. How's the Hebrew going?

My goal is to learn Italian, I did French at school but can only remember very few words or phrases.

Well done, you!

Gledwood said...

Welshcakes: j'en espere ... BTW "Juniper" my counsellor agreed you can't write the definitions in the margins of the book "as there's too many of them" ~ which just goes to show she must once have been as poor in English as I am in German ...

Janice: the mother was out working but didn't notice for 2 years !!!


Gledwood said...

The Hebrew's on hold. I'm a bit one-track-minded I'm afraid and find it really hard to split my affections ... regarding anything ...

Rosetta Stone's meant to be good if you want to learn on the computer. It would certainly be better than evening classes alone.

From experience I'd say foreign languages can only be long-term projects; you have to do a little at a time and be constant

;->... %-/

Syd said...

Good for you. It sounds as if you are really proficient. I need to get back to my fluent German someday.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood