HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Stung by the Killer B

YET AGAIN: what's new?

In recent times I have shied away from detailing my drugs use in blow-by-blow type accounts.
Or for that matter my endless resolutions to quit ~ and then the inevitable "lapses". They seem to exasperate y'all too much.

In the past I only managed to stop for a few days at a time and I only achieved that by either spending all my money, or keeping it in a post office that closes at 5:30 pm ~ and I don't have a cashcard.

But that method of "quitting" if you want to call it that ~ can only ever score me a few days off.

Because as surely as night follows day Monday morning comes round again. And then the itch to use becomes all-consuming. And heroin always feels better after a few days off, even if I have held myself on a heavy dose of methadone in-between. Despite what the doctors seem to say ~ and I can only speak for myself ~ methadone simply does not sate the old receptor sites anything like as effectively as heroin. Even at doses over 100mg a day. I think if the drugs services and medical profession sincerely wanted to crack heroin addiction (and I'm not convinced they truly do ~ a lot of them are content merely to turn up and get paid...) then they want to look away from methadone-methadone-methadone. Opiate addiction can in theory be treated with any of the scores of opiates and opioids licensed to relieve pain.

Having said that I do feel "OK" on methadone. Just nowhere near as OK as on heroin.

Heroin ~ heroin. A hard nasty drug. I can barely believe I'm writing this.

This morning I was perusing the Oxford University prospectus; this afternoon I took home a "10B" ~ that is, a fifth of a gram, a £10 bag of brown heroin ~ and then spent a good two hours unconscious in a chair. (That's what heroin does to me these days ~ either pretty much nothing, or else I'm knocked out cold ...)

I'm not willing to wait however many years until some miracle treatment makes quitting as easy as a goodly part of my would like it to be. Quitting is always possible if you want it sincerely enough. If you are determined enough. In decades past many people came off cold turkey. It was the only way out available to them.

I tried "'clucking' it out" ~ I did eight days clean, nearly lost my mind (I was acting very out of character ~ and in my parents' house). I'd never willingly do that again ...

But methadone is there for me. I'm already on a script. I'm lucky.

What's that saying? Nothing that's truly worth achieving has ever been easy~? Something like that. I would title the German translation of my still (possibly) forthcoming addict memoirs Mein Kampf ~ which means My Fight ~ for surely giving up hard drugs can only be a fight and a big fight at that ~ even with methadone... if only that title hadn't long ago been appropriated by a certain Herr Hitler ..(!)

So: tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I pick up more methadone from my friendly pharmacist. Tomorrow I try again.

Illustrated: the evil killer B ("B" means brown heroin); syringe selection (I dread to think what kind of druggie would use the 60ml one to the far left ~ I could fit £20 of drugs into 1ml ...); Oxford Uni logo; "Bridge of Sighs", Hertford College, Oxford; a fight ~ not of the kind I'm destined for ...


Syd said...

Gleds, I think that you said it best here. If you want something bad enough you'll do it. The Big Book of AA says the same thing--basically, if a person is willing to go to any lengths for sobriety then there is a good chance for sobriety.

molson said...

When the desire to be clean consumes you more than the heroin itself, you will be clean. That kind of desire doesn't come easy. We all have wants... desires. I've had things I wanted, but the desire never consumed me. The wants faded. Now I feel as if I am a leaf floating on a stream with no ability to fight the current unless the wind blows hard enough my way. How do you feel Gledwood? What do you really want? Are you like me? Like the leaf on the stream waiting for the wind to blow your way? I'm thinking I better learn to swim or I should just be content to let the stream take me where it will. In my case going with the stream may well be the right choice. In your case, I'm not so certain. I would wish you luck, but that is like waiting for the wind to blow your way. Good luck anyway Gledwood. Win your battle.

Jeannie said...

I'm not sure it matters that anyone else gets exasperated. You are the one who has to suffer through it. If you weren't strong enough to resist heroin in the first place, it's going to take a lot of support for you to ditch the habit now. It's great that you can get methadone to help but obviously, it isn't enough on its own. It's really too bad you and your worker aren't connecting. What about the 12 step groups? Are they available? Do they help others? Have you tried them? It's clear you want to quit but you haven't found what you need yet.I hope you can get the strength up to try again soon. I'm sure your body appreciates even just a few days break here and there. I think it's a good sign that you enjoy eating so your body stays as healthy as possible. You certainly are far from hopeless.

Gledwood said...

Syd: yes that's absolutely true. The NA Big Book ("Basic Text" says that too - that if you want sobriety bad enough you'd cut off your right arm for it ...)

Molson: o God I don't know ..!!

Jeannie: I would go and have gone to NA loads of times. But they have this antimethadone thing. Maybe I won't even tell them I'm still on it. I'll lie and say I'm clean. I hate lying but maybe I'll try it. Then maybe I'll get accepted for once ... (maybe)..



Whitenoise said...

Hey Gled. Every time I click on the link to get here- I wonder if drugs or some drug-related misadventure has claimed your life. When I see the latest entry, I'm relieved that you're still with us but saddened to know that on your current path it's only a matter of time until you slip beneath the waves.

You're a likeable fellow, there's a spark, a joie de vivre that shines through and I really hope that the spark gets a chance to flourish. Get clean, buddy. You have too much to offer to the world to end up squandering it with H.

Baino said...

LIke I've said before baby steps. Try to expand the time between uses until perhaps you'll just not bother one of these days. What's the longest you've gone without?

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

A day at a time, Gleds. Thinking of you. x



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood