HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Nonindustrial Beef (and Lamb) ...

OK, having been inspired by Iceland's "industrial" version, I finally got inspired to do my own roast beef dinner at the weekend. I say "roast": it was pie-steak cooked in covered pan on hob. Basically beef hotpot with only mushrooms and onions. The dumplings I put in last thickened the juices into gravy very nicely. To season I used about 1 teaspoon Chinese curry powder; 1 teaspoon Jamaican jerk seasoning; 4 teaspoons paprika; 1 teaspoon thyme; 1 teaspoon honey-mustard (which is annoyingly nearly empty as I ate nearly an entire jar one night when I was bored ...). Seal in beef cubes by frying. Add boiling water. Chop up and chuck on two very large mushrooms (priced the same as cheapie button ones for some reason by Morrisons express checkout) plus half a giant onion. Add all seasoning at once. Boil for about 20 mins. Reduce heat to minimum. Cover pan. Let simmer for another two hours. Then the beef, which was "edible" in 20 mins but with the texture of old shoes, has turned into an olde English feast. Serve with Iceland industrial cauliflower and broccoli cheese, peas, beans and potato croquettes. Yummy.

I bought about an "lb" (or 450g) of lamb necks ~ some poor dear furry's been slaughtered and I'm buying cross-sections of the poor swine's neck!! Except if it literally was a swine I wouldn't touch it in a million years. Pork is utterly unclean.

Anyway, I fried this up in a wok to seal in, chucked in a pan of boiling water to which I added about half the same spices as yesterday but far more herbs: 1 tsp standard mixed herbs and about five sprigs of fresh mint, stripped off the stalk with a sharp knife and roughly chopped. I also threw in about 1 teaspoon of brown sauce (which is like tomato ketchup with Lea & Perrins ~ full of tamarinds) and 1 teaspoon honey-mustard. In the wok I meanwhile fried up two handsful of baby button mushrooms (got 'em from a different shop where they were cheaper) and the other half of that giant Spanish onion.

Then I took two enormous bags of clothes to the launderette, where they would only fit in the £3.60 machine and cost £1.20 to get even half dry. They're now finishing off on my luxury Ikea hanger...

... anyway I got back after midday and my kitchen smelled like Nanny's used to (and she was just like Mrs Bridges off Upstairs Downstairs ~ and she had been "in service" as a girl ...) on Sunday afternoons... I've not had nowt to eat yet, but on tasting, the water the lamb was cooking in was very nice indeed ...

Another Upstairs Downstairs link

Did you know in the early 1970s Upstairs Downstairs was said to be the Queen's favourite television programme, and Mrs Bridges (my Nan) her favourite character ...

6 comments:

Lucinda said...

Hey Gleds,
I finally came back to blogger... because I have to vent about being in Paris for school and everything...
I just wanted to say hey! = )
- Lucy

Elaine said...

I want to come to your house for tea.

Baino said...

Quite the entrepreneurial chef these days Gleds, I'm very partial to hot pot and casseroles actually. Do you not have an oven? Sunday roasts, mandatory in our house during the winter . .replaced by Sunday barbies in the summer!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

You have made me VERY HUNGRY again, Gledds. I wish you were my neighbour so I could eat at your house. I don't cook.

Hope you enjoyed the roast enough for both of us.

Love, SB.

Gledwood said...

LUCE: PARIS??!! DO TELL MORE...

ELAINE: EXPENSIVE AIRFAIR BUT YOU'RE WELCOME. BEWARE THE FUCKING ROACHES THOUGH. KILL THEM B4 THEY KILL YOU ...

BAINO: O YEAH I GOT AN OVEN. THOUGH I DO MINE ON THE HOB BUBBLING ... NEVER QUITE UNDERSTOOD WHEN/WHY YOU SHOULD USE A CASSEROLE DISH UNLESS GOING OUT FOR HOURS AND AFRAID OF CAT JUMPING ON HOB...

SB: AYE; I'LL SEND YA SOME, HAHA!

Bimbimbie said...

I used to love watching Upstairs Downstairs, remember poor old Ruby, Mrs B was always telling her orf*!*

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood