HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Not Drunk on The Juniper Gin

I HAVE STARTED DEEP INTELLECTUAL HEARTRENDING personal-inner-pus-spilling counselling sessions!

I use such language because most counselling "dynamics" seem to operate upon the premise that human beings are all traumatized. We are all like boils who need our pus massaged, oozed-out and cunningly extracted.

Counselling, I have always thought can transpire as an almighty waste of time. At one extreme it can be like gazing at one's own eyes endlessly in a mirror indulging in the marvel of how beautiful they are; at the other, you can use the sessions as an outlet to complain about your life every week for 50 minutes flat, do nothing at all about it and return next week to complain again. In the middle, perhaps one might find a place where one might learn and grow. How on earth you learn or grow when the counsellor does little more than clarify what they think you've said and "reflect back" beats me: but if you're willing to put in some welly, it somehow does appear to bear fruits.

My last experience of counsellling wasn't very happy. The counsellor said I turned up to one session and curled up in the foetal position crying for an hour. But I don't remember this. (But I do recall being very upset.) She kept saying she thought I needed more help than she could give me, which didn't make me happy. She was talking about psychiatrists and I've never trusted their dogmatic interpretation of the extremes of human suffering. I just think a lot of them are there to pay their credit cards, cars and mortgages. But aren't most people??

Well I'm going to give this thing a go. Apparently you DON'T have to bee absolutely and 100% opiate and -oid free to benefit from counselling's understated (or unstated) delights. So as I say I'm giving it a bash ~ and who knows what might "transpire" ...??

PS the gin-reference is to my new Spanish counsellor's name. I never did get a hold of it, but it sounds something quite like JUNIPER ... as in those bitter berries that Gordons, The Bombay Sapphire Company et al crush into gin ...

PS See that Juniper berries pic top lefthand corner and see why most gin tastes of pine-fresh toilet-cleaner..!

10 comments:

Jeannie said...

Apparently, gin IS just juniper berry flavoured vodka.

I think counselling can help if you are intent on helping yourself. I think it requires a huge trust in the person who is supposed to be guiding you...

Merle said...

Hi Gleds~~~ At least give it a go.
You seem to be thinking more clearly and wanting to get on with your life, so please try. It just might be the time for you to recover.
Thanks for your comments and when I was at school, many many years ago, I was taught to spell flavour and colour, But now I mostly drop the u.
I prefer chocolate to Life-savers anyway. Take great care my friend,
and please do your best for those of us who care for you.
Praying for some good news Gleds,
Very Best Wishes, Merle.

Anonymous Drifter said...

I never found much guidance given in therapy. Like stated in the post, it seemed to be an hour of complaining followed by next week's hour of complaining, followed by next week's hour of complaining, followed ... well, you get the idea. I never seemed to get anywhere.

Akelamalu said...

Well it's worth a try, you never know it may just be the exact thing that helps you. I hope so. x

Gledwood said...

JEANNIE: yeah ~ it's being expected to spill when THEY tell YOU NOTHING about THEM!! that gets me ...

MERLE: I heard American spellings really are taking off in Australia. I don't quite get why, I always thought British ones looked prettier on the page. Having said that both are historically authentic. I was quite surprised to see a facsimile of a letter in Elizabeth I's own hand at Hatfield House, talking about "rumors" about her "honor" ... which just goes to show ~ English is one language and I wish we could have one system of spellling

AD: the only way I managed to get anywhere past that was by noting what "revelations" I seemed to come to and working on them BETWEEN sessions. Which is easier said than done. I think if anyone's an advertisement that Therapy really doesn't necessarily work it has to be Woody Allen ~ I mean look at him! A life shaped by days, weeks months wasted in that Therapeutic Office ... know what I mean ...

AKELAMALU: aye I will. But they only give you 12 weeks, which I know from previous experience of counselling, is hardly going to be enough ...

Baino said...

You could try the HannibalLector Quid Pro Quo tactic? Can't do any harm Gleds. Hey you spill on the blog to complete strangers how hard can it be?

(Best Show)Watch said...

"Hi:

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for our website

2) I was hoping we could use your ‘scribing’ talent for our website.

The Best Shows Youre Not Watching (dot) com [all one word]

The new adventures of old Christine is one of our featured shows. We’re hoping to round up a few people who can occasionally contribute perspective (via an article/blog) on the shows – maybe a recent episode, future direction, plot shortcomings etc.

What’s in it for you?
Primarily a larger audience back channeled to your blog. We don’t pay but the site has a lot of promise and we're pretty excited about getting it off the ground. Let me know what you think.

Thanks

Gledwood said...

BAINO: o no I don't mind spilling. I just have some reservations about counselling and how effective it might be ... but I'm willing to give it another bash. I wasn't so delighted to hear it's only 3 to 4 months and they give a small extension but I might get referred to Deep Psychotherapy ... how cool is THAT ha-ahaa!!

SHOWTIME: Hi I'm always flattered to get spam. Where does it come from? How does anyone know about little old me? Where on earth would I have written about Little Old Christine??? C'mon!

Syd said...

I never liked gin. I got blasted on it once and never tasted it again. I can remember smelling the juniper berries in my parents yard as a child. Ever since getting drunk on gin, I've not been able to get too close to those juniper berries. Brings back memories of being very sick.

Gledwood said...

Someone once gave me about half a pint of gin which for some stupid reason I drank down in five minutes. Then felt surprised that I was so drunk I could see five of everything. I was very sick too.

To me gin is just perfume-flavoured vodka. & no wonder they called it "Mother's Ruin": Nasty business all round.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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