HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

What Happened

I HAVEN'T BEEN AROUND FOR A FEW DAYS: I have been indisposed. It all started out at the weekend, when I tripped on a root. No I have not been pestle-&-mortaring "shamanic" Amazonian herbs. I mean I literally fell over on my chin, nearly broke my nose off and got bruises all over me, because of an inexpertly shorn-off 2" stub of root sticking under an evergreen by the library. I could barely move for 15 mins I was seeing so many stars. And I had headache all day and felt sick. People told me to go to Accident and Emergency but why bother? Last time I went and definitely did have concussion I got discharged! Then spent the next week wandering around not knowing what I was doing!

Then three days afterwards, I realized this pain in my side that got worse after I got up and it clicked notably and then I poked it really hard like a disbelieving doctor ~ it really started to hurt then and I realized I might actually have broken a rib!

So now I have to write to the local council telling them they're lucky I'm not an old age pensioner because I might be on a drip now if I was. I mean what kind of idiot person gets rid of humungous fricassing bushes and then thinks ~ o no! I can't be bothered to pull that last bit out. I'll just leave a 2" high stub and another section trailing like a tripwire. That'll make my employers REALLY HAPPY!

Hmmm... Yes and there's more. A couple of days later the phone rang. It was an old acquaintance offering a free sample of some "legal high" thing he said was "like E(cstasy) mixed with coke ~ you'll love it". Well I did try it. 0.2g of a white powder that smelled uncannily of candy. I snorted half up each side of my nose because he said swallowing it produced more uneven effects among different people and snorting was more reliable. But it killed my nose! Then just three minutes later the most incredibly pleasant high started off. It was far nicer than snorting cocaine and way quicker than MDMA (ecstasy) ever came on up my nose. 20 minutes later I was diving deep in my own brains and feeling like Buddha, a feeling that lasted a good 2 hours, followed by about 4 hours of quite some speediness. I took it at 6:30pm and got no sleep till nearly 5am.

Now of course I feel more run down than ever before. And I don't even know what that stuff was. He said it's called "Rush" ~ I suspect he selected that name as virtually Google-proof. And I'm not at all convinced it's legal.

When I was much younger and far more impressionable I shelled out £20 or so on a vast tome called PIHKAL by Alexander Shulgin. The title stands for Phenylethylamines I Have Known And Loved. Phenylethylamines are drugs in the ectstasy-mescaline category and run a spectrum from quite speedy (MDEA) to very entactogenic or empathogenic ~ or even entheogenic ~ as they like to say (MDMA) to trippy (MDA) to very trippy (2CB, mescaline et al). This man had a licence from the United States Government to manufacture for personal use and experiment with these otherwise illegal substances. There are about 150 of them. He tested all and wrote up notes, complete with dosages and remarks. Now I suspect this stuff was a rarer one of these. I know that stuff called PMA (paramethoxyamphetamine) was going around in the 1970s, and it was then, long before MDMA ever became an issue, that the entire family of these drugs were banned in Britain.

Phenylethylamine, the substance after which this entire druggie family's named, naturally occurs in chocolate. It's also known as PEA. Women's magazine articles will cite this and it's supposed high-inducing properties. But Shulgin found it to be orally inactive in any dose...

... (Unless, that is, something else in chocolate kicks the stuff in!!)

And also, I just realized, of course, he's a MAN ~ it's WOMEN who get off on chocolate... so maybe that's our PEA-mystery ....

Now I've little more to say, and apart from all this I've been totally absorbed in my book. I read the entire thing; now I'm ploughing back through with dictionary and notebook, so I can read yet again ~ and every single word with which I was unfamiliar's been translated ...

And how was YOUR week ..??!?

PS If you're interested in any of those mysterious substances mentioned the best place to read about them is EROWID.

PPS: read Dr Shulgin's write up on PEA, the supposed "active" ingredient in chocolate here.

MADONNA TUNE
The UK top 20 was playing last night and MOST of the tunes had this Ibiza-trance sound. I've never heard the British charts sound so ridiculously similar ever ...

And all else I can say is: Madonna, you're a 50-year old woman. Really!

CELEBRATION

8 comments:

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Sending love and sorrow for your unfortunate bodily mishap, Gleddy. Those dumb motherfuckers need to be more careful. You might have sued them. I think I'd consider it myself. Of course I'm from the USA (the nation of frivilous law suits). We are a litigious lot over here.

Love you lots,

SB

kelly Al-Saleh said...

I agree with SB. SUE SUE SUE! There's an ad that keeps playing on the telly with that bloke who used to be in EastEnders talking about injury litigation. Do it! You never know! It could be you!

Sorry I'm quiet SB. My life has turned to shite. I've had to sign-on for Jobseekers allowance, which is a full-time job. The work front is looking really bad and my mortgage is in big big trouble. There isn't a day that I'm not scared of someone (bailiffs) knocking (or rather banging, as they do) on the door.

Applying for jobs tonight but don't hold out much hope. The last 3 months if I didn't have bad luck I'd have no luck at all. Not enjoying being on this shitty planet right now. Big sleep sounds divine.

You take care sweeties, both of you.

xxx Kelly

Jeannie said...

Sorry for your injury - make sure you heal ok - if you are still sore maybe a visit to a clinic wouldn't be out of line. Just to make sure.

Madonna has a way better body than I do but I didn't see any close ups in the first half - I bet she's pretty wrinkled behind the shades in spite of all her money for eye lifts and expensive creams...

Sarcastic Bastard said...

My Dear Friend Kelly,

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. I wish I were rich so I could help you.

I will send some good thought energy your way.

My e-mail is ugadawg1@woh.rr.com if you want to chat. I'll be happy to listen.

Blessings and love, SB

Syd said...

Which is more dangerous--the root or the drugs? Just sayin'.

Akelamalu said...

Any way you can get a photograph of the root? You could be in for some compensation there Gleds.

I can't believe you are daft enough to try a 'drug' when you don't know what it is!

Gledwood said...

Thank y'all. Yes Akelamalu: everyone "sensible" said the same ~ they couldn't understand how I being "intelligent" and all could possibly dabble with something knowing I'd not a clue what on earth it was. I DID know 2 others who'd tried it (in mitigation).
Re suing the council I don't really want to and my injuries aren't dramatic enough. I just want the idiot 2" stubs cut away!

Baino said...

Why would you stick something up your nose when you don't know what it is? Sometimes I just wanna bitch slap you to Tuesday you twit!

As for the council. Suing won't do much they'll prolly assume you were off your face when you tripped anyway. Take it easy with the rib just in case, there's not much you can do but immobilise until it heals really.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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