HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Chicken Thighs/Phone Box Drug Sniff

I'VE GOT CHICKEN THIGHS roasting merrily in the oven so I can't be too long. I really must get back. I'm starving. They always come out really nice ~ far nicer than the supermarket's industrial version, which always for some reason has slimy skin with catfood-style jelly clinging to it. Does anyone know why theirs comes out that way? Mine has crackly dry skin you can peel straight off once it's cooked and line a wholemeal pitta bread with. It's always been heavily "marinated" with cooking oil and spices (jerk seasoning, "chicken seasoning" (glorified paprika'd celery salt) and Chinese curry powder in this case) but doesn't look quite as lush as the ones shown. I think maybe someone put bits in their marinade... Do you think so?

I have been trying to cut out using heroin all together. Bear in mind if you're not a regular reader that I DO have a methadone script which should be quite ample. But it just doesn't hold me when I really need it, not without my counterbalancing more of this one day and less of something else the next (which is why I can't see how "supervised consumption" would ever work in the long term for anyone using both. You NEED to be able to adapt how much and exactly when methadone is taken, else it just won't hold you properly. That's what I've found, anyhow.

Anyway I was trotting down the street, as I do when a scruffy old junkie I know said "Yo!". Turned out he had bags of gear to sell. I really wasn't into buying off someone I've not bought off before, though I have known this guy for years. He was a bit scruffy and smelly to have been doing a roaring business in drugs-selling. Surely if things were that good he'd have invested in some shower gell/shampoo etc? Anyhow I got drawn into conversation, asked for his phone number... remarked I wouldn't really want to buy anything without a sampler first, which he didn't want to do. Well I said let's go into a phone box and let me put my nose in the bag. If I can smell the gear I know it's decent. Which I did. And could smell it. And it was decent. I got him to sell me only £5 worth, which most dealers won't do. So tomorrow, a brand new day with methadone galore I hope (against hope, it has to be said, but the intention's firmly there) to launch into life anew without any heroin ever again any more!!

PS: Doesn't that old man look like a homeless version of Anna Karenina author Count Leo Tolstoy~??


Akelamalu said...

Well tomorrow's a new day so you can have a new start eh?

Jeannie said...

The grocery store is likely doing racks and racks of chicken thighs so the searing heat won't get to them, plus there would be far too much humidity in the oven/ too many juices for them to get crispy. They don't sound very appetizing.

I hope life goes well for you as you kick the heroin. I know when something goes wrong when you are vulnerable, it kicks back. Stay strong buddy.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

You are going to turn into a big chicken, my friend. I like chicken, too, but lordy.



Syd said...

Enjoy the chicken. Hope that the heroin habit is done with. Take care of yourself.

Puss-in-Boots said...

I know chicken doesn't do it the way heroin does, but more chicken and no heroin, Gleds. I hope that five pounds worth doesn't send you spiralling back down. You've been doing well, lately. Keep it up...

Gledwood said...


JEANNIE: I'll try to stay strong. I left out the bony almost-scraped carcase of the last chicken overnight when it was three days (in the fridge) old. But this was left to fester. And by next afternoon it smelled putrid and vomitsome like a prostitute's gonorrhoea knickers!

SB: I'm already sprouting feathers as we speak ...

SYD: when will it ever be done? I feel no hope at all I'm afraid ...

PUSSINBOOTS: I know I've been doing well but I've still been using bits. Everyone asssumes this means I've stopped, but I'm better despite, not because of this. Un4tunately ...


Baino said...

Stop buying heroin and buy new hammies!

Anonymous said...

It would say "Shoot! under the "Leave your comment" above this box furnished for that....
at any rate, methadone and heroin are quite different drugs. It has been years since I have shot heroin, but the past 5 was on 50 mg methadone a day for back pain. Despite really missing the rush, give me the methadone anyday. Makes one feel good, energetic, and lasts a long time-just like a tootsie roll. Previous to the methadone, I was prescribed oxycontin 80 mg., which is death! One of course becomes addicted when taking 50 mg. of methadone a day for 5 years- I was already addicted to the oxycontin, anyway. My alternatives were extremely unattractive: The doc began by prescribing Vioxx-a sort of super ibuprofen-which not only did not help my pain, but was later yanked from the market for causing heart attacks and strokes, costing the company that made it millions (if not billions) in lawsuits. Vicodin and Lorcet helped, but the old resistance goes up quick and you need more and more. Also, they both contain a good amount of tylenol, which is probably more harmful on a regular basis than the hydrocodone! Thats when the doc prescribed the oxycontin. Two 80's a day. Run out of them, and 4 hors after you take 'em, you start feeling decidedly ill. "Dope sick" is the colorful street term. And resistance skyrockets unbelievably with that crap. Told the doc, get me off this shit! Methadone was chosen to "wean" me off, but after the first prescription, that wasnevermentioned again. My pain was not bothersome, really had no ill effects at all. My other "alternative" was back surgery, for which I had to sign an agreement that stated if they "goofed," and paralyzed me-they had no liability and I could not sue. So, lemme see here-heart attack or stroke, addiction, or possible paralysis with no recourse other than being pissed off. Gimme the addiction, every time!What is the problem? As long as the scripts keep coming, life is grand!



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood