HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, September 18, 2009

Industrial Roast Beef Dinner

NO NEWS except I've been irritatedly dragging myself to and from counselling sessions, trips into hospital to see sick friends, daily trips to the chemist (thanks to bitch druggieworker who put me back on daily pickup some months ago ~ she does that. Fine. But she ain't gettin' no favours off me. Or insights. Or revelations. I don't trust her.) In other words I've been running thanklessly to and fro when all I want to do is stay in alone with my book with doors locked and the phone switched to silent.

I've been having pub-lunch style roast beef dinners nearly every day courtesy of Iceland, the wondrous frozen food store. They sell Sliced Beef in Gravy 200g for £1; Cauliflower and Broccoli Cheese 680g (3 big portions) for £1.50. It's 30% cauliflower, 30% brocooli; 60% creamy cheese sauce. The creamy cheese sauce is yummy and melts all over the plate. Despite instructions claiming 45 mins is required the whole lot's done in half an hour in a non-preheated oven at 225C.

This I put in with Potato Croquettes, which in case you're not working class British are tubular mashed potato shapes covered in a delightful crispy crumb coating. With these I put in a couple of industrially pre-done Yorkshire Puddings. You fork in some of the industrially cheeserunny broccoli and some industrially thin-cut roast beef (sliced in the manner only large canteens manage to do ~ no-one ever naturally gnashes roast beef like that at home.

All in all it's very lovely with a cyder-passionfruit cocktail "of" an evening... In fact ~ surprise, surprise! ~ I think I might have it again tonight!

Here's a clubbed-up mix of Madonna's Celebration:~


Baino said...

Its been years since I had roast beef . . hmmm . .inspiration for the sunday roast perhaps. Although I'm not a fan of the frozen dinner thingy but I guess they're nutritious and good food for one! Hope your bruises are healing and your drug worker is a smart cookie getting you out and about rather than wallowing at home! It's a good psychological strategy to maintain motivation even if you don't like it! Have a great weekend Gleds. And don't stick stuff up yer nose!

Jeannie said...

Sounds like you can get some decent quick and easy food at a reasonable price there. Glad you eat well - you seem to enjoy it.

Gledwood said...

Baino: no I'm not sticking anything else up my nose ever again, I hope. I heard frozen food is better than tinned, as it preserves the vitamins, just like it preserves stone-age "ice men" ... well that's what I tell myself as I gnaw into my overdone industrial gravy-soaked potato croquettes anyhow ...

Jeannie: yes it's not bad. Considering it's "industrial" ...

Akelamalu said...

At least you're eating well! :)

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Well, glad to hear you're on the comfort food, Gleds. Take care. x

Sarcastic Bastard said...

That looks wonderful, and I'm very hungry at the moment. Yum!





Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood